Fakecation

Chapter Twenty-Three

Amelia

Amelia woke up and her mind was racing. She hated it when she got like this. It only happened when stress was piling up, much like her email inbox had been the last few days.

People weren’t taking the gossip reminder well, and she still got curious glances or cruel glares in the hallway. On top of that, there was an employee who wasn’t happy about their allotted breaks, and she’d been the one to deal with the mediation for it.

Her medicine could stop a lot of things, but it didn’t fix it all. And when her brain ran wild, it didn’t matter that she was on it, her mind would never stop.

It was going to be a long day.

And worse, Daniel would probably notice.

“Hey,” he greeted her in a soft voice. “We’ll need to get ready to go soon.”

She groaned. The day had barely begun and she was already exhausted.

“I made you coffee and breakfast.”

“Thank you,” she said, forcing herself to get up. After a cup of it and her food, Daniel disappeared to the bedroom. There was something she needed to do, but she couldn’t remember what. Instead, she followed him to get ready as well.

By the time they were done, he kissed her on the cheek. The action sent butterflies down to her stomach, which then prompted her brain to remind her that this was fake and that he wouldn’t stay after he knew about her ADHD, and how much she wanted him around forever.

Daniel offered to drive into work, asking if she wanted anything else before they went to the office. The kindness brought tears to her eyes because he was so sweet, and she was going to miss this when he was gone.

The food helped her mood, but her brain was still a mess. She talked in circles, and she could tell he was having a hard time following her. When she got to work, she struggled to read emails. She got extra coffee, knowing it would help, and was maybe able to squeeze a few minutes of focus out of her brain. She had to pause and restart tasks a million times that day, which made everything more and more frustrating.

On her third walk of the day, she went up to the break room. She ran into Stacey, who was holding her face in her hands at a table. Amelia stopped when she saw her and then considered leaving Stacey to deal with whatever she was going through.

But that didn’t feel right, so she walked up and sat next to her.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Stacey looked up with wide eyes. They were red-rimmed.

“Oh, God,” Stacey said, her voice thick. “I know I should be working. I’ll get back to it.”

“No,” Amelia said. “I wasn’t asking you to get back to work. What’s wrong?”

She seemed to consider what she wanted to say. “My boyfriend is cheating on me.”

“Oh. Oh no. I’m so sorry.”

Her brain gave her a dozen other things she could say, ranging from, “Why would he cheat on someone so nice?” to “Kill him.”

But none of it was helpful.

“It’s okay. He’s been distant but . . . I found out last night, and right now, he’s packing up his things.” Stacey laughed humorlessly. “He sent me a photo of our apartment . . . It’s nearly empty.”

Amelia placed her hand on Stacey’s shoulder. “That’s terrible.”

She took a shaky breath. “It wasn’t going to work out anyway, but I just couldn’t deal with work stuff while I was upset.”

Amelia could definitely relate.

“Why don’t you take the day off?” she offered.

“I can’t just leave,” Stacey said. “I’m needed here.”

“Yes, but taking a day off will be better for you in the end. And besides, I’m literally the director of HR. And I give you permission.”

“Are you sure?”

Amelia nodded, giving her a warm smile. Stacey’s face was awash with gratefulness.

“Thank you,” she said. “I think I’m going shopping. It might make me feel better.”

“Get some new furniture while you’re at it,” Amelia encouraged. “I hear HomeGoods has a sale, or hell, even IKEA. Plus, the meatballs are amazing. You should go.”

Stacey nodded and stood from the table. She looked to be in better spirits. Amelia felt good about getting her to go home, and then it hit her that maybe she needed to take her own advice.

But not today. She needed to at least get something of substance done before she left.

She made her coffee before walking back to her office. She glanced toward where Daniel’s office was and saw Dana walking toward it.

It did not help her mood.

In the deep, dark parts of her mind, she wondered if maybe he was interested in Dana in some way. She had no evidence, but what if? Maybe now that he’d gotten over Lucinda, everyone was fair game. Maybe someone else in the office was better than Amelia.

And that thought lingered throughout the day.

It didn’t help that Daniel stayed late, and she was tempted to see if Dana stayed late as well, but she was far more professional than that.

So, she went home and tried not to think about it.

But her anxiety was high, and she tried to clean the apartment, doing everything she could to distract herself. It worked for a bit, until it didn’t.

