Chapter 1 #2
She had only just begun to explore her complicated and confusing feelings when they’d gotten careless. A forgotten condom. A first for him, if he was to be believed, and she did believe him because she’d forgotten as well. And she was usually extremely diligent about checking.
Frankly, Kenny was surprised that that was the first time they’d forgotten a condom. They’d been so combustible back then and burned out of control every single time they’d made love.
One forgotten condom resulting in an unexpected but not wholly unwanted pregnancy, and Kenny had found herself plunged into uncertainty. About him, about them. The flirty lightheartedness had completely and almost instantly disappeared from their burgeoning relationship.
As had the carefree, explosive sex.
All that had remained was tension, unease, awkwardness, and an inability to communicate. And a few sexual encounters which—while good—had never gotten close to matching their pre-pregnancy encounters.
Although, Kenny knew she was largely to blame for the latter. She tended to close herself off when she had more to lose. And with Smith she feared the losses would be catastrophic and leave her broken beyond repair.
“Did you?” he prompted when she remained silent.
His voice was harsh, laced with contempt and cynicism. And when she still couldn’t find a response to the question about whether she had—or did—love him, he swore viciously beneath his breath and then sneered at her.
“I can’t live like this anymore,” he decided, frost on the edges of each word. “I can’t live with you anymore. I can’t talk to you, Kenna. You give me absolutely nothing to work with. You’re too terrified of relinquishing an ounce of that control.”
She floundered, searching for something to say, something to fix this. Because now that her worst fears were coming to fruition, now that the moment that she’d been expecting for a year and a half was finally here, Kenny found that she wasn’t ready for it. She wasn’t ready to give him up.
She tried for a rational voice, hoping to instill some calm into this emotionally fraught moment. Even though she felt far from it. The panic clawing its way from her stomach up into her throat, was a living thing, fighting to find its way out by any means possible.
“I think—” Her voice was unsteady and she paused for a moment, trying to compose herself. “If we applied ourselves, we could still…still save this marriage. We could have a good life together and—”
The obscenity that flew from his mouth startled them both. And she stared at him with huge eyes, his unpredictable mood stunning her.
“There’s nothing to save. It’s over. It never really began,” he told her from between gritted teeth, clearly fighting to maintain the calm she usually so admired in him.
“I’ve tried to make this work. For a year and a half I’ve tried.
But we have nothing in common. And the thought of adding an innocent child into this cold, sterile atmosphere, I can’t even…
” His jaw clenched as he bit off what he was about to say and stared at her for a long moment as if deciding whether to say it anyway.
“You’re like a Barbie doll. All this waxy perfection on the outside but nothing substantive on the inside.
I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried, but liking you is hard, Kenna. And loving you? Fucking impossible.”
Kenny was numb. She felt like she was wading through mud. Thick, viscous, chest-deep mud. It suffocated her, slowed her reactions, and—blessedly—stifled her emotions.
She was on autopilot, smiling at the right times, trying to make conversation with Niall’s lovely, somewhat shy, new wife Fern, while always aware of Smith quietly brooding in the background. He hadn’t said much since that last painful indictment in the bathroom.
She hadn’t spoken to him either. She’d retreated, fled like a wounded animal seeking a safe, dark haven where she could hole up and lick her wounds…or maybe wither up and die.
But she didn’t have the luxury of taking shelter for too long.
She’d had to cocoon herself within the shredded remnants of her pride and dignity, drag her mask firmly back in place, and climb into a car with the man who’d just emotionally eviscerated her.
And then they’d both had to put up a pretense of normalcy for her family.
Only Smith wasn’t pretending. He wasn’t even trying to make it look like they were okay. He didn’t bother exchanging pleasantries with any of her brothers or their wives and had been steadily drinking since arriving half an hour ago.
Kenny tried to focus on other things, tried to put the conversation she’d had with Smith to the back of her mind for now.
“Where’s your father?” Fern asked. She and Niall had arrived late, both smiling, eyes glowing.
Even in her own distracted state, Kenny could tell that her brother was different.
The possessive, almost predatory, way he stared at Fern when he thought no one was watching was enough to make anyone blush.
