10. Maggie
Chapter ten
Maggie
I deserved a fucking award for self-control.
For keeping my sanity throughout all of this.
For rejecting the advances of Jack Hennicke.
This morning could have been a whirlwind of the passion and pleasure I was desperately craving, and he barely even touched me.
I was beginning to feel safe with him, trustworthy, reliant .
But I couldn’t accept any of those feelings.
History taught me that they didn’t last. You could think everything is perfect with your husband for years, and one day find out he betrayed you.
Ripped what you thought your family looked like into the disastrous mess it really was.
Keeping my heart out of the picture was the easier option. The safest option.
Deciding to avoid my feelings altogether, I pretended that nothing Jack said or did affected me, my heart, or my body. We needed to have the dreadful conversation I had been playing over in my head for the last few minutes.
I shot straight for it. “We should talk about us.”
Jack sighed, his tense shoulders tightening further. “You’re right.”
“I don’t think we should be romantic.”
In an attempt at humor that was not appreciated, Jack held a hand over his heart as if he had been shot. “That hurts, Mags. Right here.”
The side-eye I meant to give him turned into a full-on glare.
“I’m kidding.”
My frown deepened. “Hilarious.”
Who was I kidding? Neither Jack nor I was ready for a serious relationship, and even if we were, there was a good chance it would go up in flames. I didn’t want any animosity between us with a child in the picture.
“Seriously, though, I agree with you. We will be partners and co-parents. If you want more, then we can talk about it.”
“Talk about it?” My tone became defensive. His meaning was unclear. Not that I wanted to create more complications, but I wasn’t looking to force him into a relationship. I didn’t want either of us becoming romantically attached.
“Maggie, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am not the best at relationships. Neither of us has great examples of successful marriages, but the least I can do is fake one as best I can.”
I slumped in my seat, and a pressure surrounded the crown of my head. I did have a terrible example of marriage, and I wasn’t exactly clear on Jack’s parents’ situation, but we were breeding a recipe for disaster if we got together. Too many complications. Not enough odds in our favor.
“I know,” I whispered.
Jack’s expression—even while facing the road—turned apologetic. His lips parted while two faint lines appeared between his brows. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I replied honestly. “You’re right.”
“So…we’re friends.” It was a statement.
“Friends who are having a baby together and pretending to be married. Yes.”
“Perfect.”
The next question popped into my head. “How long are we faking this marriage for?”
Jack let out a heavy breath and scratched the back of his neck. “God…I don’t know. I mean, divorce is normal, right? I don’t think we have to keep the charade going too long after the baby is born.”
“It would be hard to split custody while the baby is so young. Especially with all of the long nights, and…” My voice trailed off as something else occurred to me.
Something monumental. “Jack, we’re never going to be in the same place all the time.
What if, after I have the baby, I get a job at one place, and you get a job in another? Then what?”
Polo wasn’t a job where you lived in one place year-round as a professional.
You followed the seasons. You followed the sponsors.
But that didn’t guarantee a job in the same place every year.
And with Jack and me still finding our footing in the industry, we didn’t have a lot of legroom to negotiate.
A grimace crossed his face. “Fuck…I hadn’t even thought about that. And custody…”
Only a few days into knowing we were going to have a baby, and I could tell that both of us dreaded the idea of spending half our time missing the baby. The idea that he or she would grow up splitting time between us with the other parent so far away gutted me.
“How about this?” I started. “We keep this up until the baby is at least six months old, then we can reevaluate. We’re going to have enough going on trying to navigate parenthood, we may as well do it together for the first little while.”
Jack nodded. “I agree. Plus, then we can see some of their milestones in person, instead of over video or a FaceTime call.”
His response simultaneously scared the hell out of me and warmed my heart. We were going to see milestones . “You’re right.”
“I really want to be a good dad, Mags. I want to do it right.”
I looked at him earnestly. “I know. And you will. Look at the example you had growing up.”
It struck me that, even though my words were meant to be reassuring, they were true. Jack was stepping up. We weren’t just running away together anymore. We were taking responsibility where it was due. We were handling our relationship as friends, future co-parents, and fake spouses.
A few seconds passed before he spoke again.
“Maggie, can I tell you something?” Jack finally turned his head to look me in the eye. I was captured by his amber irises.
“Of course.”
“I hate your dad for what he did to you.” I raised my brows in surprise. “Always have.”
“Oh,” was all I could come up with.
How much did he know? Was it my well-being he was concerned about, or the gravity of the situation itself?
“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to take it as me just hating your dad. I just…I hate what he did to you and your mom. For wrecking your family,” he added quietly.
I never thought of what he did as ruining my family.
Sure, it was a really shitty thing to do, cheating on my mom for some fun at a polo party one night when he was away, but I never chose to see him directly as the villain.
In fact, I saved that title for my mother.
I couldn’t resent her for leaving my dad, but I could resent her for leaving her daughter.
It scarred me too deeply to consider that I wasn’t enough to make her stay.
My dad was the only person in the world I could say I loved, and I held on tightly to that. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. How is your mom, by the way?”
“How’s yours?” I shot back without realizing it. Shit. I hadn’t heard about his mother in years. I had no idea where she was; just that she was a world traveler.
Jack didn’t answer. He just shrugged.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” I closed my eyes and silently cursed myself.
“It’s fine. She’s traveling in…God, I don’t even know where she is now.” Jack ran a hand through his golden locks.
“Oh.” There was that guilty feeling in my gut again.
“Like I said, it’s fine,” he replied sharply. Our conversation felt immediately cut off by the tension that rose from his tone. I inhaled a breath and stared out the window for a few minutes before gaining enough courage to speak again.
