19. Meredith
Chapter Nineteen
MEREDITH
What in God’s name had I been thinking, sleeping with Logan again? I guess the damage is already done, since I’m pregnant, but still .
I get the email that we’re supposed to be at work tomorrow, but I’ve taken today off, and so I don’t respond. I need to clear my head, and I go for a drive.
I don’t realize I’m driving to Grayson and Lillian’s place until I arrive there, and when I buzz in at the front gate, it’s Lillian who answers.
“It’s Meredith,” I say in a small voice.
“Come right in,” she says in a flat voice, sounding like she’s out of breath, and I frown as I drive up to the house.
When I walk inside, Max is running around like a crazy person, throwing paper airplanes around the room, and Kylie is screaming bloody murder.
Lillian comes into the living room, looking frazzled, her hair everywhere, and I chuckle low in my throat, scooping Max up into my arms as he runs by.
“Show your Aunt Meredith your toys?”
Max giggles and wriggles in my grasp. He gets down to the floor and runs up the stairs.
I watch him and then lean down to Kylie’s height.
She screams in my face, tears streaming down her chubby cheeks.
“And what’s wrong with you, miss thing?”
She takes in a shuddering breath, as if surprised to be asked. “M-my d-doll is m-missing.”
“What’s her name?”
“Angelica.”
“Well, let’s go find her, okay?”
Lillian gives me a grateful look as Kylie sniffles and gets herself together, taking my hand as we look around the house.
We find Angelica–a Barbie-type doll–wedged between the television and the wall.
Kylie giggles and plops down on the couch to play with her, and I head upstairs to deal with Max.
He shows me all of his toys, including his new block set that he’s built a castle out of, and for about half an hour we play under the castle.
I pretend to be a princess in distress, and he’s the knight who saves me.
Max decides he would like to watch some cartoons in his room for a bit.
When I walk back downstairs, Kylie’s passed out on the couch, one thumb in her mouth and holding on to Angelica tightly with the other arm.
I find Lillian in the kitchen, making coffee.
“Seems like you’ve had a day .”
Lillian laughs. “You have no idea. Kylie has been so emotional lately, and Max is wide-open all the time.”
“Two kids are harder than one, huh?”
“At least until Kylie is old enough to play the same games as Max, yeah,” she answers in a huff, offering me a cup of coffee, which I decline with one hand raised in dismissal.
I’ve read that caffeine is bad for the baby.
She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t ask questions.
I look at her for a long moment as she sips her coffee.
“You didn’t just come over here to save the day, did you?”
I duck my head, my cheeks burning. “I guess not.”
“You look like you’ve got something on your mind.”
“Is it that obvious?”
Lillian just smiles and nods. “You can tell me. I won’t say anything to Grayson. I know that sisters need to keep secrets from brothers now and again.”
“It’s Logan.”
Lillian’s eyes widen slightly but otherwise, she doesn’t react.
“You don’t seem very surprised.”
“You two have chemistry. Like, a lot of chemistry.”
My cheeks burn hotter. “Do we?”
“It’s pretty unmistakable. Luckily, my husband is oblivious. What about Logan, though? Did you two hook up?” She leans forward.
“Something like that,” I mumble, and she leans forward even more, half over the table.
“Do tell. Now that Grayson and I are happy, I don’t have any drama in my life, and it's hard to maintain friendships with two small kids.”
I take a deep breath. “Well, you see, you really can’t say anything to Grayson.”
She makes a zipping motion across her lips. “I promise.”
“We had a thing. Back when we were teenagers.”
“A physical thing?”
“Romantic and physical.” I bite my lip. “He was the love of my life, Lillian. He’s the reason I dropped out of college. I was just too heartbroken to function when he dumped me.”
Her mouth drops open. “He dumped you ? The way he looks at you, I would have thought it was the other way around.”
“How does he look at me?” I can’t help being curious. I want to know that Logan craves me just as much as I crave him.
