Chapter 11
Murphy’s Laws of Romance #12
“Virginity can be cured, but there are side-effects.”
Toni told Arnie Gomez, the Legal Department’s newbie, “Sixth Floor.” When he punched the elevator button, she nodded. “Thanks,” but said nothing else to her colleague as the elevator descended. She tried to calm herself by controlling her breathing. Pendergast had been an OCD prick as usual. Pendergast, Gomez, a scientist from research, and several suits of different denominations spent all morning going over Starling’s presentation. Unfortunately, Pendergast had to perseverate over every detail, probably because he didn’t understand a damn thing about chemistry or cosmetics. He had been the CEO of a huge toy company before the board snagged him for his ‘administrative skills.’ He drained a person’s energy like a vacuum pump.
Several processes Starling presented could be proprietary. They were brilliant, according to the chemist translating it all. Something about ‘chemobricks’ and ‘biobricks.’ It seems Starling has devised methods for combining enzymes in a variety of chemical reactions to speed up or enhance the processes five-fold. The problem is if the company sued Starling, he definitely wouldn’t be returning. So, belatedly, they would make them as proprietary as possible after the fact if he had created them in the company labs. They hoped no one in the U.S. had beat Rayaneta to it. She’d had to get on that as soon as yesterday.
It didn’t require much research for her to find that Starling had created the processes before coming to Rayaneta and had personal patents on them. Pendergast had to rant about how we could have missed that, meaning it was Toni’s fault.
She sighed, deep and long. What was the old adage? I love my job but hate the people I work for. She clenched her teeth. The sentiment was a recent one. It hadn’t been the case until Starling made close proximity to the Rayaneta leadership an ongoing necessity. Well, hopefully, there wouldn’t be any more Starling fallout for a while, at least after she was through with the rash of refurbished patents—and talking to Chris.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened on the sixth floor. She told him she’d see him after lunch to finish the patent searches, and stepped out into the hall right in front of Chris Wingate.
Toni could see her head and shoulders above the wide reception counter visible in between impatient sales reps waiting for her help. As the sixth floor dealt with sales, Chris could often be busy. She gave papers to one person while talking on the phone and typing with the other hand. She saw Toni and smiled but motioned with one finger to give her a minute. Toni sat in the waiting area, leafing through cosmetic and fashion magazines until Chris found her.
“Hi, Toni.” Chris always said ‘hi’ in as animated a manner as any sane person could muster, which registered ‘annoyingly sprightly’ on Toni’s irritation meter.
She would have to be careful with Chris. Too often Toni fell into her intense, legal-eagle interrogation mode if she wasn’t paying attention. Chris was too nice and too literal to survive much of that.
“Hi you. Are you ready?”
“Yep, I’ve got an hour. Any longer and the entire floor starts throwing things and predicting the end of the world as we know it.”
“Well, we can’t have that. For such a critical asset to the well-being of the company, I have reserved a table at Andiron’s .”
“Yipes, that’s pricey. I don’t know if I . . .”
“This is on Rayaneta. I do want to talk business, if only as an excuse to get a great meal.” She linked arms with Chris on the way to the elevator. “You game?” With an enthusiastic nod [did Chris know any other kind?], they headed to the restaurant.
When they’d been seated in a booth and ordered lunch, Chris asked, “So how was your date last night?” Toni raised her eyebrow. “Oh, Rena told me.”
“Of course she did.” Toni looked back on the evening. “How was it? Though we were interrupted too often, Jeff was good company. Sort of a handsome Muppet kind of guy, animated, easy to talk to, and funny.”
“But no sparks?”
Toni hated that question, mostly because of the answer. “Here and there, but nothing memorable.”
Their salads came, but when the waiter left, Chris asked, “So when was the last time there was a mass of memorable sparks?”
“Lord, law school, and those fireworks didn’t blaze for long.” Waving a speared tomato at Chris, Toni asked, “And how about you. Any sparks with Starling last night?”
Chris jerked like she’d been poked with something hot. “Yes! Well, maybe.”
Toni did a double take. She’d expected a hard no, not Waffling Wanda. “Oh, honey, you’re going to have to explain that.”
“I definitely felt loads of sparks, but I don’t think BJ did.”
