Chapter Three Momentary Distraction
Haven
I t doesn’t matter how many times I come here, hospitals still freak me out.
I’m not sure why, but the sterile smell of antiseptic and the harsh fluorescent lighting makes my stomach twist and my skin crawl. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt his way every time I step inside a hospital. However, I’m not letting my aversion to the place keep me away. Clutching a bouquet of daisies in my hands, I make my way down the hallway to my mother’s room.
The words from the doctor still ring within my ears and every time I think of her like this, I can’t help but want to cry. Pausing at the door, I release a long breath and force a smile on my face.
I can do this. Just smile.
Stepping into my mom’s hospital room is like stepping into a cave. The lights are low and the curtains drawn. Not a single bit of sunshine that usually surrounds my mom lingers here. A constant reminder of what we’re all facing.
I softly shut the door behind me and move closer to the middle of the room. She’s lying in the bed, surrounded by pillows to help prop her up. My heart clenches at the sight of her. Something I’ll never get used to seeing. Especially with knowing how strong and resilient she used to look. Now, she’s thin and frail, and in place of the curly red hair she’s long since lost is a bright pink scarf wrapped around her head.
“Oh, hi there, sweetheart,” she says when she notices me. She smiles, but it’s weak and she looks beyond exhausted. Still, her golden brown eyes shimmer with delight as she watches me move closer to her bed. “Ahhh, flowers? You shouldn’t have.”
I collect an old bouquet out of the vase sitting on the table by her bed and replace it with the new one.
“We need to keep this place bright and cheerful,” I tell her. “It’s so gloomy and dark in here.”
She chuckles softly. “You’re right. I appreciate it, baby girl.”
I throw away the old, wilting flowers and then sit in the chair next to the bed.
“Where’s Peter?” My stepdad rarely leaves her side. Not see him here is odd.
“I told him he had to go home and shower.” Mom grins. “He was starting to stink.”
I chuckle. “I very much doubt that.”
“You’re right.” She nods. “That man is so meticulous about his hygiene, he only ever smells like soap and cologne. Still, he needed a break and there wasn’t any other way to get him to leave.”
Leaning forward, I squeeze her hand softly. “He just loves you.”
“I know.” She sighs. “But I don’t want his life to stop because mine is coming to an end.”
I swallow and suck in a sharp breath. “Don’t talk like that, Mom.”
She’s right, but I don’t want to accept it, even if it seems that she has. It isn’t fair or right in any way. Then again, death never is, I suppose.
She pats my hand and her gaze turns soft and sympathetic.
“I’m sorry,” she replies, clearly realizing how her words affect me. “Let’s change the subject… tell me what’s new,” she says, making her voice brighter. “Did Gary get to the oil fields all right?”
“Yeah, he did,” I assure her. “I talked to him before coming here. He’s settled and ready to dive into work next month.”
“That’s good.” She sighs. “I always worry about him when he’s out there.”
“I know, Mom,” I nod. “I worry too.”
“And Marie? How is she?”
“She’s good too,” I assure her. “Busy with the library and family stuff. I know she misses you, but… you know how hard it is for her to see you like this. Especially with what happened to her mom.”
Marie’s mom, Andrea, and my mother were childhood friends. The two of them were inseparable for as long as I can remember until the accident took her. I know if she was still alive today, she wouldn’t have left my mother’s side. Part of me believes she’s here in spirit. That she herself will be the one to greet my mother when the time comes.
“I know…” She sighs, nodding her head. “But make sure you let her know that I love her, and that I understand she can’t come. I don’t want her feeling guilty about anything.”
“I will.”
She pats my hand weakly and sinks back into her pillows. Her eyelids start to flutter, and I can tell she’s struggling to stay awake now. Our short conversation has wiped her out.
“Go to sleep, Mom. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“You don’t have to stay,” Mom whispers, her eyes completely shut now.
I give her hand a squeeze and sit back in my chair to watch over her as she sleeps, my heart breaking a little more with each of her weak, rattling breaths.
It’s only a matter of time.
***
After leaving the hospital, I head straight for Marie’s house. I need an outlet to forget about the pain from the last few hours, even if it’s only a temporary relief. Marie has been my best friend since we were in diapers, so she knows how to cheer me up better than anyone.
When I reach her cute little house with rose bushes lining the front walk, I clear the three steps to her front door and hit the doorbell. It only takes a moment, and she opens the door in her bright pink robe, her dark brows furrowed in confusion.
Marie is stunning, even half-dressed and with no make-up on and her long brown hair pulled back into a messy bun. She’s tall and statuesque and could have been a model if she wanted, but she chose to work at the local library because she loves books more than anyone I know.
“Haven? What are you doing here?”
“We’re going out tonight,” I tell her, sliding past her into the entryway. “So you better find something to wear and take a shower.”
She blinks in confusion, closing the door behind me. “What? Why… is everything okay? You never want to go out. Unless, of course, it’s drinking with your brother.”
“I just need to burn off some steam. Especially after spending the afternoon at the hospital…”
Marie’s bright brown eyes widen with instant realization and a flash of pain crosses her expression that she quickly masks. She does that for my sake, I know. But she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t have to hide how much my mom being sick hurts her.
