Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
A insley exhaled and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the Porsche headrest. “I’m so glad that is over.”
“Why did you go if you didn’t want to?”
“I did want to go. But now I’m tired.” And hungry. Not that she’d admit that in front of him. She could’ve sworn he was concerned about her, which was taking the whole fake boyfriend thing a little too far.
“You want to get something to eat?” he asked.
Shoot. She’d said she would buy him dinner to make up for only being served canapés tonight. “Um, sure. I promised you food, right?”
“Healthy food,” he reminded her.
Darn. She’d kill for a burger. She opened her eyes, saw he was studying her. She pasted on a smile. “What is it?”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course! Why do you ask?” She hid a wince. Now that was a dumb thing to say, because he really looked like he was about to answer. Still, she could take it.
“I don’t know. You seem a little… off, or something.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t mean in a bad way. I’m just checking you’re okay.”
Oh. That was kind. And thoughtful.
“I noticed that you didn’t eat much—”
She bit back a sigh.
“—which is why I figured you must be hungry now.”
“Well, that is sweet of you to notice but I’m okay.”
“If you say so.”
That didn’t sound like he believed her. And she still owed him food. She didn’t want to be the kind of woman who didn’t keep her promises. Especially to someone who’d gone out of his way to help her. Where could she take him for a meal that would be private enough, and they could eat fast, so she could quickly be released from the sense of obligation?
Within moments he’d pulled up outside her apartment.
“What are you doing? Weren’t we going to get something to eat?”
“I thought you didn’t want to eat.”
“But you do, right?”
Movement across the street stole her gaze, to see a bunch of photographers rush over. Whoa. She hadn’t expected—
“Uh, do you want a photo now?” he asked.
“No. Can you please drive?”
“Sure.” He gunned the engine and the Porsche sped away, Zac just making it through the traffic lights before they turned red.
“Nice move.”
“Power move.” He tapped the top of the Porsche’s dashboard. “Thanks, Gerta.”
“Gerta? You’ve named your car?”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Why not?”
She snickered. “Well, that was a little piece of whimsy I wasn’t expecting from you.”
“Whimsy?” He cut her a look. “Plenty of people give their cars a name.”
“But Gerta?”
“It’s German. Like a Porsche.”
“Oh. I thought they were made in Italy.”
“That’s it. We can’t be friends. Not if you’re gonna say stuff like that.”
She caught his smile, then laughed. “Is that what we are?”
“Friends?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”
She supposed. Except it felt funny to be friends with this man who was unlike any other friend she’d had before. Most people she knew were happy to keep the peace and didn’t notice things like whether she ate, let alone dare to make comments about it. And that this man did, and yet was willing to play by her rules in this fictitious game, intrigued her. He hadn’t put a foot wrong tonight, apart from that one comment when he suggested he was a huge fan of hers. For a moment she’d thought he meant he was a huge fan in something other than a movie fan way. There’d been a certain softness in his expression, that had disappeared as soon as she reminded him. Which again made this time together feel a little murky.
“Ainsley?”
“Oh, sorry. Yes, friends. I suppose that’s what we are.”
“Mmm.”
The moment felt too tangled with unspoken questions. “So, um, where are we going?”
“I don’t know. You wanted to be away from the photographers so I’ve taken you away.”
“I promised you dinner though, so I suppose you should just go somewhere where you want to eat and I’ll pay for your meal.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m pretty sure I earn more money than you.”
“I do have to do that, because I said I would, and I think it’s important to keep my word.”
“Me too.”
She knew he was a good guy. “And for the record, I am fully aware that this is a business arrangement and I don’t want you feeling like I’ve got you doing things you don’t want to do. I’ve never wanted to be a woman who makes a man feel like he’s got to take care of her.”
“But isn’t that what a boyfriend is supposed to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t do real boyfriends. I haven’t for years.”
The words dropped into the space between them, sounding a little more raw than she’d intended. Did saying she’d had no boyfriends—none for years, anyway—make her sound pathetic? Probably. Not that it mattered. Regardless of how nice Zac was, she had to keep the boundary lines drawn.