Toni wagged her hand in the universal sign for “Give already.”
“You know I called him, and he invited me to the Alibi Club.” It wasn’t a question. Toni was sure na?ve BJ wouldn’t see any need to exercise discretion.
Chris smiled. “We had a good time. He said he couldn’t dance, but he wasn’t self-conscious at all.”
“Oh, and what kind of band was playing?”
“Swing, but they did 80’s stuff too.”
Toni smiled at that, closing her eyes. “I’m trying to picture him swing dancing.” She opened her eyes. “Nope, can’t do it.”
Chris laughed. “It was fun, and he learned fast. He said I was a good teacher.”
Toni smiled and nodded, thinking. Was Starling learning to schmooze a date already? He was a fast learner. “So, then what happened?”
“We went back to his place.” Chris laid a hand to her throat. “Holy mackerel, but that is one gorgeous house.”
With a fork full of salad halfway to her mouth, Toni froze and stared at Chris. “You what?”
Flustered, Chris fluttered her hands, “I-I had my car, and he needed a ride. And I wanted to see his house after you showed us the pictures yesterday.”
“Is that why you called him?”
Chris shrugged with a guilty smile.
“What did Sam say when you showed up?”
“Oh, he wasn’t there. He’d gone off to see his family in Texas when BJ went to China.” Chris blushed around her guilty smile.
Toni blinked at this. “You didn’t.”
Chris glanced at the floor bashfully beaming. “Uh, yes, we did.” Quickly, she added, “I didn’t plan to, but he had a heated pool and he invited me for a swim, and he was so nice and attentive, and I was feeling really free with him so, so, I suggested we go skinny-dipping.” She gave a shy giggle. “He didn’t know what that was.”
Toni closed her eyes. “I’ll bet he didn’t know a lot from that point on.”
“What do you mean?”
“You slept with him.”
Chris was obviously surprised by Toni’s direct question. She turned bright red. “I don’t do that kind of thing, not on a first date, ever , but he was so, so . . .” Chris sighed. “He was wonderful.”
Toni blinked and looked at her again. Seriously? “You realize that you were probably his first.”
At Chris’s incredulous stare, Toni nodded knowingly. “Yep, I’m betting he was a virgin until last night.” Saying it made Toni’s breath catch, taken aback by how much it bothered her. Chris was probably a great, uncritical ‘first’ for any guy, all things considered, so why did she feel this sick twist in her gut? Chris looked happy about the experience, so what was the problem, Crenshaw?
Chris shook her head energetically. “I can’t believe that.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . .” Glancing at Toni, her face scrunched up as though was she was tasting something wonderfully sweet, but tart too, Chris said, “He was so open, so attentive, so completely focused on me , asking what I wanted, and so very tender.” Her bottom lip trembled a bit, but she grinned. “It was the best sex I’ve ever had.” She wiped her eyes with the napkin. “I thought I was in love.”
Lord almighty! Toni stopped and studied Chris, the lawyer in her going to work. “You thought? You said you didn’t think Starling felt any sparks.”
“Well, he didn’t act like a man in love, you know? I don’t know how to explain it other than I’m sure. Oh, I know he had a good time. He was always considerate and said wonderful things, and I’m sure he sincerely cares about me, but I just didn’t feel he connected the way I thought we had.” Chris frowned hard, chewing on a bread stick. “He did talk about how he’d ‘never done this before,’ but I thought he was talking about skinny-dipping.”
“So, why did you say you ‘ thought you were in love?’”
“I realized this morning that it was a wonderful experience, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if he asked but we didn’t have that kind of connection. Lots of sparks, but not the deep kind, you know?” Chris shrugged after glancing at her and what Toni was sure was her stunned expression. “I can’t explain it. And that’s okay. He’s an absolutely amazing man.”
Toni eyed Chris, looking for the loose screw. Chris was not the ‘friends with benefits,’ recreational sex type.
Did that son-of-a . . .? “Chris, did you smell anything unusual or really pleasant at the house? Or maybe you smelled it on BJ?” If he’d used his love potion on Chris, Toni was going to personally castrate him.
