Chapter 15 #3
The chicken I’d been attempting to swallow nearly lodged itself in my throat. I coughed as Harley patted my back. “You’re saying I bred you? Like, alpaca-style?” The mental image made me want to dive under the table and strangle myself with the tablecloth.
My sister seized on the information. “Well, well, well. Who knew my little brother was such a stud? Tell us, Maylin, did he make that weird alpaca humming noise afterward?”
“Sawyer!” I hissed, my face burning hotter than the oven my mother had used to cook the chicken.
My sister feigned innocence. “What? I’m just trying to understand my brother’s romantic history. All of it. Including the four-legged, spitting parts.”
Harley shook with laughter beside me as Maylin nodded, oblivious to my mortification.
“Yes, he was quite the gentleman alpaca,” Maylin continued, unfazed by my near-death experience as she cut another piece of chicken. “The herders called him ‘El Conquistador,’ but I only knew his softer side.”
“I did not conquer you as an alpaca!” I protested, my voice cracking. “Can we please discuss literally anything else? The weather? Politics? The slow death of the universe?”
“Don’t be embarrassed, biscuit,” my mother chimed in. “It sounds like you were a very considerate alpaca partner.”
“We weren’t—I didn’t—” I stammered, looking at Harley for help, only to find him wiping tears from his eyes.
“Are you alright?” Harley asked, his voice wobbling between concern and barely contained amusement.
“Fine,” I wheezed, shooting him a glare that promised retribution later.
Maylin reached over and took my hand to press against her flat stomach. “Can you feel the soul remnants of the thousands of children I’ve borne you in all our past lives? How eager I am to grow your babies inside me again in this lifetime?”
I yanked my hand back faster than someone who’d just touched a hot stove, almost knocking over my water glass in a new dimension. My chair screeched against the floor as I leaned away from her, eyes wide with horror.
“That’s not a thing,“ I stammered, clutching my hand to my chest like she’d tried to bite it. “There are no soul remnants in your stomach!”
“It absolutely is,” Maylin retorted with an air of serene confidence. “Your seed has found fertile ground in me across centuries. Our cosmic connection is undeniable.”
“The only undeniable thing here is how uncomfortable this conversation is making everyone,” I squeaked, but found myself without allies.
Harley cleared his throat, his expression turning serious. “So, Maylin, you mentioned I’ve been stealing Ryker away across lifetimes. I’m curious, how many times have Ryker and I had children together in our past lives?”
Maylin’s calm demeanor vanished. “Seven hundred and seventy-three,” she replied with a hint of bitterness. “In the lifetimes where you stole him from me, you birthed his children four hundred and forty-two times, and he carried yours three hundred and thirty-one times when he was a woman.”
My jaw dropped. “That’s like eight hundred kids, which isn’t even possible.”
“Oh, my!” Mom clasped her hands together. “Ryker, you’ve been pregnant in past lives almost four hundred times? What a miracle of life.”
“That’s not—I didn’t—” I sputtered, but words failed me.
“You were especially fertile during your merman phase,” Maylin continued. “You had quintuplets three times in that incarnation alone. And don’t get me started on your centaur era.”
“Merman? Centaur?” I repeated, my voice hitting a new octave of disbelief. It wasn’t bad enough she insisted we’d been both people and animals, but now she was throwing in full-blown mythical creatures?
Harley’s face lit up with delight. “I knew it! I’ve always felt a natal connection to you, snookums.” He placed his hand on my stomach, giving it a tender caress that sent my stomach lurching in an approximation of morning sickness that I didn’t appreciate.
“Your womb energy is still so vibrant after all those centuries of pregnancies.”
I slapped his hand away. “Stop! I do not have womb energy! I’ve never been pregnant, nor will I ever be pregnant. That’s not how bodies work!” I felt trapped in a horror house of mirrors, where everything was wrong.
“In this lifetime, perhaps,” Maylin conceded. “But your soul remembers carrying all those children. You were quite maternal.”
“My soul needs therapy after this conversation,” I muttered.
Mom seemed delighted by the subject. “Do you think there’s any chance you might adopt in this lifetime? I’ve always wanted grandchildren, and Sawyer and Gia haven’t mentioned any plans yet.”
“Mom!” Sawyer protested.
