30. Isla
Chapter 30
Isla
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Ask me later, or maybe don’t ever ask me. All I know is—I want to know this one thing about my best friend.
Right here. Right now. In his hoodie.
I didn’t spill the coffee on purpose, I swear. But I’m also not exactly complaining. It smells like him. Warm, clean, a little cedarwood, and a lot of comfort.
His hands clench into fists and release against my back, over and over again.
“I’ve always wondered what kind of kisser you are . . .” I wet my lips.
His body goes rigid, every muscle locking tight like coiled steel. But he hasn’t moved one inch.
“Depends on whether she’s a real or fake girlfriend.”
“What’s the difference?”
Asher’s hand slowly slides up to cradle the back of my head. His fingers stroke through my hair.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
My scalp tingles, and every cell feels like it’s buzzing with electricity, like those science fair volcanoes but with butterflies instead of baking soda.
“ Pick one .”
I should run. Laugh it off, make a joke, pretend I was just messing around.
“Real one.” I hold my breath.
His fingers still, and he starts pulling me in. Closer, closer, until there’s barely a breath between our lips.
“How would you . . .” His blue eyes darken. “Like me to explain?”
I can feel the heat radiating from his eyes, from his body. We’re both breathing hard, but neither of us is moving. This is the last chance to back away and preserve our simple friendship.
“You can show—”
I don’t get to finish my sentence because he presses his lips onto mine.
My eyes are wide open, shock jolting through me, a rush of warmth and something overwhelming spreading through my chest like ripples in water.
Asher is kissing me.
His lips are soft and firm at the same time, moving with an extreme slowness that unravels me inch by inch. His lips catch mine gently, just enough to make my breath stutter. Then, he releases it only to take it again, even slower and softer.
He’s patient. Not rushed or demanding. Like how I had imagined Asher’s kiss will be. Gentle.
He tastes like mint and something purely Asher. He moves like he knows my lips. Like a song I’ve never heard, yet somehow know every word to. Like we’ve done this a thousand times before.
My whole life flashes before me. From the first time I met him outside our new house, to the first time I realized my heartbeat was too fast around him, to all those endless nights I practiced disciplining my feelings away. And until our lips are against each other, I don’t realize I’ve been waiting for this.
“Close your eyes. Peachie.” He mumbles against my lips. His lashes are half-lowered, lips brushing mine in the barest, teasing strokes.
I close my eyes and cup the back of his head. My fingers tangle in his hair, and I tilt my head to match him. He groans, a low, hungry sound vibrates against my mouth. His tongue traces the seam of my lips before slipping inside to stroke against mine. The pressure of his mouth intensifies, turning from gentle to scorching in seconds, and I swear my heart’s trying to escape my chest and leap directly into his.
Asher stands up from the chair without breaking the kiss, his strong hands circling my waist and lifting me as if I weigh nothing. He shuffles the computer away with one hand and sets me on his desk, the solid wood cool against the backs of my thighs. His fingers dig into my hips, possessive and urgent, as he tightens his arms around me, pulling me to the edge of the desk until there’s no space between us.
“Do you always kiss like . . . like you’re trying to ruin someone for all other kisses?”
“No.” His lips hover over mine for a heartbeat, just long enough to make me ache for more. The next second, his mouth crashes back onto mine, stealing what little air I have left.
We’re both frantic like we’re trying to make up for all the kisses we should have shared before now. Or trying to memorize each moment like this might be our last kiss. I can’t think straight, can’t remember why I’ve been running from this for so long.
But I’m sure this is my first, last, and only perfect kiss because Asher Collymore just rewrote the definition of perfection with his lips.
He pulls back just enough, voice rough and husky.
“Been waiting years to do that.”
I blink, still dazed. “I never imagined you’d kiss like . . . that.”
Asher rests his forehead against mine. His dark gaze flickers over my face.
“I’d kiss you all the ways you want. I’d be anything for you.”
My heart is still racing, lips tingling from his touch. I feel light-headed, like I’ve spun around too many times on the gym’s rowing machine.
“Is this how you’d talk to a real girlfriend?”
“No. I only talk to you like this.” His fingers trace slow, deliberate circles against my lower back. “And I want you to be my real girlfriend.”
Asher cups my face, tilting my chin just enough to make sure I’m looking right at him.
“It’s always been you. From the beginning. And none of this has ever been fake for me.”
His words hit me like a bucket of ice water.
What did I just do? Kiss my best friend? Ruin our twenty-year friendship? Create the world’s most awkward neighbor situation ever?
