Chapter 35
COLT
The nightmare was the worst one yet.
Lauren’s face, pale and twisted in pain. The screech of tires that seemed to go on forever. My own voice screaming her name. And then—new this time—Hallie’s face replacing Lauren’s. Hallie lying broken on the pavement. Hallie’s eyes going empty.
I jolted awake with a yell caught in my throat. My heart was a jackhammer in my chest, trying to break ground. My hands were cramping, fingers curled into claws against the sheets. Sweat soaked through my T-shirt, cold and clammy.
I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt like someone had wrapped steel bands around it and was tightening them slowly, methodically, until my lungs couldn’t expand. Panic clawed at my throat.
Breathe. Just breathe.
But I couldn’t. The room was spinning. My thoughts were racing with fragmented images of Lauren and Hallie, of loss and pain, and everything I’d spent years trying to bury.
Hallie. The thought of her cut through the panic like a knife.
What if something had happened to her? What if she’d done something reckless? What if she was hurt?
I’d lost the first love of my life. I couldn’t lose another.
No. I wasn’t thinking about Hallie that way. I couldn’t. She’d lied to me. Used me. Planned to destroy me.
But fuck, I still loved her.
And the terror flooding through me at the thought of something happening to her was visceral and overwhelming and completely beyond my control. There was no way I was going to be able to function until I knew she was okay.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand with shaking hands. It wasn’t quite four. She’d be asleep. I shouldn’t call.
But dammit, the feeling in my chest wasn’t going away. And fuck it. She deserved to lose a little sleep.
I called anyway.
It rang once. Twice. Three times.
Pick up. Please pick up.
I didn’t realize how desperately I needed her to answer. How urgent it was. I felt like I was suffocating. I would not be able to draw a full breath until I heard her voice.
“Hello?” Her voice was thick with sleep, confused. “Colt, are you alright?”
Relief crashed through me so hard I had to close my eyes. She was okay. She was alive.
“Colt, talk to me. Are you okay?”
I realized I hadn’t said anything. Was just sitting there in the dark, breathing hard, trying to get my heart rate under control.
“I’m fine,” I finally managed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You’re not fine.” Her voice had changed, becoming more alert. More concerned. I could picture her sitting up in bed with her hair wild around her face. “What happened? Is someone hurt?”
“No. Nothing like that.” I ran a hand through my sweat-dampened hair. “I just… I had another nightmare. And I needed to make sure you were okay.”
Silence stretched between us.
“You called to check on me?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“At four in the morning.”
“Yeah.” I laughed without humor. “It was a bad dream.”
More silence. “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you? Until you fall back asleep?”
Everything in me wanted to say yes. I wanted to let her voice ground me the way it always did. But accepting comfort from her felt like weakness. Like giving in.
“No,” I said. “You should go back to sleep. I’m okay. Really. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t having some kind of psychic vision.”
“Colt.” Her voice was gentle but firm. “You called me at four in the morning because you had a nightmare and needed to make sure I was alive. You’re not okay. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be okay right now.”
My throat tightened. “Hallie—”
“I know what I did. I know I hurt you. I know you probably hate me right now, and you have every right to.” She paused. “But I also know you’re not okay. And I can at least be here for this, even if I can’t fix the rest of it.”
I should hang up. Should tell her I didn’t need anything from her. That she’d done enough damage.
But I didn’t.
Because she was right. I could use a friend right then, even a friend like her.
“Frankie told you,” I said. Not a question.
“About Lauren? Yes.” Hallie’s voice was thick with emotion. “I’m so sorry, Colt. For what happened to her. For what you went through. I can’t even imagine.”
“Then don’t.” The words came out harsh. Angry. “Don’t imagine it. Don’t try to understand it. Just… don’t.”
“Okay.”
I was angry that Frankie had told her. Furious, actually. That was my story to tell. My pain to share or not share as I chose. How many more times was I going to have to relive that night? How many more people were going to know the worst moment of my life?
But even as anger coursed through me, Hallie’s voice cut through it. Calm. Gentle. Not pushing, not demanding. Just there.
“I wish I’d known sooner,” she said quietly. “About Lauren. About what you’ve been carrying. It doesn’t excuse what I planned to do, or what you did to me back then, but I would have understood better. Why you are the way you are. Why opening up is so hard for you.”
“I’m not looking for understanding.”
“I know. But you have it anyway.” She paused. “What I did, what I planned to do… it was vindictive. It was born from the hurt of a teenage girl who never properly dealt with her feelings. And it was wrong.”
I didn’t respond. Couldn’t.
“I’m embarrassed,” she continued. “Ashamed, really. If I could go back and do it all differently, I would. I’d tell you the truth from the beginning.
I’d be honest about why I recognized you.
I would tell you that seeing you again brought up all these old feelings.
I’d give you the choice about whether you wanted to work with me knowing our history. ”
“Would you have signed the contract if you could go back?” I asked. “Knowing how it would end?”