“Okay… yeah, just give me a minute.” Before I can say a word, she wraps her arms around me and gives me a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I know what you’re going through right now is brutal…”
I hug her back, soaking in the warmth of her compassion and care. It’s moments like this that make me want to break down and cry. And if it wasn’t for Marie, I probably wouldn’t be able to make it through all this stuff with mom.
Marie’s my rock in so many ways.
“Thanks,” I mutter into her skin, holding on tight. “It’s so awful seeing her like this. I can’t stand it, but she puts on such a brave face. It takes everything in me to keep it together.”
“I know.” She sighs, leaning back as she cups my face. “If you want to go out and have some fun to try and put this from your mind, we’ll do that.”
I give her a grateful smile, nodding my head. “Okay…”
“Drinks are on me tonight,” Marie teases me with a wink..
I scoff and chuckle, feeling lighter already. “As if we’d ever pay for our own drinks.”
She giggles and gives me another quick hug before we head to her room so that I can raid her closet. Even though she’s taller, she has a few pieces that fit me. Marie ends up in a bodysuit that hugs every curve, and I throw on a pair of high-waisted black shorts and a sparkly tank top.
“Can I borrow your curling iron?” I ask her.
“Of course,” she says as she grabs her make-up bag.
Several minutes later, Marie pulls on a pair of boots while I finish curling the ends of my auburn hair, frowning at myself in the mirror. I put on a few dabs of foundation and bronzer and blend it all in, curl my eyelashes, throw on some eyeliner on my water line, and cover my eyelids with a dark red shadow that hopefully will pop with my hair.
Marie has gone full-glam, of course, because that’s just who she is. She stands tall and stunning in her boots. She’s at least four inches taller than me even in my heels.
“What club are we going to?” she asks. “Any ideas?”
“There’s a new one—Tundra,” I tell her.
“Tundra,” she repeats with a shrug. “I’m down.”
Half an hour later, we’re in an Uber pulling up to the club, the bright red neon lights beckoning us in. It’s been forever since I’ve been to a proper club, and though I’ve never been to this one, I’ve only heard good things.
The moment we pass the double doors, we beeline for the bar.
“Shots?” I ask, grinning at her from ear to ear.
“Something white,” she says, wrinkling her nose. “Last time we had that cinnamon whiskey, I threw up for two days.”
“Don’t remind me.” I gag, shaking off the memory of how great it was going down but not coming back up.
Deciding to play it safe, I order us shots of top-shelf vodka and we take them down easily before I order a sex on the beach, and she orders a cosmopolitan. It’s been so long and I’ve been so preoccupied with work and caring for Mom, I can admit I’ve neglected myself.
Some might say that getting drunk and partying with strangers isn’t the smartest way to deal with my stress and grief, but those people can shove it. This is how I’m dealing with it tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out something healthier.
“How much?” I call out over the music.
The bartender waves me away, smiling. “The guys at the end of the bar took care of it.”
I glance in the direction he’s indicating and find two cute guys sitting together, grinning toward Marie and me. One is blonde, and the other is dark-haired, and they both raise their glasses when they catch me checking them out.
Like clockwork.
I smile and wave back before turning back to Marie. We’re early, so there’s barely any other woman in the club. But I’m not going to turn down a free drink.
“Told you,” I say to Marie as I lean in towards her.
She laughs, shaking her head before the two of us head over to where the guys are sitting.
“Hey there,” the blonde says as we draw near. “How are you ladies doing tonight?”
“Great,” I reply. “Thanks for the shots.”
“You’re welcome,” he replies. “The name’s Aaron.”
“I’m Haven.”
As I talk with Aaron, Marie chats up his friend James. They’re friendly and easy-going, and I indulge in a little flirting. It’s not something I do often because men really aren’t on my radar, but I remind myself that I’m having fun tonight. Letting loose.
And they’re providing free drinks. Which means I’m not thinking about anything sad or tragic.
About an hour later, I’m tipsy and shaking my ass on the dance floor, laughing with Marie and the guys without a care in the world. Aaron gazes down at me with clear interest, and I’m enjoying his attention, even if I already know I’m not going to do anything with him. Even a one-night stand is too much for me to take on right now because god forbid the hospital calls with an emergency and I’m in bed with a total stranger.
As his hands slide across my hips while I dance in front of him, I can’t deny how good it feels to be within his grasp. The conversation with my brother Garrett echoes in my mind. He wants me to find someone, so I’m not lonely. But it isn’t that easy, is it?
A small pang of guilt deep in my belly causes me to swallow deep as the small voice of uncertainty rings in the back of my head, whispering that Garrett might be right. I need to do something for myself.
Spinning in Aaron's arms, I try to ignore the voice and push the pang away. I can’t deal with Garrett’s worries right now. Not tonight… not for the next few days or even weeks. It will have to wait… at least until…
The thought of my mother causes my movements to slow. She needs me most right now.
Nothing else is important.
Aaron is fun, but he’s a momentary distraction that I’ll leave behind when I go back to my responsibilities. I’ll allow myself to enjoy tonight, but tomorrow morning, reality will return and I’ll put my focus back on my family and all the other people who need my attention and care.
At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters to me.
People in my situation don’t have time for love.