Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IN THE AIR – THREE HOURS LATER
“I know you’re not okay, but . . . are you okay?” Savanna softly asked from her seat next to Jesse on Carter’s private jet. “You and I are friends too, don’t forget that.”
Jesse gripped the chair arms, tipped his head back against the leather headrest, and closed his eyes. He was worn out. He’d barely slept since Thatcher appeared in his workshop a few days ago, and now it was zero one hundred hours, and he was on his way to Tirana as a “married” man. He was anything but okay.
“You should be with Ella,” he replied without opening his eyes. If he were to look at Savanna right now, she’d see a whole lot more than she bargained for. She was a woman whose every action came from her heart, and he knew she’d want to console him. But this mess was his own making, and Ella was on this plane jetting toward God-knew-what because of him. He hadn’t earned an ounce of sympathy from Savanna or anyone.
“I’m where I need to be right now.” Savanna’s Southern accent made her words sound much sweeter than he deserved, and he’d be an ass for ignoring her efforts to comfort him.
He opened his eyes when she gave his arm a light squeeze. And the first thing his eyes latched on to was Ella, more precisely her back. She was sitting across from Sydney at the back of the jet near the bedroom, which was currently unoccupied since everyone aboard had turned down the opportunity to get some private shut-eye.
Jesse knew one way he’d like to make use of that bedroom on his wedding night, real or not, but he had to get his head back on straight and not lose himself to temptation.
Anger or lust?
Look what giving in to lust had cost him in New York—another piece of his soul. He’d not only hurt Ella by giving her a weekend of nothing more than sex, but he’d made her angry. They’d swung from one end of the lust-anger spectrum to the other in no time. Same as always.
Trying to get comfortable, which should have been easy on the fancy jet, Jesse crossed one black work boot over his knee and held his ankle. He’d changed from his tux before heading to the airport, but Ella still had on her thin, white silk gown and cowgirl boots.
“I appreciate your support,” he finally said, then shut his mouth, fighting the impulse to tell Savanna he didn’t need her and wanted to be left alone.
In all honesty, he did need her. And he didn’t want to be alone.
“I messed up. Pretty damn badly.” Jesse’s voice nearly broke like Savanna’s famous brownie brittle that cracked apart in his palm with the slightest touch. That was also how his heart felt right about now.
“Messed up how?”
Jesse rolled his head to the side to view Savanna. “Well, there’s a lot I’ve messed up over the years, I suppose. But at this present moment, I was referring to when I slipped and told Ella I loved her for the first time in front of everyone, and she thinks it was an act.” He reached into his back pocket for his wallet and set it on his thigh. “And she doesn’t believe I carry her picture around with me.” His palm rested atop the worn leather as he thought about the three photos he had of Ella inside.
She’d sent the first photo along with a letter during his initial deployment to Iraq at the start of the war. It was a stunning profile shot of her at nineteen, standing in a field of sunflowers, wearing her cowgirl hat. That was the most worn out of the three in his wallet since he’d had it for sixteen years.
The second picture he’d taken himself around ten or so years ago at a holiday party back home. Ella had been belly laughing at something A.J. had said, and she looked so carefree and happy that Jesse couldn’t help but capture the candid moment. He loved to see her smile, to see her perfectly imperfect front teeth catch her lip too.
But that last one , he thought with a sigh, was of them together on their last day in New York. They’d gone into an arcade and acted like ten-year-olds playing games, and then they’d slid into a photo booth and made goofy faces. He’d insisted on keeping the copy of the three images that their five bucks had earned them. Best money he’d spent that weekend. That and the second pack of condoms they’d needed.
“She doesn’t know what to think,” Savanna said after a pause as if realizing Jesse needed a moment to collect his thoughts. “Ella, um, told me about the fight earlier. Well, she told me that she yelled at you. She feels bad about it. Regret might not be the exact word she used, but I swear that woman gives me whiplash when it comes to you. Most likely because she’s as hot and cold toward you as you seem to be toward her.”
Anger and arousal . . . the only two emotions he and Ella were capable of when they were together. Her words. The last words she’d spoken to him before walking back to the party, alone. Jesse was unable to shake them from his head or the idea that she didn’t think that “middle place”—happiness—was possible for them.
