Chapter Twenty-Two
CASIMIR
Julian glances back at me like he thinks I might change my mind, so I just give him a weird wave, which… why the fuck am I waving him off into the shower?
But better yet, why does he even want to take a shower with me? This is all fake. All of it’s fake. He needs to understand that. He needs to figure out that someone like him doesn’t fit with someone like me. He’s just a wolf who was a convenience. He was helpful and…
I sink down on the floor and tuck my head into my hands as the overwhelming weight of it crashes down on me. The realization of what I’ve done… what I keep doing.
It’s so fucking easy for me to fall back into killing.
It’s the easiest thing to do. It’s the thing I’m best at doing—the only thing I’m actually good at.
It’s why people flock to me, because they’re afraid of me.
Because they know what I can do, not because they like me or trust me. Or even care about me.
Julian isn’t afraid of me because he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t understand what I could do to him. He doesn’t understand how useless I am. How?—
I hear footsteps and look up as Julian walks over to me, a towel around his waist. He kneels down, pulling my hands from my face to replace them with his own.
What the fuck am I doing? Am I seriously allowing myself to relax around him so much that I remained in this stupid position when he came out?
I jerk away from his hands and try to pretend I don’t notice the look of hurt on his face. “You done with the shower?” I ask, finding myself almost… embarrassed about acting like this. We aren’t allowed to show emotions or feelings. I was trained not to care.
But I stand and try to back away from him so I don’t show him my back, so I don’t have to listen to the questions. So I don’t have to fucking remember .
As if I could forget.
“No,” Julian says.
I look over at him. “What?” My voice comes out a bit sharper than I meant it to. “Julian, I’m tired. I’m going to take a shower. I don’t have time for this.”
He reaches for me, but I pull back and go into the bathroom, slamming the door shut to block him out and assure him that I don’t want him following me.
Quickly, I get in the shower and close the glass door. The hot water beats down on me as I realize how much better this is. Just block it all out and push it back like I have for years . This is all I need. I don’t need whatever Julian is trying to give me.
I scrub at the blood until the water runs clear, but I can’t get out.
I can’t face whatever is outside this room.
That’s when I hear Julian enter the bathroom, and I decide that I will just ignore him.
Is he planning on climbing into the shower with me?
I suppose I could switch it around to just having sex or something.
That’s when I hear a thump, thump, thump and do my absolute best to try to ignore it.
Does he want me to look out and see what’s going on?
But the thumping doesn’t stop. No, it keeps on, distracting me from these stupid thoughts.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I ask as I yank open the door and look down at the wolf wagging his tail. Every time he does, it thumps against the door.
“What the fuck is this?” I ask.
He just tips his head back, blue eyes catching mine as he looks at me upside down.
Gustov, who I realize hasn’t seen Julian in his wolf form, is staring at him in wonder.
He starts assaulting him with sniffs by shoving his nose into Julian’s fur while trying to figure out why this creature smells just like Julian.
“What are you doing?” I repeat.
He doesn’t answer me; instead, he just keeps wagging his tail as I watch Gustov play bow to him. It’s really fucking cute. It’s almost cute enough to make me forget about everything.
Julian jumps at Gustov and Gustov bolts, body hunkered down as he races out of the bathroom, sending rugs flying. When he realizes Julian isn’t chasing him, he rushes back in and practically body slams into him. Julian has to steady himself to keep from falling.
I grab my towel and wrap it around myself as Julian jumps at Gustov again. Gustov shoots off, racing through the house as fast as his legs can carry him.
“What are you doing?”
“ Just being a dog ,” he says as he leans against my leg while I dry off… like he’s trying to comfort me. Like he knows that I would refuse to let him comfort me as a human. His tail wags as he looks up at me, and I reach down before drawing my hand back.
“I don’t need another dog,” I grumble as I step away to get my clothes. I grab my shirt and underwear and pull them on before leaving the room.
Julian rushes after me, and the moment I stop to pick up my phone, he flops against my leg again, tail whapping the floor.
Reaching down, I sink my fingers into his fur before pulling his head off my leg. “I don’t need you.”
“ You need me .”
“I don’t.”
He nearly trips me as I try to escape him.
“Goddammit, Julian, I don’t need this.”
“ You don’t need it, or you don’t think you deserve it, because everyone needs some love from a dog ,” he growls as he slams himself against my legs. “ Now pet me .”
