Chapter 22 The Apology Tour
THE APOLOGY TOUR
MATS
WHEN I WAKE UP ON MONDAY MORNING, THERE’S A MESSAGE FROM CLEO.
I’m not even sure I want to read it. She can be so chaotic. At first, it was part of her appeal, but now it’s just another problem.
But fuck it, I can deal.
Cleo: I really need to talk to you. When can we meet?
Exasperated, I reply: This is not how breaking up works. It’s better if we keep some distance.
Cleo: Please. It’s really important.
Sorry. I’ve got enough going on right now. Maybe down the road we can be friends again. But right now, it’s too much.
It’s too painful to have to keep seeing her.
Our time together was… incredible. But I’m still pissed about her lies.
I feel like a fool for trusting her. It’s my own fault, for not pushing the issue and finding out exactly what went down between her and her brother.
Or maybe it’s my fault for dating Jordan Nelson’s sister.
There’s no way we could have worked out.
Cleo and I don’t exist in a world by ourselves.
Cleo: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, right?
I already wrote to Barb. I explained that we have too much on with playoffs and mid-terms. I suggested the dinners could resume after spring break, but maybe change things up a bit. Like bring different players.
Cleo: You mean not you and me alone anymore?
Yeah. You could go with Becks, or another teammate. We’ll tell Marjorie that we broke up and it’s too painful.
Which it is. I could pretend to be a couple before we’d been together, but I can’t do it any longer. I’m serious about needing time and distance. It’s all too raw right now.
I can see Cleo typing, but no message appears.
As I wait, I wonder what I even want her to say.
Because there’s nothing that can put us together again.
I’m going to do what I should have done back in January: take a complete step back from dating.
I tried before, but Cleo slipped under my defences.
When I was getting all those ridiculous DMs, Cleo was the one person who wouldn’t ever be interested in me.
It felt safe to spend time together, and we got to know each other almost by accident.
Maybe we should never have slept together. It’s easy to imagine having Cleo as a buddy, just the way she is with my roommates. She can flop onto the couch and make conversation with anyone.
If only she hadn’t revealed so much in front of me; telling Marjorie about her failed relationships and the guys who tried to change her.
Because that’s what made her even more appealing—to be the person who could appreciate all the wonders of Cleo.
I liked her big heart, her strong and pliant body, her humour, and her unwavering confidence.
That was the thing I most wanted to learn from her: how to be that strong-minded. But I never expected the lying.
No message appears in the end, which is fine with me. We’re over, and it’s time to get ready for class.
I head over to campus early for a meeting with the Athletic Council.
It’s probably an update on the drug issue.
Zee and I have been doing some half-hearted surveillance, but we haven’t found any indication of a widespread drug problem.
Or any problem at all, really. We discussed a couple of guys who might be using something to get hyped for games, just based on performance—but we have no proof.
When I get to the meeting room, Jane Coughlin, the assistant to Roger Gordon, is waiting outside the door.
Roy, can I have a word, please? She looks quite nervous, which sets off alarm bells.
I follow her into a small side room. Just before we go inside, I see Zee come around the corner. He gives me a nod and disappears into the meeting room.
What’s up? I ask.
Jane coughs into her hand. I’m sorry, but Mr. Gordon has requested that you no longer attend today’s Athletic Council meeting.
I’m shocked. Why not?
You may be in a conflict of interest. I’m afraid I can’t say more right now, but he hopes to be able to explain further at a later date.
That’s very vague. Is it something that I’ve done? I assume that it has nothing to do with the men’s team, since Vik is still attending.
You personally have done nothing wrong. But her words are so careful and specific.
Will I be able to rejoin the Council later? It’s something I take pride in, as well as being a part of my bigger career plan. Also, the optics of being removed from Council would not be ideal for my résumé.
I’m so sorry that I can’t say more. As I said, hopefully the director will be able to talk to you at some point.
Since this conversation seems to be stressing Jane even more than me, I thank her and leave. I guess the tables are turned, as now I’m the one butting my head against the wall of confidentiality.
I head towards the gym, where at least I can fit in a quick workout now that I have no meeting. The door of Coach Norman’s office flies open and I almost walk into it.
Oh, sorry. Did I almost—
I freeze at the sound of Cleo’s voice. Why is she in my coach’s office? Does this have to do with me?
It’s fine. I walk away as quickly as I can, but it’s not like I can outpace another athlete.
She follows closely. Mats, I know you don’t want to talk to me. But we’re both here now and it will only take a few minutes.