It was both a benefit and a curse that her brain worked so fast. When she was in control of it, she could get so much done. But on bad days, it was like she was snowballing down a hill with no brakes. She would find the worst thing to think about and then never let it go. It was like picking at a wound.

And it was exactly what she was doing now. Even while she was cleaning, all the things she didn’t want to think about—Dana and Daniel, and even Andrew—were all at the forefront of her mind.

She knew Daniel wasn’t like Andrew, yet she was terrified he was. She knew she needed to tell him about her ADHD, but she couldn’t. She knew he would never date a subordinate, but her mind saw it anyway.

At seven, Amelia lay on her couch and sighed. There was nothing else to do, and she felt like she was losing it trying to avoid everything, and the last thing she needed was to still be acting off while Daniel was here.

She wasn’t sure what to do with herself, so she decided to go on a run.

There was a two-mile path that she loved to take. It had hills and plenty of turns to keep her interested. She had about an hour and a half before the sun set for the day, so she pushed herself and hoped she would be back before eight.

She seriously didn’t think that Daniel would even have come home by then. He seemed so busy.

As she ran, the challenge of it forced her to only think about the road in front of her. This was exactly what she needed, and she was so into it that she turned her phone off, just to make sure she wouldn’t be tempted to check social media—a habit that always made her feel worse about herself.

Amelia beat her goal of getting back by eight by five minutes. She felt exhausted and her legs ached but in a good way. She knew she had done the right thing.

She leisurely checked her mail as she took the stairs to her apartment, feeling better than she had all day. She unlocked her door, thinking of a bath, when she saw a shadow in her living room that made her nearly scream.

“There you are,” Daniel said, his voice laced with annoyance. “Where were you?”

Amelia stared at him for a long moment. She had been so focused on her run that she had totally forgotten that he was even staying with her.

“I was running.”

“I texted you five times and you never answered.”

“I turned off my phone to focus. It was a rough day.”

His eyes softened, but she knew she had still annoyed him by not being home.

Anxiety crawled down her back.

“I didn’t know where you were.”

“I didn’t know when you were coming home,” Amelia replied, feeling a bit defensive, but she forced out a breath of air and tried to let it go. “I’m sorry.”

He paused for a long moment. His face was set in a frown, and she could feel all of the worry of her day come back at her.

“You’ve been off today. What’s going on?”

She wasn’t sure how to answer that. Her mind filed through the day, like a mail sorter who was two days behind, and the worst words came out of her mouth.

“What do you think about Dana?”

He blinked. “I don’t think anything about her, other than I’ve told her to let me work.”

“But like . . . if you had to.”

“The only way I think about her is as my employee. Nothing else.”

“But—”

“Amelia, there is nothing else.”

His voice was firm, and she felt like an idiot. “It’s just . . . you can have anyone. And after Cheryl saying you would go after a younger, prettier woman, and the fact that I overheard them talking shit about me—”

“Hang on. Who was talking about you?”

“Dana and Andrea. They said that I was only a fling and the first relationship after a marriage never works out, which is so insulting, by the way.”

“She—” he nearly snapped, but then he took a deep breath to calm himself. Shit. He was mad at her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you upset with her over something personal.”

“Personal or not, that is incredibly inappropriate for her to say.”

“Yeah, I’m aware,” she muttered. “But I can’t just snap my fingers and make her stop. I sent out that email, all right? That’s about all I can do.”

“I can talk to her.”

“No, I don’t want you doing that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want personal issues messing with work. You said she’s a good employee so there’s no need to mess that up just because she’s being petty.”

“You’re my girlfriend. I have a right to defend you against that kind of stuff.”

“Fake girlfriend,” she reminded. “Which is why I shouldn’t have even been upset. We’re supposed to end.”

Daniel shook his head. “Is that really what you think? That there is some version of this where I leave you at the end of it?”

She blinked, heart pounding. “I don’t know why you would stay.”

And she didn’t. She’d messed up today by not being home when he was. She couldn’t form a decent thought to save her life, and she’d made him angry by bringing up Dana. She’d screwed up at every turn.

“I have a million reasons why I would stay.”

“But—”

“Amelia, I want this to be real.”

“But it’s not.”

Annoyance crossed his face again, and another voice spoke.

