16. Rock
16
ROCK
I slide my key into the lock, anxious to finally be home. This whole evening, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t know if it’s just guilt about not going to dinner with Emily or what. She said it was fine if I didn’t go, but…I dunno. I could tell it bothered her. I’m hoping she’s home now and we can talk about it.
I also keep thinking about the other day when Emily asked me about my past relationship with Paige. At the time, it caught me off guard, her bringing that up out of nowhere. When I told Emily that I’m bad at relationships, it seemed the best answer to give her, because it’s historically been the truth. But in hindsight it seems so stupidly obvious that she wasn’t asking that question out of the blue. Obviously she wants to know how things will be between us if we start dating for real.
So I need to tell her how I really feel, which is that even though I’ve never been great at the relationship thing, I want to do it right with her. I might make mistakes, I might not be the perfect boyfriend, but I want to give her everything she deserves. I know it was shitty of me to not put more effort into past relationships, but people make mistakes. I’m ready now. I want to do this right.
When I step into my apartment, it feels different. At first I don’t know what it is, it’s more of a feeling than anything.
Then I see Emily’s travel bag sitting on the couch, and my stomach flips. Her bag is packed.
She comes out of the bathroom carrying her toothbrush and other stuff. “Oh. Hey. You’re back.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
She tucks the things in her hands into her travel bag and then stands to face me. “My landlord texted me. My apartment’s fixed.”
“Oh.” The news hits me like a sobering slap in the face. I have to remind myself how much she loves that damn apartment. “I see.”
She hesitates a moment, then adds, “And I told my parents the truth about us, Rock. They know it was all fake. So we don’t have to pretend in front of them anymore.”
I’m even more pained by this news. “Oh,” I say numbly.
“I wasn’t planning on telling them. It just kind of came out. It was good, though. We ended up talking about things we should have talked about a long time ago. I feel a lot better about my relationship with them now.”
Fuck. It feels like I have whiplash. Everything has changed, just like that. This morning I was listening to her moan in my ear as she came, and now she’s leaving. Weren’t things good, us living together like this? Or was it all in my head?
“Did I do something wrong, Em?”
She looks at me curiously. “No. Why?”
“It feels like things are over now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean whatever this is that’s been going on between us. It feels like it’s going to end when you walk out that door.”
She twists her lips. “Maybe that’s for the best.”
“I don’t feel that way.”
She takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “What are you saying you want, exactly? A friends-with-benefits thing?”
“No. That’s not how I’ve been thinking about it.”
“So how have you been thinking about it?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t defined it. It’s just felt right. Has it felt wrong for you?”
“No. But I’m struggling with the way it’s made me feel. Emotionally, I mean.” She takes a breath. “I don’t think I can be physical with someone and not have deeper feelings tied up in it.”
I frown at her, frustrated. “What, you think it’s been purely physical for me?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“It’s not.”
She blinks at me. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying it’s not just sex. I’m saying it feels good because it’s with you .”
“But…do you want us to be in a relationship? A real relationship?”
“Yes. I do. I know I don’t have a great track record, but I recognize that I made mistakes in the past. I don’t want to make any of those mistakes with you. I want to be with you for real, Em.” I pause and take a breath. “Do you want that, too?”
She doesn’t say anything. She looks at me, all kinds of conflicted emotions in her eyes. “Honestly, Rock, I’ve been wanting to hear you say that’s what you want. I’ve been hoping for it so much. And to hear you talk about wanting to be a good boyfriend…it makes it even harder to say what I’m about to say.” She takes a breath. “As much as I want to say yes to you, I don’t think we can afford to take that risk. There’s too much at stake. We would be risking our friendship, and we’d be risking the bar…it’s a lot to put all of that on the line. A lot . I’m really scared of messing up and losing all of that.”
Fuck. She’s right. If we try doing this for real and we fuck it up, it’s not going to be like a regular breakup. It’s going to shatter our whole worlds.
“Do you understand where I’m coming from?” she asks, her voice soft.
I nod. “I get it.”
“I’m so sorry, Rock. You have no idea how hard this is for me.”
“I do. It’s painful for me, too.”
A long silence stretches out between us. Emotion fills her eyes. Finally, she swallows and looks at her bag. “Is it okay if I go?”
I don’t want her to go. I really, really don’t want her to go. But I think we both know that right now that’s the best thing for both of us.
I nod. “I’ll give you a ride home.”
She shoulders her bag and walks toward me. When she wraps her arms around me for a hug, I close my eyes and breathe her in.
“Thank you for letting me stay with you,” she says. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.”
As she pulls out of the hug, I can sense that it really is over. I’m never going to know the taste of her kisses again or wake up to her beside me in bed.
I give her a ride back to her apartment on my motorcycle, feeling numb at the feeling of her arms wrapped around my waist. Afterward, when I get back to my place, I walk straight over to my couch, drop down onto it, and rub my hands over my face.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this shitty. I want to believe that the hurt will pass and eventually I’ll get my best friend back. I want to believe that it will all be okay. But right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It feels like we’ve permanently ruined our friendship, and there’s no going back.
I look around my apartment. It feels so fucking empty. My eyes land on the houseplant Emily got me. It looks like it needs water again. I get up and bring it into the kitchen and run it under the tap. But it feels like no matter how much water I give it, it’s never going to fully bounce back.