Chapter 33 Bird
BIRD
The high-pitched three-note frequency kept replaying in my head all weekend long.
Then the mechanical recording on a loop: “We’re sorry, the number you have reached has been disconnected.
” Over and over, taunting us, until the line went dead.
Charlie dialed three more times before I took the receiver from his hand and hung it up.
I let myself mope for four days and four nights, but this morning I woke up and something was different.
I showered and got dressed and put my coat on, and I bundled up all my sadness and anger and frustration and disappointment, channeling all of it as I walked to school, prepared to march straight up to Jessa and change the reality around this whole “break” obstacle.
I will make her understand, we will create a new path around it.
There is no spoon, I hear Charlie’s voice saying in my head.
I’m so focused on my mantra that I don’t notice it right away. How groups of kids are standing in clusters in the hallway, entranced by something they’re all huddled around. It seems like each pod takes turns shouting and gasping and laughing.
I wait at Jessa’s locker and the buzz of energy is palpable. Frenetic and shrouded, in that way only gossip is. I observe from the outside, not caring to be in on whatever it is.
It’s only when I see one body break away from a huddle down at the end of the hall, her familiar walk unmistakable as she hurriedly makes her way toward me, that I start to wonder what’s going on. It’s Liv. She’s clutching a magazine or something in her hand, shaking it in the air.
“Did you know about this, Bird?” she asks me, her smile twisted. “Brutal.”
“What is?” I ask. “And why are you talking to me? Aren’t you worried people will see and find out we’re related?”
“This,” she says, handing me the little pamphlet thing everyone seems to have a copy of, “is bigger than that.”
As I open it up, I recognize it, even though I’ve never seen it before. It’s a zine. It’s Jessa’s style. Telling the story of a sordid love triangle/affair, with magazine and newspaper headline words jumping off the page. SLUT and LIES and BETRAYAL. And in smaller, individual letters, k a y l a.
They’re all black-and-white and grainy, copies of copies of copies.
Looks like a ransom letter.
And it is. Except there’s no returning Kayla’s reputation after the ransom’s been paid.
The zine is everywhere.
I race to the student parking lot, not sure who I’m looking for first, Kayla or Jessa. I get outside just in time to see Kayla’s car. To hear her tires screeching against the pavement as she speeds right past me and out of the lot. I wave my hands in the air, but she must not see me.
I go back to where Jessa usually parks and I find her car there, empty.
I know she has chem first period today, but I think I have a good idea of where to find her.
I walk outside around the perimeter of the school, trying to let my steps and the air cool my blood, slow the hundreds of thoughts swirling around in my mind.
I spot her there, sitting against the brick wall between E building and the quad.
“Tell me this wasn’t you,” I shout, still clutching the ransom zine in my hand.
“Hear me out,” she begins, standing up.
“Oh, like you heard me out about why I couldn’t tell you a secret that wasn’t mine to share and how there’s a lot more at stake here than just Dade’s feelings?
Oh. Hold on. That’s right, you did-didn’t!
” I’m yelling at her and it looks like I’m about to make her cry, but I don’t even care right now.
“You re-refused to hear me out and you left me hanging for five days without a—”
“But I—”
“No, you have no excuse, so don’t interrupt me!” I shout, and she closes her mouth, takes a step back, and puts her hands in her pockets. Except now that she’s not interrupting me, I don’t know what else to even say. “I can’t believe you would do this. I really can’t. How could you be so cruel?”
She’s shaking her head. “I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I was trying to protect you, Bird,” she says, taking a step closer.
“Protect me?” I shriek. “Wh-what—what could I possibly gain from this?”
“I was at Touchstone on Friday, and I found out that there are rumors starting about you.”
“Kayla will be crucified. There’s no repairing this damage. And she’s already not okay, which is why I didn’t tell you in the first place. She said she’d die if Dade found out what she did.”
“Oh,” Jessa breathes, like she might finally hear what I’ve been trying to tell her. “Wait, do you think she would do something?”
“I know she means it. In some way, she means it. And I’m scared for her—I’m not scared for me.
And by the way, this…?” I toss the zine on the ground between us.
“It paints her like she’s some kind of prostitute.
It was once—it was her first time and it was awful for her.
It was a mistake and it’s been eating her alive this whole time. ”
“Well, that’s not the version I heard.”
“And you think Emmanuel’s version is real? What, a guy wouldn’t lie about how many times he screwed someone? And who are you—who are any of us—to be judging what she does, anyway?”
“Fine! Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe he was bragging. But I knew nobody would be talking about you today if this was out there. And I’m standing by that.”
“Jessa, god! I don’t need you to protect me from being outed. How many times do I have to tell you that? If you’re so concerned about protecting people’s privacy and how fucked up it is to be outed by someone else, why in the world would you turn around and do that to Kayla?”
“It’s not the same.”
“Maybe it is. You outed her. Except it wasn’t even the truth.”
“Bird…”
“And another thing, you did this to Dade, too! This is how you treat people you claim to care about?”
“It was for you,” she repeats.
“No, I’m not accepting that! You are not putting that on me. This wasn’t for me. I didn’t need that. You did this for you.”
“Why?” she says, almost breathless. “Why would I do this for me?”
“I don’t know! But I can’t sit around and help you figure it out right now. I need to go find Kayla before she does something stupid.”
“Bird, wait. Are we… Are you… Is this over?” she says quietly.
“You know, I honestly couldn’t believe you’d ask me for a break after everything we’ve been through. But now I think I need one.”
“A break or a breakup?” she demands. “Just tell me right now.”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Why not?” she whispers, and I realize she’s getting quieter because there are people out here. A few people. Most are just standing around smoking cigarettes. Not close enough to hear us but close enough to see us.
“Because.” I step in close to her and tuck her hair behind her ear, her eyes darting all over.
I hold on to the sides of her jacket to pull her close and she’s shaking her head, about to tell me not to, but I do.
I kiss her. Out here in the open where anyone can see.
“Because,” I repeat. “You don’t get to control everything. ”