Chapter 24 Jessa #2
“You gotta start with tinder and kindling and then bring in the logs, and there’s a pyramid you need to make…
. Here, let me.” Bird takes the lighter out of my hands, empties the stove, and starts over.
I watch her tear out a piece of notebook paper and crumple it up, then put over it small twigs she gathers from the yard.
She adds larger ones in the shape of a pyramid, without even setting the firewood in.
She sparks the lighter and ignites the paper.
It catches, the flame jumping from paper to twig to stick, and once it’s lit up nice and hot, she drops in a couple of logs.
“How’d you learn to do that?” I am stunned. This is so un-Bird-like.
“My dad. He liked taking us camping when I was a kid, taught us a lot about survival.” She stands back, admiring her work, then guides me to the fire and rubs her hands on my arms, warming me.
“Roller-skating and survival, very cool. Sounds like someone you’d want in the zombie apocalypse.”
“Yeah…” she agrees, and I can see her go distant, thinking about him. A dim sadness takes over her face.
“Have you thought any more about that Boston road trip?” I ask her.
“No,” she murmurs, and I see the flames reflected in her eyes as she stares at them.
“Okay,” I say, and wrap my arms around her. We hold each other quietly for some time. I love these moments. We don’t need anything, not even words. We’re just there with each other, not waiting to transition to the next thing, just being, until the next thing happens. Liminal people.
But my stomach growls loudly and she breaks out of it, and I take her to the table, where there’s a selection of my mom’s cookies (thank you, church social), chips, apples, Swiss Rolls, bottles of Barq’s, and some slices of Domino’s that I foil-wrapped and figured could manage the trip.
Also a big-ass bag of Halloween candy I swiped from Dad’s stash.
“Dinner is prepared!” I call out, doing my best Magenta impression from Rocky Horror, which, judging from her expression, she didn’t get.
“Wow, it’s… it’s perfect,” she says, and reaches for some chips. I crack a root beer and hand it to her.
“Your beverage, madame.”
She smiles and takes it, but before she can get it to her lips, a crack of thunder rips out through the air, startling us both. Then she smiles even bigger.
“Ooooh, nice,” she says, and runs to the opening where the door used to be and looks out, as rain suddenly starts sheeting down. The smells of lightning and loam fill the place as the unpredictable fall weather sheets the town with water, turning everything into mud.
“Oh shit,” I say, realizing this night might disappear into a downpour.
“No, it’s awesome,” she says. “Just look at that.” She guides me to the door and steps behind me, her arms wrapped around my waist, her body against mine, head on my shoulder. “I love storms.”
I shudder as lightning streams across the sky, thunder following loudly.
“It’s beautiful,” she says.
“You’re beautiful,” I whisper, and I turn and kiss her hard, hungry for her lips, for her soft touch and the way she looks into my eyes when we part.
We can only stay away for a second before we’re back together, hands exploring above our clothes, bodies pressed into one another, tongues tasting each other as we both catch fire like spark to tinder to kindle.
Bird pulls away and her eyes flick to the sleeping bag I rolled out close to the stove.
I nod and she takes my hand and leads me over. We sit down together, kissing again until I break off, remembering.
“Is this? Are you?” She can’t get the words out. I couldn’t either.
“Yes, but…” I lean over and turn on the boom box, the CD I burned for tonight already inside. But she hits pause before we can even get to the second chord.
“Jessa, are you okay with this?”
“Yes, are you?”
“Yes.”
I touch my hand to her face, run it through her curls, look her in the eyes, and see my fire reflected in hers. “If anything changes, you tell me, okay? We only do what we want to do.”
“Same for you,” she says.
I smile in agreement and she pulls me in for a kiss, and my finger hits the play button before I reach for her body, tugging at her shirt as the guitar seeps in and Mazzy Star soundtracks the most important moment of my life.
“I love this song,” Bird whispers.
“Me too,” I breathe.
She gasps as my hands travel up her shirt, palms brushing over her bra, feeling her nipples hard against the fabric, the need in me so strong I have to calm myself not to experience this all too fast.
“I wanna hold the hand inside you…”
“Fade into You” fills the room with its eerily romantic crooning.
Bird has her hands on my shirt and is pulling it over my head in one smooth movement, and I’m helping her with hers. It’s picture-perfect until we get to the bras.
We’re in a weird hug, trying to undo the clasps, and I’ll be damned if hers isn’t some kind of chastity bra or something because it will not undo, and she’s struggling too and I pull back and we both burst into peals of laughter, the rain echoing on the tin roof.
“I got it,” she says, and reaches behind her back to undo her bra, dropping each strap, revealing creamy skin and the most gorgeous breasts I have ever seen. Kate Winslet has nothing on Bird.
“You are so beautiful.”
She ducks her chin shyly, covering herself, then thinking better. “Your turn,” she says.
Suddenly self-conscious, thinking about how one boob is bigger than the other, how my stomach is so visible with its slight pooch, how my body has never been seen in this way, I hesitate.
“… I look to you to see the truth.”
Mazzy is speaking the bible of tonight. Bird reaches out and runs a hand gently down my arm. “It’s okay if you want to stop.”
Just knowing that, I feel safe. I feel safer than I ever have because of Bird, this delicate gorgeous person who is willing to protect me from all my ghosts.
I shake my head. “I want this so much, Bird.” I pull my bra off as her hand reaches out and touches me.
The fire in me grows so high that it seeps out of me, into her, and we are again together.
She hooks her fingers into the belt loop of my jeans and pulls me in, another kiss, our chests pressed against one another, we lean down on the sleeping bag, facing each other. I reach for the button on her jeans.
“Is this still okay?” I ask her.
She smiles and nods, I undo it, and then the sound of the zipper teeth echoes in my heart. I slide her jeans down and she helps me with mine, the pants loose and slipping off without much resistance, just our underwear left.
She slides her hand lower, always looking at me, looking in my eyes, making sure this is what I want. I couldn’t want anything more. I want to fade into her, I want everything she has to give, I want her hands forever on me, her lips forever on mine. I want eternity with Bird in my arms.
Her hands touch the softest spot and the two of us gasp, a whispered “Oh god” parting her lips, the excitement heavy in her voice. I lean into her for another kiss as my world lights up.
The only thing I can think to whisper to her is:
“I love you.”
She smiles and looks me in the eyes again so I know it’s real.
“I love you, too.”