“No, I don’t think so.” Chris crinkled her nose in thought. “No, nothing.” She smiled. “He had a lavender soap smell, but that could have been from our shower after swimming.” Chris gazed off dreamily. “He tasted like—”
Toni’s hand shot up to stop her. “TMI, babe.” Chris started, confused. “Too Much Information,” she clarified as she fumed silently to herself. If he hadn’t concocted his love scent, then his relationship with Chris was none of Toni’s damn business. But would little ‘stars in her eyes’ Chrissie even notice if she had smelled anything different?
Toni snorted indelicately, but Chris thought the reaction was a criticism of her, so Toni apologized, saying it wasn’t about her or what she’d revealed, but Starling.
Chris shook her head, insisting it was all on her. “BJ was a perfect gentleman.” Squaring her shoulders, Chris declared she had no regrets but then begged Toni not to mention anything about her evening with BJ to the other girls.
“Whatever you say,” Toni said with a wave of her hand.
After a moment, Chris asked sheepishly, “Do you think I should see BJ again?”
Before Toni could answer the main course arrived. Thank God, saved by the shrimp fettuccini. Toni had no friggin’ idea how to rule on that question.
Chris happily dived in, but Toni suddenly wasn’t hungry and only played with her noodles. Was Chris really his first, or had she misjudged Starling in that too? She stabbed an unsuspecting shrimp with her fork. With all his extra time at M.I.T., did Baynard Starling audit Tantric Sex 101 or did he wait until Stanford to hire a sex coach? Starling was driving her crazy.
~ ~ ~
It had been two days since lunch with Chris and Toni was still periodically staring at her desk phone in between her legal labors. She hadn’t asked Chris if she’d arranged to see Starling again. It was more Rena’s style to pry. Toni felt she’d recently done enough snooping outside her legal responsibilities to last a decade. Should she call Starling? She knew he needed all the help he could get, but would he appreciate it? And in the end, it certainly wasn’t Toni’s place to offer unsolicited advice.
Though she hated to admit it, she knew it was pure, unadulterated curiosity. She had to know. Lawyers needed witness statements and craved definitive verdicts. And she was concerned. Not only was Starling her ticket to lead counsel, but she didn’t want to see him hurt any more than Chris. Swearing at herself, she picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hi”
“Dr. Starling, this is Toni Crenshaw.”
“Yes, I have caller I.D.” There was a pause and then he said, “It’s BJ, remember?”
Toni rolled her eyes and sighed. “BJ, I’m calling about . . .” Crap! What could she say? Heard you were banging Chris. How was it for you?
“My Singapore session? I spoke to Mr. Pendergast two days ago. He seemed to be comfortable with what I’d done though it was a long phone call.”
Starling, or BJ or whatever he was now, sounded tired and Toni said so. “Did Pendergast wear you out?”
There was a chuckle. “Yes, but I’ve also had some late nights recently.”
“Chris Wingate?”
A pause went on for a time, but BJ said, “She is one reason, yes.”
“Was she your first?” Gad, she was acting like a meddling high schooler. She grimaced. She did have chewing gum and a hairbrush in her desk.
“What do you mean?”
Toni snorted at his mystified tone. “Was she your first date, BJ, the first girl you ever kissed, the first one you’ve had sex with? You know, your first.”
Without missing a beat, he replied, “Yes, to all three questions.”
She stared at the phone. How could he sound so calm about a triple whammy like that? Impulsively, she asked the Stupidly Invasive Question of the Year, regretting it before she finished the sentence. “How do you feel about it?”
Again, no bashful stuttering or vague, manly ‘fine’ as she expected. Instead he said, as clear as could be, “Wonderful. The real experience is far and away superior to reading about it in those romance novels or sex manuals.” She could hear the grin in his voice. “Now, I can appreciate what all the fuss is about,” he said, laughing, “and why men and women want scents to attract each other.”
There was silence for a moment, which Toni didn’t fill because she was still trying to wrap her head around his response. Finally, BJ said, “We were talking out by the pool about all sorts of things, and suddenly Chris gets this playful smile on her face and begins taking off her clothes to go ‘skinny dipping’—right there in front of me. The rest of the evening was a dream, the best kind. It didn’t seem to matter that I didn’t know what to do. Knowing the biology, theories, and those sex guidebooks didn’t help that much.”
