16. Donny
16
Donny
I step into Walker’s cabin, my heart racing. The Christmas tree is surrounded by a mountain of gifts, but all I can focus on is Carmen. She’s by the window, laughing with , the snow outside making her eyes sparkle. God, she’s beautiful. And after what happened between us, I can’t stop thinking about her.
The bright sunlight outside the window only intensifies the color of her eyes, and when she glances at me, I know that I could get lost in them forever.
Layla flashes me a smile as I sink onto the couch next to her. “Don’t worry,” she whispers, “I won’t tell anyone how you’re looking at my sister.”
I arch a brow, taking a sip of my eggnog — although mine isn’t spiked. “And what exactly is that?”
She looks from me to her older sister and sighs. “You’re looking at her as though you’re seeing her for the first time, not like a man who recently proposed to her.”
I’m more than ready to debunk her thoughts, but she puts a hand in the air to stop me and leans into me. “Your secret is safe with me. It’s obvious that you like her anyway, and I’d hate to ruin that.”
How is it possible that Layla is able to see through our facade, but everyone else smiles happily at us throughout the day as if they don’t have a clue?
“I appreciate that,” I mutter.
Layla shrugs. “I can’t blame her for doing it, especially with how much shit everyone gives her every year when she comes here alone. I’m just glad it was you who came with her and not some douchebag.”
When I turn my attention back to Carmen and Declan, she’s reaching out to give his shoulder a squeeze with an encouraging nod while he takes a few deep breaths. I remember her saying that she fully expected Declan to propose to his girlfriend on the trip, and as he makes his way into the center of the room with his shoulders tense, I wonder if that’s what is happening.
The woman who I’ve come to know as Ronnie is sitting in one of the plush chairs by the fireplace, holding a glass of wine as she smiles at something Jessa says, but her attention moves to Declan as he comes to a stop in the middle of the room. He glances at Ronnie, a nervous smile forming on his face, and he ushers her up there with him.
She smiles brightly, darting her gaze around at everyone to figure out what’s going on, and Carmen gives Declan a quick thumbs up from the window that Ronnie doesn’t take notice of. Declan clears his throat, then drops to one knee in the middle of the room with a smile aimed at the woman he loves. While he goes on and on about how much he loves her, and how lucky he is that she’s come into his life, I put all of my focus on Carmen.
This is what I should’ve done for her, rather than slipping a ring on her finger and calling it a day. Even if it’s supposed to be fake, It’s irrational to think that way, I know this, but I can’t help the irritation that bubbles because Carmen deserves more than whatever I’m giving her.
I’m pulled away from my thoughts when the room claps excitedly, everyone rising from their places on the chairs to throw their arms around Ronnie in congratulations. Carmen expresses her feelings happily, and I walk up to Declan and pat him on the back like a brother-in-law would do.
Arabella walks up to the group and blinks at everyone, then glances at the tree with shining eyes. “Can we open presents now, daddy?”
Everyone, including me, chuckles and Walker ruffles her hair with a chuckle. “Sure thing, Boogs.”
Declan still gets whispers of congratulations as we head toward the Christmas tree, and he looks sheepishly toward the ground, like he’s embarrassed by the attention. It’s weird, considering the personality I’ve come to know, but I don’t bother trying to decipher his nervousness with it all. I’m more worried about what Carmen will think when I give her a gift, even though neither of us talked about getting each other anything before we came.
I felt it would be weird if we didn’t have something for each other, though, so I made a request to one of the most trusted places and had it put in as a priority. It was ready to take on the trip with us and I’ve been waiting since we got here a few days ago to give it to her.
The kids tear into their presents first, their squeals and gasps of delight sending a pang through my chest. I wonder what it would be like to experience this myself, to have my children cluttered around a Christmas tree as they get everything they could ever want.
For some reason that’s still unknown to me, I look over at Carmen and an image pops into my head of her sitting on the floor with the kids, smiling as she helps them open everything.
“Carmen,” Declan says, a smile on his face as he hands her a rectangular box. “This one is for you.”
My fiancée — fake fiancée — stares at the package with her eyebrows scrunched, but all it takes is one simple look before her eyes dart to mine in surprise. My cheeks heat and I shrug. “Tradition, right?”
She chews on the inside of her cheek, different emotions swirling through her eyes, and her mother nudges her with a smile. “If you don’t open it, I will.”
Carmen smiles and carefully unwraps the gift, like if she goes any harder with it, the present inside will be ruined. The gift I got her is tucked inside a red velvet box, with green trimming on the side as a symbol for the holiday, and she takes a deep breath before opening it. She’s silent for a moment, staring at the gift with unblinking eyes, then she looks up at me.
Her eyes are shining, looking as though she’s going to cry any second now, and I frown at the sight. Did I get it wrong? Is it a bad gift?
“Oh,” her mom sighs happily with a hand over her mouth, “that’s beautiful.”
“Well, let us see it,” Marissa quips from across the room, and I suddenly realize that everyone has been watching Carmen open it with fascination.
