4. Amina Sinclair #4
“What’s wrong with you man?” his voice was coming out just a little bit aggressive. He was sporting a tired look in his eyes.
“Nothing. I’ll.. I’ll go up front,” I croaked, looking down. The look in his eyes had been so intimidating that I could no longer stand to look up at him, which is why I dropped my head down in the first place.
“You don’t have to go up front. Chill out. Sit down on the bed, and just relax for a second,” he offered, changing the tone in his voice just a little hit.
As if I wouldn’t follow the order that he’d given me on my own, he placed his hands on my shoulders, and he guided me over to the bed. He lowered me, so that I could sit down.
I sat, and he stood over where the sink area was, crossing his arms. I could feel his gaze on me.
His gaze was intense. I wanted to get a male’s perspective on this entire thing.
I had to. Since all of this happened, I only got perspectives from women.
Women that I worked with. Women who were in my bridal party.
My best friend. My mother. Never a perspective from a man.
Naturally, women were going to naturally comfort you, protect you, and often give you the reassurance that you wanted to hear.
It sucked, but often, you had women that were going to pacify you and would take your side just because they felt it was the right thing to do.
Men were different. Men understood men. I wanted to hear from Gemini if it was something that I was missing. Was it another side that I wasn’t seeing? Was it another perspective that would make Jacob’s actions okay?
“Can I ask you something, please?” I wanted to know, placing my hands in my lap, as I looked up at him.
“Go ahead,” he was quick to respond, letting me know that I could ask.
“If you were engaged to someone, right? You really, really loved this person. You and this person spent a lot of time talking about the future. You talked about what marriage would look like. You talked about having children, and the way you planned to raise your children. It meant so much to you for the marriage to work that for a couple of months, you even took marital counseling because that’s just how much a successful marriage meant to you.
Knowing all of this, would you ever just give up on that person just a week before the wedding? ” I asked my question.
The whole time that I was going into detail with the question, he continued with his back propped up on the sink, leg crossed, and his arms were crossed as well. That same intense look was in his eyes, as he followed my every word.
“That just means that I didn’t really, really love that person if that’s the case,” when he said that, it caused my throat to tighten even more.
I bit onto my bottom lip, dropped my head in shame, as reality sat in that Jacob probably didn’t love me half as much as I loved him. Remember, men understood men. This had to be a harsh reality what Gemini just told me.
“You really think so?” with my head dropped in shame, that was my follow up question.
“That’s the only answer that really makes the most sense to me.
If I devoted time into going to pre- marital counseling with a woman, I’m talking about having children with this woman, planning our future, what the fuck does any of that matter if I clocked out on you a week before the wedding?
If I love someone as much as I claim I do, I ain’t got it in me to break a woman’s heart like that.
How can I love you if I walked away from the future mother of my children?
The woman that I’ve pillow talked at night with about our future?
” he asked me, and through my tears, I nodded.
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was starting to make a little bit more sense to me on how Jacob was able to just give up on me so easily.
“I’ll be honest with you, Amina. I haven’t been in many relationships.
I’ve only romantically loved two women before.
When a man loves a woman, I’ll be honest, we’ll make mistakes.
Mistakes are when we forget something. We may forget to send flowers to your job.
A mistake is when we become complacent. A mistake is me saying something to you earlier in the day that was a little aggressive, that might have hurt your feelings, but I didn’t know until you brought it to my attention.
Shit like that are mistakes, Amina. This shit you just told me about this nigga isn’t a mistake though.
It was intentional. You don’t call off a fuckin wedding on accident,” he paused for a second, and then he walked over to me, so that he could be just a little closer.
“He didn’t just wake up and call the wedding off. Nah, he’s been thinking about it. He’s been sitting in that shit. He already had his mind made up. It was just him trying to come up with the perfect time to put it on you,” he finished, and I nodded to that, agreeing.
“When you put it like that, I guess you’re right.
The reason he called the wedding off is because his childhood friend came back into town.
They went to different colleges, and after college, both pretty much went on to live their lives without each other.
When him and I had the talk, he told me that she moved back to London about two months before.
He had been sneaking behind my back, meting up with her.
With the time that they had been spending, I guess feelings came back on both ends.
So yeah, he had time to think about it, sit in it, and make up his mind.
Ultimately, he ended up choosing her,” I went on to say, going to just leave it at that because this was such a hard acceptance. It was a tough conversation to have.
Gemini sat next to me on the bed. He kept a good distance though. For a while, he had been looking down, but he eventually turned his head to look at me. I turned, so that I could look at him as well.
“Real shit, you don’t deserve that. I won’t lie, you get on my nerves man.
The fuckin crying, your slick ass mouth, and your ability to challenge me are all things on why I say that you get on my nerves.
Even so, you don’t deserve that. I have a sister, and hearing you say what he did to you, makes me think about a nigga doing that shit to my sister, especially since I know that becoming a wife has always been a goal for Gianna.
I’ll be ready to pull up and beat a nigga ass for breaking my sisters heart like that,” he told me, and even though I was still feeling sad, I was able to smile at the last part of his statement.
“My grandma used to tell people, ‘be mindful of who you give your tears to’. She used to say that tears were expensive. Knowing that, don’t spend your tears on people who didn’t consider your feelings and went out of their way to hurt you.
Cry for that nigga if he was taken away from you.
Meaning, somebody probably killed his ass.
Cry for him if life had just gotten in the way, and you both decided to call the wedding off, but don’t sit here crying for a man who had to decide whether it should be you, or another woman, and he chose the other woman.
A man like that not worth your tears,” he finished, and when he put it like that, I kind of got it together from there.
Wiping the last of my tears, I felt a little better.
“Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear,” I said, and like it wasn’t a big thing to him, he waved me off.
“It’s cool. You good now? Can I get some sleep? We headed for Georgia in the morning. I have multiple pickups and drop offs out there. We’ll be in Georgia for a few days,” let me know.
“I’m cool. Even if I cry again, I’ll make sure that you don’t hear me,” I let him know, backing up from him a little bit, so that I could go for the head of the bed.
With a shake of his head, he stood up, pulled up his sweats that were hanging off his waist a little bit, and he looked down at me.
“Goodnight, Amina,” he let out.
“Goodnight, Gemini,” I responded, and from there, he cut the light off, hopped up in the bed above me, so he could go to sleep.
Almost five minutes later, I could hear him snoring.
I don’t know if all these emotions that I was battling with right now had gone to my brain, messing with the way that I thought, but hearing Gemini’s snores caused me to smile.
I don’t know. His snores weren’t loud though.
Like, it wasn’t obnoxious, where I would want to place the pillow over my head, trying to drown out his snores.
They were soft. Very soft and steady. I’ll even go as far as saying that it was comforting too.
Peaceful, if I might add. Life was giving him everything that he wanted, which is why he was able to sleep so comfortably.
God, I envied that. I can’t tell you the last time that I found comfort in sleeping.
These days, whenever I fell asleep, it was because my body was literally breaking down, forcing me to close my eyes, and get a break.
I wanted to one day be able to sleep as comfortable as him. I’m sure it’ll come though.
In the meantime, I turned on my side, pulling the blanket over me, hoping to God that tomorrow was a much better day for me. With all the emotions that I went through today, I deserved a better tomorrow.