Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Mona
Dear Mona,
I never started a note like this in my life. It’s weird, but it fits like a glove when it comes to everything I feel about you.
The last four years have been a rollercoaster.
I put us on that rollercoaster, and I never even tried to take us off.
I never realized all the harm I was doing to you with my behavior.
I guess you could say that I needed a swift kick in the ass.
You completely cutting me off shifted my focus from me to everything that I love about you.
From the first time we came together, it felt like I was on a continuous high.
And I didn’t want to get sober. It scared me so much that I chose to hurt you rather than confess to my feelings.
I chose to do that over and over again, knowing that I was taking you for granted, and that there would come a time when you’d be done with me for good.
I thought I’d be ready for when that time came. I didn’t expect it to feel like a stab to the heart. It’s a self-inflicted wound that will never heal because I will never allow it to heal.
I want you to be happy and to have the life you deserve, one full of love and happiness with someone who appreciates you for the amazing woman that you are.
I want that someone to be me with every fiber in my body and soul.
And I want you to know that if at any time into the future, you want to reach out to me, I will always be there for you.
I don’t care if it’ll be tomorrow or in a year, five or fifty from now.
I will always be there for you in all the ways that you will need me to.
I love you.
I will never stop loving you.
Never.
Alex
I read the note from Alex so many times, the words started to become blurry and blended together. I drove myself crazy analyzing the tone of the message, any underlining currents, everything else that might have a double meaning.
At some point during the night, I accepted it for what it was. An apology wrapped in a declaration of love. Something I never imagined I’d receive from him. The fact that the name on the account had changed to Alexander Julian Lewis added a new layer of missing him.
I went over what Kyle told me about Alex’s childhood and family history.
My heart ached for the little boy he used to be, and, coupled with the message he sent me, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t care about Alex’s behavior up until this point.
I believed in redemption and second chances, and I wanted to give him another chance.
There would always be the risk of him hurting me again, but that could happen with anyone else I’d choose to date. I’d rather be loved and hurt by Alex Connors than allow another man in my life.
Now, as I stare at his handsome face, all I see is anguish etched onto his features. He thinks this is goodbye.
My eyes drop back to the glass dome sitting on the table. Inside of it is the rose he gave me. I had every intention of saving it myself, but then, on our way back into the city, I was so mad at him that I forgot it in his car.
But he saved it… He… saved it.
I can’t even wrap my mind around it. I didn’t expect this level of emotion and thoughtfulness on his part.
“I’m not the type of person who can be happy,” he tells me. “It’s a good thing that you were able to move on.”
There is so much pain in his voice when he says that, it makes me wish we were back at my place, or even his apartment. Anywhere where I could show him the type of affection that cannot be shown in public.
“What makes you think I have moved on, Alex?”
He stares back at me, unsure of how to answer my question. While I already know that I want him back, I don’t plan on making things too easy for him.
“The presence of a date made it obvious.”
My lips tremble in an effort to stop the smile that’s about to take over my entire face.
“Yes, I suppose it does,” I comment.
I take a step closer to him, my eyes scanning him from the top of his head to the bottom of the shiny shoes he’s wearing.
He looks extremely handsome in his tuxedo, in a very James Bond type of way.
All the men are dressed like this tonight, but I’m positive that Alex Connors is the most handsome of them all.
“What are you doing, Mona?”
There’s panic and excitement in his tone when I grab him by the lapels and pull him into me.
“You’re here with someone else. He’s…”
I drop my head back to look up at him as I finally allow myself to smile.
“He’s my fake date.”
Alex’s brows come down into a V as he watches me suspiciously.
“What fake date?”
I run my hands up and down before resting them onto his shoulders.
“From the Holidates,” I explain when I notice the incredulous look on his face. “You knew I was on there…”
He takes a step back, giving me no choice but to drop my hands from his shoulders.
“What the fuck Holidates date?” He spits out the words like they’re poison. “I was your Holidates date!”
There’s disbelief in the loud snort I let out. “Who told you that you were my only date from there?”
I make it sound like a lot more than it actually was, but he deserves it.
“Kyle said he asked you if I was your plus one to this party…”
I roll my eyes. “Kyle asked me if the Holidates date was my plus one, and I said yes. I tried explaining that there was another person, but he was out the door before I had the chance to.”
“So you had an actual date lined up for this?”
“I had to,” I yell back. “After you didn’t respond to my message…”
He stares at me like I just grew a second head. “You never sent me a message!”
I roll my eyes again. “Well, I sent a message to the fake you. Julian Lewis,” I remind him. “When you didn’t get back to me, I started looking at my options…”
“But we were sleeping together by then,” he stutters.
I’m not sure if he’s trying to shame me, but I’ll give him a pass only because I’d feel the same way if things were reversed.
“The goal of me finding someone on there was to have a date for this party, Alex.”
He doesn’t react. Instead, he decides to listen, showing me more maturity than ever before.
“I wanted to show up here looking glamorous…”
“You look beautiful,” he instantly says.
“I wanted to make you jealous.”
The whole idea was petty, but I ran with it, and now I wonder how wise that was.
“That was the only reason you wanted a date?” His incredulous tone suggests that he doesn’t believe me.
“That’s the only reason I said yes to a date with Julian Lewis,” I retort. “And you should know that better than anyone since you know what the app is all about.”