“Yes, I can imagine.”
“Chris is a beautiful and understanding woman. I feel very lucky.”
Oh yeah. Love at first lay. She could hear the tender lust in his voice. Not good. Chris had got it wrong, assuming his blank, puppy look was a lack of interest. Before she could say anything, BJ continued.
“Chris said she talked to you and that you were worried about me.”
“Well, I was—I am concerned about both of you. Chris is the trusting sort.”
“Meaning you worried that I might hurt her like Sam was worried about Bonnie?”
“Err, well, yes. I saw that as a possibility. I didn’t want you hurt either. You and Chris aren’t the most experienced when it comes to romance and sex.”
There was a laugh at the other end of the line. “The least experienced you mean?”
With a teasing lilt, she countered, “I don’t know about ‘skinny dipping’ Chris, but you, BJ? Yeah, with bells on.”
BJ laughed again, a deep, real sound.
Am I having this conversation? Toni couldn’t hear one iota of embarrassment from Starling. She couldn’t believe they both were calmly discussing his sexual initiation and joking about it.
“BJ, did you use your sex scent on Chris?”
After a long silence, he said with evident irritation, “This is becoming a theme with you. Of course not. It hasn’t been perfected yet.”
Toni relaxed. “Just checking. So, what are you going to do now?”
“About what?”
“About Chris.”
There was a sigh over the phone. “Toni, this is why I need your help. I didn’t realize I had to do anything about Chris. What does she need from me?”
“Well, she needs your . . . any woman would want . . .” Toni glowered at the phone, uncomfortable with the answers that leaped to mind, uncomfortable because those emotional support-type answers didn’t apply to her or her relationships with men. Another uncomfortable insight. She squashed the irritated, defensive responses she nearly blurted out. “Uh . . .” She ran a hand roughly through her hair, while searching for a reasonable response. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
There was a pause. “That is a very good idea, Toni. Thank you.” Another pause. “Who was your first?”
She stared at the phone, stunned. He hadn’t been embarrassed when she’d asked such a personal question, so why was she? He’d asked in such a forthright and interested tone, with the same inflections he had used in discussing his first time, it quickly dissipated her discomfort and defensiveness like a gentle breeze.
“Nicky Calzone, the summer I turned seventeen.”
“How did you feel about it?” The teasing in his voice made her smile.
“Wonderful at first. My family was vacationing with three other families around Lake George. Nicky was among the group and a close friend of my brothers. We hit it off and one thing led to another. It was great, and felt so special—until my brothers found out.”
“Oh.” BJ seemed to know what that meant.
“My brothers had warned him, hands off. How they found out I still don’t know, but they went postal on Nicky and tuned him up real good. He never spoke to me again. His family had nothing to do with mine after that even though we were neighbors.” She suddenly realized she’d never told anyone other than cursing out her brothers to their faces. It still hurt, the resentment deep and acidic.
“Why would they do that to you?” The outrage in BJ’s voice was strangely comforting.
“My brothers were—are very protective. They scared away any and all potential boyfriends up until that summer. No one was good enough. No one was trusted. I thought Nicky and I could keep it a secret. It felt like . . .” Toni took a deep breath.
“You had something of your own.”
Toni felt tears well up, his observation was so on point. crap . “Yes. Word got around school, around the neighborhood. After that summer, guys didn’t dare talk to me, let alone ask me out. I didn’t go to my senior prom or any dances that year.” She swallowed hard, making fists, remembering.
“Did your parents know?”
“There was only my father. I don’t know. I never asked him partly because I was afraid he knew all about it—and approved.”
“I’m very sorry, Toni. I don’t understand your family at all.” There was a silence. “I can imagine it would be very hard to forgive them.”
Who says I have? “It was a long time ago. I worked after school, got a basketball scholarship, and made up for lost time dating at Stanford, a continent away from my family.” She gave a brittle laugh, thinking that she was still trying to make up for lost time. “But hey, you asked.”
“Yes, I did. I realize it wasn’t easy to share. Thank you. I’m learning how complicated sex and romance, and families can be.” There was a pause and then he said in a quiet voice, “I wish it was something we could joke about.”
