29
She doesn’t need the money anymore.
Which means she doesn’t need me anymore.
The logical part of my brain knows that’s not what she said. Knows she specifically mentioned still coming to the wedding, still wanting to spend time with me. But the logical part of my brain has apparently been overruled by the part that’s been waiting for this exact moment since day one.
The part that’s been waiting for her to realize she’s too good for this arrangement.
Too good for me.
I set my phone down and stare at the ceiling of my bedroom, trying to figure out why this feels like getting sucker-punched.
This is good news. This is what I should want. Her being successful, independent, not needing anyone to take care of her, not needing money from me.
So why does it feel like she just fired me?
I channel everything into training.
Pre-season started, so I’m at the facility every day anyway, pushing myself harder than I have since my rookie year.
I skate until my lungs burn. Lift until my muscles shake. Run until I can’t think about anything except putting one foot in front of the other.
“Hey!” Hurley calls out across the locker room after an intense practice. “Sunshine isn’t shining anymore, is he?”
Colton glances at me and shrugs.
“What’s gotten into you?” Hurley asks. “Something going on with the Misses?”
I look over at him, and he laughs.
“Death-glaring doesn’t look good on you bro. Where is the West Carmack at right now? The guy I know can’t stop analyzing the shit out of everyone playing, and he does it with a smile, my man!”
Reed’s less subtle when he looks at me.
“You look like shit,” he says getting ready for the showers.
I nod. “Thanks, guys. You really know how to make a guy feel special.”
Reed says, “I’m serious. Are you having first day jitters? When’s the last time you slept?”
“I’ve been sleeping fine.”
Hurley cuts in, “Immediately defensive. What the hell’s going on, Carmack?”
Reed asks, “West, what’s going on? Is it Liv?”
Hurley pipes up, “Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened,” I mutter. “My focus is on hockey, and then I’ll see her in about a month at another wedding.”
Reed whistles. “I hate long-distance, man.” He points at Hurley and Colton. “I don’t recommend it.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “It sucks, but no, I’m just focused on this year and what means for the team. I’m trying to focus on my flaws and weaknesses, but don’t worry. I’ll be sure to let my anxiety call out all of yours.” I point at all the guys, and they laugh.
When I get home, I walk past her guest room without opening the door. And then I stop because I realize how ridiculous I’m being. This is my home. She’s not going to come here again, so why continue to avoid this room?
I reach for the knob and open it, feeling like I’m interrupting something. But the room is bare, completely empty. It doesn’t even smell like her in here. The bed is made. I walk in a circle, and then leave.
See?
I can be an adult.
I last exactly one week before I crack.
Seven days of not knowing where we stand, not knowing if she’s done with me, not knowing if I should text her or give her space or show up at her door with flowers and a speech about how I can’t stop thinking about her.
Seven days of training myself into the ground and pretending I’m fine when I’m clearly falling apart.
On day eight, I break down and call Tessa.
“Oh thank god,” she says by way of greeting. “I was wondering when you’d cave.”
“You’re serious?” I ask.
“West, you realize it’s six in the morning. On a Tuesday.”
“Shoot. Did I wake the kids?”
“No, trust me. They’ve been awake for hours. So, help me save my sanity. What’s going on? Talk to me.”
I huff. “Liv doesn’t need me anymore.”
She chuckles. “What do you mean, you big baby?”
“She got a job now, which you probably know about. A good job, apparently. So she doesn’t need the fake girlfriend money anymore, which means she doesn’t need me anymore, and I don’t know if she’s done with this whole thing or if she still wants to see me or what.”
“But there’s the wedding in Napa. I mean I’m literally going to be there.”
“Yeah. She said she’s still coming.”
“She better be.”
“You’re not hearing me, Tessa. She doesn’t want to get paid anymore, but she’s still coming.”
Tessa takes a pause. “Oh,” she says confused, and then, “Oh!”
“Yeah,” I shake my head. “So what the hell do I do?”
“Call her,” Tessa says like it’s that easy.
“What would I say?” I roll my eyes.
She says, “How about ‘hi, how are you, I miss you’?”
I scoff. “I can’t just say that.”
“You can. I can tell right now that you miss her. So why not just call her?” The phone starts shuffling as she huffs. “West, you know what you need?”
“Therapy?”
“A change of scenery. You should come visit.”
“Visit?” I say. “As in come to LA?”
“Come to LA. You can help me with the kids, get out of your own head, maybe run into a certain freelance writer who’s been helping me out a lot lately.”
