Chapter 9
NINE
Kinsley
I will not think about Shane.
I will not think about Shane.
I will not …
Dammit! I can’t stop thinking about him.
It’s been three days since he showed up at my shop and I tattooed him. Since I learned he had a daughter. Since I admitted out loud for the first time to someone other than my therapist and my family that I had a daughter and I was the reason she was gone.
“Her name was Brenna … and I killed her before she even had a chance to live.”
I’m not gonna lie. When I told Shane I killed her, a part of me was hoping my word choice would push him away.
Boy, my therapist is going to have a field day with that one when we meet next week.
It’s just that he was there, talking about his daughter, and I felt myself getting too close. So rather than stand by and risk getting burned, I put out the fire myself.
Only I didn’t because even after what I said, he didn’t look at me in horror, like someone would look at a murderer. Instead, his features were filled with sympathy and concern. And instead of running, he scheduled another damn appointment.
I tried to push him from my brain, telling myself he was just another client, but the way it felt when we shook hands after he proposed we start over and be friends told me that despite his possible good intentions, there was no being friends with that man.
My phone pings with a text from Natalia, asking if I’ll see her tomorrow at her parents’ house for the barbecue to introduce Melina’s boyfriend, James, to the family.
Me
Of course!
Natalia
Good. We can talk about how you tattooed that firefighter hottie Shane and didn’t tell me.
Me
My dad?
Natalia
You know our dads gossip like teenage girls when they play poker.
Ah, yes. Last night was their weekly poker date. All the guys get together in my uncle Jase’s man cave and play poker for hours. They’ve been doing it for years.
Me
It wasn’t a big deal. He came in, I tattooed him, he left.
Natalia
Nope! Not having this conversation in text. It’s too easy for you to lie. We’ll have it tomorrow so I can see if you’re telling the truth.
Damn her and damn my face that shows every freaking emotion!
I throw my phone onto the nightstand in annoyance, and when it lands, it knocks the book that’s been mocking me since Julia loaned it to me and I found out it’s about a firefighter.
I glare at it for several seconds and then lean over and swipe it off the table. It’s Friday night, my parents are on a date, and I’ve pushed everyone far enough away that they’ve stopped inviting me out.
I open the book and, despite my hesitancy, get lost in the story. I don’t even realize I’ve been reading for hours, until I glance out my window and see it’s dark outside.
I’m about halfway through the book when the story begins to heat up. The heroine is a virgin who has practically zero experience, and the hero has no problem being her teacher …
“Have you ever given yourself an orgasm?”
Her cheeks tinge pink, giving me my answer.
“Oh, baby. Be prepared to have your mind blown.”
As I read the scene, I can’t help but imagine the characters are Shane and me, and while I’m not a virgin, because it’s been years since I’ve been with a man, he’s patiently walking me through it, taking his time and reminding me how good it feels to be intimate with someone.
I drop down between her legs and lick up her center, inhaling her sweet musk. While I slowly lick her clit, I reach up and tweak her nipple.
With one hand holding the book, my other hand skates underneath my pajama shorts and underwear and lands between my legs. I slide my fingers between my lips and find my clit. I’m turned on from the buildup of the scene, so it’s easy to swipe through my wetness and use it as friction as I massage my swollen nub, quickly bringing myself to a climax.
“Chase,” she breathes. “I’m … I think I’m going to ? —”
With a little bit of pressure, my orgasm hits me, and before I can think about what I’m doing, Shane’s name spills from my lips as I come long and hard to the visual of him eating me out.
For several seconds, the release of dopamine and oxytocin helps me forget the world around me. In this moment, it’s only me and Shane and …
Holy shit! I pull my hand out, drop my book, and sit up. I just came to the thought of another man … a man who isn’t my husband.
With that realization, guilt rises, threatening to choke me. I climb out of bed, bringing my hands to my throat as I fight to breathe.
I can’t believe I just did that. I’m married, and I got off to the thought of another man’s touch, of his tongue. I cried out his name when I came.
“I’m a cheater,” I choke out as tears prick my lids and spill over. “I’m a fucking cheater.”
“No, Kinsley, you’re a widow,” I imagine Julia saying to me. “Your husband is no longer alive. You can’t cheat on the dead.”
I know she’s right, but it still feels wrong … dirty.
I strip off my clothes and get into the shower without waiting for the water to warm, allowing the freezing cold drops to pelt my skin like a punishment.
Once it heats up, I wash my body, trying to rid myself of any thoughts of Shane, but it’s no use because the more I try to forget about him, the more I think about him.
“There’s only one way to get him out of my mind,” I say out loud. “And that’s to never see him again.”