Carmen rolls her eyes, though a smile tips at the corner of her lips. As she pulls out the bracelet, my heart races. Each charm tells a story - our story . The musical note, a reminder of our shared passion. The mistletoe, that first unexpected kiss. The ice skates, our awkward but endearing attempt at a winter date. And the drums, a symbol of our common instrument. I commissioned it for her to be personal, and it feels suddenly, intensely real.
To anyone else it’s something simple, but she and I both know what each charm means. I didn’t want to go overboard with the instruments once she told me how many she could play, so I went the safe route with the musical note. As for the rest, they are all a reminder of the times we’ve spent together and how we met.
If I wasn’t a drummer for Raising Havoc, I’m not sure anything would’ve ended up like it has now.
Marissa rushes over to Carmen’s side, eyeing each of the charms with a smile, and I watch as Carmen looks back up at me with a single tear trailing down her cheek. Our eyes lock, and suddenly I’m back in that moment when we first kissed. I cock my head to the side, eyebrow raised in silent question, and she shakes her head with a small wink before giving Marissa her attention.
She’s likes it.
Once everyone opens their gifts, we all join each other in the dining room and enjoy a feast made by everyone in the room. There’s a tradition that everyone in attendance has to make at least one dish for the dinner, and now it looks as though we are feeding an army.
Listening to Carmen’s family joke around and smile at each other, I wish that it could be like this every year for me. I’d love nothing more than to follow Carmen along on these trips, wrapped in the warmth of her family.
The thought of this ending sends a sharp pang through my chest. I'm not ready to let her go.
After watching Declan propose to Ronnie, I felt a moment of regret. Our fake engagement suddenly seemed hollow in comparison. I found myself imagining getting down on one knee for Carmen, for real this time.
The image of her is so vivid. When did this relationship start feeling so genuine?
And more importantly, how do I turn this into something real without scaring Carmen away?
***
Since we got back from the Christmas trip, Carmen's been avoiding me like the plague. She hasn't said a word about the bracelet, and I can't help but wonder if I've crossed a line. Did the gift make things too real for her? Is she pulling away because she's afraid of what it might mean? The silence is killing me, but I'm not sure how to bridge this sudden gap between us.
When we got home, I thought for sure she would mention something about it then — still nothing. Now we’re getting dressed for the charity concert and she’s barely looked twice at me, which is something I’d normally let slide any other time. Right now? Not so much.
I’m closer to her now than I was before.
It doesn’t help that my mother has been calling me, now that they are on their way back from their own trip, and wondering when we will be able to visit them. Each time, I have to tell them that Carmen is too busy with work, which is true, and it only frustrates my mother.
She’s worried that Carmen is too focused on her career, rather than trying to create a family with me like any good fiancée would want to do. I almost opened my mouth to tell her that there’s no point in worrying about a family because I’m not actually engaged, but I managed to keep it from slipping out.
Carmen struts down the long hallway toward our dressing rooms. The backstage area thrums with energy. A stagehand rushes past, leaving a trail of glitter in his wake - remnants of a costume malfunction. The muffled bass from the opening act vibrates through the floor, syncing with my heartbeat. But all of this fades when I spot Carmen. She's weaving through the chaos with practiced ease, her posture rigid, the tapping of her pen against her clipboard a staccato counterpoint to the backstage symphony. Even from here, I can see the furrow in her brow, the slight downturn of her lips. Something's bothering her, and I'm pretty sure that something is me.
She’s too busy fussing over details, and almost runs into me. I place my hand on her arms before it comes to that, which startles her and she looks up into my eyes.
“Hey, Sunshine,” I say, my voice low. I resist the urge to pull her close. “Missed you.”
She stiffens, her eyes darting around like she’s looking for an escape. “Been busy. You know how it is.”
“Too busy for your fiancé?” I tease, but there’s an edge to my voice I can’t hide. I step closer, invading her space. “Or are you avoiding me?”
Her eyes snap to mine, a mix of emotions swirling in their depths. “Donny, I... we can’t do this here.”
When I glance at her arm, I notice the bracelet hanging from her wrist, and it fills my chest with pride. At least she’s wearing it. That’s a good sign.
“My mother thinks you’re working too much, you know?”
That has her spine stiffening, and she frowns at me. “Excuse me?”
“She wants us to visit, but your schedule doesn’t allow time for that.”
I hate that I’m starting to sound like my own mother. I’ve always admired how determined Carmen is with her work, but right now all its doing is getting in the way of the time we could be spending together.
Carmen takes a deep breath, then tips her lips into a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Don’t you have a show to put on?”
She storms away from me, mumbling a few words under her breath that I wish I could hear, and I wait until she disappears around a corner before going back into my dressing room.
Maybe getting on her bad side wasn’t the brightest idea, but there’s no way I can hide the fact that I miss her easy presence.
I only wonder if she feels the same way, and that’s the reason why she’s been avoiding me like I’ve got the plague.
As I’m about to head on stage, I catch sight of Carmen again. She’s staring at the bracelet on her wrist, a soft smile on her lips. Then she looks up, her eyes meeting mine. At that moment, I make a decision.
After the show, we’re going to talk. And this time, I’m not letting her run away.
Because I’m done pretending. I want this to be real, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.