Chapter Thirty-Four
T haddeus catches me with one arm and pulls me into him. The muscles in his arm wrap me close so my back presses against his chest, his nose snuggling in the small part of my neck right under my ear. I look up, smiling my thanks to him and see amusement and something else dancing there.
A cough reminds me of Etos, who is still standing an arm’s length away. The ease and confidence from a moment before is replaced with an anger so bright I can feel it. I watch, tension clouding the room as the men stare each other down.
It’s a strange feeling, both men in front of me, vying for my attention. Just weeks ago, my husband would leave me for months at a time on my own, not caring how I fared or what I did with my time, the loneliness eating me up. But now, whatever this is, feels the same. I’ve enjoyed my stolen moments with Thaddeus, but now that Etos has arrived this can no longer continue.
At the same time, even though I’m promised to Etos, little does he know, I’ll be long gone before our marriage words are exchanged between us, so there’s little point in spending the time to get to know him.
Unsure what to do, I let Thaddeus lead me deeper into the library with my hand in his as he pulls me along the stacks. I look back just once, Etos still watching; his fists clenched by his side and tension radiating off his strong shoulders.
Just out of sight, I drop his hand. Thaddeus turns toward me at the sudden change.
“I know you’re still processing everything—”
“Just processing everything? You mean, just processing that just now, you and the king of Etos were practically snarling over me like I was a piece of fresh meat? Or maybe I’m just processing the reality that I’m promised to said king but I’m about to leave him and the life I know to go trekking into the snow-filled mountain tops? Or maybe I’m processing the fact that despite how well we’ve gotten to know each other as of late, you didn’t feel it was necessary until days ago to bring up that you knew I had a sister. A sister in peril, at the hand of your people?” Disgusted with everything and not sure where this rage is bubbling up from, I try to move away, but there’s only so much room between the stacks of books on either side of us. “Not to mention that you're one of them. A bloodthirsty Ancient, just like them.”
“Eh, yes.” He steps closer, bravely closing the space between us once again. “I thought between Sturdevant and me, I’d be the lesser evil.” He smiles, but I can tell by the way he doesn’t fully close the distance between us, he’s not confident this will end in his favor.
My body sings at his proximity, but the wound of his omissions are still too raw. “I can’t keep doing this. It should be easy to end this. There’s nothing but lust between us,” but as I motion at the space between us, I can’t help but recall the overwhelming pull I feel each time he’s close to me, what of that?
“There’s more here than just the fire between our bodies. I know you feel it, too.” He reaches toward me, but I press myself against the stacks. A flash of last time he was pressed against me here sears my mind, but the feeling isn’t the same and I quickly shake it off.
“That’s the problem. I can’t be with you. I thought I could trust myself with you. I thought this would be easy. I thought we would work. I thought I could trust you. The feelings between us are too much, I can’t keep track of what’s real and what you mean to me. And what’s just my reaction to your pretty words.” I inhale and wait. I watch as he goes from hopeful to something else.
“I need you, Roe.” The sound of my name on his lips undoes something in me. But he can’t be a part of my life while I figure this out. I’m just beginning to understand who I am and what it means to listen to myself. And even though every part of me is screaming he’s a part of this recent unlocking, and I should fall into his arms, I know it's not the place for me.
His face crumbles as my resolve hardens. I can see the wall go up between us, and even though I know it’s the right thing, it hurts to see him on the other side.