Once I towel off my body and get dressed, I grab my phone and pull up the online schedule. I find Shane’s name and hover above it for several seconds before I click on it and then cancel his appointment.
Unprofessional? Definitely.
But it’s the only way.
* * *
“You look so good,” my aunt Celeste says for the third time, smiling at me.
I’ve only been at the barbecue for less than a half hour, and I’m already regretting showing up.
I love my family, but because of how close everyone is, that means they care even more. And everyone has spent the past three years worrying about me.
“Thank you,” I say for the third time. “Are you excited about Milan?”
She shrugs and smiles. “Jase and I have spoken, and this is going to be our last Fashion Week. My girls have the company under control, so I’ve decided to officially retire. I miss my grandbabies when I’m gone, and now, with Melina …”
“Melina?” I ask, confused when Celeste clamps her mouth shut.
“Sorry,” she whispers. “I’m not supposed to say anything.”
Just as she finishes her sentence, James, Melina’s boyfriend, clanks a knife against his glass to gather everyone’s attention.
Once everyone is quiet, he begins to speak, thanking everyone for welcoming him into the fold. Then, he goes on to talk about how he and Melina met and how she’s quickly come to mean the world to him.
And then, once Melina is standing in front of him, he pulls out a ring box and gets down on one knee. “Some might say what’s happening between us is moving too fast, but I’ve always believed that when you know, you know. And I know that I want to spend my life with you …”
As he continues to speak to her, my thoughts go back to the day Brandon proposed. We were in Forbidden Ink, having lunch. I laughed at something he’d said, and when he pulled his phone out of his pocket, the ring fell out. He had been carrying it around with him for weeks, waiting for the right time to propose. I told him I didn’t need a perfect moment, and he got down on his knee and proposed. It was fitting since we had met and fallen in love in Forbidden Ink.
“Kins,” someone says softly, shaking me from my thoughts.
When I glance over at my dad, I realize my vision is blurry because I’ve started to cry.
“I … I need …” I murmur, quickly standing.
“Go,” he says with a sad smile gracing his lips. “It’s okay. Go.”
Without drawing attention to myself, I head out the side fence and don’t stop until I’m safely on the sidewalk and away from everyone else.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I need a minute to myself, so I ignore it and walk down the sidewalk toward the development’s main gate. Since it’s a small town and I don’t drive, I’m used to walking everywhere. Within minutes, I find myself sitting at Brookside Park. It’s the town’s main park, where most of the sports are played. There’s a huge kids’ play area, a trail for jogging, and even a dog park.
I sit on the bench and focus on the kids playing, trying to tamp down my emotions. Only the sight of a little girl squealing in delight has me spiraling further as I imagine being here with Brandon and our daughter.
I stand abruptly, ready to flee, when I run straight into a hard chest. When I step back, my apology on the tip of my tongue, I’m met with familiar bright brown eyes.
“Kinsley?” Shane says, gently holding on to my biceps to help steady me.
“Hey,” I choke out. “Sorry, I was …”
“You’re the tattoo artist from Exposed Ink, right?” a girl says, cutting me off.
I glance at her and recognize her as the friend of the girl I turned away. With her red hair and green eyes, she doesn’t have the same features as Shane, but the second the corner of her lips curves into a smile, I know she has to be Shane’s daughter.
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “Taylor, right?”
“Yeah.” She nods. “I was just talking about you with my dad.”
My eyes land on him at the exact moment his tongue glides across the seam of his lips to wet them, and my thoughts go back to my fantasy in my room.
The second my neck begins to heat, I dart my eyes back to Taylor, praying my entire face didn’t just turn red.
“My friend Casey and I are going to be coming in to get our noses pierced,” she tells me.
“Oh, wow,” I say, “Better than the unicorn tattoo.”
Taylor snorts out a laugh. “And it’s not permanent.” She shrugs. “Unlike the tattoo my dad got.”
“True,” I agree. “But at least his is meaningful.”
“Oh, you’ve seen it?” she asks, raising a brow. “Wait, do you two know each other?”
“I treated her for a food allergy,” Shane says.
“And while you were doing that, you guys discussed my dad’s tattoo?” Taylor quirks a brow, way too observant.
“Actually, I did the tattoo for him,” I tell her.
Her eyes go wide, and then after several seconds, she bursts out laughing. “Oh my God. Now, it all makes sense!”
“What?” her dad asks, confusion laced in his tone.
“I couldn’t figure out what made you get a tattoo after all these years of you saying you didn’t want to mark your body permanently. But now, it all makes perfect sense.”
“Taylor,” Shane warns, but it only makes her grin wider.
“What?” I ask, clearly out of the loop. “What makes perfect sense?”
