Chapter 16
Chapter sixteen
"Oh, God, this is not what I expected." Rosa's hands flew to her head. "We could be trapped here."
"Okay…that's a little dramatic." Billy chuckled. "When did you lose your adventurous spirit?"
Rosa glared at her. "When you left me to raise a baby and pay all the bills by myself, never knowing how I'd make it through each month." Billy looked away. "What did you think happened? That it was all a bed of roses? Dammit, Billy."
"I'm sorry. That was obtuse of me… I was just trying to lighten the moment and didn't understand the impact of how this is…affecting you."
Rosa's fists clenched and she drew a shaky breath.
Acting like a referee, the kettle whistled and Billy turned towards it to finish making their drinks. When she turned back and handed Rosa her hot chocolate, she said, "I'm also sorry things were so difficult for you and Imogen back then."
"Not for Imogen," Rosa said, raising her chin with defiance. "She never went without. I made sure of that. A roof over her head, warm clothes, a full belly, and a parent who was as there for her as much as I could have been considering the hours I had to work at times."
Billy walked slowly towards the couch and sat down. She got somewhat comfortable, turning just enough to be facing Rosa.
"Hearing you speak your truth is…unsettling for me," she confessed. "I guess I always hoped that… No, I believed, that my not being there would have made life better for you."
Rosa scoffed. "Why on earth would you think that?"
Billy looked up at her, eyes glassy. "I suppose my thoughts weren't in a good place. All I could see was how I was making things worse for you."
"I needed your help. To take your part of the strain." Rosa stiffened. "We had a baby, and you walked out."
"In all fairness, you told me to leave, and that just affirmed my own beliefs that I wasn't wanted." She breathed slowly. One deep breath in, then a slow release. "I understand now. I can look back at the events and realise how…I wasn't able to see through the fog of my depression."
Rosa's shoulders sagged. She moved to the couch opposite Billy and sat down to listen.
"It was like outside is now," Billy said, looking towards the window.
Rosa followed her gaze. "You know there is something more out there, but you can't see it.
All you can see is this cloud, and it's building, getting bigger each day, until it engulfs you and suffocates any life you had left to live.
The pressure of it squeezes and squeezes, tightening its grip.
" She turned back to face Rosa. "And then one day all you can think about is how to get away from it and that…
that's a path of very dark thoughts. Ones I tried to talk about but couldn't."
"You could have told me that instead of threatening to… We could have worked it out—I loved you," Rosa said, elbows on knees as she clasped the warmth of the cup between her hands.
Billy shook her head, her smile faint and pained.
"I wanted to, but you had so much on your shoulders already.
Carrying our child, working right up until the birth because we couldn't afford for you to stop working…
because I didn't have a job. I was failing us.
You'd come home exhausted, and of course, I'd been in no state to help around the house, and I saw it…
the look you'd give me when you walked in and found the washing still in the basket, or the plates in the sink. "
"What look did I give you?" Her brow furrowed as she asked. She sipped the hot chocolate, the small kick of the brandy heating its way down as she swallowed.
"Disappointment, mostly,” Billy said flatly.
“Then annoyance, and I guess, frustration, and then eventually…
acceptance. I hated myself even more. And I'd try…
I'd try so hard to get up. To force myself from the bed and do something, and you never noticed.
The days I'd managed to just do something…
you couldn't see. Because you'd accepted that it was all on you.
" She sipped her tea. "When someone is drowning in all of that, the voice in your head starts talking, and I realised over time that it was always whispering, but now it was just louder…
now it's screaming at me to just end it all. " A solitary tear ran down her cheek.
"Billy…" Rosa whispered.
"It's okay. I got the help I needed and I'm all good now.
" Billy smiled and wiped the tear away. "I just…
I don't want you to think it was an easy decision…
that I just upped and left and didn't care.
I left because I cared too much, because my failings were eating away at me, and all I could see was that I was bringing you and Imogen down with me. "
Rosa placed her mug down onto the table between them.
"If I'm honest, I suppose I've never really tried to see it through your eyes.
I didn't have time to dwell much, with a baby who needed my constant attention, feeding, cleaning.
I just had to get on with life, and I suppose it was easier to let resentment fill in the void you left. "
"I don't blame you." Billy sighed. "I had a lot of my own resentment for a long while—holding onto the pain of being told to leave. I kicked that around for a long time, using it as the excuse…the reason to explain why we'd fallen apart."
"I never wanted you to leave… I thought…" Rosa sat back, slumping against the cushion. "I suppose I thought it might be the kick up the backside you needed and would make you see how close you were to losing everything."
"I can see that. But the reality was it solidified the voice in my head."
"Did you…" Rosa looked away, her jaw tightening. "Did you ever try to—"
Billy nodded. "Once. Drank a bottle of vodka and swallowed down whatever pills I could get my hands on." A sad smile crossed her face. "The concoction I'd chosen however just made me vomit and so…here I am."
"It's not funny, Billy." Rosa shot up and stalked to the window. "I don't know what I'd have done if—"