Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
Mona
Finding out that Julian Lewis is Alex Connors has messed with my head. It’s consuming me, to the point where I want to call him and rage at him. But then, I talk myself out of it because I’m scared. I know that as soon as I hear his voice, I’d ask him to come back to me.
In a fit of rage, I grab my tablet and log into my Holidates account. I go into my inbox there and click on the most recent message from Julian Lewis.
“The nerve on this asshole!”
I shake my head in disbelief. Now that I know it’s him, I can’t believe that I didn’t see it in the picture he posted for his profile. I zoom in a few times and stare. I know that I am looking at a much younger version of Alex, but I don’t understand why I didn’t recognize him from the beginning.
And then, it hits me. He’s smiling from ear to ear. He looks happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this in real life. It’s not that he never smiled or laughed, but there was always a wall. He never let himself go completely.
The only conclusion I can come up with is that I never brought out that side of him. He never felt safe around me.
I throw the tablet on the couch next to me, standing up to stretch my legs. It’s been hours since I sat down. I’ve been driving myself crazy as I went over every single detail, wondering why I’m stupid.
Grabbing my phone, I call the only person that might understand me right now.
“Awww, I was just thinking about you.”
Elizabeth is all chirpy when she answers the call. I’m not so sure she is the right person for my situation after all. She’s too happy.
“I spent the night with Alex.” I am tired of beating around the bush.
“Oh… When?”
“Last night.”
There’s somber silence coming over the line.
“From the tone of your voice, I take it that you spending the night with Alex did not go as planned.”
I sigh. “There wasn’t even a plan! I listened to you and went to his friends’ party…”
“Were they rude to you?” It’s like she’s about to go kick everyone’s ass.
“No, they…”
She cuts me off again. “They ignored you?”
“Isn’t that the same as being rude?” I counter.
That throws her off. “Uh, yeah, I guess it is.” She becomes quiet again. “What did they do to you then?”
I blow a puff of air. “They were amazing,” I confess. “I had such a great time. We had dinner, then we played Charades, then…”
“Wait,” she calls out. “So you had a good time there?”
I sink my teeth into my thumb, applying pressure on my upper teeth. “I had a great time.”
“Hmm…” She takes some time to mull things over. “I’m confused then. What’s the problem?”
My eyes fall to the tablet. “The problem is that Julian Lewis is Alex!”
I pause for dramatic effect, but she’s not reacting like I need her to.
“I don’t know who Julian Lewis is.” She tries to be gentle when she says it, but I’m annoyed.
“He is the guy who contacted me on the fake dating site.” I am almost screaming as I speak. My throat feels dry, and I am wheezing a little. “He lured me to the expensive restaurant under false pretenses!”
“Oh…”
I wait for her to say more, and when she doesn’t, my aggravation is amplified.
“Care to elaborate?” I snap at her.
“It’s very dramatic when you put it that way,” she says. “Why would he lure you to an expensive restaurant?”
I roll my eyes, taking the time to run over all the facts in my head before I present them to my best friend.
“I blocked him on everything. He didn’t know how to get a hold of me, so he created this fake dating account, and messaged me through there.”
“But…” I guess now it’s her turn to analyze what I just said. “How would he know to do that?”
I put the phone on speaker and throw my arms up in despair. “Because all his damn friends were on this fake dating app at one point or another,” I explain. “One of them saw me on there, told Alex about it. Alex rushed to get on there and trick me!”
“That sounds like a very elaborate plan,” she admits.
I stick my hands in my hair, the hair spray I got on making it hard for me to run my fingers through it.
“Thank you,” I exclaim.
“Okay, so he created this profile and asked you out. Was there a picture on there?”
I roll my eyes and groan in shame. “Yes. I thought it looked like him…”
“You saw the picture and thought it looked like Alex, but you still went to meet him at the restaurant?”
There’s something in her tone of voice that puts me on the defensive. “So?”
“Why would you want to go out with a man who looks like the one you just broke up with?”
I don’t know why she’s coming at me with all this logical stuff, but I’m not a fan.
“You’re missing the point,” I almost yell at her again. “He did all that to trick me into seeing him even though I’d made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore!”
“But how could he be sure that you’d say yes to him asking you to meet under a different name?”
That stops me in my tracks. I never thought of it. I guess I could’ve just ignored any messages from Julian Lewis, just like I did with all the other ones that I’d received. Instead, I made plans to meet up.
“Did you think Justin Lewis’ picture looked like Alex before or after you said yes to dinner with him?”
I look down at the floor and tap my toe against the carpeted floor. I get where she’s going with her line of questioning. I don’t like it.
“You’re trying to imply that I said yes to Julian only because I thought he looked like Alex.”
Elizabeth chuckles softly. “Well, you just confirmed it.”
I hate crying, but I sure think it would be cathartic in this moment.
It would release all this pressure inside of me.
Alas, I’ve never been the type to cry just to release my emotions.
The only time that I can think of that I did it was when Alex was here a couple of weeks ago.
And that one was very spontaneous, also embarrassing.
Fortunately, he never commented on that.
“Have you ever thought of just sitting down with Alex and talking it all out?”
I let out a snort of surprise mixed with disbelief. “I’m sorry, have you not been listening for the last four years? There is no talking to this man. He shuts me out and tells me it’s over. That’s how he operates.”
“But have you ever looked into why he’s doing that?” she insists. “There’s got to be a valid reason.”
I cross my arms over my chest and stare into space as I struggle to think. I try to remember anything that he might have shared with me over the years, but nothing specific comes to mind. Unless…
“He said something once about his mother having trapped his father with a baby,” I say. “But he never gave me any details.”
