Chapter 27 #2
This time, it’s not a cry that leaves her body after she finishes speaking; it’s a wail. A gutteral, bone-shattering sound that will live in my mind for the rest of my life.
Camden cradles her head against his chest, smoothing her hair down while he consoles her.
His features contort with sorrow and agony, almost as if her emotions are pouring out of her directly into him.
But it’s his eyes that are the most alarming—the far off, distant look they take on—while tears well at their edges, threatening to spill over.
Our gazes meet over the top of her head, and he starts whispering gentle reassurances, barely loud enough for me to hear.
“It’s gonna be all right.”
“Just breathe.”
“You’re okay.”
I know they’re all meant to soothe Lexi—it’s why he’s saying them aloud. And yet, as he holds my gaze, I can’t shake the strange feeling that he’s trying to convince himself of them too.
I’m lounging on my bed, three episodes deep into my rewatch of Attack on Titan, when my phone starts buzzing on the mattress. At first, I assume it’s Cam calling to say he’s on his way home from the conference tournament at Cornwall, but instead, I find a FaceTime notification from Bailey.
A smirk pulls at my lips, and I quickly accept and wait for him to appear on the screen.
“Hey, B. What’s up?” I ask the second he’s in frame.
From the looks of it, he’s on his bed in his dorm room, wearing a hoodie and blanket around his shoulders.
He blows out a breath. “Oh, you know. Living the dream and freezing my damn ass off. Remind me again why I decided to spend winter in Norway?”
I purse my lips before offering, “I think you said it had something to do with the auroras. Or maybe it was the way Scandinavian architecture looks in the snow.”
“I was being facetious, dickhead, but thank you for that,” he grouses indignantly. “How’ve you been, though? I’ve been meaning to check in, but—”
“No, I get it. It’s been busy here too.”
We haven’t spoken a whole lot since he left for Norway over winter break, and that’s partly on me. I’ve been so wrapped up in Cam and school, I’ve completely neglected to check in with how he’s doing too.
“Well, catch me up, then. Things have to be far more interesting there than they are here.”
Interesting is definitely one word for it.
Especially since, the last time we spoke, things were still very much in the pretend realm with Camden. Yet dropping that particular change in status quo feels like jumping off the deep end, and I’d much rather tread into waters carefully.
I release a long breath before a wry laugh slips out.
“Well, where to start? Willow is Willow. Still a pain in the ass, and she definitely broke that vow of celibacy, if her frequent sleepovers away from the house are any indication.” I tap my fingers on my bed, racking my brain for other safe, non-Camden related updates.
“Uh, let’s see. My classes this term have been smooth sailing, thank God.
Lots of reading, but it’s pretty easy, so I still have plenty of time to draw both for my studio course as well as for myself.
Lexi is doing okay, despite the break up, and she’s been going—”
“Hold the fuck up,” he cuts in, holding his hand in front of him. “Lexi and Wyatt broke up?”
I bite my lip and nod. “Yeah, right before spring break.”
“Spring break! But that was almost two weeks ago!”
“Yeah,” I say slowly, not sure where he’s going with this.
He gawks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Yeah! So why the hell am I just hearing about this now?”
“Uh, because you’re like six hours ahead in Norway?”
“That’s not an excuse when the phone still works in fucking space, Logan!” he exclaims, pinning me with a heated glare that could put the sun to shame.
I cross my arms over my chest, and shrug. “Well, it’s not like it’s my news to tell.”
“It is when you’ve been pining after the girl since I’ve met you,” he counters, cocking his head. His brown eyes widen, and his hands fly to the top of his head. “Oh, shit. So what does that mean for your whole fake relationship thing with Camden?”
My brows knit together, genuinely confused, before I ask, “What do you mean?”
“Are you gonna end it to pursue Lexi?”
It’s my turn to be wide-eyed with shock by his insinuation.
I’d been more concerned about easing him into the idea of Cam and I being…well, not as fake as originally planned. I hadn’t even considered he’d think I would immediately end that arrangement to chase after Lexi.
“She and Wyatt just broke up, dude,” I say after gathering my thoughts. “Even if I was planning to do that, it’s a little soon for her to even be thinking about dating someone else, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, sure. I get that. And you definitely don’t wanna be the rebound. But in the meantime, you can be the available best friend with the shoulder to cry on. The one who was there the entire time, but she was too doe-eyed for the baseball star to see it.”
He lays the entire plan out in front of me, only to shoot me one of those hello, are you stupid? looks when I don’t immediately jump on the plan.
But I’m not stupid.
Despite what I’ve begun feeling for Camden, there have been the briefest moments where I’ve thought about what Lexi being single means. It’s like Bailey pointed out: I’ve been lovestruck by her since the day we met. Of course the possibilities of what could happen now have entered my mind.
