18. Sophie
“My mom loves you,” Xander says, smiling at the road ahead as he drives.
Warmth spreads through my chest. “You think so?”
“Absolutely.” He glances at me, still grinning. “She hugged you before she hugged me. Clear sign she adores you.”
I laugh. Meeting and spending time with Xander’s mom was so fun. While he fixed the sink in the hallway bathroom, she showed me baby pictures of him. We spent an hour chatting and laughing while she told me stories about him when he was little.
I think about the way Xander rolled his eyes and laughed when he walked into the dining room and saw the two of us with a stack of his baby photo albums.
“You were a ridiculously cute baby, by the way,” I say. “Chunkiest cheeks ever.”
He laughs. “Oh, I know. The cuteness was undeniable from the day I was born.”
I smile at him. He grew up into a ridiculously handsome man. I noticed he styled his dark brown hair today and shaved. He normally leaves his hair shaggy and there’s typically a thick sheet of dark stubble on his face. Both looks are equally hot, but I think it’s sweet how he got cleaned up for his mom.
“You look a lot like your dad,” I say softly, hoping it’s okay that I’ve said that.
In so many of the photos I saw, Xander’s dad was holding him or playing with him. He looked almost exactly like Xander.
His smile softens. He turns to me, a soft look in his hazel eyes. “A lot of people say that.”
“I’m so sorry you lost your dad when you were so young.”
He flashes a sad smile as he focuses on the road. “Me too. When he got sick, he made me promise to never smoke cigarettes and to take care of my mom.”
“Yeah, your mom told me that.”
“That’s the kind of dad and husband he was. Always concerned about me and my mom before himself.”
“Sounds like he was the best dad.”
“He was.”
He lets out a heavy sigh as he pulls into the Belcaro neighborhood where I live with my dad.
“You’re doing an amazing job of fulfilling your promise to him. You know that, right?”
Xander doesn’t look at me as he nods and continues driving.
“You’re taking such good care of your mom. She adores everything you do for her.”
He’s quiet for a long moment.
“After my dad died, money was tight,” he finally says. “My mom worked extra jobs to pay the bills and to pay for all my hockey stuff. I told her I’d quit to help her save money, but she wouldn’t let me. She could tell how much I loved it. When I was in high school, she had an overnight job at a warehouse and got hit by a truck driver who wasn’t paying attention. That’s why she has to use a cane now.”
His eyes go glassy for the briefest second. He blinks a few times.
“Sometimes I think that if I never played hockey…” He trails off. “It’s my fault that she’s disabled.”
Pain jolts through me at hearing Xander blame himself. When he eases to a stop at a stop sign, I put the car in park and grab his hand. He turns to look at me.
“Xander, don’t say that.”
Pain flashes in his hazel eyes. “It’s true though.”
“It’s not. Not even close.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.
“The only one at fault is the driver who hit your mom. Not you. It was never you.”
For a long moment, he stares at me. I watch as the look in his gaze shifts to something I don’t recognize.
With my other hand, I cup his cheek. “It’s not your fault.” My voice shakes with the emotion coursing through me.
I think about Xander as a kid, carrying around the weight of the guilt he put on himself. He’s carried it with him ever since then, every day, for years.
I understand why he feels that way. Because I felt the same guilt too after I lost my mom.
“When my mom died, I blamed myself too.”
At first, he looks surprised. But then he blinks and he almost looks relieved. “You did?”
I nod. “She was driving home from the grocery store when it was snowing pretty bad and got hit by another car that lost control.”
His brow furrows like he’s in pain. “Shit, Sophie. I’m sorry.”
“I blamed myself for a long time. She was so busy taking me to classes and tutors that she hadn’t been able to go to the store for a while. And when she finally did, she got into an accident and died. I thought that if she hadn’t been so busy with me, she wouldn’t have had to drive to the store during a snowstorm and she wouldn’t have gotten into that crash and she would still be here…”
My voice wobbles as I trail off. Tears burn in my eyes. I blink quickly. Xander reaches over and cups my face in his hand.
I close my eyes, relishing the warmth and comfort. I look at him. “I was in therapy for a while after she died. It didn’t really help me until my therapist asked me a question. She asked me what my mom would say if she knew that I was blaming myself for her death. She asked me if I thought my mom would blame me too.”
Xander brow lifts in surprise.
“And it was like a switch flipped in my head. I knew that my mom would never, ever blame me for what happened. And she’d be so upset that I was spending all this time feeling guilty for something that was out of my control. And that was my breakthrough. It wasn’t my fault that she died. I could feel sad and I could miss her, but I shouldn’t feel guilty. She wouldn’t want me to.”
Xander is quiet for a long moment. He stares ahead, nodding at what I’ve said.
