Chapter 4
Chapter four
The chocolate donuts looked divine, but Ash couldn’t go near them, not with the way nerves flipped their stomach.
It was nice that the university provided their professors with food before the year's start—if Ash wasn’t fighting nausea, they would have taken full advantage.
Instead, they sat in a corner with a cup of peppermint tea, hoping it would settle their stomach.
Normally a coffee drinker, Ash worried another cup of coffee would send them over the edge.
“Ash,” the familiar voice of Dr. Mellencamp called as she approached, pulling Ash from their thoughts. “Or, should I say, Dr. Pierce?”
“Hi, Dr. Mellencamp,” Ash said, smiling up at their dissertation advisor. Ash would never tire of being referred to as Doctor.
“Please, we’re colleagues now. Call me Jenn,” she said, sliding into the seat across from Ash. Her bright floral button-down stood out in a sea of white shirts. Her curly black hair was pulled into a bun, exposing her bright blue eyes.
“Jenn.” The name was foreign on Ash’s tongue. After so many years of referring to her formally, the change would take some time to get used to.
“How are you feeling for your first class?” Jenn asked, sipping her coffee.
Ash took a deep breath. “Nervous.”
“It’s syllabus week. You’ll go in, introduce yourself, go through the syllabus, and send them home. You can do this. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Ash leaned back in their chair. Realistically, they knew Jenn was right, but that didn’t help settle the apprehension. “I could forget my own name.”
“They’ll laugh and you’ll recover. Not that it will happen, but no one would care if it did. You earned your place here. You’ve taught undergrads before—you were one of the most beloved introductory chem teachers. You might even have some repeated students.”
“The stakes are higher now,” Ash said. “This is my career, not a requirement for my PhD. If I teach gen-chem poorly, who cares? Half those kids weren’t going to be chemists anyway. At this point, you’re only taking physical chemistry if you’re majoring in chem. These kids actually like chemistry.”
Jenn laughed. “Ash, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. No one likes p-chem.” When Ash gave her a wide-eyed look, Jenn laughed. “Okay, no one except you likes it.”
Even though Ash laughed at Jenn’s words, they knew it was true.
When they took the class, even the professor didn’t seem particularly invested in the subject.
Ash had trouble finding a study group because no one seemed interested.
Their end-of-semester presentation was incredibly in-depth and way more serious than anyone else’s.
How others felt about p-chem was how Ash viewed organic chemistry.
“What if there is a me? What if there is one interested kid, and I can’t make it interesting for them?” Ash wrung their hands together underneath the table.
“Ash,” Jenn leveled her gaze on them, “you are a wonderful professor. The fact you’re worrying about that means you’ll be great. Half the people in this room couldn’t care less if someone hated their class. They don’t care about being a good teacher. Hell, when I first started, I didn’t.”
“Really?” Ash cocked their head to the side. “You were one of my favorite professors.”
“Years of practice,” Jenn said. “I wasn’t a good professor at first. I didn’t care about teaching.
I just wanted to do my research. But, after a few semesters, I tried to change my perspective.
And eventually, I wanted my students to walk away learning something rather than worrying if I graded on a specific curve.
Did I get in trouble for not failing students?
More than once. But they couldn’t find another professor as good as me.
Ash, you’re already there. You are years ahead of me; you are a natural teacher. ”
Tears pricked the corner of Ash’s eyes. Jenn always knew just what to say to settle Ash’s nerves.
She was the only reason Ash didn’t have a mental breakdown before their dissertation defense.
She had sat with them for an hour beforehand to calm them down.
And it worked—they walked into that room more confident than ever.
Jenn was right. Ash loved teaching, loved molding the minds of future chemists.
Even when they taught general chemistry, where very few declared chemistry as their major, Ash loved it.
They loved teaching the basics to new students.
They enjoyed watching them raise their hands to answer questions because there was no fear of getting it wrong.
Ash never let their students feel less than if they didn’t know something.
