Chapter Twelve
Edwina
Being here, standing this close to him, feeling everything I had worked so hard to bury rise again, was dangerous in more ways than one.
It threatened the life I had built, the peace I had fought for, and the truth I had kept hidden for years.
If I stayed any longer, I was not sure I would have the strength to protect any of it.
The moment I stepped outside, I drew the cold air into my lungs, hoping it would settle the chaos inside me. For a few seconds, I stayed there on the street, trying to let the distance become real again. He was behind that door now. I was outside. That should have made me feel safe.
It wasn’t.
My hands still trembled, so I curled them into fists and pressed my fingers against my palms, trying to remind myself that I was no longer standing in front of him.
His voice was not in my ear. His eyes were not on me.
His hands were not touching my face. Still, my body had not caught up with the truth yet.
I reached into my bag and pulled out my phone because I needed something ordinary to hold on to, a piece of the life I had built without Hayden in it. The screen lit up at once.
Missed calls and messages.
Giselle. Daniel.
A breath slipped out of me as I stared at the notifications. Then I saw the time, and my stomach dropped.
By now, I should have been at work, in my classroom, speaking about grammar, assignments, lectures, anything safe enough to keep my mind from falling apart.
Instead, I was standing outside Hayden’s apartment, trying to gather pieces of myself that no longer fit the way they had before I walked through his door.
How was I supposed to explain this to my department? To anyone?
I lowered the phone and pushed it back into my bag, as if delaying the calls would make them easier to face.
Thanks to Hayden.
Again.
He had stepped back into my life with the same force he had always carried, unsettling everything I had worked so hard to keep in place. His presence alone seemed to know where to press, what to disturb, and how to reach the parts of me I had spent years trying to protect.
I should have been angry. I wanted to hold on to that anger, to use it as proof that leaving had been right and never looking back had been the only choice I could make. Anger had kept me standing for years. It had helped me build a life he could not touch.
Yet as I stood there with the cold against my skin and silence around me, something far more unsettling rose beneath it.
I had missed him.
The truth came quietly, and that made it worse. It was not a passing thought or some softened memory time had made easier to carry. It lived deeper than that, in a place I had never managed to reach, no matter how many times I told myself I had buried him.
I had missed his touch, the warmth of his hand against my skin, the way his voice changed when he said my name. I had missed how he looked at me as if the rest of the world had fallen away, and God help me, I had missed the way he kissed me.
My fingers tightened around the strap of my bag as the realization settled inside me. I should not have felt any of it. I should have been stronger than this. Still, denial would not make the truth disappear.
I could still feel him.
It was there in my skin, in my breath, in the way my body had answered him before my mind could stop it.
Years had passed, and somehow that part of me had not changed.
That truth frightened me more than anything he had said, because it meant that even after everything I had survived, a part of me had never fully let him go.
And I had no idea how to fix that anymore.
I did not realize how long I had been standing there until the cold slipped through my coat and pulled me into the present again, the street beneath my feet, the phone waiting in my bag, and the life that still existed beyond Hayden and the dangerous pull of everything I could not afford to feel again.
With a breath, I pulled my phone out again and unlocked the screen. This time, I opened Giselle’s messages first. Answering her felt safer than facing Daniel, because Giselle would worry, she would ask questions, but she would also know when to wait.
Giselle
Where are you? You missed your class.
Giselle
Are you okay?
Giselle
Edwina, please answer me when you see this.
Giselle
I checked your office. You’re not there.
Giselle
Did something happen?
Giselle
I’m starting to worry.
Giselle
If you need help, just send me one word. I’ll come.
Giselle
Don’t ignore me.
My fingers hovered over the screen as guilt pressed into my chest. Giselle knew enough to be worried, maybe more than I wanted her to, and the thought of explaining any of it made my stomach twist. I typed a reply, deleted it, then typed again, forcing myself to choose the simplest version of the truth.
Me
I’m okay. I’m sorry I missed class. Something came up. I’ll explain later. Please cover for me if anyone asks.