“Yeah, me too.” An awkward silence followed, which she didn’t know how to fill. She wanted to say ‘thank you’ too, but the words wouldn’t come.
“Was there anything else you wanted to know?”
Toni closed her eyes and tried to ignore the burning sensation at the back of her throat. “No. Yes. You never seem to be embarrassed about, well, anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, shy, self-conscious, ashamed about things you don’t know, do well, or haven’t experienced.”
After a long pause over the phone, he said, “Why should I be ashamed of what I don’t know? Everyone is ignorant of so much, unaware. Just because some experiences are common knowledge is no reason for me to be ashamed of being unfamiliar with them.”
She said, “But . . .” then left the sentence unfinished. Could he be that self-confident?
As though sensing the reason for her hesitation, he said, “My nanny Rosa told me many times that I am who I am and what I know, and to always keep learning and growing. Everyone in the world is doing the same, so there is no reason to feel less than anyone just because they know something I don’t, or for me to feel superior because I know facts they don’t. I found that to be true.” She could almost see his serious, open expression. “I am what I am.” He chuckled. “As a child, I remember the cartoon character Popeye saying that.”
Toni struggled with his explanation, staggered that he’d emotionally internalized such a rational view of himself, of others.
“Is there anything else?”
His question popped her out of her emotional stupor. “Ah, no.”
BJ said, “Then I’ll be in touch,” and that was that. She set the phone down and stared at it, wondering why she felt emotionally cut off at the knees because the conversation ended. Christ, why did she confide in him of all people? Just then, Crystal came in to remind her of her four o’clock appointment, and Toni snarled at her, surprising them both.
At the end of the day, she found herself staring at the phone. She’d hoped to gain a few answers, an emotional equilibrium where Starling was concerned. Instead of any resolution, she’d ended up feeling more unbalanced, now alight with more burning questions, with unresolved feelings about Starling—all of them complicated and now far too intimate.
Toni drummed her fingers on her desk. Regardless, any more about his relationship with Chris was none of her god-damned business. She was reminded again about the lawyer’s creed with cross-examinations: “Never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to.” Unfortunately, with Starling, it meant asking him nothing at all.
She felt overwhelmed by his total lack of self-consciousness when dealing with such world-altering experiences as an international presentation, his sabbatical, buying a house . . . ‘growing up’ for Christ’s sakes, let alone his first sexual experience. The more he experienced, the more he seemed superhuman.
She needed to get away from the man, no longer an innocent man-child. S hit! She roughly combed her fingers through her hair, pulling hard. Starling was detrimental to her mental health. She needed to avoid him for as long as possible. She promptly decided she’d take her long-overdue two-week vacation now. The Caribbean was calling, ‘ Forget, Forget.’ She didn’t care that June was an expensive month to fly. She needed to do something crazy, far outside the ordinary. Something she’d never done before. An honest-to-God fling. Maybe Jeff or Steve would like to forget with her.
~ ~ ~
Three weeks later, The Crew was all huddled around Toni in the bar at the Six Seven restaurant near Pier 69. Happy Hour was at its height, and everyone had had at least two Cherry Hookers or Mojitos. They were celebrating Toni’s return to civilization.
“Yep, it was an incredible trip,” Toni said, finishing her travelogue. “I didn’t know Jeff had a captain’s license when I invited him to come. The British Virgin Islands were beautiful as you can see,” she said, flipping through the pictures on her tablet. “The yacht was a floating palace. And it was loads of fun to sail.”
“Well, it appears you saw every single island,” Rena quipped. “Your tan is spectacular. Any tan lines?” Rena gave Toni a big-eyed, innocent look.
“Hardly any at all.” The women giggled and wanted to see more pictures before going to dinner.
Toni had been watching Chris and Rena for any drama but saw nothing in their demeanor out of the ordinary.
Rena had casually mentioned to Toni as they left for Six Seven that she’d called Starling while Toni was on vacation but when asked about details, she hesitated, a furtive look on her face as everyone else arrived. It was so unlike “Tell All” Rena, it was troubling. Otherwise, Toni enjoyed the evening with the girls. Everyone was shrugging on coats and making one last run to the restroom when Chris came over and pulled Toni aside.