“Well, as your fake boyfriend, I would consider it my duty to be seen to be taking care of you. And I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit in with your views, but you asked earlier what some of my rules might be, and I think that would be one of them.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if you want me to be considered your boyfriend, real or fake, then I’d be wanting to take care of you and have others see that.”
Her heart squeezed. No man had ever expressed anything like that to her before. He sounded like he was quoting a line from a movie. “Did you hear that in a movie?”
“What?”
“That line you just said. About wanting to take care of me.”
“That wasn’t a line, Ainsley. That was real. And something I would’ve thought you’d know. Friends look out for each other.”
Friends. That’s right. Whoa, for moment, she thought—No. She wouldn’t think that. This was a fake relationship. Even if the friendship felt like it was nudging toward real.
* * *
“Is that good?” Zac gestured to the salad bowl Ainsley was wolfing into.
She peered up, a tiny smear of honey-mustard dressing next to her lips. He swallowed a smile. “ So good.”
“Told you it would be.” He gestured to beside his mouth.
“Oh.” She copied his action and used a napkin to wipe it away. “All good?”
“Perfect.”
She blushed. “I’ve never had squeaky cheese before.”
“You obviously have had a very sheltered life if you haven’t had Halloumi.”
She wrinkled her nose at him. “I still can’t believe you managed to get these guys to keep their place open.”
“I think they’ll think it was worth it just because they got a photo of you.” One to add to the wall of celebrities who had eaten at this place. He was guessing that it wasn’t the first time this place had opened thanks to a special request. The privacy was perfect, even for a non-date like this.
“So how did you come across this place?” she asked.
He toyed with his salad. Beef, lettuce, tomato, sesame seeds, with a tangy Asian slaw. “I like to eat clean and healthy. My trainer recommended it so I’ve been coming here ever since I first joined the team.”
“Which was when?”
“Five years ago.”
“But you’re a local boy, right?”
“Born and raised in Surrey, before I got drafted and spent some time on the east coast before I got traded back here.”
“They like you here.”
He shrugged, fiddled with a lettuce leaf. “It’s good to be somewhere you’re appreciated.”
“For sure.”
Her face clouded, and he wondered if that feeling of appreciation was something she knew, too. “So, how about you? I’ve been told that you’re the face of As The Heart Draws .”
She rolled her eyes. “Only because I’m the one who’s been there the longest.”
“And the one the storylines revolve around, or so a little birdie told me.”
“That’s probably fair.”
“I understand from what Franklin James said that that’s how you got to know his sister.”
She nodded, leaning back in her chair. “Cassie is gold. She’s probably one of the few friends I can really count on. I know this might come as a bit of a shock to you but I’ve found that in this movie business there’s a lot of fake.”
“No way. Really?”
Her lips lifted. “You’re funny.”
Pleasure crawled across his chest. “I hope you mean that in a good way.”
“Of course I do.”
She continued eating, and he took a moment to finish his meal too, chewing over her words. This, getting to know her like this, now this felt like being friends. It reminded him of the ease he had found with Chris and Diana when he first visited their home for meals. There was an ease here, no show, no pretense. Just him being able to be himself, and Ainsley dropping her guard a little, and being a little more real, too.
It still kind of dazed him to look at her, but just like before at the Aquarium when he sensed some cracks behind the facade, so he could see some now just sitting across from her. Like in the way her makeup had smudged, her hair wasn’t as perfect. He could see that she’d started to relax. Just like a friend might do.
Friends. Lord, help me . “So, friend.” Maybe if he said the word out loud enough times his heart would get the memo. “Who else would you consider to be a friend in your business?”
“Ooh, that’s tricky. I’m friends with Lincoln Cash, he was on the first season of As The Heart Draws . He played the Mountie love interest of my character Abigail.”
“Would you hate me if I told you that I’ve never watched an episode?”
Her face pulled into shock. “Are you serious?”
He winced. “Sorry.”
She laughed. “That makes us even then. Obviously I will have to come watch a game and you will have to watch an episode.”
“Deal.” Watching her would not be a problem. Except if she was kissing another man. Dude, she’s your friend, remember? “So, what episode should I watch? One with Lincoln in it? Or this new guy?”