“Did you ask for details?”
I frown at that. “Why would I ask? If he doesn’t want to tell me, he doesn’t want to tell me. I’m not his damn psychiatrist.”
I stop talking when I realize how bitchy I sound. I wonder if this is how I sound to Alex’s ears, too. I cringe at the thought of it.
“Do you love him?” Elizabeth asks. “Like, really, really love him?”
A painful sob gets stuck in my chest, and I rob at the spot right above my heart.
“I told him that I loved him.”
In fact, it was more than once. He never said it back, not even in his most vulnerable moments.
“I really think there’s a reason he’s been coming back to you for all these years. The fact that he can’t stay away has to mean something…”
Elizabeth continues talking, completely unaware of the storm brewing in my head. I agree that Alex coming back is important, but at the same time, he kills a small part of my soul every time he leaves again.
“I can’t take it anymore.” My voice is barely audible. “He keeps on leaving me, and every time he does, I tell myself that it’s for the last time. But then, he decides that he can’t leave without me. As it turns out, that feeling is short lived.”
I don’t realize that I’m crying until I touch my face. My cheeks are wet and warm to the touch.
“I can’t live like this, Lizzie,” I sob.
“I am struggling with everything. I work all these hours, and I can’t even tell him that I am tired because he’ll think I’m hinting that I want him to give me money.
” I push my hair up. “He’s got this obsession where he thinks everyone is out to get his money. ”
“Oh my gosh, why didn’t you say anything?” she admonishes me. “I can send you money. I…”
“Lizzie,” I snap at her, tears all but forgotten. “That’s not what I’m trying to tell you, girl!”
“I know, but if you need money…”
“I don’t need your money! I don’t need anyone’s money! I just need someone to love me for me and not think I want them for their money!”
I am once again raising my voice. But I feel so much better. I got it all off my chest, and now I am done. I will live my life with no regrets. Something that Alex Connors will never be able to say.
“Okay, I need to go to bed now.”
Elizabeth’s laughter floats over the line. “What? Just like that?”
“Yes.” I sniffle, then wipe under my nose with the sleeve of my sweater. “All this talk about my feelings exhausted me. And I need to be up really early for work, so…”
“Please let me send you some money…”
“Girl,” I snap. “I will kick your ass. I’ll move out of state before I accept money from anyone other than my employer.”
She gasps in shock. “Where would you even go?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug as I throw things at the wall, see what sticks. “I could move out to Arizona…”
“Arizona?” she gasps again. “What’s in Arizona?”
I open my arms wide like she can see me. “I don’t know, warmth and sunshine. Besides, my mother lives there.”
“Oh, I forgot about that.” She sounds sad, which doesn’t make any sense considering she moved out of state the first chance she got.
“You want me to move to Texas so I can be closer to you instead?”
I’m only kidding. Her gasp of excitement tells me I guessed correctly.
“Would you?”
“Let me think.” I pause, pretending like I’m doing just that. “No.”
“You’re no fun,” she accuses me.
“I’m going to bed. I’ll call you back this week one day,” I say.
Chances of me doing that are pretty low considering my schedule, but she always promises to call me back too, which hardly ever happens.
“I love you, and I want you to call me anytime you feel sad,” she demands.
“Yes, mom,” I tease back. “Good night.”
I disconnect the call and drop back on the small couch in my living room.
I rest my head in my hands and try to think.
The weekend has been a complete fail, and nothing like how it started when Alex picked me up for the party.
I really don’t know where to go from here, but one thing is for certain.
I can’t be in a continuous limbo with him anymore, where I constantly wonder if we’re on or off.
My cell dings with a text, and I roll my eyes, expecting to see a funny GIF from Elizabeth. Imagine my surprise when I flip the phone over and see that it’s a message from a number I don’t recognize.
Unknown: Hi, Mona, this is Zara. I had Kyle get me your number from Alex’s phone. He doesn’t know. I was wondering if we could talk.
I stare at the message, unsure what to make of it. Was Alex not enough, now I have to deal with his friends as well? No one ever contacted me before when we broke up, and I don’t understand why they would do it now.
I pick up the phone, and, before replying to the text, I save the number in my phone.
Me: hey, not sure what we could be talking about. I appreciate you reaching out, but if it’s about Alex, I’m not interested.
Zara: I completely understand, and I don’t blame you. It’s not about Alex.
My eyebrows raise in surprise.
Me: who or what is it about?
I see the dots appearing and disappearing, but still no reply. To say that now I need to know what the hell is going on does not begin to cover it. And I find out that Alex is the one texting me under false pretenses…
Me: Alex, if this is you, I hope you choke on it!
The dots start blinking again. And then, they disappear.
“Ugh! Why are his friends as aggravating as they are?”
Unless I’m right, and it’s not really his friends texting me. Not like it’d be that hard to get a different number and text people from it.
Suddenly, my phone lights up with an incoming call. Zara’s name flashes across the screen since I saved the number. I hesitate for a moment, then decide to hell with it. I will rip this man a new one.
“Mona,” a soft and most definitely feminine voice greets me. “I was worried you wouldn’t answer. This is Zara, Kyle’s g…”
“I know who you are,” I cut her off. “And I can’t even begin to imagine why you’d be calling me.”
She clears her throat nervously. “I’d like to talk to you…”
“About?”
I am proud of myself. I sound straight and to the point. But then, she goes and bursts my bubble, completely contradicting what she said in the text.
“Alex.”