They would go over it again with the whole class because, as they would tell their students: there would always be someone else who is just as confused as you.
“You’re right, Jenn,” Ash said. They glanced at their watch and slowly stood from their chair. “I should get going. I have a few things to set up before class.”
Jenn nodded. “Good luck today, Ash. You’ll be great.”
Ash bid Jenn farewell and dumped the rest of their tea in the trash. As Ash rounded the corner into the hallway, their heart dropped into their stomach.
“Ash?” Luke asked, stopping mid-stride down the hall.
That night three months ago came back in a flash of heat and touches. Every second Luke had held Ash flooded Ash’s mind. It was almost as if they were back in Luke’s home just then. Ash could picture that night with perfect clarity.
Ash hadn’t let themself think about that night after a week of nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing. Ash had been glued to their phone, just waiting for Luke to call…but there was nothing. And day by day, Ash finally let it go. Luke was never going to call. They would never see him again.
But now…
“Luke,” Ash breathed.
“What are you doing here?” Luke looked around.
“I work here,” Ash said. They could barely breathe. Luke had the sleeves of his black button-down rolled up, exposing his muscled forearms. His black dress pants were a stark difference from the blue jeans he wore that night in the bar. “Don’t tell me…”
“So do I,” Luke said as he moved down the hall until he was a mere foot away from Ash.
Ash didn’t know what to say. All words escaped them. Of all the fucking people in the bar Ash could have gone home with, it had to be a colleague? Fucking hell.
“I have to go.” Ash moved to step around Luke, but he blocked them.
Luke grasped Ash’s wrist. “Are you okay? What happened?”
Ash looked over their shoulder, hoping no one was around to overhear their conversation. Thankfully, the hallway was blissfully empty. “I really need to go. My class starts in fifteen minutes.”
“Can I walk you? I’d like to talk.”
Ash shook their head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Luke released Ash’s wrist and ran a hand through his curls. “How about after class? Come to my office. Please.”
“Okay.” Ash nodded their head. “I’ll come to your office.”
Ash could barely string a sentence together; how were they going to teach, let alone talk to Luke afterward?
“Thank you. I’ll see you later.” Luke moved to the side of the hall, letting Ash scoot past.
Ash walked down the hall and out into the warm summer air.
The light breeze hid the humidity, allowing Ash to take a deep breath.
Luke was here. He was a professor. He was Ash’s fucking colleague.
What the fuck? How did this not come up?
They talked about their degrees…how did they not discuss their professions?
In hindsight, it should have been obvious.
What else would Luke be doing in Binghamton with a PhD?
Ash didn’t need this. They did not need complicated.
Could they even continue to see Luke? There was probably some rule about not dating colleagues.
Or was that just something in movies and books to complicate the plot?
Ash couldn’t remember ever hearing of a rule like that. Did they have the employee handbook?
Ash pulled out their phone and scoured their email for the employee handbook.
They scrolled through it, reading faster than they ever had before.
Ash’s stomach turned to stone when they found it.
Employees must avoid romantic or sexual relationships with one another if those relationships create a conflict of interest or disruption of the workplace.
What the hell did that mean? Was there a conflict of interest between them?
Could their relationship cause a disruption?
If it didn’t work out, sure, there could be some awkwardness there, but…
how much would Ash and Luke actually work together being in different departments?
Ash let out a frustrated groan and shoved their phone back in their pocket.
In exactly one hour, Ash had made their first day of work stressful.
The universe hated them—every time things were going well, something would come around to fuck it all up.
Why Ash hadn’t realized that would happen today, they didn’t know.
They could do this. They could get through their class and talk to Luke. Then, Ash could go home, watch reruns of Friends, and fall asleep on their couch. It was going to be fine.
When Ash got to their classroom, they placed their backpack on the chair and pulled out their laptop.
It was a few years old and took several minutes to turn on, but it eventually blinked to life.
Ash connected the laptop to the projection system, pulled up their syllabus, and waited for the students to file in.