Chapter 36 Jessa
JESSA
Snow fell early this year, and it seemed to put a quietude on the entire month of December.
The cold and white on the ground swallowed everything acoustic, leaving an absence as painful and real as the giant sucking hole in my chest. Bird hasn’t called.
Dade has, but I’m trying to keep the promise I made to myself.
I’ve spent afternoons sleepwalking through the aisles of Pterodactyl Records and bumping around crowds in Touchstone like a pinball.
Home is a battleground I avoid, with Mack being up more often than down, and I slink in and out like a rat haunting the walls and attic.
More often than not I’m too stoned to feel much as I watch the downward spiral of my family.
I can’t be bothered, though, because I’m in a free fall of my own.
Natalie has sought me out a number of times, stood beside me at shows, offered me better drugs to help me through it, but I turn them down. Last week she scored a bottle of Prozac in the hopes I might try something more mainstream, but I assured her it was a phase.
Dwayne tried to broach the Bird topic, but I told him it was off-limits. I pushed us back to music. Fiona Apple, Elliott Smith, Sinéad O’Connor all speaking to my heartbreak and anger. My old friends in this dark hole of a winter.
It’s the last day of school before winter break, and I’m trying to simmer in my grief when Olivia Fucking Rubens shows up at my lunch spot, hands on hips, lips puckered like an asshole. She won’t move and I finally pull off my headphones. “The fuck do you want?”
“You need to stay away from my sister, you stupid hooker.”
“I do, do I? Well, I don’t fucking see her here!”
“Do you have any idea of the damage you’ve done? It was one thing when this shit was quiet and I thought you actually had a fucking brain, but kissing her on the quad? Here? Do you even know how many people are talking about it?”
At first I think about sitting here, taking the blame, placing it in the black hole inside me and keeping Bird safe.
But that’s what made this monster—lying, pretending, hiding.
I pull myself up to my feet, tired of her talking down to me, shove my face close to hers, and hiss, “It wasn’t me who kissed her.
Bird made that choice, and you need to fucking respect it. ”
Her eyes widen for a second, then get back to an angry squint. “I don’t care who did what gross queer shit to each other, I don’t need a dyke for a sister, so stay the fuck away.”
“She’s bi, not a dyke. And I’m a lesbian, not a dyke. And you’re a goddamned hateful bitch.”
A crowd is forming, the hint of a fight alluring in the bleh pre-Christmas slump. “Well, hopefully the good half of her will find a boyfriend,” she snaps, and turns on her heel, walking away.
A boyfriend. The safe choice. The smart choice. But will she love him? Can she love anyone else? I don’t think I ever will.
All the emotions, all the crap, everything I’ve been shoving down and hiding comes up and I reach out and grab that silky, perfect ponytail of hers and yank as fucking hard as I can.
Her head pulls back, body following, tripping into me, and when we collide, she becomes vicious.
Her hands are raking at me and I’m punching and next thing I know we’re getting pulled apart by Paige and Bri and Emmanuel and other classmates I’ve just begun to realize aren’t out to get me.
I let them, and when Olivia tries to rush back at me, Paige steps between us.
“Enough, Rubens,” she says, pushing her back gently. “Walk away.”
“She’s a fucking dyke! She’s recruiting—”
“Shut the hell up, Liv,” Bri cuts in. “Enough is enough.”
Liv looks around and I do too, and I see a lot of the less popular faces, all scowling at her. All mad at her. All standing up for me.
“Pull that shit again, I’ll let your father know about you and Garrett,” Bri murmurs. Liv looks scared. Evidently Bri has something on her. “Bathrooms have ears. Back off Jessa and stick to your own crowd.”
Olivia Fucking Rubens knows when she’s been beat, and she walks away. I look at Bri and Paige and the others, all standing around, and for once I realize I may not be as alone as I thought.
“Thanks,” I murmur, brushing dirt off my jeans and jacket.
“No prob,” Bri says.
“It’s what friends do,” Paige adds. “Let’s go grab some fries from the caf. I’m famished.”
I sit with them at an actual lunch table, and we talk about anything but Bird, who is nowhere to be found.