Chapter Thirty-Four #3
My hand goes to my wrist without thinking, finding the bracelet there.
When Finn gave it to me, I had thought it was sweet.
More than sweet. It had been everything I needed at the time.
I thought he was giving me a name that reflected the strength he saw in me.
I had held on to the words stay and roots like they meant I could finally choose where I belonged.
But standing here now, after everything he just said, I finally hear what I missed that night. He hadn’t asked me if I wanted to stay. There had been no question in his words. No, he had told me a willow stays. Told me he wanted to keep me rooted here. With him.
My hand falls from the bracelet. I can’t let this happen again. I can’t keep letting everyone else choose for me and pretend it’s for my own good. Whatever happens next, the choice has to be mine.
***
I let myself back into the kitchen, worn out and shivering, the too-big coat damp and heavy on my shoulders.
Grandmam and Grandda are sitting at the table talking, but both look up when I close the door behind me.
I pull off the coat and hang it on the hook, then leave the mud-caked boots on the mat.
As I straighten, Grandmam pushes back her chair and gets to her feet. “Alannah—”
I lift a hand before she can come any closer. “Please. Not yet. I need to say something first.” I look at Grandda. “To both of you.”
Grandmam hesitates, then sits back down.
I stay where I am, looking from one to the other.
I knew she would want to talk when I came back, but after what Finn said about a match, this wasn’t only about the letters anymore.
Grandda had made a choice for me too. I stayed away until I knew what I needed to say to both of them.
I know they believe they’ve been protecting me, but they can’t keep deciding what’s best for me without asking what I want. “A lot has come out today,” I say.
Grandmam cuts in, like she already knows what I’m about to say. “Alannah, I’ve already told you. I only kept those letters from you because I thought I was protecting you.”
“I know,” I say. “But that’s not the only thing I learned today.” Grandmam’s lips thin, but before she can speak, I turn to Grandda. “Finn told me about our match. He said my marriage to Ronin has been annulled, so the contract for us to marry can be signed now.”
Grandda’s eyes narrow. He isn’t used to having to explain his decisions. “There are decisions that need making, Alannah. It’s not like you to question my judgment.”
“I’m not trying to upset you, Grandda,” I say.
“But try to see it from my side. I didn’t even know there were annulment papers until I walked into that shed and saw you with a gun to Ronin’s head.
Then today I find out my annulment is done, and there’s already another marriage planned out for me.
” My eyes fill, but I keep looking at him.
“Why was I the last person to know about my own life?”
Some of the hardness leaves Grandda’s face, but he doesn’t answer.
I know he won’t like what I have to say next, but I say it anyway. “I’m going to tell Finn I don’t want the papers signed yet. I want us to keep going as we have been. He told me we were going slow, and that’s what I thought we were doing. I just can’t have this be like Boston.”
Grandda shoves his chair back and gets to his feet. “You’re going to tell him what?”
I hold my ground. “That I don’t want the papers signed yet.”
“That boy would treat you like gold,” he says, his voice rough with disbelief. “I’m trying to see you settled with a good man, and you’d put him off?”
“I’m not saying he wouldn’t,” I say. “But that isn’t the point. I can’t keep going along with whatever everyone else decides for me. Especially not this.”
I press my palm hard against my chest, my heart beating so fast it feels like it’s trying to tear its way out.
I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable; I just need him to understand.
“I’m scared, Grandda. My marriage just ended, and already you’re talking about marrying me off to someone else. How could that not scare me?”
Grandmam speaks then, her voice low and coaxing. “Pet, no one is trying to decide your life for you.”
I look at her. “No? Grandmam… you threw away letters that were mine to read. Grandda had my marriage to Ronin annulled without even asking if that was what I wanted. And now Finn’s talking like we’re getting married any day now.”
My throat tightens. “I love you both, and I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me.
But when Finn asked to court me, he agreed we would go slow.
This doesn’t feel slow.” I swallow, trying to keep my voice steady.
“I just need more time. I need to know that whatever happens next is something I chose, not something everyone else chose for me.”
No one says anything. Grandda is still standing, one hand braced on the back of his chair, his mouth set hard. Grandmam looks down at her hands, folded tightly on the table.
“I’m not asking you to like it,” I say. “I’m only asking you not to sign anything. Not yet.”
Still, no one says anything. I nod, even though I don’t know what their silence means. “I’m going to bed,” I say. “I’m sorry for upsetting you.” When neither of them answers, I turn and leave, my socked feet quiet on the stairs as I make my way up to my room.