16. Logan
Chapter Sixteen
LOGAN
I can’t breathe.
As soon as I leave Meredith, I feel like there’re ants crawling under my skin.
She’s pregnant. It’s not yours. She’s not yours. Not yours! Not yours! Not yours!
I try to quiet the voices by going to the gym, working out until I’m dripping sweat and my muscles fail.
I can barely make it to the shower, and that damned voice is still there.
Someone else. Someone else touched your princess. Was inside her.
I feel like I could go out and howl at the moon right now, waves of jealousy washing through me.
I’m practically climbing the walls of my hotel room when I realize I can’t be here right now. I need something to occupy my brain, and badly.
So, I go to Bennigan’s.
I don’t know why I choose to go there, because as soon as I walk in, my eyes land on the pool table I had once bent Meredith over, drunk on beer and her smile.
I rub a hand over my face, ordering a double whiskey, neat.
The bartender’s cute, her breasts hanging out of her low-cut shirt, and she winks at me when she hands me my beer.
I could take her. I could flirt with her a little and end up taking her home.
But it’d go like every encounter I’ve had over the years. We’d make out a little, maybe this time I’d even get her off, but I could never let myself inside them.
I haven’t ever been inside anyone but Meredith Whitlock, and now I don’t know if I ever will.
So, I just grunt and shoot the drink back like a shot, ordering another.
After two times of that, my head spins slightly, but not enough. I wonder what she sounded like, under him. I wonder if she got on her knees for him.
“Fuck,” I whisper.
The bartender’s face softens as she walks over. “You okay?”
“No.” I throw a wad of cash on the bar before I walk away, heading to the door.
I have to get the hell out of here.
I stand in the street and look down at my phone. I’m not okay, and I should call someone. I shouldn’t be alone tonight. But who can I call?
Grayson.
He’s my best friend. He always has been. Maybe I can’t tell him who this is about, but I can get some advice about a mystery girl.
Maybe it’s the alcohol driving my actions, but I don’t care. I just need to talk to someone.
“Hey, pal,” he answers, and I think about hanging up.
“Grayson. Can you come and pick me up?”
“Sure, you have too many martinis at a business dinner?”
“Something like that.”
“Send me your location.”
I send it, and he pulls up to pick me up in a Rolls Royce.
“You would show up in that.”
I wonder if there’s a slur in my voice, because Grayson raises his eyebrows.
“You called for a ride. Figured we could take it in style. Want to come to my place?”
“Just take me to the hotel. As much as I love your family, I don’t think I can handle it right now.”
Grayson glances over at me. “Lucky for you, Lillian is visiting her aunt up north, she took the kids with her.”
“Everything okay?”
He grins. “Everything’s perfect. We’re thinking of having another baby.”
“Great.” I sink into the leather seat.
Grayson frowns. “Something’s going on with you.”
I shrug. “I’ll tell you about it. After another drink.”
Grayson doesn’t push, and I’m grateful.
As he drives up the long road to his place, I stare out the window at the trees whipping by, but it makes me nauseous after a moment, so I look down at my hands.
When we walk into Grayson’s office, he shuts the door behind him even though there’s no one else in the house. He immediately makes me a drink, a double, and hands it to me.
The liquor burns down my throat but fuzzes my head enough to make the rage coursing through me bearable.
“What’s going on with you?”
“There’s a woman.”
He snorts. “There’s always a woman. You’ve got a different one every few months, what’s new?”
I go silent.
Grayson’s thinking about me in high school, but even then, all the girls I flirted with were just a front.
I’ve not exactly been a monk, but I haven’t had actual sex with anyone but Meredith. Ever.
I can’t explain that to him, though.
“She’s got someone else. I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“I mean, I get being territorial?—”
“It’s not that. I love her.” The words come out of my mouth before I know what I’m saying, but I know it’s true.
I’ve always loved her.
He winces. “Shit. I didn’t know you felt that way about anyone. Is it new?”
“Sort of. We had a thing a few years ago, and I’ve never forgotten about her.”
I should feel guilty, telling all this to Grayson when it's about his little sister, but I’m heartbroken, and I don’t know where else to turn.
He nods tightly. “You know I understand that. God, when I first saw Lillian again and for a split second, I thought she’d gotten married to someone else, had a baby…” He shakes his head. “For the second before I realized Max was mine, I wanted to rip someone’s head off.”
“Yeah.” I sip my drink.
I should stop after this one, but something tells me we may be up all night.
“How do you know there’s someone else? Did you see it?”
