Dottie 19.
“This is a LOT of estrogen.” Sophia mutters beside me on the plush and comfy reclining movie theatre seating in the media room of the Kosher Nostra compound. I can only nod. Around us is just about every female we know. My sisters, and the women of Ezra’s family.
“Oh, child, there isn’t nearly enough estrogen. Several of us stopped producing it within the last few years. Getting old is a bitch.” I can’t help but chuckle at Ezra’s mom. Judi is warm, welcoming, and witty. Everything I stopped dreaming my mother could be too early in life.
“Chin hair is the worst.” Esther softly glides the tip of her index finger along her jawline. “I check and check and then one day, BOOM, that sucker is an inch long!”
The older women jeer in agreement. The rest of us look around at each other in horror. Except Blanche and Tovah. The two of them seem to take it as a challenge as they glare at nothing, like they can scare menopause away. Knowing those two, it’s entirely possible.
Seril’s mom snorts over Shon’s little head as he lays across her shoulder sound asleep. “I feel like that Wooly Willy toy, like a magnet stole the hair from my head and moved it south to give me a beard!”
“I’m just glad the damn night sweats have stopped. That was awful!” Sarah crows. “I seriously considered castrating Morris when he bitched about the soaked sheets.”
Gertie shakes her head in disappointment. “Ain’t a court in the world that would have convicted you.”
Rose tips back her wine glass, emptying it into her mouth. She wipes the back of her hand across her mouth and burps. “Well, doesn’t that all sound like sunshine and smiles. You could lie to us!”
Esther tuts, “This wasn’t something that was spoken about when we were growing up. You didn’t talk about menstruation, sex, anything that might make a man uncomfortable. And you certainly didn’t complain about the affliction of womanhood, you were to celebrate the possessing of a vagina and offer it up to the males as if they were due for the spoils of war!”
“Mame!” Ruthie admonishes, torn between shock and laughter.
Esther sobers immediately, wincing as she looks at her daughter. “Sorry, pumpkin. I was lucky.” She looks at the other aunts and Judi, “We were luckier than most.” They all nod. “Our men loved us, the bloated blubbering messes we were once a month.”
“Oh!” Gertie sits up and claps excitedly. “At least our periods stopped!”
“Hallelujah!”
“Hazzah!”
“Zazim!”
“Fuckin’-A!”
Slinking back into my chair, I close my eyes, a serene smile tipping my lips. I should be freaked the fuck out. I should be clawing at the walls demanding answers from Dr. Penifield. I should be curled up in a ball sobbing my little heart out. Instead, I’m surrounded by the most amazing women I’ve ever met, strong, compassionate, and vibrant.
I’ve never been alone. I’ve always had my sisters. It’s been the four of us against the world since the moment we took our first breaths. When I found the lump under my arm years ago, Blanche, Sophia, and Rose propped me up and forced me to keep living while I awaited biopsy and blood test results. They batted my phone out of my hand when I started Googling worst-case scenarios. They put dice in my hand and Blanche sat on me while we played Monopoly City so I wouldn’t escape.
This time around…I don’t know if it’s because this isn’t my first rodeo, or perhaps it’s because Ezra is there holding me up, while his family supports not only me, but my sisters. The four of us aren’t navigating life on our own anymore. We have people. Aunts to help us navigate the wonderful world of womanhood. Cousins to distract us from the darkness that threatens. Friends who feel more like family who accept us for who we are, not what we can get them.
“Sweetheart.” I blink slowly, smiling broadly when I see Judi above me. “Come take a walk with me.” I don’t even question why she wants to take a walk at 9 at night. I just slip my hand in hers and let her pull me out of the media room, down a couple hallways, and out the back door in the main kitchen. She nods at a few guards and squeezes my hand before pulling it through hers, so we are linked at the elbow.
We walk in companionable silence for a while, just enjoying the fresh air and beautiful grounds of the mishpocheh compound. It’s inviting rather than utilitarian like where we grew up. Even the armed guards that surround us, some hidden, some in plain view, provide a sense of security I did not feel at my father’s. We were prisoners under the watchful eye of a dictator and his minions. Here…is home. For the first time in my life, I feel surrounded by love. I don’t worry about my sisters, or myself, or the future. We aren’t four girls against the big bad world anymore, we have an army at our back, and I have a man at my side that would kill for me in an instant. Just months ago, that would have scared the shit out of me, but now, it provides warm and fuzzy feelings that overwhelm me in the best way possible.
“I grew up in a violent world.” Judi speaks softly, yet she startles me anyway. “The American youth are privileged to have never known war in their backyards. It is not always sunshine and smiles,” she titters quoting my sister from our earlier conversation, “but I do not believe most modern American-born citizens can truly understand the savagery human beings are capable of on a large scale. The echoes of World War II haunted my family, as it did for many others, when I was a child in Armenia. You read about the atrocities throughout human history, and firmly believe that could never happen today. Tomorrow. Next year.” Judi turns to meet my eyes, “You know a little of what man is capable of, the destruction, the bloodthirst, the power they crave.” I dip my chin in acknowledgement. My father was a cruel man in his own way and while the wounds heal, the scars are everlasting reminders.