He starts pacing the room, every so often running his hands through his hair.
“All my friends met their women through that app.”
I nod at that but don’t have much to add because it’s something I was already aware of.
“They fell in love after they met on there,” he adds, more agitated with each moment that passes. “They are now in various stages of domestic bliss, and here I am… I’m…”
“You’re what, Alex?”
My mouth is dry and my entire body goes tense as I wait for him to tell me the words I crave to hear in person.
It’s one thing to see them written in an email, and a completely different thing to hear them directly from the person you hope to spend the rest of your days with.
The time when he dropped me off at my apartment doesn’t count.
I was angry with him. I couldn’t take them in and appreciate them for what they were.
“I am so in love with you, I feel sick to my stomach.”
I purse my lips as I pretend to take offense to that.
“Good to know that love makes you sick,” I deadpan. “By the way, I feel the same.”
As far as love declarations go, this one has got to be the worst. But it fits the history we have together.
“What are you saying?” There’s desperation in his tone. He rushes around the table to get closer to me, putting a stop to the pacing.
I keep my arms crossed over my chest and stare him down. “I’m saying that I love you. I tried telling you this before, but you never listened…”
He grabs me and pulls me into him, almost crushing the back of my head as his hand presses it into his chest.
“I listened to every word!” He drops a desperate kiss to the top of my head. “Every fucking word. I was scared to say it back until you were done with me.”
“Say what back?” I challenge him, forcing him out of his comfort zone. Besides, I love hearing him telling me that he loves me.
He pulls my head back and cups my cheeks, with his thumbs sliding up and down.
He stares into my eyes with so much emotion, I almost want to stop him.
I don’t want to put him through hell just to hear some words.
In the grand scheme of things, they’re not important.
His deeds are way more important, and he’s been showing me his love in all the ways he’s capable of.
“I love you.”
His voice is gruff. He’s put everything that he is in this one short declaration. It means everything to me, and something I will never take for granted.
“I love you, too,” I whisper. “So much.”
The relief I see on his face makes me regret dragging this so much. He is truly a tortured soul, and I promise myself in this moment that I will never play games with him. I will cherish his love, and I will return it.
“Kiss me.”
He drops his lips onto mine, and we both open at the same time. There is so munch hunger as we give this kiss everything that we have. It’s like a silent vow that, this time, nothing will tear us apart.
“I love you,” he mutters against my mouth, repeating it every time he comes up for air.
There is so much more that we need to talk about, but we’ll make time for it after tonight.
For now, this is enough. I never had plans to do anything big with my life, but Alex Connors will always be my greatest achievement.
My life’s mission will be to show him how much I love him, and how much he is worth not only to me, but to others as well.
There’s a loud knock at the door right before it opens.
“Oh, they’re very much alive,” Kyle calls out to someone out there. “Hey, love birds, they’re getting ready to sit us.”
He then clears his throat louder when we don’t pay him any attention.
“Mona has to go sit with her date.”
That grabs Alex’s attention. His head comes up, determination clear in his eyes. When he turns to look at Kyle, I swear there’s smoke coming out of his ears.
“She’s sitting with me.”
Kyle scratches at his brow. “That’s not how these things work, brother. The seats are assigned way before the event. You can’t just sit where you want. She has to go sit with this dude…” He clicks his fingers to get my attention. “What’s his name?”
“Jonathan,” I supply.
“He’s out there flirting with the wife of a hockey player,” he tells me. “In case anyone was wondering,” he adds when I don’t react. “Anyway…”
“She’s sitting with me,” Alex growls again.
Kyle remains standing in the doorway for a few long moments. Suddenly, someone is pushing him from behind, and his girlfriend, Zara, pops into the room.
“He’s only trying to give you a hard time.” She smiles shyly and pushes her glasses up her nose. “We’re all sitting together.” She looks at me apologetically. “Your date will have to sit with us as well…”
Kyle walks into the room, getting right in between us. He places an arm around each of our shoulders and starts leading us out of the room.
“This is a really good story to tell the grandkids,” he declares. “Especially for you guys.” He drops his eyes to my stomach. “Is there a kid in there?”
“What?” I place both hands over my nonexistent belly.
“That’s how the grandkids come into play, through the kids,” he explains to me with a serious face. “Do you have a kid in there?”
“Uh, no, but thanks for asking.”
He gives Alex a healthy shove. “You gotta try harder next time, dude.”
“What is even happening?” I am lost. It’s like they’re having a side conversation that’s about me, but I’m not involved.
“My buddy here told me he had sex with you with no protection…”
“Kyle,” Zara gasps out loud. “Use your filter! Please!”
She pulls him away from us, leaving me and Alex alone to follow them. When I look up at him, I notice him staring thoughtfully.
“I never in my life imagined having a baby with anyone before.” He winces. “In fact, I never wanted to have kids, period.”
I swallow hard. I never gave it much thought either.
“And now?” I ask.
The sexiest smirk lifts the corner of his mouth. “And now I can’t wait until we’re ready to have a baby.”
I grab his hand as we continue walking toward the dining area. The noise of the other guests swallows any conversation we could have. But I’m sure we’ll start later where we left off now.
Either way, the future looks bright. I’ve never been happier. And it’s all because of Alex Connors.
Those are some words I never thought I’d utter.
Words that I always hoped would come true.
The end