“It’s like a scene from one of my romance books,” she explains. “Guy saves girl, falls for her, and then gets a tattoo from her as an excuse to see her again.”
It takes me a second to wrap my head around what she just said, but once I do, I can’t help but laugh because she isn’t wrong.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” she says, her gaze flicking between her dad and me. “I should’ve put two and two together when he said the woman doing his tattoo said it needed to be meaningful. You’re his tattoo artist.” She glances at her dad. “You totally got a tattoo to impress her.”
She smacks his arm playfully, and I snort out another laugh.
“Kinsley and I are just friends,” he says with an eye roll.
“Oh no.” Taylor’s features turn serious. “Did she turn you down?”
She turns her attention on me. “Did you turn my dad down? He’s a good guy. Doesn’t sleep around or cheat. He’s an amazing dad. He works hard. I mean, he’s not a billionaire, but he owns his own home and can provide for his family, and since my mom is too busy traveling all over the world, he pretty much has zero other woman dram?—”
Before she can finish, Shane reaches around and covers her mouth. “You’ll have to excuse my daughter,” he says. “She spends most of her free time reading romance and thinks every situation is straight out of a novel. We’re not people. We’re tropes.”
I laugh again. “I get it,” I tell her. “I actually love romance. But I’m not looking to date. These days, I’m sticking to fictional men instead of the real thing.”
I wink at Taylor playfully, and she laughs.
“Same,” she agrees. “Romance books make it hard for real-life men to live up to the expectations book boyfriends set. I work at Books and Beans, so my life pretty much consists of romance books and caffeine.”
“Oh, I love that bookstore! And their coffee is delicious.”
“Right?” she agrees. “And I get a good discount on their books. I prefer to read on my Kindle, but you should see my library at our house. It’s filled with so many trophies.”
“Who’s your favorite author?” I find myself asking.
What is it about these two that makes it so easy to talk to them?
Like father, like daughter, I guess.
Taylor wastes no time in telling me who her favorite authors are, and I find that despite our age difference, we love many of the same ones.
When she mentions having a special edition from one of my favorite authors, I can’t help but blurt out, “I’d love to see it!” without thinking.
In my defense, it’s extremely rare, and I really would love to see it.
I realize my mistake when Taylor responds by saying, “You should come over! We were just walking Becky.” She points at the German shepherd I didn’t notice until now. She’s sitting pretty next to her owner and hasn’t made a sound the entire time. “And then we’re heading home to make dinner. Do you like ribs? Dad is a beast on the grill, and he’s making them tonight.”
“Oh, umm …” I glance at Shane, silently begging for help, but he only smiles softly, knowing I’m trapped and I’ll be forced to spend time with him unless I want to turn down Taylor’s invitation.
With a quick glare at him—which doesn’t seem to faze him in the slightest—I look back at Taylor, who’s nibbling on the corner of her lip hopefully.
The word no is on the tip of my tongue, but at the last second, against my better judgment, I say, “Sure, I would love to have dinner with you and see your library.”
Taylor squeals, Shane smiles, and my heart swells in my chest, once again reminding me that it’s still there and working.
* * *
“Oh good, you’re back.” My mom envelops me in a hug. “I was starting to get worried.”
“I’m okay,” I assure her. “But I’m actually not staying.”
My thoughts go back to Taylor and her dad. After agreeing to go over to their place for dinner, I remembered that the reason I was at the park was because I’d left the barbecue in a hurry. When I told them I would meet them at their place, Shane looked like he didn’t believe a word I was saying, but Taylor, in all her innocence, shot off their address and said they’d see me soon.
I changed my mind a dozen times on the walk back to my aunt and uncle’s house, but then I remembered I didn’t have Taylor’s or Shane’s phone number, so bailing on them would be ghosting them, and I wasn’t about to do that to that sweet girl.
“I ran into a friend,” I say vaguely, “and she invited me over for dinner.”
“Oh, that’s good,” Mom says, too happy that I’m actually willing to hang out with a friend to ask who it is. “Go have fun.” She kisses my cheek. “I love you, Kins.”
“I love you more.”
After we separate, I find Melina so I can congratulate her on her engagement while avoiding Natalia so I don’t have to tell her where I’m going. My mom might give me some space, but there’s no way I’ll get past Natalia without her giving me the third degree. And the last thing I need is for her to know I’m going to Shane’s house.
She’ll make more out of it than it is, refusing to understand that I’m not going there to see Shane—he just so happens to be Taylor’s dad. I’m going there to see Taylor and to check out her library and talk books. And Shane will just so happen to be there.
Now if only I can repeat that in my head enough times so that I’ll believe it.