She had been dreading this ever since she’d returned; afraid of what had happened between Chris and Starling while she’d been gone, or how Rena had gummed up their romance by dating Starling. One reason Toni had left on vacation was to avoid hearing about any melodrama.
She’d been sure she’d screw up things even worse if she’d stayed in Seattle. She was also afraid he’d ask another stupid-ass question and end up thrilled with a new ‘line of inquiry’ she would inadvertently provide by answering.
Toni gritted her teeth. No, those were just excuses.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Chris said, glancing at the other girls. “Just a minute.”
“Look, Chris, I’m really sorry if I stepped over the line with BJ. I was concerned about—”
“No, no. I wanted to thank you for talking to him.”
“Say what?”
“Yes.” Chris laughed. “He is such a sweet, direct sort of person. He told me what you said to him, and we had the most amazing conversation about what I wanted, what he needed to do for me, and for himself.”
Oh, God . Did they talk themselves into marriage? “Chris, BJ can be so serious and literal sometimes, he—”
“He can, but it wasn’t like that. We both care about each other, but we decided we don’t want more. We just don’t feel that way about each other.” Chris smiled. “It was soooo liberating to have an open, intelligent conversation with a caring man without all the expectations, ego, guilt, and emotions boiling under the surface.”
“Oh.” Toni looked at Chris’s shining face and zoned out for a moment, unable to process what she’d heard. “Well, good, I’m happy it worked out for you two.”
“Me too,” Chris gushed, hands on Toni’s arms, shaking her. “You’re the best.” She herded a dazed Toni out of the restaurant with the rest of the women.
Much later that night, Toni lay in bed staring at the ceiling, still bewildered. What had Starling said to Chris? It made no sense. A direct, rational conversation with Jeff hadn’t worked. She’d explained before the two-week vacation that it didn’t mean they were an item or exclusive. She insisted it was a vacation from all that. She chose Jeff because she knew she could handle him. He wasn’t in particularly good shape, so all the sailing, swimming, and hiking left him often too tired for sex save a couple of nights she’d acquiesced to it. They were so-so. He’d laughed off her words before the trip and repeated a teasing “we’ll see” during the vacation, then dismissed her reminders at the end.
His subsequent tantrum at SeaTac had tainted an otherwise enjoyable holiday. Every time she looked at the pictures, an acidic burn erupted in her middle. She’d been stupid and regretted her ‘mini affair’ with Jeff, wishing she’d never gone. In hindsight, the decision felt like desperation.
Then there was Steve. From the beginning, they’d both agreed they’d date other people but when Toni told him about the planned vacation with Jeff in the most upfront and sensitive manner she knew how, he’d childishly sulked and angrily declared he never wanted to see her again. At the gym, he’d called her a tease in the crudest terms.
She buried her face in her pillow, unable to draw up enough energy to hit it. She thought she understood stuff, knew men, and was far more in touch with reality than the Chris Wingates and BJ Starlings of the world, but now she wasn’t certain of anything. Men!
Her brothers and father exhibited a rough and ready combination of Irish and Italian machismo, always in control of their feelings, and their relationships with women. She continued to love them as family, but between their rough talk and overprotective manipulations, she’d had to fight for what she wanted. She’d come to hate their domineering ways and distrust their motives.
She finally hit the pillow. Her family had certainly taught her how to keep men at arm’s length. Since returning from her Caribbean trip, she’d been asked out by three different, interesting guys and she’d said “no.” Each time they sounded surprised. Now she worried that she’d developed a reputation for being easy. Or had Steve and Jeff dished some dirt as payback? Was that why the other three had called?
She might be liberal with her dating, but she remained far, far more particular about whom she slept with. But it appeared her few sexual relationships and one brainless, spontaneous fling were still too many.
Was she becoming gun-shy? Geez-us. She turned over and planted her face in the pillow again. Her growing self-doubt scared her, a weakness she could ill afford in either her job or with men in general.
She had to act, do something to get her mojo back. She’d learned that dealing with her brothers. The three pestered her unmercifully. After all these years away and the distance she’d put between herself and them, they still battered her self-confidence. She had to get up and keep hitting back. She’d go to the gym in the morning, Steve, or no Steve.
The call came weeks later, in mid-September. Starling had created his romance aroma and was ready for her help.