“I met Aaron…” she smiles dreamily, “and the world seemed brighter. The possibilities endless. We were trapped, left to the whims of men who did not care if we lived or died, but we were together. And that was enough. His connections with the Kosher Nostra eventually led to our escape to the United States. I was already pregnant with our daughter and joyously welcomed her months after our arrival. For a time, the pain of my youth became a distant memory. But as it is with all on Earth, God decides, and we abide. Our Rachel died before her first birthday. She had Tay-Sachs, and it was aggressive. She developed pneumonia and…she was so beautiful. Peaceful in my arms, her chest still, mine ripped open.”
Tears stream unbidden down my cheeks. I lean my head on her heaving shoulders as we continue to walk. My throat constricts, words frozen on my tongue.
“I know what it is like to live with fear as your only companion. To be swallowed up by the what-ifs and unknown. A piece of me was buried with her. I could not imagine another dawn when the darkness of night suffocated me. And then one day, I heard a U2 song,” she laughs, “and something clicked. I hadn’t found what I was looking for. I wasn’t done. People come into your world, and you are forever changed. Good or bad, you are never the same. Aaron healed my bruised and battered heart, and Rachel forced it to beat. Every thump in my chest was her, every pump of blood through my veins was my baby girl pushing me to live. And I owed it to her to do it with gusto.” Judi uses her free hand to wipe at the tears that gather beneath her lashes. She inhales deeply, letting her breathe out slowly. “You were raised with no rights, no love, no control. Then you had your breasts removed to save your potential future.”
My heart kicks in my chest and unintelligible noises fall from my lips. I stop us, turning to face her, my voice incredulous as I say, “Having my tits cut off and your daughter dying are NOT the same!”
Judi shrugs. She fucking shrugs. “A loss is a loss. A loss of identity. A loss of control. An extension of you, a part of you gone.” She pulls me into her embrace, and I release the tenuous hold on my emotions. I cry for Rachel. Sweet teddy bear Aaron. This amazing woman. Two boys who never met their big sister. And myself. I cry for the injustice of it all. The randomness of life.
“No matter what the doctor says, Dot, you are loved. Fiercely. Not just by your sisters, but me. My husband. Our mishegas family. And my baby boy. Oh, how my boy loves you. Carry that with you everywhere you go, and you will never be alone.” Pulling back, she reaches behind her neck and unhooks a chain, drawing the necklace from under her shirt. “This is yours now.”
A mezuzah , ornate and childlike with bright colors, hangs from a simple silver chain. My sisters and I each have one just inside the front doors of our home. There is one as you enter our office suite.
“Rachel is buried with one just like it.” She extends her arms behind me and clasps the necklace, trailing her fingers along the chain and mezuzah as it settles on my chest. “I’ve worn this around my neck since that day.”
“I can’t take this!” I try to take it off, but she stills my hand.
“You will. The mezuzah is affixed to the doorways of our homes, a reminder of our covenant with God, and for some a symbol of protection. Trust God and Rachel to protect the doorway to your soul. She has kept her father, brothers, and I safe for 33 years.”
“Judi—” Fucking tears again. This is getting ridiculous.
“When you are ready, and I will never be offended no matter how long it takes, I hope that you will call me mame or mom. I can never replace the woman who gave birth to you, but I hope you know you are already a daughter of my heart.”
“God dammit!” I screech, throwing myself at the woman, burying my face in her chest. The rumble of her laughter sounds beneath my ear, her body shaking with the joy of it. I know how she loves Ruth, and I am honored to be included. “Ruthie and I are roommates.”
“Thank you, Dottie, for loving my son.”
“He’s easy to love.” She laughs harder knowing Ezra is a pain in the ass.
“Hey, put your emotions away and get your asses back in here! We are inducting four new members to the BABs and there are shots that need shooted!”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” I whisper so Tovah can’t hear me.
“It’s best not to argue with her. She bites.” I blush all the way down to my toes. “Oh God! She bit you when you two—” Judi breaks off as she bends at the waist, wheezing with laughter.
“Shut up!” I hiss. Ezra and I have decided not to talk about my time with Tovah…EVER! “Come on.” I grab her arm and start tugging her toward the house. “And what is a babs again?” I vaguely remember Ezra mentioning it before.
“B. A. B.” Judi emphasizes each letter when she finally stops laughing. “Bad Ass Bitches.”
“Oh!” I exclaim, walking into the main kitchen. “Induct away!” All the women are hovering around the island, shot glasses filled with some nasty looking liquid. I join my sisters, grab a shot glass and raise it with the others.
Tovah slaps her palm against the granite. Glass above her head, she says, “May your insults bruise, your aim be lethal, and your pussy stay tight!”
“TOVAH!”