“What? I’m just saying, if Ryker and Harley have this beautiful history of creating countless lives together, maybe they’ll continue the tradition.”
“There is no tradition!” I insisted, my voice reaching a pitch I didn’t know it could achieve. “We’re not pushing babies out of our penises!”
The laughter only made it worse. “Can we please go back to talking about alpacas?” I begged. “I think I preferred that conversation.”
“After dinner, I’ll show you the photo album of what our children looked like in our past lives,” Maylin offered. “I drew them based on my visions.”
“Absolutely not!” I exclaimed at the exact moment Harley chimed in, “I’d love to see them!”
Sawyer raised her glass again in a toast. “Congrats on being the most prolific child creator in the known universe.”
“That’s it. I’m moving to another country,” I announced to no one in particular. “Possibly another planet.”
Mom clapped her hands together in delight. “How fascinating! Ryker never mentioned any of this!”
“The memories often come back in stages,” Maylin said. “Some souls are more resistant to remembering their past incarnations. Ryker’s always been stubborn that way.”
“That sounds like my biscuit,” Mom agreed, nodding sagely.
I struggled to wrap my mind around the absurdity. “You can’t seriously believe—”
“Tell us more about your past lives together,” Sawyer interrupted, her eyes gleaming with mischief as she scooped up more mashed potatoes. “Any bizarre ones?”
Maylin took a moment to consider. “Well, there was that brief stint as competing court jesters for King Henry VIII. We attempted to one-up each other with dangerous acrobatic stunts. You met your demise trying to juggle flaming swords while balancing on a horse. I followed shortly after when I honored your memory by completing the stunt and accidentally set the queen’s dress on fire. ”
Gia snorted into her napkin. “That’s quite the way to go.”
Maylin warmed to the topic. “It wasn’t as dramatic as when we were rival pirates in the Caribbean.
Ryker captained the fearsome Black Serpent, while I commanded the illustrious Crimson Lady.
We would chase one another across the seven seas, boarding each other’s ships for passionate encounters before resuming our rivalry.
You perished attempting to impress me by swinging from your ship to mine on a rope, only to miss and plunge into shark-infested waters. ”
“Of course I did,” I muttered, pushing my roasted chicken around my plate. My appetite had disappeared, replaced by a growing sense of unreality.
“I bet you really plundered her booty,” Harley teased. A fresh wave of chaos broke over the table as Sawyer snorted into her napkin. Maylin’s mouth pressed into a disapproving line. “What about your current life? How did you recognize Ryker this time?”
“Oh, I always find him,” Maylin replied with unwavering confidence. “I’ve been tracking his soul signature since I was a child. When Jacinta mentioned Ryker needed a date, I knew it was time to rendezvous with my star-crossed lover. Our souls are cosmically entangled, you see.”
“That’s so romantic,” my mother sighed.
I shot her a betrayed look. “Mom, you can’t be serious.”
“What? I think it’s lovely.” She turned back to Maylin as she resumed eating. “So, what happens now that you’ve found each other again?”
Maylin smiled. “Usually, we fall madly in love, indulge in some intense passion, have children, and then at least one of us dies tragically. It’s our pattern.”
“That sounds terrible,” I said, finally finding my voice. I set down my fork beside my barely touched dinner, giving up any pretense of eating in my growing distress.
“Oh, it’s not so bad. The deaths tend to be quite spectacular.” She patted my hand. “Don’t worry, I’ve been consulting my spiritual advisor to break the cycle this time. I have high hopes we can make it through this lifetime without any fatal accidents.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you,” Harley said, his voice thick with suppressed amusement as he took another bite of chicken.
“Well, we don’t want a repeat of our Victorian era when you tripped over a loose floorboard and fatally impaled yourself.
It was quite the unfortunate turn of events.
I broke my neck after a dramatic tumble down the stairs.
Admittedly, that was one of our more inglorious endings.
But if the stairs hadn’t done me in, the green arsenic dye in my dresses would’ve finished the job. ”
For once, I was at a complete loss for words as the table erupted into giggles. Dad continued eating his potatoes, seemingly determined to finish his dinner despite the bizarre conversation.
Maylin frowned, narrowing her eyes as she glanced between Harley and me. It was as if someone had flipped a switch, transforming her from dreamy reminiscence to suspicious scrutiny in an instant.