Chapter Twelve #2
‘Thing is, he probably does like you a lot. Just not in the way you wanted.’
‘Yeah.’ She sighed and stared out of the window.
‘And maybe that’s why… well, I really thought there was something there.
He was just so… laid back and nice, you know?
It felt like we’d had one of those moments you see on TV and in books.
Where we understood each other without saying anything.
We used to laugh all the time, and sometimes we’d catch each other’s eye and just start giggling. ’
Sam nodded and made a little noise in his throat to acknowledge he was listening. Kerr now did that kind of thing with Eddie… And Clara does it with me. Those signs she’d read into her relationship with Kerr were friendship signals. Which just went to show how easily they could be misread.
She let out a sigh, looking out the window. ‘You know I asked him out once?’
‘Did you?’
‘Yeah. Talk about mortifying. I mean, he was really nice about it, but it was obvious he didn’t feel the same.
Then I found out about Georgie. So, I just kept it light, carried on like we always had, though I feel like he keeps his distance from me these days.
He stays glued to Eddie like he never wants to be alone with me…
though it’s not like I’d ask him out now or expect anything there.
He’s engaged after all. I’m not about to make an even bigger fool of myself. I’ve done enough.’
Sam watched the road, but his heart wanted to turn to her. ‘But you didn’t make a fool of yourself.’ He cast her a brief glance. ‘If anything, you just… wanted to make your feelings real. It was a brave thing to do.’
‘Brave or stupid?’
‘Brave, and you’re such a kind and generous person.
You have a way of making people feel special.
I haven’t worked at the school that long, but even the first day I met you, you made me feel like I was your best friend and somebody you were genuinely interested in.
That’s a really hard sense to generate in such a short time.
I’m sure Kerr has always appreciated you being like that with him, and in many ways, he’s similar.
He’s a chilled guy with an easy, laid-back personality.
You probably acted as a mirror to each other.
Both friendly souls who were easy in each other’s company.
Only you wanted different things. And I know how hard that must be to swallow because it must have felt like he cared deeply for you. In some ways, I’m sure he did.’
Clara covered her mouth and sniffed. ‘I’m sorry. Sometimes it all just comes back to me. I really am happy for him. It’s more when I think about how I acted. It’s so cringy.’
‘But he doesn’t say anything to make you feel bad, does he?’
‘No.’ She wiped the corner of her eye with her sleeve. ‘He’s always really nice. We just don’t ever mention that I asked him out. Better to forget.’
Sam saw a layby up ahead. He signalled and pulled into it, switching off the engine, and turning to face her.
Clara glanced up. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Making sure you’re ok.’
‘You didn’t have to stop. I’m fine, really, just being silly—’
He shook his head. ‘No, you’re not. Come here…’ He made to hug her then stopped. ‘I mean, if you want to.’
‘Of course I do.’ She leaned into him. ‘I’ll never say no to your hugs.’
‘Still, best to check,’ he whispered into her hair, closing his eyes as the soft fragrance permeated his nostrils. It wasn’t the easiest position to hug her in, but he held her for a moment against his shoulder.
‘It’s just… it’s so stupid,’ she muttered, her words landing close to his ear and giving him a little shock. ‘I spent nearly three years thinking he might feel the same. Imagining… I don’t know… that it was only a matter of time, I guess. But it wasn’t.’
Sam held her a bit tighter, his palm smoothing over the soft fabric of her top. ‘You’re not stupid. It was real to you. You poured your heart into someone who just didn’t feel the same way. That’s not stupid, just unlucky.’
She gave a shaky laugh, pulling back slightly to look at him. ‘I just wish I hadn’t said anything. I mean, dating colleagues isn’t forbidden, but it probably isn’t sensible either. Why did I not think?’
‘Because it doesn’t work like that,’ he said gently. ‘Loving someone isn’t rational. It’s not something you can pick apart or “see” with logic. You felt something real. And he didn’t.’
She managed a little smile. ‘Thank you, Sam. You really are a treasure.’ She squeezed his arm.
A spark flamed in his gut, but he forced it down.
Friends did not need to feel anything like that for each other – especially when she’d just agreed to the fake date.
He didn’t need to fan any flames that might lead to her film style shenanigans.
And she’d just expounded several reasons why getting involved with a colleague was a bad idea.
Worse when she was clearly still carrying a torch for Kerr.
‘If it helps.’ Sam turned back to the wheel.
‘Then I should tell you that I don’t think it’s something that bothers Kerr.
He doesn’t hold it against you. If he didn’t like you or thought your behaviour inappropriate, then I’m sure I’d have heard rumours.
You know how people gossip. But truly, no one has ever said a thing. So really, it’s not worth your energy.’
She gave him one of her proper smiles, and she patted his shoulder. ‘I really appreciate all this. I can’t talk to anyone else about it – except Skye – and she’s not great for replying.’
‘Bless her.’
‘I’m so glad you don’t think I’m a complete disaster.’
‘Definitely not a disaster. Maybe a temporary emotional hiccup.’