“Harrison Woods. He’s the newest guy. There was Tanner before him.”
“Ah, Miss Ainsley’s many admirers, huh?”
“Miss Abigail’s many admirers,” she corrected him.
“My mistake.”
She shook her head. “It’s probably part of what’s contributed to my reputation, the fact my character seems to have a new man almost every season.”
Yep. That probably didn’t help. “Do you enjoy working on the show?”
“I really enjoy when we’re filming out there. Cassie runs the movie set, which is on her family’s ranch. So when we’re filming we’re staying on-site and it’s lovely to be away. There are no photographers chasing us or people wanting autographs, so we can focus on the work. I mean, I love my fans, and I fully appreciate I wouldn’t be where I am without their support, but sometimes it’s really nice to feel like you can just switch off and just focus on doing your work without all the other noise. Know what I mean?”
“One hundred percent.” When she swiveled a look at him, he shrugged. “I love hockey. Like, I love it. If I’m completely honest, hockey was my god before God was.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I probably loved hockey more than my family.” Whoa. That was a truth bomb he hadn’t expected to fall. “Anyway, it’s so nice when you can just play the game, and not worry about all the other stuff, like business or endorsements or the pressure to make playoffs or the outside stuff. I love playing the game and I love when I’m one hundred percent in the game and everything flows, and nothing else really matters.”
“I know! I feel the same when I’m in the character’s space, and I remember my lines, and I feel myself being this person who is fictional, but in that moment it feels real, like I actually am my character. I love that. And it’s awesome when those around me help create this sense of reality too.”
“It sure helps when they do that.” Like Chris, and Drew. Even Logan had his moments when he got in the zone and they flowed as a team. “That’s what happened in the playoffs last season. The team just clicked, and we knew how to make things work. It was magic.”
“Right?” She smiled at him.
He blinked, looked down at the table. Don’t let her smile fool you into wanting more, man. She just wants you as a friend. “So, you said that Lincoln is your friend…?”
“And his wife, Jackie. She’s a nurse, so she’s from a very different world to us, and I think that’s what really helped in their relationship. She keeps him grounded.”
“Opposites attract, huh?”
“I think so. Although I’ve always thought that there needs to be enough in common for a relationship to really work. Which is why I think I need to be seen with a Christian guy. It’s what I ultimately want. A husband, who husbands.”
“Pardon?”
She smiled. “Someone who cares, who cultivates growth, who stewards wisely. That’s another meaning of the word husband.” She shrugged. “I ultimately want someone who is strong in God and who he is in God, who can encourage me to be strong in God, too.”
Wow. He sat back in his seat. Now there was a challenge if ever he’d heard one.
“What do you mean by a guy who is strong in God and who he is in God?”
She tipped her head, brow furrowed. “I guess I’ve come across a lot of insecure guys, people who are intimidated by my success, and they try and shrink me down.” Her face shadowed.
“How did they shrink you down?” He’d make sure he never would. Because a friend never would.
Her shoulder lifted, fell. “They would say stuff, make me second-guess myself. I’ve come across a few gaslighters in my time, so as soon as I sense that I’m out. It’s not easy in the industry I’m in because there are a lot of people who are jealous. And because I work so much I don’t tend to meet too many guys who are out of my industry.”
He could relate. Hockey seasons might allow for summers off, when some guys would blow off steam, but Zac’s endorsements and charity commitments had never allowed for month-long European vacations, partying on Ibiza.
“So, back to your question. It might be asking a lot, but ultimately I want to find someone who is strong in God, and knows who he is in God. Who knows he is a child of God and that others have been made in the image of God too, which comes across in how they treat others. That’s why charities like White Night are important to me, because I know these people are loved by God. So I want a man who understands that, who knows he’s loved by God, so that he will love others well, too.” She shrugged again. “And that’s what I want to do. I like that my shows are about portraying love, but I feel like it could be a little more real than what gets seen sometimes.”
Whoa. So much to unpack there. He felt like he wanted to take notes on their conversation just so he could keep exploring what she meant.
“What do you mean by treating others as God’s child?”
