Chapter 21 Brave Face
brAVE FACE
CLEO
DON’T EVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY.
My dad told me that, way back when I played hockey with boys. He said that if they sensed weakness, they would go after me even harder. The only way for a girl to succeed was to be stronger than the guys.
And, somehow, that became my life philosophy. Nothing can hurt me—insults, injuries, breakups, are all nothing. I laugh it all off and transform my pain into funny stories. Like my legendary ex-boyfriend tales.
But losing Mats isn’t something I can slough off so easily.
Everything I’ve lost keeps looping through my mind.
How sweet Mats is. His subtle sense of humour.
His kindness. His eyebrow language. The way he treated me like I was beautiful, sexy, and special.
How gorgeous he is, inside and out—he’s truly golden.
And now it’s all gone. Not even one more second of being cradled in his strong arms, feeling treasured for the first time in my entire life.
And the most shattering discovery is that I’m in love, for the very first time.
Because how can it hurt this much if it’s not love?
As usual, I’m too fucking late to the party, and now I’ll never get to tell Mats how I feel.
I push down my emotions, powering through our two weekend games, both wins. We clinch first place. I even fake being happy and celebrating with my teammates. It’s my duty as captain. Besides, it’s my own fault. Mats is right. I straight-up lied, so I deserve to lose the best guy I’ve ever known.
Late Saturday night, when my games are over and I’m finally back home, I head up to my room and let my brave face fall away. I wait until my roommates have gone to bed, and then I take a shower.
All the tears I’ve been holding back finally come, muffled by the noise of the shower. I sob and sob into the stream of water. It doesn’t ease the ache in my chest, but I’m exhausted enough to sleep.
Sunday is my mother’s birthday party. It’s pretty much the last thing I want to do, but I can’t cancel. I get dressed. When I put on the burgundy top that Mats picked just for me, it only reminds me that I’ll never get to go shopping with him again.
Hey. My roommates are sitting around the dining room table. They stare at me cautiously, like I’m made of glass and the wrong word will shatter me. Shit, did they hear me crying?
You look good, Woolly says.
I know, a miracle, right? My joke lands wrong, and no one laughs.
Everything okay? Becks asks. Her voice is gentle, which is a shock, because she’s had little sympathy for my current situation.
I told her everything that happened, and her advice was to crawl back to Mats, confess to being an idiot, tell him I believed only him, and beg to get back together.
When I asked what I was supposed to do about my family, all she said was, Your family sucks. Not exactly helpful.
Yeah, fine, I lie. Because that’s what I do, right, Mats? Lie about the important stuff, like how much I miss you. And it’s not just the amazing sex, it’s his support. He always had my back. That’s why I went straight to see him when I was upset, which was one of my dumber ideas.
I get out the bread and make myself PB he works at a private school in a neighbouring town. But he does have that Ned Flanders niceness of some high school authority figures.
Thanks for all this, I tell him, as we park in front of my mom’s house, since the driveway is already jammed. Not only the ride, but the advice too.
You’re most welcome. I’m flattered that you confided in me. He gives me a fatherly smile. Graham is divorced, but he never had kids, so maybe I’m as close to a daughter as he’ll get. Aside from the hundreds of students he works with, of course.
After talking to Graham, I take the big chip off my shoulder when I greet my mom.
It’s a madhouse inside with all my mom’s family and friends.
She’s the youngest of three sisters, so it’s not only my aunts and uncles, but their kids and grandkids too.
Plus, my mom has friends from her book club, her hiking club, and her volleyball league.
Both my parents are athletic, but it’s actually my mother who competed in volleyball at the college level. Our little house is packed with people.
Clee! My mother emerges from the crowd. She’s wearing a pretty dress with a pattern that looks like Monet’s water lilies. My mom loves dresses, and the family joke is that she wanted a daughter to dress up but got me instead. She holds me at arm’s length and takes me in. You look so lovely today.
I blush. Uh, thank you. It’s a new top. Well, not actually new, but new to me.
A very good colour for you, she says. I don’t thank her, since the compliment actually belongs to Mats.
Happy birthday. I hug her and kiss her cheek. Then I pass her a gift bag containing the necklace I found when Mats and I wandered down the main street of St. Viola.
Thank you, Clee. Should I open it now, or wait?
Now, of course. Because I can never wait for anything, even a reaction.
She takes the pendant out of the tissue and holds it up. It’s a silver chain with an aquamarine in a sleek silver setting.
Oh, it’s beautiful. Help me put it on. My mother turns around and lets me fasten the necklace. When she turns back, her hand is on the pendant. It goes perfectly with my dress, and it’s my birthstone. What a lovely present. Thank you, sweetheart.