She laughed. ‘Well, when you put it like that… maybe I can handle this after all.’
‘I’m certain you can.’
As he pulled back onto the road, he cast a quick glance her way, pleased to see her looking more like herself again.
They settled into an easy silence for a while, commenting only on passing landmarks and the traffic.
This journey was a marathon, not a sprint, and while the Satnav insisted the journey could be done in eight hours, Sam knew that was beyond optimistic.
In all his years doing it, he’d barely managed it under ten, and usually it was nearer twelve.
With the fuel stops, food stops, traffic jams and roadworks added into the mix, there was no point even thinking of it as an eight-hour journey.
If he viewed it as a twelve-hour one, he could at least feel like he’d made good time if he got there in less.
‘So, do we need a cover story for the fake dating?’ she asked, sounding much happier. ‘I suppose so, though nothing too complicated.’
‘We can just say we met at school and haven’t been together long.’
‘Perfect.’
‘Remind me, your sister has two girls, is that right? I need to at least have the family facts right.’
‘Yeah, Alisha and Mina.’
‘Aw, lovely names.’ Clara smiled. ‘How old are they?’
‘Alisha’s nine and Mina’s seven. They’re very sweet.
’ He let out a sigh. They were lovely girls, and it saddened him to be so far away from them.
He wanted to be a good uncle, but it wasn’t easy with five-hundred miles in the way.
‘They’ll adore you, by the way. Don’t be surprised if they’re attached to your side the whole time we’re there. ’
‘Aw, you think?’
‘I know. I see what you’re like with the kids at school. They all adore you. My mum will love you too. She’s the best is my mum.’
‘I bet she misses your dad.’
He kept his eyes fixed on the road. ‘She does. All the time. He died far too young, and they were really close. We all were. He was a great dad. It was so hard without him. Still is. He was always so kind, warm-hearted, and pleasant. Nothing was ever too much trouble, and you could tell him anything. He never laughed if you had a problem. He listened and did what he could to help you figure it out.’ His heart sagged under the memories with that dull ache reminding him he’d never feel those things again.
Even after twenty years without him, it hurt.
Clara put her hand on his knee and held it there so that warmth travelled up his thigh. ‘Sam…’
‘What?’ He forced his breathing to remain even.
‘He sounds just like you. He lives on in you. You’ve literally just described yourself.’
A smile tugged at Sam’s lips. Was that true? He’d never thought about that, but if he was half the man his dad was, then he’d take it. ‘Thanks.’
‘Listen, if you fancy a break from driving at any point, I’m fully comp, so I can help if you like. It’s a bit much to have you doing all of it.’
Sam blinked. ‘Oh, sure – just say the word whenever you want a turn. I should’ve thought to ask, but… well, my ex hated driving, so I just do it without thinking.’
Clara watched him for a moment, and he felt a little warm under her scrutiny. ‘Ah, your ex. Sorry if I’m prying, but I’ve always wondered about her. You don’t have to say, obviously, but what’s the story?’
He flicked a glance at her, then back to the road. This wasn’t something he wanted to unpack – not with someone who saw the best in people. Not when his own choices might not stand up to scrutiny. Clara was kind, and he trusted her not to gossip, but what if she thought less of him for it?
‘It’s… complicated,’ he said finally. ‘Olive had a lot going on. Still does. I tried to help however I could – read up on things, offered support, even suggested counselling once.’ He huffed out a dry laugh. ‘That didn’t go down well.’
Clara’s brow knit. ‘That must’ve been awful. You were just trying to help.’
‘I was, but my help wasn’t wanted.’ He shrugged.
‘I wanted to understand, but she saw it as interfering. And after a while, I started wondering if it was my fault – if I’d somehow caused her issues.
I read all these articles about toxic relationships and “red flags”, and I thought, maybe that’s me.
Maybe I’m the problem.’ He exhaled through his nose, shaking his head slightly.
‘She said I was gaslighting her. And for a while, I believed it. But looking back… it feels like she was the one doing that to me.’
Clara’s mouth fell open. ‘Oh my god. Sam, that’s awful. You? A red flag? You’re practically neon green. The way you help people is legendary.’
‘Thanks for saying so.’ He gave a small, crooked smile. ‘I hope you’re right. It was a confusing time. Still is, sometimes. I keep asking myself what I did wrong, but… it’s the past now. I’ve made my bed.’
Without hesitation, she rested a hand on his thigh. ‘I’m sorry it ended like that,’ she said softly.
‘It’s fine. I get by.’
‘Get by?’ She gave his shoulder a light pat. ‘You deserve better than getting by.’
He laughed quietly, almost like a half sigh. ‘If you say so. But really, plenty of people have it worse. I can’t complain.’
And just then – forgetting the upheaval, the uncertainty, the ghosts of old mistakes – he realised it was true.
For the first time in a long while, things felt simple and unexpectedly good.
Even if it was only temporary. But he’d learned to take what he could, when he could.
Because life was uncertain – especially if someone else held all the power.