“God, Amelia. Everything going wrong in this relationship is because of you!”

“Are you saying that because you don’t want it to be real?” Daniel asked.

“No . . . I mean . . . I don’t know.”

“Answer me, Amelia. Why can’t you just figure it out for once in your life?”

“I just need to know what you expect of me. And if this will only ever be fake to you.”

Amelia didn’t answer. She couldn’t.

“Please, I just need an answer.”

But she was no longer in her apartment. She was back at her old place, the one she shared with Andrew.

“Answer me,” Andrew demanded. “Answer me right now.”

“I don’t have an answer, okay? I’m having a hard time right now with my—”

“What? With your ADHD?” The words were said mockingly. “You blame everything on that shit, Amelia. Grow up!”

“But it’s what’s going on!”

“Ugh! I’m sick of it!” Andrew yelled. He had been facing away from her, but he grabbed his phone, turned, and hurled it at her.

A hand grabbed her arm and she screamed, covering her head to protect her from an object heading right for her.

Then there was silence.

No phone hit the wall. No hands touched her and no objects shattered. Andrew didn’t continue yelling and throwing other things.

Nothing happened because she wasn’t in the old place anymore.

Daniel was standing in front of her, but he took a step back, his eyes wide. He looked at her like she was . . .

Crazy.

“Oh God.” Amelia sank to the floor, shaking as she remembered the last night she and Andrew had ever spent together. She put her hands over her face, unable to meet Daniel’s eyes.

She had been scared that he was going to hit her, of all things—that he was going to be like Andrew, who blamed everything on anyone he could find. She’d screamed as if Andrew had approached her, not Daniel.

He was silent, and she couldn’t expect anything else out of him. She was surprised he was even still in the apartment after what he’d just seen.

But it had been like she was back there, that specific night. All she could see was the terrible memories playing out over and over again.

And it hit her then. She’d heard of this before. PTSD. She never imagined she could have it, but she’d never been in a position like this before, arguing with someone she cared about because deep down, she’d been afraid of this happening.

And now it was going to push Daniel away.

Andrew had ruined her. That was just another thing to add to the laundry list of issues she had, issues that made her entirely wrong for anyone. Why would Daniel ever want to be with someone who was a basket case like she was, especially after leaving someone like Lucinda?

She wasn’t keeping her breath slow, and soon, she felt the tingling in her hands and the numbness in her face that told her she was having a panic attack.

“Amelia,” Daniel started. “Do you want me near you?”

She couldn’t answer. Her hands pressed into her face tighter.

“J-just go,” she managed to choke out. “You don’t have to stay for this.”

“No,” he said, which surprised her. She looked at him, and he was kneeling in front of her. “I’m not leaving you.”

“You should. You should run and never look back.”

“That’s something a coward would do,” he said. “But I’m here, next to you, even when you’re not perfect. I will never run from you, Amelia. I’ll be the one running to you.”

He was lying. He had to be lying. No one would want to sit there and deal with someone who was an emotional mess and couldn’t get it together.

Except her dad.

Her mom.

John.

Daniel gently reached and brushed away a tear. She surprised herself by letting him.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

She could only stare at him. Her mind finally quieted, her breathing slowed, and the post-anxiety exhaustion hit her.

Amelia said thickly, “I think . . . I think I have PTSD.”

“From what?”

She looked at him. “Andrew. The last night we were together, he snapped and threw his phone at me. When I tried to pick it up, he . . .” She couldn’t say it, but she could feel it.

“He hit you, didn’t he?”

“Y-yes,” she choked out. “I left him after that. But the damage was done.”

He took a long, deep breath. When she looked up, his lips were pursed.

“You’re mad.”

“Of course I am. I don’t want anyone hurting you. Whether it’s someone petty like Dana and Andrea, or if it’s more serious.”

“B-but maybe I deserved—”

“You didn’t deserve it, no matter what you did.”

“Daniel . . . I . . .” She stopped herself from trying to figure out what she was going to say. “I’m . . . I’m messed up. I can’t remember things. I get behind on chores. I can’t focus or sit still.”

“None of that means you’re messed up.”

“I have ADHD. The me you see is only because I have to take medicine every day. I literally can’t function without it.”

She hadn’t told anyone since Andrew, and the words cracked as they came out. She looked back down at her hands and waited for Daniel to say he was leaving or that maybe she had deserved it this entire time.