Maybe we were kindred souls, Jack and I. The connection that our mothers were absent and elsewhere comforted me. Like two sparks in a tube, connecting as one.
“I haven’t spoken to my mom since she left us thirteen years ago.” I didn’t mean it as a pity statement. Jack deserved to hear the truth.
“Shit…” Jack’s head dropped before he focused back on the road. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
“I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t hate her, but I think that’s why I can’t resent my dad for what happened. He’s all I have.”
“That’s not true anymore, Maggie.” Jack’s right hand left the steering wheel to grasp mine. “You have two more people in your life who will stay with you no matter what.”
“Two?”
“Me,” he slid his hand over to my stomach. “And this baby.”
My heart caught in my throat. Two . Jack and our baby. I hadn’t even considered that I carried a living being that would love me. It made my skin tingle with gratitude.
“I really appreciate you, Jack.” My voice was raspy. “Me too.” There was a slight moment when his eyes left the road to meet mine, when it felt like it really could be Jack and Maggie. Not just Jack and Maggie because of a baby.
It was the lack of discipline and self-control that scared me the most. Between the two of us, control over our feelings, our actions, our desires…it wasn’t guaranteed. Navigating an entirely new path of life together brought people close. Bonded them forever.
The only way to go about it was to put up a massive wall between us…physically, of course. We needed to get to know each other as well as possible before the baby came, but I refused to let myself get into any situation in which I felt compelled to do anything with Jack.
Luckily, the tension between us subsided throughout the rest of the drive.
Jack and I made infrequent small talk through the hours, but the overwhelming feeling of unknowingness overtook me again.
I felt like I needed an entire document full of information, plans, and processes for everything.
There were doctors I needed to call to begin appointments throughout my pregnancy, possibly another source of income to find to support those appointments, and everything I needed to buy for the baby.
I needed to make a list of everything I needed to do when I got there… God, there was so much.
Jack must have sensed my anxiety because he reached over the console to grasp my hand. My eyes traveled down to meet our intertwined fingers and lingered for a moment before I dragged my gaze to his face. “You okay?”
“No,” I confessed breathlessly. “Jack, there are so many things we’ve barely thought about. And there are a million more that we haven’t even talked about.”
“Then let’s talk about them. You got a notebook?”
Indescribable relief fled through my body.
The fact that Jack was entirely serious about taking responsibility and stepping up as a father lifted the pit further out of my stomach.
I reached for my bag on the floor behind my seat and pulled out the same notebook I had planned to write a list of what to do with the baby I had no idea how I would handle a few days ago.
It was baffling how much could change in less than a week.
I flipped past the page without a second thought and titled the top of a new page: “Baby Plan.”
“Okay, what’s first on the list, Baby Mama?”
I chuckled. “Baby Mama? Is that my new name?”
“May as well address you as such. You’re carrying a damn good one if it’s my DNA.
” Jack followed with a smile. He was trying to build me up, and I appreciated him for it more than he knew.
Deep down, he was probably as terrified as I was, but he was performing the same charade of putting on a strong face for his partner.
The shift of our relationship in the last few days was wild.
Jack went from my fling to my boss, to my partner and future co-parent.
I swear my life was a soap opera.
“Well, I want to figure out the overall plan. We’ll be here for most of the pregnancy, so I’ll find an OB for my doctor’s appointments. I was thinking of finding some sort of part-time work to pay for the appointments and all the baby stuff we have to buy.”
“Wait, you want to work for someone else?” Jack’s brows raised.
“I mean, we need another source of income. Especially since there are already two of us, and we’re going to be paying for a lot of things that have to do with the baby.”
He cleared his throat. “I actually had a plan for that other source of income, but you wouldn’t be able to do it.”
What?
Jack was going to take on two jobs to support us?
“What are you talking about?”
He brushed a hand through his hair. “I was going to take on some consignment horses for more money,” he said, referring to the profession of taking on other people’s horses to sell to potential buyers. “But you wouldn’t be able to help with that since you can’t ride.”
God. Why did he have to be so sincere?
“Jack…you don’t have to do that.” I expected him to help support our child financially when we agreed to this crazy plan, but I didn’t want him to work himself into misery.
“I want to.” He gave me his eyes for a fraction of a second before returning them to the road. “I used to do it with my dad for years before college. It was good fun and good money. But I won't do it if you don’t want me to.”
Fuck him and his stupid passion and desire to do something more with his life. I fell for this every time, seeing a man’s drive and motivation to accomplish something, and just going for it. Attempting to hide a smile, I rolled my eyes.
“Of course. I want you to do what makes you happy. I just meant that I need to have some sort of job myself. It’s not like I can sit around the house all day waiting for you to ask for my help with something.” I shrugged.
“I mean, I’m going to have to hire someone else to help me take sets, or I’ll have to do them myself, but there are plenty of other things you can help me with.”
It was thoughtful of Jack to help me feel useful, and I would still do whatever he needed me to, but now that we were bound together for a different reason than work, I needed something for myself, even if it was part-time.
I needed to be able to provide for my child the same way that Jack was proving he would provide for me.
“Thank you. Of course, I’ll still be your groom—”
“Partner,” he reminded me.
“Yes, partner. But I’d still like to have another source of income.
“Do you know what you want to do yet?”
“Not yet.” Other than horses, I really wasn’t passionate about anything else that made good money. Time-wise, I would be pretty wrapped up with Jack’s horses and games, but maybe I could find something flexible or remote.
“Well, let’s leave that one as is until we figure it out.” His thumb moved over my knuckles. I didn’t miss the we in his sentence, his reminder that we were going through all of this together.
“Thank you.” I gave his hand a slight squeeze.
“I told you, Mags, whatever happens, I’ve got you.”
And I was really starting to believe that.