Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Griffin found the door to Savanna’s room propped open, so he walked in without a warning knock. She was standing in front of the French door, looking out at the sea.
“Hi,” she said as if sensing he was there despite his quiet steps, but she didn’t turn toward him. And that was nearly as gutting as what he knew would play out next. He’d gone over the conversation in his head during the flight, and every outcome sucked.
And sadly, he wasn’t even throwing into the mix the other problem—that after finding out Nick had killed three men, Griffin had walked back into Savanna’s bedroom and had sex with her.
He’d surely pay for that too.
“Hi.” Griffin let the door shut behind him, and when she finally turned, he was struck once again by how beautiful she was. She had on fitted jeans, her short ankle boots, and a white tank top with a cardigan. Her hair was a little wavy and hung over her shoulders. But her eyes were downcast.
He set his back to the door and propped a booted foot to it, resting his head against the wood as he studied her. They both knew why they weren’t going in for a welcome-back hug or kiss. And it wasn’t just because of Nick.
He was certain Savanna had felt the change in his mood over the phone, and the air crackled with . . .
Crackled? What is wrong with me?
But it was there. The tension. And not the sexual kind. Filling every space of the room, suffocating him.
He was about to lay news on her she didn’t want to hear but most likely had seen coming. But which would they discuss first? Nick or the other thing weighing on his heart?
“What changed?” She took a few steps his way, hesitancy in every small stride.
Door two, then. The Nick conversation would have to wait.
“How’d we go from you wishing I was there in Italy with you enjoying the view to you looking as though you’d rather go do flutter kicks on the beach with a bunch of Teamguys at BUD/S?”
God, this woman and the visual she’d just painted almost steered him off course and back to where he shouldn’t be. But he had to do right by her, and it was better to piss her off now than down the road.
“You said Gray didn’t lecture you, but you reverted to Mister Moody before the flight back here. Even if Gray did say something during the flight, it still doesn’t jive. I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s not just because you’re mad at yourself for learning about Nick and choosing to fuck me instead of telling me the truth.”
Ouch, that hurt.
He deserved it.
But it was still a painful blow.
“I’m sorry about that. Truly. I thought it’d be best if you didn’t know. You had hope for him.” He was quiet for a moment, letting her process his apology and decide if she’d accept it. “And as for the other part, I struggle to keep my hands to myself around you. I buried the truth about Nick to be with you. And I’m an asshole for that.”
“I’m not sure that’s an accurate description,” she snapped. “But I can forgive you for it,” she added softly. “What I can’t understand is what I think you’re about to say next.”
Standing a good pace or two away, she crossed her arms. And her hazel eyes lit up brighter with the anger she was prepared to throw his way like a World Series pitch in the ninth inning with everything riding on the need for a home run.
He considered pushing off the door and closing the gap between them, but he didn’t trust himself. She had power over him he didn’t understand, and he needed to maintain some distance. Funny thing was it wasn’t even his dick doing the thinking when it came to this woman—it was his heart. And Griffin was terrified of that. “Gray didn’t lay into me,” he said, “I did it to myself.”
“You lectured yourself about sleeping with me? About whatever it is you’re feeling for me that you’re now trying to deny?” she whispered, her words faltering a little as that mama bear tenacity he admired so much waned with the hurt building inside her now. He could see it written all over her face. Those expressive eyes spoke volumes. Her full lips, untouched by makeup, could provide an entire soundtrack. The hollowing of her cheeks as her lips pouted in preparation for an angry lecture were . . .
Griffin shook those thoughts free, feeling as though his mother had somehow snuck into his brain and sprinkled some literary jargon in there. His mom spent enough time in his head as it was, and he did not want her there now. It was a constant reminder as to why he doubted he’d be able to give Savanna what she both wanted and needed.