She leaned forward. “It’s like the other day at the White Night event. I know people who have been victims of domestic violence, and I’m sitting there listening to these stories of women and families who have overcome awful trauma, and so much of it I’m just feeling this sense of ‘God saved you in that situation’ and ‘God protected you in that moment’ because I feel like God is there looking for people to recognize that He cares about them.”
“You sound like Chris and Diana.”
“Who?”
“Friends of mine. Chris Thomas is our goalie. Diana is his wife. They were great at answering my questions when I wanted to know why they had peace that all my wins didn’t give.” He shrugged. “They helped me understand what being a Christian is about. You should meet them sometime.”
“Okay.”
“They know the truth about you and me.” Actually, they knew too much about the truth, so maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. He winced.
“Hey, it’s okay.” She touched his hand, obviously misunderstanding his facial contortion. “It’s good to have some people who know. I’ve told my parents, and my brother, and… yeah.”
Who was the “yeah” she’d avoided saying?
“Anyway, it’s important to have people we can be real with.”
“Like we are right now.”
“I know! It’s like we really are friends.”
Ouch. She didn’t think they were even that?
“Oh! I didn’t mean it to sound like that.”
He shook his head. “It’s okay, I know what you meant. And it is nice to be honest and get to know you more.”
Her expression turned soft, then she sipped her herbal tea.
He couldn’t afford to let himself get caught in the whirlpool of attraction that was floating beneath the surface here. He cleared his throat. “So, what did you mean before by saying your shows could be a little more real?”
Her nose wrinkled. “I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay if it’s you being honest.”
She exhaled. “Okay. So, sometimes I wonder if I’ve pigeonholed myself too much by the sorts of characters that I’ve played. Everyone sees me as this sweet innocent bubbly person on my shows and think that’s what I’m like in real life.”
He opened his eyes wide. “You mean you’re not?”
She flicked a sugar packet at him, taking him by surprise.
“Well, look who’s getting feisty.”
“You’ve got no idea.”
But he wanted one. “So, who is the real Ainsley Beckett? Why is she so unhappy about who she is portraying on these shows?”
“I’m not unhappy, just a little dissatisfied, maybe.” She sighed. “I had a run-in with one of the writers on As The Heart Draws a few months ago. My character, Abigail, was going to need to be rescued by her hero yet again.”
“Was she falling down some steps?”
She stuck her tongue out at him. “No, she wasn’t. Mind you, so far she’s been rescued from a bear, a coal mine cave-in, a flood and a fire.”
“Sounds accident-prone.”
“Right? Like you’d never believe this woman came all the way out from the east to come and teach school in the west by herself if she’s so helpless and needing a man to rescue her all the time.” She blew out a breath. “Sorry. Just got a little too real for a moment there.”
“I like real.”
“Good. Because you’re getting plenty of it tonight.”
Sure was. And he was here for it.
“Anyway, I asked them if they could change the story and have a female be heroic for a change. It took some convincing, but then they actually took it on board which ultimately saw Cassie get a cameo role where she saved Harrison’s butt in the story, which was awesome.”
“I thought Harrison was supposed to be your hero?”
She nodded. “It’s created a little bit of a love triangle. It’ll work out in my favor because, as you pointed out, I’m the face of As The Heart Draws .”
Her tone, her expression, held a tinge of resignation, that she didn’t really like that thought. “Do you want to be?”
“What?”
“It sounds like you’re the main character that the others revolve around.”
Her shoulders slumped. “I am. It’s awesome, but also a burden. Because I feel like I have to do this role, and there are others who depend on me. I’ve had people tell me that if I were to leave, the show would fold.”
“Whoa. No pressure.”
“Right? And I’m not one to believe a whole lot of hype, I don’t even believe half of what my agent tells me, but there are a lot of fans out there who really want the show to continue as it has always done, and I just don’t know if I want to do this forever.” She said that last bit in a whisper, like her co-stars could hear.
“Shows don’t go on forever.”
“I know. And that’s the other side of it. It’s paying work. And there are plenty of people who would kill to have my job. And I am grateful for it, it’s just… it’s just sometimes I think I could be doing other things.”
“Like what?”
