Chapter 19 Bird #2
“Well, Dade’s always having to step in and rescue her from people trying to mess with her. You know, ’cause of the whole gay thing,” she says, whispering the word.
“Seriously?” I ask, unable to swallow my mouthful of sandwich because of the sick feeling that thought leaves in my stomach. “It was something like that, I guess,” I lie, because I told Jessa I wouldn’t say anything about her sister. “So that happens a lot?”
She nods. “Oh yeah.”
“That’s terrible.”
“Gosh, do you really like her? She’s so weird.”
“She’s not that weird, Kayla. And yeah, I do like her.”
“Well, don’t get defensive about it.”
“I’m not.”
“Don’t get mad at me for saying this, but just be careful.”
“Why?”
“I saw you guys at the skating rink. Holding hands and stuff—I know you were just helping her, but that’s how rumors start, and you don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I just want you to be careful.”
“You want me to be careful?” I can’t help laughing.
“Yeah, why’s that funny?”
“Because, Kayla. You’re the one who—who’s…”
“Who’s what? God, just spit it out already.”
“Who’s shitting on all your old friends and almost having sex in cars and drinking and staying out all night and changing your entire personality over a guy, and…”
“And what?” she snaps, seeming amused. “Don’t hold back now.”
“And starving yourself to death—which I’m supposed to act like I don’t notice because every time I bring it up you get mad at me—and you have the nerve to tell me to be careful?”
“I can’t believe you’re mad at me right now when you’re the one who left me all alone last night. And then you call my house this morning and get me in trouble. I should be so mad at you right now! And you’re bitching at me, instead?”
“Hey, you left me first,” I argue. No holding back. “Tell me, at what point last night did you even notice I was gone?”
She shakes her head and crosses her arms, her smile angry and tight.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. At least I cared enough to check on you—you had no idea what happened to me last night either, and I bet you didn’t even give it a second thought.”
“Nice. Real nice, Bird.” And she’s stopped angry-smiling. Now she’s just angry, and for a moment it feels good, because at least I know she still cares enough to actually get mad at me. “Good to know you think so highly of me.”
“Yeah, well, you haven’t been giving me a lot of reasons to lately.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Where do I even start? Okay. How’s this: Why would you tell Dade about Silas?”
“I didn’t—”
“You told him I got dumped and he thinks that’s why I don’t like him.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Well, he thinks since I got dumped—which I didn’t, by the way—I’m just hating guys for the hell of it, and he thinks I think he’s going to hurt you because I got hurt.”
“That’s not what I told him, Bird.”
“Why are you telling him anything? That was private. And it wasn’t even the truth!”
“How am I supposed to know what happened when you won’t tell me anything? I’ve been trying to drag the details out of you for two months and all you say is ‘It’s complicated’ and ‘I can’t explain’ and—”
“Yeah, because all you seem to be interested in hearing about is how we had sex and what I did with him and how I did it and what he did to me, and what I really wanted to talk to you about is my feelings and being scared and feeling shitty about hurting him and then hurting…” I stop myself.
“Hurting…?” she repeats, rolling her hand toward me, like she’s trying to draw it out of me.
“Hurting who?” She pauses. “Exactly, you still won’t even tell me the other person’s name or this mysterious love triangle thing that was so life-altering and secretive you can’t even tell me about it? It’s like you don’t trust me.”
“Maybe I don’t!” I shout.
“Wow,” she whispers, her eyes filling up with tears. “You know, did it ever occur to you that I was asking about that stuff because I was scared? I wanted to talk to you about it because I was trying to figure it all out on my own and I needed you!”
“Well, why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“Because you were gone!” she yells, wiping her eyes on her sleeves. “You left to go do your stupid writing shit that you think is so important and you left me here.”
“Stupid writing shit?” I repeat. “Thanks. I would never say that about your painting, which, by the way, are you even doing that anymore? And don’t blame it all on me, Kayla. We were supposed to keep in touch, and you stopped replying to my emails and you kept missing my calls.”
“Like you even cared?”
“I did care—I needed you, too! I was so lost and confused and I felt like you just disappeared. And I wouldn’t have left if I thought this was what would happen.
” I’m shouting and crying at the same time, and I can’t tell if I’m sad that I’m angry or angry that I’m sad or both.
“I didn’t think everything would change,” I tell her, which is the truth. I honestly didn’t.
“Well, it did!” She sniffs deeply and wipes her eyes one more time. Then she stands and walks over to her door, holds it open.
“Really?” I ask in disbelief. “You want me to leave? Now? After all this, we’re not gonna talk about it?”
“I’ve heard enough,” she says, so cold.
I stand up slowly, disoriented, still crying. As I walk by her, I want to pull her into a hug, shake her, do something to make her stop acting like this. “Kayla,” I begin, standing directly in front of her. “I haven’t heard enough, okay? We need to talk about—” But she cuts me off.
“All right. One more thing then. I wouldn’t have had to tell Dade anything if you weren’t being such a bitch in the first place. Heard enough now?”