18. I Guess Were Doing This in Front of an Audience
MARS
A nother meeting, another day where I’m adding detail to the illustration of Ivy as a shield-maiden that I started at the wedding. Brian drones on in my ear about next quarter’s targets and new board designs. Listening with half an ear, I run my thumb over where my pen finally perfected the slope of Ivy’s nose. I look forward to making the change on the skateboard deck design I started.
I glance at my phone, hoping for a new text but knowing there’s nothing there. I hate how we left things yesterday, but I’m determined to give Ivy the space she needs to figure out what she wants.
I needed space too, but that ended when I fell into my empty bed last night. Not having Ivy in my arms sent me beyond the limit of what I can stand.
She’s not at work today, which has me on edge. But that ends this evening. I’m going over to her place, and we’re going to work this out. A spike of fear lances through my chest, and I rub at the spot with my hand. The hand holding my pen. Looking down, I see the dark smudge on my white shirt and sigh. Ivy would laugh and shake her head if she saw it.
I swallow a sharp lump in my throat as Brian closes out the meeting. Giving Ivy’s empty chair another look, I pull off my headphones and press the heels of my hands to my eyes.
A loud gasp comes from behind me, and I startle out of my seat, almost falling to the floor. I catch myself on the edge of my desk and stand. Turning around, my heart stops when I see Ivy standing there. The tip of her nose is red, and her eyes look puffy. She’s in leggings and my hoodie, an outfit she usually only wears around the house.
“Ivy?” I start. But her eyes stay glued to my desk. I finally catch what she’s staring at. The drawing. The one of her in armor, riding into battle carrying a sword. The armor’s not fully fleshed out, but her face and hair are. There’s no mistaking it’s her.
“You...you added to it?” Her eyes finally meet mine.
“Yes.” I want to say more, but I’m having a hard time forming words.
“And that’s how you see me?” She twists her fingers together, and she drops my gaze, now making eye contact with my chin.
“Yes,” I answer. It’s all I can manage because I’m dying to gather her in my arms, but I don’t know yet if that’s what she wants from me.
“With impenetrable armor?” She sounds like she’s fighting back a sob.
Fuck it. I take the two steps that separate us and gather her in my arms.
“Ives. No, baby. That armor’s just for show. I see you as a kick-ass friend who stands up for her people no matter who she pisses off. You’re a warrior. That armor’s not impenetrable if you don’t want it to be,” I murmur into her ear.
The silence of the usually bustling office pierces our little bubble, and I notice we have a curious audience.
“But not only a friend, right?” she asks into my neck, her voice hovering between fear and hope.
Before I can say anything, she continues. “I heard you, you know?” I shake my head in confusion. “What you said to Henning outside Foggy’s. Nobody I’ve dated has ever said those things about me.” Her voice is thick with tears and I squeeze her tighter. “Fuck, Mars, you have no idea what your words meant to me. Nobody’s ever seen me the way you do.”
I pull back to look at her. Her eyes spark with something, and I suck in a breath. But I need her to lay it out for me.
“What do you want Ivy? If you weren’t scared of what could happen down the road, what would you truly want?”
She leans into me for a second but then pulls back. I drop my hands, ready to accept my fate. But then she starts digging through her purse, pulling out a handful of scraps of paper and slamming them on my desk.
Ivy points at them and says in a clear voice, “This. I want this .” She smacks her hand on the little stack. I shake my head, not understanding. Picking up the first one she holds it in front of my face.
I recognize it immediately as one of my doodles, the one from the anniversary party. An inflatable unicorn using sharp knitting needles to make a horn cozy. “What…?”
“I want the man who imagines these wonderful, sweet things. I want the man”—she pauses and picks up the next scrap and shoves it in my face—“who drew an otter as a therapist in an office. Seriously, who but you could come up with this?” She stares at the drawing and some of her fierceness softens.
She picks up the rest of the stack. “A yawning coffee mug.” She waves a placemat around. I vaguely remember drawing it, but don’t remember Ivy taking it. “A surfboard spitting out seaweed. A desk saying ‘ouch’ when a foot kicks it.” She looks at me, clutching the drawings to her chest. “I want the guy who sees the world this way. Who finds humor in almost every situation. Who’s as solid as the furniture he’s tripped over a million times, but who’s soft when the world tries to make him hard. Who doesn’t let a million bumps and bruises dim his smile. I want you , Mars. Only you.”
My heart rattles against my ribs, and I reach for her, but she’s on a roll. And nobody stops my Ivy when she’s got things to say. “I want the guy who sees me like this.” She holds up my drawing of her. “Because I really fucking love that guy.” Her voice softens, and a tear escapes down her cheek.
Blood rushes to my head. She said love, but I’m going to need her to repeat it a million times.
I finally manage to unstick myself from where I’m gaping and wrap my arms around her. I hear a sniffle from the vicinity of Stuart’s desk and smile before I take Ivy’s mouth in a kiss. Not simply any kiss. The kiss. The kiss that’s the beginning of the rest of our story. The kiss that tells her everything I can’t put into words.
“That guy... this guy is all yours, Ives. Since the day we met and you declared me your friend, I’ve been all yours. I love you beyond...just beyond.” Her arms tighten around me, and she sighs. “I love how unapologetically fierce you are with your friends, with your company, when we’re making love. I love that my lack of grace doesn’t change the way you see me.”
I pull back to look at her. To take in Ivy as she is now, because now she’s mine . She reaches up and brushes my hair off my forehead. “You love me.” It’s not a question, but I nod. “And I love you.” I nod again, tightening my hold on her.
Putting her head back on my shoulder, she sighs. “We’re really doing this?”
I laugh. “Ives, we’ve been doing this all along.”
“Joanie’s going to be insufferable.”
From over my shoulder I hear, “Darn straight.”