She was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t know. Part of me wants to say no, that I’d save us both the pain. But another part of me? Colt, being with you these past weeks, even with how it ended, has been some of the happiest times of my life. So I honestly don’t know.”
My chest ached. I wanted to believe she was the person I believed her to be. I was certain I knew Hallie, even if she had fooled me initially. There was no faking that connection.
No one was that good.
“I’ve seen you wake from your nightmares,” she said.
“I’ve watched the way they affect you, even when you try to hide it.
I know you’re still haunted by what happened to Lauren.
And I’m so, so sorry that what I did made it worse.
That I made you think it was safe to love again and then proved that it wasn’t. ”
“Lauren died when I was nineteen, but we had known each other most of our lives. We were good friends, but it wasn’t until, well, after you that she and I got together.”
“I’m sorry. Frankie said—”
“Frankie got it wrong. Or I got it wrong. I don’t know.” I leaned back against the headboard, suddenly exhausted. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to you. So it matters.”
I closed my eyes, and before I could stop myself, the words tumbled out. “If I could go back, I never would have left you on that beach.”
I heard her breath catch. Then a soft sniffle.
“Hallie? You okay?”
“No.” Her voice was thick with tears. “I’m not okay. I fucked up, Colt. I broke something that was starting to feel really special to me. And I’m so angry at myself. I don’t know what the next right move is. I don’t know how to fix this.”
My chest tightened. I wanted to be there with her. Wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her it would be okay. But I was hours away in Manhattan, and she was in the Hamptons, and the distance between us felt insurmountable.
“It’s four in the morning,” I said gently. “You don’t have to figure it out right now. You don’t have to make your next move until the sun comes up.”
“What about you? Can you go back to sleep?”
“I don’t know. Probably not.”
“Then I’ll stay up with you,” she said simply. “Tell me something. Anything. Tell me about your favorite memory of Lauren.”
The request caught me off guard. No one ever asked me about Lauren.
Frankie knew better. Everyone else didn’t know at all.
And was it wrong to share memories of my first love with my second love?
I didn’t want to hurt Hallie with those memories.
Or make her feel inadequate or second rate because that was the farthest thing from the truth.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because she was important to you. Because talking about the people we’ve lost helps keep them alive. And because…” She paused. “Because I want to understand you better. Even if it’s too late for us.”
I should say no. Should tell her it was none of her business. Should hang up and let us both go back to our separate misery.
But I didn’t.
“She used to sing off-key in my car,” I said. “Didn’t matter what song was playing—pop, rock, country—she’d sing along at the top of her lungs and get every single note wrong. It was terrible.” I smiled despite myself. “But she was so happy when she did it. So free. And I loved that about her.”
“She sounds wonderful.”
“She was.” My throat tightened. “She was everything to me. And when she died, it felt like the entire world stopped making sense. Like I’d lost my compass and would never find my way again.”
“But you did find your way,” Hallie said softly. “You’re honoring your father’s legacy. You took care of Frankie. You survived, Colt. That takes incredible strength.”
“It doesn’t feel like strength. It feels like going through the motions.”
“Until recently?” I knew what she was asking. Until her. Until I’d let myself feel something real again.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Until recently.”
We sat in silence for a while, just breathing together over the phone. The panic that had woken me had subsided, replaced by a bone-deep weariness.
“Colt?” Hallie’s voice was quiet. “I know you need time. I know you might never forgive me. But I need you to know something.”
“What?”
“It was all real. I’m not trying to manipulate you.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner.
I’m sorry I let it get this far. I’m sorry for everything.
That’s not who I am. I hated the person I became.
I’m not vengeful. I did move on after the beach thing.
It was my choice to be bitter about it. I don’t want to feel like that ever again.
Because even though it hurt at the time, I think it made me stronger.
It made me who I am. I shouldn’t have let one bad decision lead to so much pain.
I’m selfish. I never want to feel selfish again.
This whole thing has taught me another life lesson.
I just want you to know, you will always be the one that got away. ”
The words should have made me angry. Should have felt like another manipulation. Instead, they just made me tired.
“I don’t know what to do with that,” I said honestly. “I don’t know how to trust it. How to trust you.”
“I know. I don’t expect you to.” She paused. “You should try to get some sleep. Just close your eyes. Leave the phone on your pillow.”
I smiled. “It’s fine. I’m going to work out. That’s what I usually do after one of these stupid nightmares.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Where are you?”
“Beach house.”
I suspected that already. “Will you be okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I can’t hide forever but I can hide for now.”
“Yeah. I understand.”
“Try to get some rest,” Hallie said. “And Colt? Thank you for calling. For making sure I was okay. That means… it means more than you know.”
“Yeah. You’re welcome.”
“Goodbye, Colt.”
“Bye, Hallie.”
She hung up, and I sat there staring at my phone.
I’d called her at four in the morning because I needed to know she was safe.
Because despite the lies, the betrayal, and the broken trust, I still loved her.
And I had no idea what to do about that.
We were both broken. The question was if we could be broken together or if we had broken apart.