“Your mom doesn’t blame you for what happened to her. Your dad wouldn’t blame you either.”
He turns to look at me, the look in his eyes focused and tender all at once.
“It’s not your fault, okay?”
He blinks and that look in his eyes softens. My heart skids in my chest because I think…I think he believes me.
He nods. “Thank you.”
“You’re an incredible son,” I say to him. “You take such amazing care of your mom. I’ve never seen anyone take care of their parent as well as you do. And she adores you.”
“I owe her everything.”
“Your dad would be so, so proud of you.”
He looks at me like he’s surprised I said that. “You really think that?”
My chest aches. Does he really not believe that he’s a good son?
I take his hand from my face and pull him closer to me. “There’s not a doubt in my mind, Xander. You’re the best kid a parent could ask for. Please believe it, okay?”
He starts to nod, that look in his eyes softening. “Thank you. I really needed to hear that.”
For a moment, we’re quiet as we stare at each other. I stroke my thumb along the thick stubble of his cheek. He closes his eyes for a moment, like he’s savoring my touch. When he opens his eyes, there’s a rawness as he gazes at me.
My skin tingles. The air between us feels different, more intense. I feel closer to Xander after talking about something so vulnerable.
Just then someone honks behind us, breaking the tension. We break apart. Xander waves “sorry” at the person behind us and pulls ahead.
A quiet minute passes while Xander drives. It feels like we’re both silently processing the emotions of our conversation, letting it all disperse and fade into the background.
“Telling my mom about our relationship went a lot better than when we told your dad,” Xander says after a while.
His voice is lighter now, so I can tell he’s joking, but I feel a sting of guilt anyway at how awful my dad has been to him.
“I’m sorry, Xander. Your mom was so warm and welcoming to me, and my dad was a jerk to you.”
He chuckles softly. “I told you, Sophie. I get it. You’re his only daughter.”
“So? You’re your mom’s only child too.”
He smiles at me. “It’s a little different. You’re a daughter. I’m a son.”
“That’s totally unfair. And pretty sexist too.”
“Yeah, but it’s also the reality. Dads are different about their daughters, especially when they get together with someone like me.”
Xander’s expression is easy, but I can tell by the soft look in his eyes that the way my dad reacted to us being together hurts his feelings.
And then I wonder if there’s a part of Xander that wishes he had my dad’s approval. My chest aches. And maybe he wants that because he doesn’t have his dad anymore and he sees his coach as the closest thing he has to a dad right now…
“If my dad saw you with your mom today, his opinion of you would change. I promise it would,” I tell him, hoping he believes me.
“Maybe. But he’s only seen me as his manwhore star player. I can’t blame him for not liking me.”
I flinch at how harshly he’s spoken about himself.
He pulls onto my dad’s street and drives past a dozen massive houses. Belcaro is one of the nicest neighborhoods in Denver. There are loads of sprawling mansions that belong to wealthy people and celebrities.
Xander turns left into a long, winding driveway and veers to the right. The main driveway leads to my dad’s house, but the right one goes to a small guest house on the property. As a successful NHL coach and former hockey pro, my dad has always had plenty of money. He bought this place when I was a little kid. The main house is pretty big with five bedrooms and bathrooms, but it’s not a mansion. As successful as my dad is, he would never want to live in a massive place by himself.
Xander pulls in front of the driveway of the small one-bedroom guest house where I live. I think about bringing up my dad again to see if I can get Xander to talk more about his feelings, but I stop myself. We’ve already had one emotional conversation about our parents; I shouldn’t push him for more. If he doesn’t want to share that with me, I don’t have the right to press him.
I turn to Xander. “I had a really nice time today with you and your mom.”
He smiles at me. “I did too. Thanks for coming with me.”
Just then his phone buzzes with a text. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at it.
He rubs the back of his neck. “Theo, Blomdahl, and McKesson invited us to join them for drinks at a bar just now.”
My anxiety instantly spikes. I like all of them, but getting together for drinks would mean more drinking games and conversations about sex and dating…which would mean that I would come off looking like a freak, just like I did the last time I hung out with them, because I’m not normal and never have been…
“Oh, um…”
“We don’t need to go, Sophie,” Xander says, seeming to pick up on my discomfort.
“I mean, you should go, if you want.” I try to make my tone sound light and casual, but instead, I sound squeaky and strained.
Xander furrows his brow as he looks at me, like he can tell how uncomfortable I am.
I think back to the first night we hung out with his teammates and how I ran off to the bathrooms because I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even play a simple drinking game with them. I think about how Xander ran after me to check on me and make sure that I was okay.
He was so sweet and caring in that moment. He didn’t push me when I said I was fine, even though it was clear I wasn’t and I just didn’t want to talk about how I was feeling. He was wonderful, and I lied to him.