“Like you’re everything.” She reaches over to take my hand in hers. “I know what it’s like to lose the love of your life. It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
I swallow hard around the rock in my throat. “It has been hard. But now, things are more complicated.”
“What happened?”
“We kind of... hooked up again. It hasn’t been romantic. I haven’t let it be. But... there’s a problem.”
She chuckles. “A problem that isn’t your overprotective brother?”
I groan. “Another problem.” I put my hand on my stomach. “I’m pregnant.”
She squeezes my hand. “And it’s his?”
I nod, feeling tears spring to my eyes for no real reason. I guess it’s the hormones and feeling so vulnerable.
“Have you told him?”
“No.” I wipe at my eyes. “I don’t want him to ever know. He left me before, and now the only reason he’d want to be with me is because of the baby. I don’t want that.”
I want him to want me for me.
“But you do want him.”
“Of course, I do.” I bang my head on the table as Lillian releases my hands. “I feel so stupid, like I’m a dumb teenager all over again.”
“You’re not stupid. You’re just in love. It makes fools of us all.”
“Shit.”
She’s right. I am in love. I have been, all this time, ever since the first moment he kissed me at Bennigan’s. And there’s nothing I can do about it, because he doesn’t want me back. Not like that.
“I hate him for leaving me, but I can’t help but love him.”
“Why did he leave?”
I snort. “I don’t know. Something about us seeing other people. I guess he had someone else on the line while we were together.”
She frowns. “From what Grayson’s told me, he was kind of a womanizer.”
“That was the persona he put on to everyone, or at least that’s what he told me. I was supposedly his first.” I’m not sure I believe that now, but it was always what he told me.
“That makes sense. He doesn’t really seem like the type. He only had eyes for you the last time he was here.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe he’s been playing me all along. Maybe he’s got one or two girls on the back burner.”
“Do you really think so?"
“I don't know.” I’m telling the truth.
I can’t read Logan well, never have been able to. Even when we were kids and he was even more of a hothead, he kept a lot inside, too. He could have some kind of whole other life, for all I know.
We’re different people now, but in a lot of ways, we’re the same.
“Have you asked him?”
I snort. “No. I didn’t want this to get serious, anyway. It was just one time, and I got pregnant.”
“So, it hasn’t happened again?"
I flush. “I didn't say that."
She laughs. “I get it. Grayson and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other, either.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Gross.”
Lillian rolls her eyes. “How else do you think I got two kids?”
“Immaculate conception, I don’t know! I just hate hearing about my brother’s sex life.”
Lillian smiles. “Well, I can’t say I have much advice for you other than to communicate with him.”
“I told him I was pregnant. But he doesn’t know It's his.”
She raises a groomed eyebrow. “How did he take it?”
“Bad.”
She snorted out a laugh. “I guess Grayson and Logan are friends because they’re so much alike. Grayson is possessive, too.”
And protective. Overprotective.
Lillian knows how Grayson is, and I don’t think she’d betray my trust.
“But you’re going to have to tell him eventually,” she chides softly. “Logan and Grayson both.”
I shake my head. “I don’t have to tell Logan. I can work until the baby is born and then move away. Get that new start I’ve always dreamed of.”
“Do you really want to leave here?”
“I have always wanted to.” I know it isn’t really an answer. It’s scary, leaving the place I’ve called home all my life, leaving my family who has always supported me behind.
“I understand. When everything with your mother happened back then, I thought I wanted a new life, too, that I wanted to move as far away as possible. Get as far away from Grayson as I could. I ended up being wrong, but that doesn’t mean that you are. Even if you don’t tell Logan, figure out how you feel about him. What you want from him.”
I want to go back in time. I want him never to have left me.
That’s the only way I could be with him, I think. But it’s pointless to tell Lillian that. There’s no such thing as a time machine.
Unfortunately.
I have a lot of soul searching to do.