27. Rochelle
27
ROCHELLE
I didn't hesitate when Caroline asked me to watch the kids while she entered rehab. Her eyes were filled with tears and desperation, and I couldn't turn her away in her moment of need. She was clear that she trusted me more than anyone, even Mimi. How could I say no?
My car rumbles to a stop in front of the new apartment building. It’s exterior is a beacon of promise and renewal. I turn off the ignition, and the kids eagerly unbuckle their seatbelts, spilling out onto the sidewalk. I could get used to pulling up to this place.
I pull Duplex’s cat carrier out of the car and turn to look. The building stands tall, freshly painted in a warm hue that welcomes us. Potted flowers surround the entrance, adding a touch of charm to the exterior. "Rochelle, come on!" Walken shouts. "We want to see what the inside looks like!"
I stand on the well-maintained lawn. "I'm coming." All I want to do is take this in, but I have two excited kids waiting for me.
"Here, you guys do the honors." I hand Sigourney the keys, and she unlocks the door. Walken twists the knob, and as they run inside, the moving truck pulls up with our things. I feel instant relief when I walk through the front door and set Duplex’s carrier down. We’re home.
"Where are we going to sleep?" Walken asks as I take them on a tour of our new apartment. "There's only one bedroom."
"Don't worry. You and Sigourney are going to share this room. I already told the movers to bring your beds in here." Luckily, Mimi was at work when the movers loaded the kid's things. "As soon as the guys put your things in there, you can set the room up however you'd like."
The marriage arrangement money from Frederick was my only option for a deposit and the first month's rent. I didn't want to touch it, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I keep telling myself I’ll finish paying him back before long to make myself feel better about it.
As the movers bring our things in, the kids run around the small space. I stand in the dining room, mesmerized by the beautiful trees outside the window. It’s a stark difference from the old apartment. I open the window and take a deep breath. The fall air swirls through my nostrils, and it's heavenly.
That's when it hits me. I can turn the dining room into my bedroom! It's big and open. There are a lot of windows, a beautiful chandelier hanging in the middle, and light oak floors that will match my bed frame. Plus, I would be okay waking up to this view daily.
"Sigourney, Walken, would you come in here?" I smile when I hear the pitter-patter of their fast-moving feet. I love that they're excited.
"What is it?" Sigourney asks, a little out of breath.
"I have a fun project for us to do. Are you in?"
"How can we agree when we don't know the project?" Walken asks as he laughs.
"I'm going to turn this room into my bedroom, and I want you guys to help me decorate it."
They both smile. "I love decorating!" Sigourney squeals. There's enough money from Frederick to splurge just a little.
An hour later, the children, full of enthusiasm, are eager to explore the home decor store. Colorful bedding, stylish curtains, and various decorative items fill the aisles.
"What about this?" Sigourney points to a fluffy pink rug. "It would look so cool in your new room."
"And these!" Walken says, standing next to a bin of sports posters. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but a fluffy pink rug and sports posters aren't exactly my style.
"Why don't we keep looking? I have a lot already. Let's stick to the few things I need. Curtains, a clock, a plant or two, and a nice picture for the wall."
"But everything is so cool! Can't we get it all?" I kneel at Walken's eye level.
"I wish we could, but it's not necessary." I don't need to burden them with money stresses, although he looks disappointed. "What if you both pick out one item that you think will look cool in your new room, and I will find stuff for my room? When we get back, we will decorate both rooms together."
The compromise appeases him, and they're off to the next aisle.
Shopping with the kids makes me think about Frederick. The last time I went shopping with them was with him. Don't think about it, Rochelle. You made your decision, and it was the right one.
"What about these?"
I clear a frog from my throat and turn around and see Sigourney holding up a lamp in the shape of a unicorn.
"That's awesome! Throw it in the cart, and let's hurry so we can return and unpack." The truth is, I want to get out of the store, and I want to stop thinking about Frederick. Decorating and unpacking will keep my mind busy, I hope.
The kids and I move my bed around the dining room until it’s in the perfect spot, next to the reading nook that has a bench. Perfect for a second bedside table and a place for some books.
We hang thick white blackout curtains and cover them with string lights and greenery, giving my room a whimsical forest look. We fill my bookshelf, hang a few pictures, and make my bed. With that, my ‘room’ is complete. “I love it, you guys. Thank you for being so helpful.”
The kids wanted to paint the walls, but I need my security deposit. “Can we draw on the walls?” Walken asks.
“Why don’t we draw pictures and hang them on the walls?” After hours of creative chaos, the walls begin to take on a personality of their own. I sit back, exhausted, and marvel at the rocket ship, unicorn, and superhero pictures the kids have taped to their walls. I look over to see they’re both laughing, and my heart swells. Knowing they are safe, knowing we are all safe, fills me with relief.
As evening approaches, my stomach screams at me. “What do you guys say we order pizza, grab all the blankets and pillows we can find, and watch a movie in my room?”
“Yay!” Walken screams.
“Can I pick the movie?”
“Yes, Sigourney. You can pick the movie.”
“Hey, that’s not fair! She always gets to pick everything.” Here we go. Here comes the other side of caring for children – the whining and arguing.
“How about she picks the movie tonight, and you pick the next movie we watch? You guys can take turns.”
“I want to watch Home Alone !” Sigourney says.
“Yes! I love Home Alone ,” Walken agrees quickly.
I laugh. “Bet you didn’t think she would pick one of your favorite movies.”
An hour later, when our pizza arrives, we get everything situated in my room. The aroma of food fills the air as we settle in for movie night. However, though physically present, my mind wanders onto a subject I’ve been ignoring. Frederick’s absence weighs heavy on me. It’s a void that even the vibrant hues on the walls can’t fill.
“What’s wrong, Rochelle?” Sigourney asks as she shoves a bite of pizza into her mouth.
“Yeah, Rochelle, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired, and it’s been a long day. Moving is exhausting.” They don’t buy it for a second, but what am I supposed to tell them? I miss Frederick, and I wish he was here with us. I’m embarrassed about my meltdown and the way that I shoved him away, but it’s too late to undo it now.
Sometimes, I think I should try to call him, but other times, I can’t even bring myself to answer his calls. Still, I’m not going to say all that to them. They’re kids, they couldn’t possibly understand. I’m not sure I understand, if I’m being honest.
“Why don’t you just call him? You obviously miss him.” I stare blankly at Sigourney. “We're not stupid, Rochelle. We can tell you miss him.”
Walken laughs. “Yeah, it’s so obvious.”
“Oh, yeah. How did you two become so smart?”
They both shrug. “We were just born that way, I guess,” Sigourney suggests.
I burst out laughing.
“You’re good at a lot of things. But there’s something you’re not so good at,” Walken adds.
“Oh, really? And what might that be?”
“You’re not good at accepting good things that come your way. You’re afraid of getting used to them so you’d rather not have them at all..”
My eyes widen in surprise.
“Yeah, you sabotage yourself,” Walken says pointedly, sounding much older than I ever expected from the eleven year old.
“Okay, you two. Enough of this grown-up talk. Finish your pizza, and let’s watch Kevin trick these two robbers.”
I find myself glancing at my phone throughout the movie, paying more attention to it than the show. His calls are getting fewer and further between, and I can’t really blame him. Not only did I tell him to leave me alone, but I’ve been ignoring him when he does call.
The silence of my phone makes me wonder if he’s finally given up on me. It’s what I thought I wanted, but now the thought leaves a hole in my chest.
If he ever does call again, will I be brave enough to answer?