Chapter Nine
“ P rincess,” a strong voice says behind me, punctuated by the strums of his four-string. “What could trouble someone such as yourself?” I don’t look up from the pillows but can feel him move around the room until he sits beside me on the chaise. His fingers comb through the tangles of my curls, hesitant at first, but when I don’t protest, his fingers move as expertly as they strum his strings. I shudder then relax into the contact.
Turning to face him, I know I must look a complete mess. My dress is covered in stains from the healer’s ward, my hair has all but discarded the tie holding it back, and I can feel how sticky and tear stained my burning cheeks are.
But something about him relaxes me, just being near him is soothing. And something about his calm demeanor nudges me toward him. It’s as if I’ve known him all my life. Like the silences between Licia and me during our studies. No matter how long quiet fell over us, I could feel her beside me, and even through the silence, we both felt the comfort and solidarity between us.
As soon as I turn toward him, his fingers trace my tears, drying them with the softest touch. He looks at me; his eyes searching for an answer.
“I thought I knew who I was, what my place was here, but it would seem I know nothing. And it’s too much.” My words pour out, confiding in a stranger seems safe. Like anything I say will dissolve into the air around us. I lean into him, finding a small amount of strength in the contact.
“But don’t you know? When you know nothing is when you’re able to learn the most.” I tuck my legs beneath me and allow him to pull me in closer. “I believe it’s when you think you know everything is when you get yourself into trouble.”
“I wish I believed you. But I’ve known my place my whole life. I’ve known the plan for Merula and my part in it. The best way for me to be a part of Merula’s future is to play that part. And up until now, I had no problem doing so.” I speak into the safety of his chest, surprised at how bold I’m acting, and how right this feels. With my hand resting on the pure muscle there it distracts me from the raging thoughts in my mind. I try to recall the last time I found myself in the embrace of a man but nothing comes to mind. Avicii was never one to spend time afterward together, and even though there were others before him, I can’t recall feeling so comforted by a man’s touch. “But after today, I’m not so sure.”
My hand brushes against something hard between us. I lean back out of his embrace. “What’s this?”
“Ah, my dagger.” He unbuckles it and puts it beside us. “You never know when you’ll need one.” He shrugs and his bright, playful smile lightens the struggle in my mind. I can’t help but laugh.
“There you are,” he says, and those simple words make my heart flutter. Something it's been doing a lot lately. Around him.
I trace his smile with my fingertips, unable to pull my gaze away as I think about how kissable it is. How I shouldn’t get involved with him. How I shouldn’t be attracted to him. How he shouldn’t be attracted to a widow. But how kissable are those lips?
His eyes grow dark as if my thoughts are written across my face. I bite my lip, unsure where this can go, but I can feel his attraction, and this, he is what I want.
And in the midst of this moment, I can feel the difference between myself wanting something and agreeing to something someone I love desires of me. This feeling is different and a little exciting. I lean in, inches away from those kissable lips.
But I can’t do this.
I’m recently widowed. I’m promised to another. For my realm. I can’t indulge with Thaddeus.
“I can’t.” I push away so fast I almost fall backward. His quick hands catch me from falling but don’t move to pull me in again. He looks from my lips to my eyes to the doorway behind him, trying to decipher what’s changed. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
With his hands on my hips, he guides me to standing. His demeanor is calm, but I can see the confusion in his eyes as he stands as well, giving me the distance I need.