Chapter 39
Eliza
Inap and read the entire flight home, trying to find ways to distract myself from the anxiety-inducing thoughts and questions invading my brain.
I know I need to eventually stop and think about them, but now is not the time.
I’m too exhausted to handle any of it and know that once I get home and have to deal with the jet lag I won’t have the capacity then either.
I feel Mac glancing over at me throughout the flight and do my best to ignore it and to avoid looking at him.
When we land, we head to his car in long-term parking and he takes me to my place, helping me to carry my bags upstairs.
We linger in the entryway. I’m unsure of what to say, and he seems reluctant to leave.
He cups my face and leans in for a kiss, and I lean into him.
It’s as though my entire body is drawn to him in a way I can’t explain.
I almost want to ask him to stay, but I know I need some space mentally to go through everything I’m thinking and feeling.
“When will I see you next?” he asks.
“I don’t know.”
“Can we do dinner sometime this week?”
The near desperation in his voice has me agreeing.
“Text me the details for dinner with your parents and I’ll put it in my calendar.”
I nod, and he kisses me softly again before slipping out the front door. I head to my room and strip out of my clothes before hopping in the shower, the warm water relaxing my muscles.
When I’m out of the shower, I check my phone and see the group chat has blown up with the girls asking questions and wanting to meet.
I know I need to get back in this time zone and shouldn't head to bed right now so I can sleet tonight and head into work tomorrow, so I agree to meet them for lunch at our favourite diner.
After quickly putting myself together, I head out the door. Stepping onto the sidewalk outside my place, I feel the difference of being back home versus London. The street seems louder and more compact, lined with towers in every direction.
I immediately spot the girls when I enter the diner and join them. I’m greeted excitedly by all of them, and I soak in the feeling of being with some of the people I love most in this world.
Hannah is the first to jump right into it. “So tell us everything! What was it like spending two entire weeks with Mac? How did meeting his parents go?”
I take a deep breath. “It was nice. With us both working, we didn’t see a lot of each other the first week, he worked a lot of late nights.
I didn’t really see his father, but his mom is lovely.
” I smile at the memory of our dinner together.
“We’re going back sometime in June for his father’s retirement party, and his mom is already planning for us to meet up again. ”
“So you’ve gotten his mom’s approval,” Zoey says. Once again, that feeling in the pit of my stomach rears its ugly head.
I nod. “I think so. She’s very sweet, and it was nice to see her and Mac together.”
“You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?” Bailey asks, and I feel like my world has collapsed beneath me.
Hearing someone else make the observation rather than me fighting myself about it brings it all into reality.
I wasn’t supposed to fall for him. I thought that this would be easy.
I figured the ten-year age difference and his apparent lack of desire for a relationship might mean that he was bad at them and I could go about my life and be fine, but I was very wrong.
I was an idiot who has jeopardized her heart all in an attempt to step out of a box I had found my life falling into.
I don’t even realize a tear has fallen until Hannah uses her thumb to wipe it away.
“Oh, babe, it’s not a bad thing,” she says softly.
I shake my head and force myself to laugh slightly. “I just never thought it would hit like this.”
She smiles at me softly, and I look around the table and see all of my friends looking at me with the same look.
They’ve all experienced falling for the loves of their lives, the difference is they thought there was at least a slim chance their relationships could work and last. I don’t even have that slim hope.
What I have is the inevitable chance that my heart is going to be crushed by the only man I’ve ever let myself fall for.
I wipe at both my eyes, let out a breath, and give my body a little shake. “Okay, enough of this. No tears, just happy thoughts and things.” I turn to face Bailey. “Are you ready for baby’s arrival?”
She smiles and rubs her hand over her belly. “You know, already having one kid you’d think I’d be so ready, but I think I’m more of a mess this time.” She laughs. “I think Caleb has it together more than I do.”
“I bet Caleb is privately freaking out,” Hannah says. “That man seems to be all calm and collected on the outside and the complete opposite on the inside.”
“He’s my rock, but I know he’s got his own little things he’s stressed about. I think his biggest worry is that I’ll go into labour while he’s on shift. I’ve told him that I’ll be fine until he gets to me, but he doesn’t want to miss anything.”
“He’s already such a good dad to Charlie, he’ll be just as amazing with this new one,” Liv says.
Bailey’s smile turns even softer. We got to watch her and Caleb fall in love, but almost better was watching how Caleb fell in love with Charlie. That man opened up in a way none of us had ever seen when those two showed up in his life.
We talk and laugh, and I sit in how grateful I am for these girls. I know that in a few months I’m going to need them more than ever and they’ll be there because they’re my family, blood or not.
When I get home, I text Mac the details for my dad’s birthday dinner and call my parents, letting them know I’m bringing someone with me this weekend.
Their curiosity is obviously piqued; I haven’t mentioned Mac to them before, I haven’t even mentioned being in a relationship.
I thought I could avoid telling them and the obvious questions that will come when this ends, but when Mac asked about meeting them I couldn’t find it in me to say that he couldn’t.
When he let me meet his mom and encouraged us to see each other again when we travel back to London it only made it harder.
He was sharing that part of his life with me, who would I be to hold this part of me back?
I know a secret part of me also really wants my parents to meet Mac.
Not even for approval, but so that they can meet the person who’s made me feel more confident in myself, who even for a short time has made me feel desired and loved in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I decide in this moment that I’m going to stop fighting whatever this is with Mac, because even if it crushes me in the end, it will mean that what I’m feeling is real.
Mac will be the standard I measure every future relationship against. Do they make me feel safe and strong at the same time?
Do I find myself smiling just at the thought of them? Do I always want to be around them?
I climb into bed early, and despite being exhausted, I toss and turn, unable to fall asleep.
After thirty minutes, I realize why. It’s because I don’t have Mac.
I don’t have his presence in this bed or his arm holding me close to him.
It takes me forever to fall asleep, and I wonder if he’s having the same issue or if maybe he’s sleeping better than he has in weeks having his bed all to himself.