He didn’t deserve that. Just like he doesn’t deserve for me to lie to him now either. Especially not after he let me meet his mom and opened up to me about his dad. And he was vulnerable with me when he admitted he feels guilty about his mom’s injury and when he admitted that he was insecure about the kind of son he is.
That ache in my chest deepens. He showed me those intimate parts of himself while I’m still hiding a part of myself from him. I can’t lie to him. I owe him that same openness and honesty.
I take a breath. “I really like hanging out with you and the guys from the team. It’s just that I feel like kind of a freak around everyone sometimes.”
Xander’s eyebrows crash together. “What do you mean? You’re not a freak, Sophie. Not even close. No one thinks that about you.”
“I am though.” My nerves fire off inside of me. “When we were playing Never Have I Ever, remember how I didn’t take a single drink?”
“Well yeah, but?—”
“I’m not as experienced as you guys are. Sexually, I mean.”
He blinks at me, like he’s shocked at what I’ve said. I can feel my cheeks heating. God, this is mortifying to admit.
Xander clears his throat. “Sophie, that’s…fine.”
I press my eyes shut and cover my face with my hand. “This is so embarrassing.”
“Hey.” Xander gently grabs my wrist and pulls my hand away from my face. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about it.”
I let out a sad, weak laugh. “Easy for you to say. You’ve never been the one person not drinking during a sex-themed drinking game.”
I look down and fumble with the sleeves of my coat. “I know how that comes off. Like I’m a prude who’s never done anything fun. Because honestly, that’s the truth. When you and everyone else were having your first kiss and first hookup and first body shot, I was studying in a library or taking college classes or working in a lab, or applying to medical school. And yeah, I know that’s impressive, but it also means I’m behind when it comes to things like sex and dating. And I hate it.”
When I hazard a glance at Xander, I brace myself for a look of raw pity. But when I see that he’s frowning, I’m thrown off.
“What about Ethan?” he asks.
I clear my throat. “He was my first and only…everything.”
Xander tilts his head forward slightly. “Everything?”
I nod.
“Like…first kiss? And first date? And first time having sex?”
“Yes.”
Xander’s quiet for a moment. “Okay.”
He still looks confused. I work up the nerve to explain more. “We met in medical school when I was nineteen. I had a crush on him. He was almost ten years older than me and seemed so wise. He gave me all this attention and was really sweet. I’d never had a guy pay attention to me like that before. We started studying together, one thing led to another and…”
I notice Xander clenches his jaw. His frown deepens. I pause. Is he…jealous at hearing about Ethan and me together?
I push that thought aside. I’m probably reading into it too much.
“We were together for a couple of years. I would ask him about meeting my friends and meeting his friends and family too, but he always made excuses about being busy and stressed out from our medical school coursework,” I say. “I just figured that because I was young and had no experience, he knew better than me. I wrote it off as me being needy. But after a while, I got tired of him pushing aside my feelings and I finally asked him why he would be so dismissive of his girlfriend’s needs…”
My stomach churns as the memory resurfaces.
I swallow hard before I continue. “And he just looked at me with this confused expression. I’ll never forget it. He stared at me like I was an alien or something. And then he said, ‘This was fun, but we were never serious, Sophie. I thought you knew that. I could never get serious with a girl like you. You’re too young, too inexperienced.’”
I let out a sad, pathetic-sounding laugh. “That whole time I thought he was my boyfriend. But I was just a convenient hookup for him.”
I stop myself before my voice breaks. I shake my head, looking out the car window so Xander won’t see the pain that I’m certain is crystal clear in my eyes. It’s been years, but the way Ethan treated me still hurts when I think about it.
“Sophie.”
I take a breath and turn to look at Xander, who looks pissed right now.
He looks me in the eye. “Ethan was an asshole. You know that, right?”
I’m quiet as I process the hardness in Xander’s tone. I nod.
“He was a piece of shit for leading you on like that for so long.” His jaw bulges as he bites down hard.
“I know that now,” I say softly. “At the time I didn’t realize it though. I guess I just didn’t know any better. I was young and inexperienced.” I let out another sad, weak laugh as my gaze falls to my lap. “I guess that worked to his advantage though. He wasn’t that great in bed, but I was too shy to say anything about it.”
When I look at Xander, he’s frowning, like he can’t believe what I just said. I instantly regret it. That was a really mean thing for me to say.
“Sorry, I…I guess I’m just still really hurt from the way things ended with Ethan. I shouldn’t have made that comment about him in bed. That wasn’t cool.” I clear my throat.
A long silence passes between the two of us before Xander finally speaks.
“What do you mean he wasn’t that great in bed?”