Acting on those ideas, on the other hand, have not.
My silence must carry on for too long, because Bailey’s expression changes; it morphs from the impatient master planner into a suspicious best friend as he stares at me, eyes narrowed.
“What aren’t you saying?” he asks slowly.
Scraping my teeth over my bottom lip, I debate the best way to go about this. But there is no good way to drop this kind of bomb, so I just let it fly and hope I’m in the safe zone.
“Things with Cam aren’t exactly fake anymore.”
Bailey’s jaw might be dislocated with the way it practically falls off his face.
“I…you’re…what?”
I rub the back of my neck, grimacing. “I don’t know. Things kind of changed after New York when we started sleeping together, and—”
“You’re sleeping with him?”
“Jesus Christ, are you trying to wake your roommates?” I hiss, lowering my voice on instinct.
“I don’t fucking care if I wake Elvis from his goddamn grave!
And I definitely want to repeat my earlier question of: Why am I just finding out about this now?
” A maniacal laugh slips out, and he tosses his hand out in the direction of his phone.
“Sure, the Lexi stuff I can kind of understand you keeping to yourself. It’s still a new occurrence, and it’s really not any of my business.
But this? You’ve been fucking him for over two months and you didn’t think to say something? ”
I wince, hating how bad it sounds when he says it aloud. And it does sound bad, I know that. But…
“It just sorta happened.”
Bailey scoffs, leans back against his headboard, and crosses his arms. I can tell from the shake of his head and how he’s looking off in the distance beyond the camera, he’s still processing.
Like the information I’ve just plopped in his lap really was a live grenade and he’s been tasked with defusing it.
“So, what? Do you actually like him?” he asks, something between suspicion and disbelief in his tone.
My tongue toys with the inside of my cheek, and I nod. Because I do like Cam. So much more than I thought I could. Definitely way more than I planned to.
I might even…
I shake my head, shoving away the idea that’s insane to even think.
Then again, I never thought this fake shot at avoiding my infatuation with Lexi would bring out real feelings for someone else.
And never in a million years would I have expected it to be Camden Steele I would develop feelings for.
Yet here I am, questioning if I accidentally fell in love with my fake boyfriend.
Bailey stares at me through the screen, likely reading my every thought all over my face, before he lets out a long breath that turns into a wry laugh.
“Oh my fucking God. You’re…” He trails off, laughing some more, despite this being anything but funny. “Well, looks like you’ve got yourself into a real pickle now, Loge.”
Understatement of a lifetime.
I rub my temple, muttering, “You’re telling me.”
We sit in silence for a minute, neither of us knowing what to do or say next. Maybe because just the weight of admitting feelings for Cam is far heavier than either of us were expecting.
It’s only when I notice Bailey lightly tapping his fingers on his thigh, expression pensive and deep in thought, that I find my voice again.
“Speak,” I say, the single word dragging his attention back to me.
“What do you mean?”
I gesture toward him helplessly. “You clearly have something to say, so you may as well say it.”
His lips roll inward, and it’s that moment I realize, I’m not gonna like what he has to say.
“I understand how you got caught up in this thing with Camden, especially if the sex is good, but you’ve been in love with Lexi for as long as I’ve known you. No matter how confusing this might seem right now, that’s gotta count for something.”
My teeth sink into my tongue, the validity of his words bitch slapping me in the face.
Lexi is all I’ve ever wanted for so long.
She’s all the things I’ve ever pictured in a partner: caring, kind, and intelligent.
Her sense of humor pulls me out of my head, making me smile and laugh as easily as breathing, and she always seems to know the right thing to say.
She lets me be myself, without judgment or expectation, and understands me on a level I’ve rarely experienced before.
So why wouldn’t I set aside what’s developed with Cam for all of that?
But even as I ask myself the question, I know the answer.
Because he’s all those things too.
These thoughts swirl in my head like an impending storm, cycling one after another in only a second, leaving me to stare at the screen in misery.
“I know you’re right,” I rasp, hating the words as soon as they leave my lips.
“Then what are you gonna do?”
My head falls to my hands, and I shake it, still warring with myself.
“I wish I fucking knew.”
Because while Cam may be all the things Lexi is, there’s one distinction I can’t overlook: He’s the embodiment of everything I hate—hockey, the legacy. I mean, he’s one of Oakley’s friends. My uncle is his coach, and Dad is practically in love with him too.
So choosing Camden? Wanting him? Loving him?
It defies everything I am. Everything I want for myself. Everything I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from for years.
And yet, here I am, feeling like there’s no possible alternative.