Chapter Eleven
"Can you pass the potatoes?" Clark asks from across the table.
I nod and hand the bowl over to him, making sure he has a good grip before letting go.
It's the first time we've sat down, all four of us, for a meal in weeks.
I know it's because of me and wanting to avoid the situation as much as possible.
But Charlie is telling Clark tonight and he asked me if I could join them.
"Are you ready for your senior year of high school?" I ask Clark as we all continue to pass around the bowls. I'm not sure if Clark knows something is up or not, but Joyce has made all of his favorite foods tonight. Within a minute, my plate is filled with all the carbs a person could ever want.
"Come on, Uncle N. It's the middle of July and you're ruining the summer vibe asking that!"
The three of us laugh at his whining. I don't follow up with it though, because this is his last summer to be 'off' and enjoy the sun and freedom with his friends.
I love that he's never been ashamed of being a 'kid', even through high school.
Some of his friends got jobs over the summers, but he's always gotten paid to help out on the farm in the summers and on weekends.
Most of the time, he's heading out to join friends at the local swimming hole or his friends come to the farm and do a bonfire and spend the night camping in tents.
We make small talk during dinner. nothing below surface level.
Clark tries to get information out of me about who the mystery guy in my truck was last week.
I'm secretly grateful that he didn't see Bennett's face, but I know that my expression changes just at the memory and Joyce starts in with the teasing as well.
Once our plates are mostly cleared, I can see Charlie's expression go serious and I want to hold my breath for what's about to happen. I keep my face poised, though.
"Clark, I wanted to talk to you about something."
The words hang in the air above us. I can see Clark tense up and his eyes dart to each of us.
He's only seventeen, but he's grown up to be a good boy.
He has his circle of friends, and I know that the dimples when he smiles has attracted a girl or two to him.
He's dated casually through high school, but he's still focused on schoolwork.
He's joined the welding classes and only has one more to take his Senior year before he'll be considered certified.
He could get a job right out of high school, but he's mentioned wanting to take a few classes and get some type of degree as well. I'm proud of him.
When Charlie drops the news of selling the farm, Clark's face goes white.
I wasn't expecting this reaction. Maybe something sad to see it go, but not…
Tears? Charlie tries to console him, telling him that they will still have the house and barn, with enough land for the horses.
It doesn't seem to matter to Clark. The tears are the silent type, the type that happen when you're really hurt.
I'm not sure if I add anything, it will help.
It's the longest minute of my life when no one speaks.
Clark's face slowly turns from tears to anger. It's subtle, but before I know it he's standing up, both hands on the table, and staring at his dad. "You promised me that I would take over the farm when I was old enough."
Then, he runs out the door. We all stand in unison, but I hold out a hand. "Let me talk to him, Char."
Neither of them argues with me and I chase after Clark.
He's fast, that's for sure. He's already in his car by the time I reach him.
He started it, could easily just put it in drive and leave, but he doesn't. I move to the passenger door and tap the window gently with my knuckle.
He doesn't move. I try my luck with the handle and it's open, so I get in and close the door.
His car is standard, a bit small for my taste. And my legs, but I don't say anything.
"Let's take a drive," I say, leaving the decision up to him. "But if you're too upset to drive properly, we can go to my place."
He nods. I'm not sure which option he's choosing, but he puts the car in drive and starts moving slowly.
The driveway where we all park is gravel and splits into two different paths a few meters away.
One path leads to my house and other parts of the property, the other goes straight to the main road.
He slows down, hesitating for a moment. I don't say anything.
I can see his mind is racing and there's another stray tear rolling down his cheek.
He reaches up and wipes it away before turning toward my house.
The car is silent for the short drive. The gravel turns to a dirt road quickly and he takes the bumps and dips carefully.
I try to put some form of encouraging words together, but I draw a blank each time.
I thought he was planning on moving away.
I didn't even know Charlie had promised him the farm when he was older.
Not that I would mind that, of course. I would be thrilled for it to stay in the family, however that happens.
"Is he really selling the farm?" Clark looks at me. The only light around is the glow of the porch light. His face is mostly shadows from this distance as we stay in the car. I nod.
"He signed a contract thinking it was just a section of land, off the main road." I take a deep breath and rest my hands on my legs. "Turns out, it was about three-fourths of the land. You'll keep the house, the barn, and about forty acres around it."
"What about you?" He tone changes to one of panic. "Uncle N, you've lived here your whole life. Dad can't just sell your house!"
"Clark, calm down." I understand his anger. I felt the same way when I learned of this a couple weeks ago. "I was upset too. Still am, actually. Your dad and I aren't on the best of terms right now. But it's a done deal and unfortunately, I'll have to move."
"That isn't fair! This is your house. Shouldn't you have to sign too, or something?"
"It's complicated, Clark, but trust me, I've read over that contract so many times. It sucks a lot, but it's done and I'm figuring it out."
"Where are you going to live?" Clark turns his whole body to face me.
In this moment, he doesn't look like the young man I saw earlier.
Flashes of little Clark running around and laughing cross my mind.
He looks ten years old all over again right now.
I reach across the console and pull him in for a hug.
I hear him sniffle against my shoulder before his whole body starts shaking with sobs.
"Shh, it's okay, Clark." I rub my hand up and down his back, hoping the words and motion are comforting. "It's not like I'm moving far away. I'll just be living in the city limits. You can still come visit all the time."
I give him a couple more minutes before I pull back and motion for him to come inside. I fix us both a cup of instant hot chocolate and we sit on the couch. His eyes are red and the tear streaks are obvious. I don't remember the last time I've seen him cry.