I push against his chest and fling myself off the desk. My legs feel like overcooked spaghetti, wobbly and unreliable. The loss of his touch and his warmth feels like losing my air supply, but I refuse to let my body betray me.
“This was a mistake. My brain wasn’t thinking straight when I suggested this. Which happens a lot lately, but—” I wave between us frantically. “But us kissing is a completely ridiculous, very bad idea. And I promise—no, I swear—it won’t happen again.”
“It wasn’t a mistake for me.” His eyes darken. “And I know you feel it too, Isla. The way it’s burning between us.”
I do.
That’s the problem.
“Yes. I do, which is exactly why we can’t do this.” I take another step back, shaking my head. “If we ever want our friendship to last forever.”
His jaw tightens. “I don’t just want our friendship. I want—”
“Stop!” I launch my hand over his mouth, silencing him before he can say something so earth-shattering that my already-overheated brain completely short-circuits. Those impossibly perfect lips that were just doing impossible things to me are now warm against my palm.
“Please stop, Asher. Don’t say it. Please.” My voice has gone from frantic to pleading.
His hand curls around my wrist, slowly pulling my hand away, but he doesn’t let go.
“I’ve been falling for you since we were kids. And I haven’t stopped. I can’t stop.”
My breath catches in my throat as his words hit me like a tidal wave.
Everything I’ve ever wanted is right here, standing in front of me, saying all the things I never let myself dream about. My heart feels like it might burst, crack open, and shatter under the weight of it.
But that’s exactly why this can’t happen.
Because this isn’t just another relationship I could survive losing—this is Asher. My rock, my safe place, the most precious relationship I’ve ever had.
I can keep loving him in the form of friendship, even if it kills me. But if we risk that friendship and fail? If I lose him? That would break me beyond repair.
The people who deserve you won’t run. They’ll stay. I’ll stay.
I could try just once more.
Maybe he would be the one who stays.
Maybe, somehow, I could be someone worth loving after all.
Haven’t you learned yet? How many times have you let yourself hope? How many times has it ended the same way?
An invisible hand squeezes my heart, tight and breath-stealing. The ache pulls up all the old wounds I tried so hard to cover and forget.
I don’t know how much of my heart would be left if it all fell apart again.
I don’t ever want to hear goodbye from Asher.
I yank my hand back hard, but he doesn’t let go. We stand in an awkward tableau, tangled in a silence that feels too loud.
“Don’t you understand?” I burst out, my voice sharp. “I can’t even be loved by my own blood-related father. How can anyone else love me?”
“I’m not your father,” Asher fires back, his grip on me tightening. “Or any other guy who was too stupid to see what they had.”
“No, you’re worse!”
I push against him with my free hand, but it’s like trying to move a mountain.
“You’re everything.” My voice rises. “Do you know what it’s like? Watching everyone leave, one by one? Having to smile through it, pretend it doesn’t break something inside you every single time?”
He pulls my hand to his chest, pressing it flat against him, right over the frantic, hammering thud of his heart.
“Can you feel it?” His voice is low, rough at the edges, vibrating right against my palm. “The way it’s in pain when you’re hurting?”
I look up, but before I can find his eyes, he hauls me closer, wrapping both arms around me.
“Do you know how your tears still haunt me?” His voice softens. “Do you know how it kills me when you’re hurting? Do you know how badly I want to protect you from all of it—to tell you that I will never do that to you?”
My fingers curl into his shirt, gripping tight.
“You don’t know that.” The words come out barely above a whisper. “You think you do, but what happens when the shine wears off? When, one day, you wake up and realize you want something else? It will be so much worse because it’s you .”
I shove at his chest, fighting the pull of his warmth, the way it wraps around me too easily. But he doesn’t move.
“It won’t be your fault, Asher. It’ll be mine.” My voice breaks. “The best way to protect us is to go back to what we were. Never do what we just did again. And eventually, time will wash these feelings away. They’ll pass. Please.”
“It won’t.”
His arm cinches tighter around my waist. The rough heat of his breath skims my hair, uneven and strained.
“It’s been fifteen years, Isla. Fifteen years of feelings. It doesn’t pass. It will not pass.”
“It will pass, Asher. I don’t ever get forever. ”
Agonizing pain floods his turquoise eyes, darkening the bright color until it looks deeper, heavier, too full to hold. My heart squeezes at the look.
His hand stays on me a moment longer. Then, slowly, his fingers release.
I stumble back. His hands clench at his side. The burn inside me scorches through my veins, like I’ve swallowed hot chocolate way too fast. Our eyes meet for a second that stretches until it feels eternal.
A tear slips free. I rip my gaze away and storm out of the office.
I hear no footsteps behind me.
And I don’t dare turn around.