Kenny had met Fern only once before but she quite liked her, even though she wasn’t sure they could, would, or should be friends.
Not when the woman was a temporary fixture in their lives.
As a result she’d found herself unable to truly relax around Fern.
And she sensed a similar reservation in the other woman.
Beth appeared to have no such qualms and, as was her way, had immediately warmed to Fern. The two seemed to have bonded in a way Kenny had been unable to with either woman. She liked Beth, but her sister-in-law always seemed a little uneasy in her presence.
Kenny didn’t have many—or any—close female friends. She’d always been a bit of a loner, the outsider in every group. And honestly, other women didn’t seem to like her much at all. It was hard for her to relate to women like Beth who had a number of close friends.
“His flight was delayed,” Kenny told Fern. “He only arrived about forty minutes ago. According to Beth, he’s freshening up and will join us soon.”
“He must be exhausted.” Fern was much too sweet for her own good and looked concerned. Kenny said something about her father enjoying making an entrance and being an attention hog.
She wasn’t fully invested in this exchange, especially not when she caught sight of Smith topping up his drink yet again. He looked up and caught her watching him. His gaze sharpened and he began moving toward her, his movements spare, graceful.
Fern laughed at whatever throwaway comment Kenny had just made. She couldn’t quite remember what exactly she’d said and to make up for that lack of attention, as well as to ease her nerves while Smith approached her at a snail’s pace, she desperately searched for a new topic of conversation.
Fern was staring up at Beth and Gideon’s over-the-top Christmas tree and Kenny desperately grasped at that straw.
“Gideon and Beth really go overboard this time of year.”
Well, way to sound like a Grinch, McKenna!
But Fern smiled, her eyes bright with excitement.
“Oh my God, I love it!” she said, her voice loud and enthusiastic. Wow. The girl really seemed to like Christmas decorations.
“Oh, you’re one of those,” Kenny said unthinkingly, amused by the other woman’s enthusiasm. She found it charming, and from what she knew about Fern’s background, the excitement was understandable.
“One of what?”
“A holiday whore.” It was a joke. Maybe a bad one? Kenny wasn’t great at small talk or quips. But she liked Fern and thought maybe…
Fern choked on her drink, then laughed. Warmly. Genuinely. And Kenny’s lips lifted in response to that sincere amusement. She was immensely gratified by the other woman’s obvious appreciation of her off-color comment.
“What even is that?” Fern asked, her voice still bright with laughter.
And Kenny leaned into that, inserting a dryness into her voice that she hoped the other woman would understand and appreciate, “Someone who lives for this shit. The decorations, the food, the tinsel…”
“Bah humbug and all that, right, McKenna?” Kenna froze at the bitter voice coming from just behind her.
She’d been so diverted by the warmth of this exchange that she’d actually forgotten for the tiniest of moments about her husband’s approach.
And his sour interruption leeched all the joy out of the moment.
“Nothing as human as a little Christmas cheer for my frosty little snow woman.”
He kept his voice light, but Kenny could hear the acid dripping off every word and from the way the light dimmed in Fern’s eyes, she knew the other woman heard it too. Her stomach churned and humiliation burned its way into her gut.
Fern forced a smiled and tried to lighten the moment.
“I get how some people might think it’s a lot, but I love it.
” She went on to describe her past Christmases, how she’d spent them at boarding school, without family.
And while Kenny listened, she could barely hear over the heavy, frantic beat of her own heart.
Smith was still staring at her, something close to hatred in his eyes, a cruel twist on his beautiful lips.
And, embarrassingly, her eyes flooded with tears. She knew he saw them, because that sneer faded and the loathing in his eyes retreated to be replaced with…concern? Regret? She couldn’t be sure. She cast her eyes down to the floor as she beat back the tears through sheer force of will.
When she felt capable of looking back up, it was to see Smith retreating back to the liquor cabinet.
Fern’s valiant conversational attempts to alleviate the awkwardness had dwindled into silence, but she remained standing quietly beside Kenny.
The stalwart silence coming from the other woman oddly made Kenny feel supported, even cared for.
She met her sister-in-law’s concerned and sympathetic gaze and gave her a small smile, saddened that their moment of almost friendship had been so thoroughly ruined by Smith.