“She’s still helping you out?”
“She watches Charlie and Emma three days a week while I work. She’s great with them. They love her.”
I scratch my head, wondering if I should or shouldn’t listen to my sister. Sometimes my sister is not up to any good, and honestly, it sounds like she’s not getting enough sleep lately.
“So what do you think, West? Want to come play uncle for a few days?”
I plop on my couch. All of the whirlwind of anxiety rushing through me suddenly ends. Because the idea hits me that I’ll get to see Liv in her natural environment. It will help a lot. I can figure out where we stand without the pressure of faking it or putting on a show.
“That’s actually not a terrible idea,” I confess.
Tessa says, “I know. I’m brilliant.”
“But would Liv be okay with me showing up out of nowhere?”
Tessa snickers, “Only one way to find out.”
“What if she’s not?” I ask.
“Then we’ll deal with it. But I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know my best friend. And I know my brother. And I’ve been watching this thing between you two develop for a lot longer than you think.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means get on a plane, West. Come see your sister. Hang out with your nieces properly. Figure out what you want your life to look like.”
That weekend, I’m standing on Tessa’s front porch in Glendale, holding a bag of toys I bought at the airport and trying not to overthink the fact that I just flew to another state on the off chance I might run into a woman who may or may not want to see me.
“Uncle!” Charlie shrieks when Tessa opens the door, launching herself at my legs like a tiny missile.
“Hey,” I say, scooping her up. “Look how big you are.”
Emma toddles over, curious about the commotion, and when she sees me, she grins and holds up her arms.
“Up! Up!”
I hand Charlie to Tessa and pick up Emma, who immediately grabs my nose.
“Uncle West has a big nose,” Tessa agrees with Emma who is now trying to put her fingers up my nostrils.
“Thanks, Em.” I snort. “Wow!”
Tessa just laughs her head off.
The rest of the day is exactly what I needed. I’m no longer on edge. Tessa and her husband David are easy to be around, the kids are hilarious and exhausting in the best way, and for the first time in weeks, I’m not thinking about hockey or training or whether I’m good enough for anything.
Charlie’s obsessed with mermaids and wants to show me every single one of her Barbie dolls. Emma’s going through a phase where she has to wear her tutu everywhere, including to bed. Like she will scream cry if they take it off.
This house is perfect. Chaotic and loud and messy and perfect.
And watching Tessa with them makes me realize how much I want this someday. The family dinners and bedtime stories and little hands reaching for me when they’re scared or excited or just want attention.
I want all of it.
Tessa casually mentions that Liv will be coming over to watch the kids while she runs errands.
“Just so you know,” she says, like it’s an afterthought. “In case you want to, I don’t know, be here. Or not be here. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“Are you setting me up?” I tease.
She shrugs, eyeing me in that sisterly way. “I’m giving you an opportunity.”
“Is it weird that I’m here and I didn’t reach out yet?”
Tessa nods and then shakes her head. “It’s okay. I needed to ease your nerves. She’ll understand.”
I’m in the living room building a princess tower out of Legos with Charlie when I hear the front door open.
“Tessa?” Liv’s voice calls out. “Sorry I’m late. Traffic was insane.”
“In here,” Tessa calls back. My eyes glare at my sister because she didn’t give me a minute to even prepare for this.
Tessa winks at me, and she did this on purpose.
I hear footsteps, and then Liv appears in the doorway, and my heart does something acrobatic in my chest.
She looks good. Really good. Relaxed and happy and like LA is treating her well.
But she also looks like she’s seen a ghost.
“West?” she says breathless, blinking at me like I might be a hallucination.
“Hi.” I grin, trying to calm down my racing heart. Liv is drop dead gorgeous.
She takes a step backward, then forward, then backward again.
“Are you really here?” she says, staring at me with wide eyes.
I nod. “I’m really here.”
Her head tilts a little. “In LA?”
“In LA.”
“At your sister’s house.”
I smile. “At my sister’s house.”
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “No. This is not happening. You cannot just show up in my city without warning.”
“It’s not your city. Tessa lives here. I’m from here.”
“It’s my city today.”
“Auntie Liv!” Charlie jumps up from the blocks and runs to her, wrapping his arms around her legs. “Look, Uncle West is here! He brought toys!”
“I see that, honey.”
Emma waddles over and demands to be picked up, which Liv does automatically, settling the toddler on her hip like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
“You two slept together, didn’t you?” Tessa says from the doorway, looking entirely too pleased with herself.