“God, no.” If I had, I’d probably be in jail right now. “She told me.”
“Do you have a name?”
“No.” My teeth are gritted so tightly my jaw hurts. “She wouldn’t tell me.”
“So, we can’t ruin his life.” Grayson chuckles. “Probably for the best.”
I scoff. “So you say.”
Who is this guy, anyway? What will he do when she tells him she’s pregnant? Probably run off. He won’t be there for her like I would be.
Or God, what if he is? What if he asks her to marry him? She’d told me no. What if she tells him yes?
Feeling suddenly sick, I put the half-empty glass on the counter, plopping down onto the lounge couch that Grayson has in his office and sighing, looking up at the ceiling.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I see them together.”
Grayson hums in the back of his throat. “I can’t blame you or give you good advice. I’d lose my mind if I saw Lillian with someone else.”
“I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice. I guess I just wanted to get it out of my system.”
“It’d be easier if you had someone to punch.”
I bark out a laugh. “I guess we could always spar.”
Grayson looks at his glass of whiskey. “This is my second glass; I’m not sparring anyone while I’m drunk.”
I groan. “I have to do something.”
“Why not tell her how you feel? Something tells me you haven’t told her you love her.”
Not lately .
I glance over at Grayson’s big picture window and have a brief memory of nearly being caught at his father’s picture window while sneaking out of Meredith’s room.
A rush of guilt washes over me.
“You’re a good friend, Grayson.” My words are definitely slurring now, and I seem to be sinking into the couch.
“Get some rest. It’ll make you feel better.” His voice comes from far away as my eyelids slip closed.
I haven’t slept since Meredith dropped the bomb two days ago, so sleep finds me quickly.
The sunlight streaming through the picture window wakes me several hours later, seeming to pierce my closed lids.
I slowly open my eyes, groaning, and Grayson snorts awake, having fallen asleep in the chair across from me.
“Shit, what time is it?”
“Nearly ten,” I say hoarsely, looking at my phone which has about a hundred notifications from Bryce since I’m late for work.
Grayson groans and stands up. “Well, we’re already late. Wanna go get some breakfast at a greasy spoon?”
“Just try and stop me.”
Grayson and I chat on the way there about Max and Kylie, mostly. Kylie’s having a phase where she’s afraid of the dark, and Max is getting a little sassy now that he has a little sister taking away some of the attention.
“It was just him and Lillian for four years,” Grayson explains as our food comes. “I think sometimes, he misses that.”
“It would be good for them to have some time alone sometimes,” I suggest. “Like a mother and son day or something.”
Grayson brightens, smiling. “That’s a really good idea. I’ll suggest that to Lillian.” He pauses. “I wish I could give you better advice.”
I shrug. “It’s okay. It is what it is. She wants someone else. Not me.”
It physically hurts to say that. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and stomach.
Fuck, I hate being in love. I’d forgotten how much it hurt.
Grayson reaches across the table and claps me on the shoulder. “If you tell her how you feel, things might change, pal.”
I smile at him but shrug him off. “I don’t think that’s going to fix anything.”
Grayson huffs. “You don’t know that.”
“I know her, and if I push too hard now, she’ll run away.”
He nods. “Lillian’s like that, too. She internalizes everything. I have to bring her out of her shell sometimes.”
I bite my lip to keep from spilling out my guts, telling him it’s different with Meredith. She’s like the sun, and I revolve around her. She’s the light, and she brings me out of the darkness.
The only reason I didn’t end up in prison back then was because of Meredith. And Grayson. Their parents’ connection to the local police had kept me out of any real trouble.
“I appreciate you talking to me. I just can’t tell her. Not now.”
“Hey, have you seen Meredith?” he asks, apropos of nothing, and I freeze, my shoulders stiffening.
“Not recently. She took a few days off work.”
He frowns. “I’m worried about her. She hasn’t answered my calls in two weeks.”
“We’ve been really busy at work.” It’s not a lie. The construction has finished up, and now we’re trying to get ready to open to the public.
“Let her know I want to talk to her when you see her today.”
“Sure.”
I don’t tell him that I don’t plan to see Meredith today. She’ll probably stay home, given how sick she was. I’d rather her not work at all, but it’s not like I’m the father or anything.
Not yours.
I clear my throat. “I guess I should get to work. Thank you for breakfast.”
“I’ll drive you.” He puts cash down on the table and takes me to work.
We chat a little, but not much. We’ve said everything we need to say already, I guess.
As grateful as I am to Grayson, I can’t take his advice.
It’s over.