“We barely know each other,” he started, eyes moving to the floor because she’d bewitch him if he kept looking at her. “I know that was true yesterday too.” He lifted one palm, asking for more time to work through his thoughts, assuming she’d be throwing back a line or two of her own at some point, and he doubted he’d be able to resist her standing there being mouthy at him without taking her into his arms. “But while I was at the site this morning, a thought hit me hard—a thought that I’ve been pushing out of my mind for selfish reasons, which is that my job could put you in danger at some point. And then there’s the obvious fact you brought up yesterday that I tried to dodge . . . this work is dangerous, and I could die because of it.”
Her shuddering intake of breath had him peeling his attention up to find her heart on display in the dejected look on her face.
“I want so badly to be who you need, so much so I let myself believe it was possible yesterday.”
“But you realized this morning I’m not worth it?”
His boot hit the ground as he readied himself to go to her, but fuck, he had to hold back. For her. He had to hold back for her.
“It’s not like that.”
“We barely know each other. I get that. But don’t you feel there’s something there between us?” She gestured between them with that gutted, forlorn look in her eyes.
“You know I do. I can’t explain it, either. It’s happened so fast, though, that I’m a bit blindsided, and I just?—”
“What?” she cried, taking a step toward him.
“I can’t compete with Marcus,” Griffin finally confessed. “I can’t compete with his memory.”
Savanna looked to the ceiling and shook her head. “No one is asking you to compete with him.”
“But I feel as if I would be. I didn’t know the man, and I wouldn’t assume to know what you had together. But I know you believed him to be your ‘forever.’ That’s a hard act to follow, Savanna. Maybe someday another man will walk into your life—I just . . . well, it can’t be me.”
“That’s not—” She dropped her words and shook her head again, eyes returning to his face. “Over twenty years in the service, and I’m what frightens you the most?”
“Yeah, you do.” Hadn’t he said as much in the last few days? Hell, maybe not. He could barely add two and two to get four since he met her, his thoughts and feelings going every which way since they’d begun breathing the same air.
“I’ll admit, this has moved really fast. A week ago, we hadn’t even met. I’m just as confused and scared as you are, but it’s a good kind of scared. An anxious, excited kind of scared that has me hopeful for the first time in years that it’s possible to?—”
“Please, Savanna,” he cut her off. “Don’t. I warned you I’d hurt you. I broke my own rules and crossed the line. I messed up by letting you believe there’s hope for something between us.”
She pinned him with an angry look. “What really happened in Sicily that has you doing a Jekyll and Hyde on me?” she rasped.
He deserved everything she was throwing at him for his bullshit lies and excuses. He knew that and hated it. But it had to happen. A quick, and what he’d hoped clean break. Rip off the Band-Aid and move on.
“Your trigger was Nick. Why?”
And damn did she just read him. Like. A. Fucking. Book.
Well, it wasn’t so much Nick himself as it was her belief the man was still redeemable.
He released his thoughts, knowing he had to get through this and fast. The longer it took, the harder it’d be for the both of them.
“What is it?”
“While I was walking through the Archer site this morning, I realized I was thinking about you the entire time, and not as part of the assignment. And then every conceivable problem that could arise if you and I were to try to be a couple assaulted me like I was being riddled with bullets.”
For some reason, his body was more fatigued and achier today than it had been yesterday, despite the time lapse since he’d had his ass whooped. Or maybe his stomach hurt because of what he was doing to this woman?
“The other thing I realized is that I’m like my father in many ways,” he mumbled. “I didn’t know that until I met you, though.” Because no one had ever made him feel this way. “I would sacrifice the world to save the one I . . .”
His dad would have done anything for his mom. Griffin now knew he was capable of the same. The rage he’d felt just thinking about a future with Savanna and, down the road, some man making a move on her . . . like what happened with his mom, was tenfold now with Savanna’s gaze on him.
“And that was before I realized I could ever fall . . .” God, he couldn’t get through this in complete sentences. “The way Shep touched you at that hangar was enough to make me want to throttle him,” Griffin confessed the dark, ugly truth. He’d never experienced jealousy before because no woman had drawn that feeling out of him. But deep in his gut, he’d known that if he were to ever let himself fall for a woman, he’d struggle.