“I know.”

“What? How did you know?”

“Because last night, I knocked your purse over and saw the medicine.”

“But . . . but I’m on a generic ADHD medication—not a known one. How would you know?”

“Google,” he said. “I didn’t know if it was for a heart problem or something I needed to know about.”

“And it didn’t change anything?”

“Other than me giving you space to take your medication and being sure you ate after taking it so you wouldn’t be sick, then no. None of it changes a thing.”

“O-oh,” she said. “But I didn’t . . . shit, I forgot to take it. No wonder I’ve felt like garbage today.”

Unneeded words filtered through her mind.

“So, this is the real you, then? Not all dumbed down by medication?”

“You don’t even need this poison.”

It was Andrew, haunting her once again.

Daniel stood and went to her purse, grabbing the bottle. She watched him, trying to think of ways to get it refilled if he threw it out.

“Here,” he said, holding it out to her with her bottle of water.

“What are you doing?”

“You need to take it. I’m sorry if me being here has made you feel like you couldn’t, but it’s good for you to be on what you need to function.”

Amelia reached out slowly with shaky hands and grabbed the bottle. She gripped it tight in her fist. “I . . . I’ll have to take it in the morning. It’ll keep me up all night if I take it too late. But t-thank you. I appreciate it.” She smiled.

“Then what would help? Dinner?”

“You’re not mad?”

“About what?”

“About me needing medication.”

“Absolutely not,” he replied. “I mean . . . I wish I had known sooner, but I get why you didn’t tell me. I figured it was the ex. I just didn’t know how bad it was.”

She wiped at her face, embarrassed. “Yeah. He was . . . awful. He didn’t believe in how much the medication was necessary for me to function. He’d make fun of me for needing it, and then when I wasn’t on it, I started showing symptoms, and I mean the nuanced ones, like forgetting the dishes, or not being able to listen, or going on tangents . . .” She blushed. “Like I’m doing now.”

Daniel’s lips pressed together. “Amelia, it’s fine. All of it is. He’s the one who was wrong.”

“I know,” she said. “And it’s not like I believe him now. It’s just . . . I grew up with this amazing family, and Andrew was so different, and he would say everyone thought like he did. So, I assumed that my family was different. Maybe everyone else was like him, so it became easier to just hide it. And then with dating, I didn’t think I could trust someone again.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“I’m starting to think I trust you,” she said.

“I’m honored you do.” He brushed a hand over her wet cheek. “And I’ll do my best to make sure you never feel like you’re not enough again. You’re safe when you’re with me. I can’t promise no one will ever hurt you, no matter how much I might want to, but I can promise that I’ll do my best to make sure it’s never me who does it.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you, and that means I am with you through all of it, never against you. And if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, but I just hope that one day you do.”

She couldn’t help the laugh of disbelief that came out of her mouth. “You’re kidding.”

“I’m not kidding,” he said. “I’m telling you the truth.”

She stared at him, trying to find signs of a lie.

She didn’t find any.

“But . . . What if I don’t do the dishes?”

“I can do them.”

“What if I need therapy again . . . like every week?”

“I’ll drive you to the appointments.”

“What if I have to change medication, and I get all annoying and loud, or talk in circles when I’m really trying to say something simple?”

“That’s fine. I love you for everything you are, ADHD and all, because you’re still you.Even when you’re struggling. You’re always Amelia, and that’s who I love. I would do it all for you if you would let me.”

She stared at him, her mind a jumbled mess. It sounded too good to be true. This had to be a dream.

But it wasn’t. She had seen real, healthy love before. In her mom and dad. This was what her dad preached. This was what helped her mom keep a level head all these years.

Daniel was here. He knew, and he wasn’t scared. He didn’t think she was lying. He didn’t think she was weak or stupid for needing the medication. He was just here.

“Okay,” she said, her voice soft and broken but still hers. “Please stay. I can’t let you do it all,but I know I need help.”

His lips turned upward. “And I will definitely do that.”

“And for the record?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

His smile only grew. “Is it okay if I kiss you now?”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Please.”

Daniel leaned forward, capturing her lips with his. And now, with all of her secrets out in the open, it felt like things were finally in their proper place.

There was nothing fake about them anymore. From now on, it would only be real.