I growl back at him, irritated that he thinks this could fix anything. And when he refuses to let me walk, I reach down to pick him up to physically move him. He tucks his head against my chest, which is irritatingly effective.
“I’m not hugging you, I’m removing you.”
He wags his tail as he leans into me, ignoring everything I’ve just said.
“Fuuuucking hell,” I say as I slump down on the bed, still holding him. Gustov jumps up and flops down next to me, so now I’m getting crushed by two canines.
Julian’s tail keeps wagging as he snuggles up against me while I hold him. He doesn’t ask me anything, he doesn’t say anything, but just being able to keep him close, to hold him tightly seems to wash away so many thoughts that were plaguing me.
“You’re such a pest,” I mutter.
His tail thumps harder. Clearly, he’s thrilled at what I’ve said.
“I’m going to bed,” I decide.
It’s not even light out, the sun won’t rise for hours, but I’m done with this day. I let go of him and lie down. Of course he’s not pleased with that as he roots under the covers and flops down against me.
“I’m not hugging you.”
Julian thrusts himself back so hard that he socks me in the stomach. I have no room left on the bed if I refuse to be pressed against him, but he seems pleased.
“I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but it’s not cute.”
His tail wags again as I grab him, planning on chucking him off the bed, but I end up burying my face in his fur.
Gustov lies on top of us, still fascinated by Julian.
It doesn’t take long for Julian to fall asleep, but I’m left lying here, holding on to him.
I know I should get up and clean up my swords, put them away, do some other shit.
But I can’t bring myself to get up or move.
I can’t get myself to peel my body away from him. Instead, I press my face against his thick black fur, my hand on his heart as I listen to the steady beat of it. There’s no reason this should make me feel so at ease, but nothing could feel better.
When I wake, I’m being nearly shoved off the bed by a very naked Julian. Gustov is using Julian’s head as a pillow, but Julian doesn’t seem to either notice or care.
I decide I’ll slowly sneak out of the bed, so I push the sheets back and hesitate.
Reaching forward, I push off the sheets covering Julian, revealing the dark bruises that run down his back.
It must have been from the vampire throwing him into those lockers.
And instead of getting him something for pain or helping him, I proceeded to mope around.
Hell, to the point where he even had to shift—which must have hurt—to try to comfort me.
Clearly, I wasn’t meant to take care of someone. I should call his mother, or hell, even his father would take better care of him.
Julian rolls over and smiles at me. “Good morning… is it morning? My sleep schedule is messed up because of you.”
“I’m going to call your mom… or someone.”
His eyebrows scrunch up. “What? Why?”
“Because you’re hurt.”
“Uh… what? No, I’m fine. Yeah, I’m a bit achy but I’m fine. And what will my mother do about it? You think she just waves some magic dust over me and all my ouchies go away?”
“She’d take care of you, unlike me who did nothing.”
Julian raises an eyebrow. “Casimir?”
“What? Would you like your father instead?”
His face scrunches up in disgust. “Fuck, no.”
“I bet Genevieve would take care of you.”
Julian’s expression tells me he likes that plan even less, and I don’t understand why. “Does it look like I want Genevieve? What goes on in your head?” he asks as he grabs Gustov and hugs him.
“I… literally didn’t do shit to help you.”
“Ohhhhh, fuck… you’re right! You didn’t do shit.
Casimir, I’m just disgusted that after I was attacked and set free to rampage and eat teenagers, you ran after me, sat with me all night, raced your way across the city, hunted down the people who did it, and made them regret their choices.
I mean… wow, I really just think you need to step up your game.
Huh, Gus? There has to be someone who can do more !
I really am embarrassed how little you’ve stepped up recently.
Like it’s so bad, I’d almost call you… lazy. ”
I stare at him as I try not to allow any of this to make sense. “That’s… not…”
“That’s not enough? I know . Huh, Gustov? He should have done more. Like when he chased after me into the woods to save me, he should have stopped and brought me a cheeseburger or something too. And last night, I really feel like you could have outrun that police officer. I’m disappointed in you.”
I continue staring at him as I try to think of something wrong with this. “Then I got home and didn’t care for you at all.”
“Whoever said I needed someone to care for me?” he asks. “Do I look like someone who needs to be pampered?”
“Yes,” I grumble.