I sigh heavily and turn. What were you doing in Coach Norman’s office?
It’s part of my apology tour. You were the first stop, but since you didn’t want to see me.
She raises a shoulder in an expressive shrug.
Cleo is wearing a navy coverall with her down jacket tucked under one arm.
She looks exactly as she always does: fresh-faced and strong.
Her blue eyes are full of hope. I have to look away, because it’s too much—the way she makes herself so vulnerable.
Why were you apologizing to Coach?
This is going to be ass-backwards if I tell you that, so let me start from the beginning.
You were right, and I was wrong. I totally fucked up with my family.
I’ve spent all this time resenting my mom and trying to make my dad happy.
I’ve driven myself to play better, so he’ll finally realize that I’m the athlete he always wanted.
But it could only ever be Jordan. Maybe because he raised Jordan or maybe because I’m not a boy.
I tense at the mention of Jordan, and Cleo nods.
Of course, you were right about him too.
He didn’t tell me what happened between the two of you, but he showed me that he’s a racist in another way.
I also realized how lazy he is. He could have gotten into another hockey program, but he didn’t even try.
He’s not playing at all anymore, just partying and working at the job my dad got for him.
There’s no way the two of you would ever have been in competition, and I feel like a fool for ever having believed him. About anything, ever.
She coughs and clears her throat. I feel awful that I vouched for him.
That’s what I was apologizing to Coach Norman about.
I believed Jordan when he told me about the name-calling incident in high school.
I did check out his story, but I should have asked the opposition coach too.
Maybe Monarch wouldn’t have admitted him if I hadn’t said anything.
I get a brief glimpse into an alternate reality where Jordan Nelson never came to Monarch. But would Cleo and I ever have gotten together without our early friction? You can’t go down that what if road, because one change in the past triggers so many new outcomes.
Are we done? I know I’m being harsh, but it’s too much to have to keep reliving all this crap with Cleo. I’m glad she knows the truth now, but it’s too late.
She moves closer, so I can’t avoid looking into her expectant face.
There were funeral potatoes at my mom’s party. Everything reminded me of you and how great it would have been if you were there. How much fun things are with you.
Cleo. Please, don’t, I say, because, as usual, she telegraphs her intentions.
But there’s no stopping her. Mats, I’m so sorry that I didn’t take your side right away.
That I didn’t use my common sense. That I was a coward about confronting my brother.
But I finally did it. I think you would have been proud.
And that’s what I want now, to do things that impress you.
Because you’re the best, the most righteous person I’ve ever known.
I take a breath. She’s saying so many of the things I wanted her to realize earlier, but it’s too late.
What happened with your dad? I ask.
Well, not too much. He didn’t say fuck-all when I told off Jordan, but he heard it all.
So, he’s good with us going out now?
It didn’t come up, because I said we were broken up. But I’ll tell him if we’re together again.
Does she not see the problem here? It feels like a frustrating circle. Sure, Cleo’s enlightened about her brother’s true nature now, but that doesn’t change how her family feels about me.
Please, Mats. It’s only been a few days; can we not go back to where we were? Everything was so great between us. Truly, you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. And I think I was good for you too.
I understand Cleo. I feel for her. She adores her father, and he doesn’t want me in her life—no amount of explanation is going to change his mind. I honestly don’t want to be the reason she gets alienated from her family.
My eyes meet her hopeful gaze. Cleo, you’re a lovely person. There are lots of guys out there who you can date. And your family will welcome any of them.
That’s not true. My mother wants to meet you. My aunts will love you… Her voice breaks, and her eyes are glistening.
I have to look away. I long to hold her close and make her feel better. She’s happy by nature, and now she’s miserable. But the longer we drag this out, the more we keep hurting ourselves. I don’t want to go through this pain continually.
I step away. I’m so sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out with anyone so soon after a breakup. I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now.
I walk away rapidly, and this time, she doesn’t come after me. On my way out of the sports complex, I run into Knudy and Smitty.
You guys aren’t at the meeting either? I ask.
No, Coughlin stopped us, Smitty explains.
Knudy leans closer so we can’t be overheard. Did they kick out all the hockey players? Does that mean that the drug investigation is pointing to the hockey teams?
I shake my head. Zee was allowed in.
Smitty frowns. That makes no sense. How come he can go to the meeting and we can’t?
It’s really weird, Knudy agrees. What do the three of us have in common that he doesn’t?
Something scary occurs to me. Could it be Cleo? Has something happened with her that the Athletic Council needs to discuss? There are many possibilities, and none of them are good.