"When do you have to move out?" he asks. His eyes flick up to mine and I can tell he wants to cry more. His breathing is still a bit shaky.
"End of October," I say. "It's why I've been going to this summer class. I'm going to be taking a job with a friend of a friend, but I needed a certification first."
He nods. He already knew I was taking the class, but never really why. He didn't ask more questions and I didn't elaborate.
"And you're moving into the city? Are you getting a house?"
"I don't know," I say. "I haven't found anything I like yet. I've toured a couple of apartments, but nothing has really wowed me."
His face scrunches up and I can't help but let out a small chuckle at the expression. "I can't see you living in an apartment. It's weird."
"I'll have you know, I lived in an apartment for six months before."
His eyes go wide and there's a hint of a smile peeking through. "Really? When?"
"I got in a fight with your grandma and grandpa when I was twenty-two," I say.
The memory comes back to me clear as day as I recount it.
"I wanted to take a friend horseback riding, but they said no because there was some weather that was supposed to come in.
The skies were totally clear that morning and we argued and argued. "
"Over riding a horse?" I know he doesn't believe me. It's true though. I nod.
"It was a special friend," I say. "We'll leave it at that. No further questions."
"A boyfriend?"
"Girlfriend, at that time, actually." His eyes nearly jump out of his head at that.
I set my cup down for fear of spilling it from laughing.
"I wasn't always out as gay, Clark. I learned that later in life.
In the end, I ended up sneaking this girl out to the trails.
We didn't get far before there was a crack of lightning across the sky and the horse she was on got spooked.
She fell off, ended up breaking her wrist. Your grandpa was pissed.
" I enunciate the last word, making him chuckle.
He's never seen his grandpa mad before and I pray he never has to. It's a scary thing.
"I'm sure he was," Clark says. "Why did you leave, though?"
"One, my pride. I got the scolding of a century when I had to call him for help.
Of course, you know your grandpa. He helped the girl into the truck and took her to the hospital himself.
But when he got home, oh lord. We started yelling back and forth.
It's the only time I've ever seen your grandpa really look mad.
It scared me enough to know I really messed up.
"Later that night, I could hear him telling your dad that when he took over the farm, he'd have to watch me closely.
I don't know if I was mad or upset that it was just assumed Charlie would get the farm, but I decided to leave.
I found a place with a buddy of mine, signed a lease for six months. Best and worst months of my life."
"How is that?" Clark finishes his drink and sets the cup down on the table next to mine. He grabs one of the extra pillows and hugs it to his chest.
"Well, it was the best because I was able to figure out what I really wanted in life. Personal relationships developed, I dated some, realized that I absolutely should not be allowed to work a customer service job. I got fired for being too mouthy to a customer when they were rude to me."
"I can totally see that," Clark says. He wipes the palm of his hand across his cheek to get rid of the remaining evidence of his tears.
"It was the worst, though, because I realized how much I loved the farm.
I actually missed waking up early and helping with the animals.
I missed my horse back then. It was actually Zula's mom.
I also missed being around the family, being around nature.
There were a few times I would come back in the middle of the night.
I'd sneak my car down the road slowly and just lay in field and watch the stars.
I'm sure your grandparents knew I came back from time-to-time, but neither of us have ever mentioned it.
I ended up coming back after the six months, practically begging to move back in. "
"And now you have to move away again."
"And now I have to move away again." I repeat his words and nod my head once. "I'm not happy about it, Clark. But we will make do with what's happening. I tried to find a way out of it, but there isn't one."
"Can I ask you something?" Clark doesn't look at me. His eyes are fixed on the edge of the pillow where he's picking at it with his nails. I don't respond, waiting for him to continue. "How did you know you didn't like girls anymore?"
After a quick moment of panic and then a surge of pride shoots through my body, I reach across the space between us and place my hand on his knee.
He finally meets my eyes and I offer him a smile.
"It was a process. It wasn't like it is today when I was your age.
A lot of people got seriously bullied for it.
I never really considered it until I was in my early twenties.
There was a guy that I became good friends with.
It was only after a few months he told me he was gay, but he was scared to go to the clubs and such.
He wasn't a big guy, not like I was from working on the farm.
" I smile at the memory of Jeffrey. I haven't talked to him in a long time.
Some stuff went down and when my last relationship ended, it split our relationship too.
I think that was one of the harder things about that breakup, losing a close friend too.
"I ended up going with him, as a protector and wingman, I guess.
I'd make sure he was safe an got home the next morning, all that stuff.
Eventually, hanging out at these places, my view on things shifted.
I got hit on a few times, figured why not. "
I look wide eyed at Clark. I got lost in the memory and forgot for a moment I was talking to my nephew.
"I am not condoning doing something just because.
The way I… went about things was not a smart move.
If you are interested in someone or in doing something, please do the research and talk it out.
Consent is everything in any type of relationship and being safe is a top priority, understand? "
He nods and I cross my fingers and hope that he takes those words seriously.
"Anyway, after that I realized that I was more attracted to men.
I'd been trying to impress girls my age because that was the norm, but I don't recall ever actually having any feelings toward them.
I wasn't scared that your grandparents would be angry or reject me or anything, but being gay just wasn't a topic of conversation back then.
When I did come out to them, there was some talking but then I brought home my first boyfriend.
I think Dad liked the fact that I got my act together to impress him.
Mom liked having someone else that would take her side and scold me, too. "
"Do you think…" His voice trails off with a sigh. I wait him out. This is a big talk we're having and he'll set the pace for it. "I think I have a crush on one of my friends."