She bit her lip. Glanced at her folded hands. Peeked back at him. “Okay, you have to promise not to say anything to anyone.”
“I promise not to post this on my socials.”
“Ooh, that reminds me. We should probably talk about becoming Instagram official one day.”
Huh?
“But that’s a sidetrack. I have to do better at focusing.”
He’d help her refocus, then. “What other things would you do if you could do anything?”
A long sigh escaped her. “For a while now I’ve felt these tugs to do more, to be more, to have my life and my career matter more than just providing innocent escapes into what’s basically a rose-tinted romantic fantasy. And I know there’s nothing wrong with those shows, but I feel like if that’s all I ever portray, it sends a wrong message to those people out there who watch me and think that’s what life is all about, and that I think that too.”
Good point. Which was why he and his agent were so careful about which companies Zac associated with. The brands he partnered with emphasized clean eating, sports nutrition, sharp suits and sharper cars. Things he cared about, that he believed in, because it went to the essence of who he was. “You feel like you’ve become branded this way.”
“Exactly! See, I know life can be real and scary and hard and even awful, but my movies don’t show that. So it just perpetuates this bubble that’s basically an alternative reality. So when these little girls grow up thinking that all you need to do is be skinny, look pretty, leave your big city life and show up in a small town and snap your fingers and there’s your man who will make you happy, well, I’m basically lying to them, because I don’t think life works like that.”
If only some of those article writers who had mocked Ainsley for exactly that could hear her now. “Most people can figure out the difference between fact and fiction, though,” he pointed out gently.
“Yes, but it just reinforces what you said before about how I’ve been branded. And the fact I’m now associated with so many of those kinds of movies means I’m helping perpetuate the myth that a woman needs a man to be happy, and that finding Mr. Right means you’ll live happily ever after. So anyway, long story short, I’ve been feeling these inklings to do something really different, and what I’d really like to do is a movie about the effects of domestic violence.”
“Wow.”
“See? That’s what everyone would say if I was to do that. Because it’s not the sweet little unicorns and rainbows type of show that everyone associates with me. My brother is always at me about the fact that I’ve been typecast, I’ve let my agent be this kind of Rasputin figure in my life, controlling everything, and sometimes, sometimes,” she whispered, “I feel like he’s right.”
She exhaled shakily, then buried her face in one of her hands, as he sat, stunned. He had no words. None. He’d wanted truth, but he strongly suspected she had just exploded the honesty bomb and was regretting it. What should he do? She didn’t want a hug. Hey God, what do I say here? Please help her.
Then realized those were exactly the words he should say. He reached across the table and gently grasped her other hand. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine your dilemma, feeling like you can’t be honest about what you want to do because your role affects so many others.”
Tears streaked her makeup. “Sorry for breaking down.”
“Don’t you dare apologize for being real. How long has it been since you’ve said any of that?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever said any of that.”
Warmth filled his chest. “Well, thank you for trusting me enough to be honest with me.”
She wiped under her eyes. “You’re safe. I sensed that the first time we met. And I think it helps that you don’t know me so well and you haven’t been invested in my career like my parents or other people in the industry have.”
Like Cassie. Whose family’s ranch likely depended on As The Heart Draws to contribute to its bottom line. Yeah, this was awkward. “I don’t have any answers, but we both know Someone who does.”
“Who?”
He pointed upward, just as Chris had.
She blinked at him, swiped away a tear. “Would you pray for me?”
“Sure.” He’d pray for her each night until she got her answer.
But the way she smiled then ducked her head and gripped his hand, suggested she wanted him to pray for her now. Oh boy. Okay. Hey God, that helping thing? Help me pray the right words.
He swallowed. “Uh, Lord, thank You for being with Ainsley. Thank You that You’ve got the answers. Thank You that she can trust You. Lead her into Your plans. Amen.” That sounded like something Chris or Mike or Luc would pray.
And judging from her soft “Amen”, she thought it was okay too.
“Thank you.” Her eyes were soft. “I’ve never had anyone pray for me like that before.”
“You haven’t?”
She squeezed his hand. “Thank you for being a good friend.”
A good friend. That’s right, bud. He exhaled. “You’re welcome.”