Savanna stumbled back a step. “So, you wouldn’t trust me around other men, especially if one tried to cross the line with me?”
“I-I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’d want to.” His voice cracked this time. Everything hurt on the inside. “I, uh, clearly have trust issues. Really, really bad trust issues.”
“Shep. Jesse. Any guy in my life, even a friend . . . that’d be hard on you?” Tears welled in her eyes as if she were now fully comprehending how truly messed up he was and why he shouldn’t have ever touched her in the first place. “Your mom slept with her friend?”
Jack-Fucking-Pot. “Not just any friend. The man who encouraged her to become a writer. He was her best friend before she met my dad.” He closed his eyes, realizing he’d yet to reveal that bit of news to her before now.
“Oh.” The sadness in that one word was heartbreaking, and her voice cracked when she continued. “Your mom is the author. The books on the shelves at the cabin were written by her? That’s your mom. Her pen name. It’s why you didn’t want me touching the books.”
He lightly nodded, his words stuck in his throat.
“Why does your dad still have them? I mean, I don’t understand.” She winced. “Sorry, not the point,” she said, her hazel eyes shimmering with tears.
Griffin took a minute to calm down and collect his thoughts. She didn’t deserve his anger. She deserved sunshine and puppies and a man who could love her without question. Not a man who’d be consumed by worries that she would ultimately cheat, like his mom. “He’s proud of her still. Even after everything they went through, after every new release, he still asks her to send him a signed copy he can collect.”
She tipped her head, swiping away the tears.
“They tried to work things out following her affair, but she ultimately went back to her friend. She chose him, not my dad. She married him once she and my father divorced,” he laid the news on her. “And she broke the strongest man I’ve ever met. She’s why his place is fortified like a military installation, not because of what happened to him in Vietnam. He fucking snapped after losing her. Always level-headed before then.” Pages of memories from his childhood of his parents so happy together between his dad’s deployments pushed into his mind and had his hands shaking. “He would have taken every bullet or every beating if it meant keeping my mom safe. He’d trade every sunset for the rest of his life to see her smile.” Griffin dragged a hand along his jawline. “He’ll never be happy again. Never get over her.”
Savanna closed the space between them and set her palms on his cheeks, and it was only then, when she touched him, did he realize there were tears on his face too.
That wasn’t . . . no.
“So, you see, I’d never ask you to stop being friends with Shep and the others, but I also know I wouldn’t be able to keep the fear from creeping in that at some point, one of them would make a move on you. And then I’d have to kill him,” he told her as bluntly as possible. Be like Nick. A killer.
He’d never killed an innocent and never thought he would.
But he barely knew Savanna as it was, and yet the enormity of his feelings was inexplicable, so what would happen a month from now? A year? Ten?
“Griffin, you wouldn’t do that. I don’t believe you.” Her tender voice and her hands on him were knives to his heart because he wanted to say he could change, that he’d learn to let go of his issues and figure out a way to trust again. Anything to have a shot with her. How could he not take that shot when he’d never felt this way in his life and in such a short period of time?
But the risk.
The risk was so great.
Not for him, as he’d originally thought. His heart no longer mattered.
It was hers. And there wasn’t a chance in the world he’d jeopardize her heart, especially not after everything she’d survived.
He set his hands on top of hers. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ever touched you. Kissed you. And I’m sorry about not telling you the truth about Nick.” And for opening up to you. “I need to do my job, though. And that’s to keep you safe.” He chanced a look into her eyes, hoping he’d find the strength necessary to officially wave the white flag and retreat.
“If I’m not worth fighting for, then you’re right,” she whispered while backing away from him, a haunted look on her face as tears spilled freely down her cheeks. “You can’t compete with Marcus. Because he’d have the guts to never surrender. To never back down. He’d have the guts to fight for me.”
Griffin’s hands tensed at his sides, and he bowed his head. “I know. Like Joe said,” he recalled, “Marcus was the best of us.”