I stared at the message before sending it, hating how weak it sounded, hating that something came up could mean anything except the truth.
My fingers moved to Daniel’s name next, his missed calls sitting beneath Giselle’s, and this time I hesitated longer. I knew what I had to say.
Another lie.
I pressed call before I could talk myself out of it.
He answered almost immediately. “Edwina? Where are you? I’ve been calling you. Are you alright?”
“I know,” I said, trying to sound normal. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t feeling well this morning.”
“What do you mean you weren’t feeling well?” he asked, worry sharpening his voice. “You missed your class. That’s not like you.”
Guilt pressed harder against my chest. “I know. I should have texted. I just needed a little time.”
“Are you home?”
The question made my grip tighten around the phone. “No. Not yet.”
A pause followed. “Where are you, then?”
“I’m just outside,” I said, hating how vague it sounded. “I’ll come in later.”
“Edwina,” he said, softer now, “you’re worrying me.”
“I’m fine,” I said quickly. “Really. I just need to handle something first.”
He went quiet for a moment, as if deciding whether to push. “Do you want me to come get you?”
“No,” I answered too fast. “No, please don’t. I’m okay.”
He noticed. I knew he did. Still, he let it go.
“Alright,” he said at last. “But text me when you’re on your way. And if you need anything, call me. Don’t disappear on me like this.”
“I won’t.”
I ended the call before it could turn into questions I was not ready to answer. For a moment, I stood there with my phone in my hand, the silence around me feeling heavier than before.
December. The semester was almost over. The days were shorter now, the cold settling deeper into the city as final lectures, exams, and holiday plans began to fill everyone’s conversations. Christmas was coming. New Year too.
And Helena.
The thought of her pulled me back at once. My chest ached, though this time the feeling grounded me instead of breaking me. Helena came first. Whatever Hayden had awakened in me, whatever pain still lived in the past, none of it mattered as much as protecting her.
Helena’s birthday was coming. Giselle had already started planning it with an excitement I could not bring myself to interrupt.
She wanted the day to feel bright, full of laughter and color, untouched by everything I had spent years trying to leave behind.
A surprise party. A big one, because according to Giselle, Helena deserved nothing less.
A small smile touched my lips as I remembered how serious she had been about it, talking about decorations, cake, balloons, and all the little details Helena would love. For a moment, the thought warmed me.
Then another question slipped in and ruined it. What if Hayden found out?
The thought settled in my chest, sharp enough to steal the breath I had just managed to gather. He was suspicious now. He had started asking questions, watching me with a narrowed focus that made me feel as if he could pull the truth out of my silence if he stared too long.
If he kept pushing, it would only be a matter of time. He would notice too much. One small crack in the life I had built, and Hayden would find his way straight to the truth I had spent years protecting.
My fingers tightened around the strap of my bag. The cold no longer helped. The quiet around me felt useless, because this had stopped being only about me and the things I still felt against my will.
This was about Helena. I had admitted to myself I still wanted him. I missed him. Some part of me had never stopped reacting to him, no matter how hard I had tried to bury it. Those feelings frightened me, yet they were not the worst of it.
The real danger was what would happen if Hayden discovered the truth.
And I could not let that happen.
By the time I stepped into the university building that morning, I could feel the change in the air. No one stared openly. No one whispered loudly enough for me to catch every word. Still, something felt different, and it followed me through the corridors, making each step feel watched.
People kept talking when I passed, though their voices dropped just slightly for me to notice. I did not need to hear everything to understand. My name had spread farther than it should have, passed around by people who knew only pieces of the truth and filled in the rest themselves.
I kept walking with my face composed, my shoulders straight, giving them nothing to study. In a place like this, people could turn almost anything into a story. A glance held too long, a pause at the wrong moment, even the smallest shift in my expression could be enough.
Still, I caught pieces of their whispers.
“She’s been there again.”
“I saw her leaving his office yesterday.”
“It’s getting obvious.”