Because I’m a screwup, aren’t I? Those deep, ugly and familiar roots constricted around him like he was stuck inside a Venus flytrap.
“Ella may worry your vows were only part of the show, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing.”
“No?” He shot her a puzzled look.
“Because it gives you a chance to tell her how you feel again. And this time without an audience. Maybe after you’ve earned back her trust, she’ll believe you too.”
How was he supposed to earn her trust back when he wasn’t so sure he could trust himself not to mess up again?
“Do you think I can change?” he found himself asking Savanna.
She patted his hand. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters if you believe it’s possible.” She pointed to the bedroom. “Why don’t you two talk?”
“I don’t think she wants to be alone with me. Or hear what I have to say, for that matter.”
“She does, even if she won’t admit it.” Savanna lifted her palm. “Plus, I have a feeling if you two go in that room, maybe you’ll?—”
“Savanna,” he chided, then lowered his voice. “In your romance books, what would happen if two people, one of whom hates the other, were alone in that room?” I’ve officially lost it. Romance novels?
Though it might be nice to be a fictional character for a day. According to Savanna, “real romance” required that the good guys win and there was always a happily-ever . . . something or other.
“Well,” she said, turning in her seat to fully face him, “she, the heroine, doesn’t actually hate him. She’s hurt. But more than that, she’s scared and frustrated.”
Her words were jabs to his head and heart.
“And the guy, the hero, is misunderstood. He’s kept secrets from her for years. But everything he did was because he didn’t believe he deserved this woman. So, in trying not to break her heart by staying away from her, he wound up doing exactly that.” Savanna’s eyes shifted to her fiancé. Was she remembering their own story? Their journey to find each other?
“And then what?” Jesse could guess how this story ended, but he needed to hear it. To believe real life, his life, could imitate art.
“The guy realizes that not being with her is far worse than anything else, and he finds a way to win her back, whatever the cost.” She paused. “Throw in some miscommunication. A fight or two to add some angst. And, well, you know, to ramp up the sexual tension.”
We have the angst and tension down pat.
“And then poof. All is right in the world. They’d get married or have a baby. Probably both.” Savanna’s cheeks grew pink as she whispered the last part.
Well, we’re kind of married already. And the thought of Ella carrying his child . . .
“That bedroom has magical powers, by the way.” Savanna tipped her chin in that direction.
“I don’t want to know what you and Griffin did in the bedroom on your last trip together.” Well, it was less a trip and more to take down the bad guys hunting Savanna. “You’re like my sister, and it’s bad enough I have to know Rory’s trying to make a baby with a SEAL.”
“Would it be better if he was Army?” Savanna asked teasingly. There was a bit of a Navy–Army rivalry between the guys. Okay, “a bit” was an understatement.
“Maybe, but just barely.” He peered Ella’s way, seeing that she had moved to a different seat. Still by the bedroom but facing him now.
“Pretty sure that’s how A.J. feels about you, and he doesn’t even know that you and his sister . . .” Her words trailed off, and she audibly swallowed, likely realizing she wasn’t supposed to know that he and Ella had slept together.
“It’s okay,” he said while returning his focus to Savanna. “I figured if Rory knows, you know what happened in New York too.”
“If New York’s not a prequel for your story, then I don’t know what is.” Savanna, the optimist with the big heart, patted her thighs, then stood. “Well, I’ll let you mull over your plans. But I wouldn’t wait too long. Once we arrive in Albania, you’ll be gearing up to operate.”
Right. Griffin won the coin toss, so he’d be staying on the jet in the terminal with Ella and Savanna, and Jesse couldn’t help but wonder if Griffin had somehow rigged the flip.
Griffin was as determined and stubborn about Savanna’s safety as Jesse was about Ella’s.
Savanna laughed when Jesse mock-saluted her as if saying “aye, aye, captain,” then made her way to Griffin, who met her in the aisle and roped her into his big arms.
Griffin rested his chin atop Savanna’s head and sent Jesse a look that said— What she said, do it.
Jesse uncrossed his ankle from over his knee and pocketed his wallet. Maybe he could try and get some rack time?
But as soon as his lids sealed out the light, all he could think about was taking his “wife” into the bedroom and making love to her on their wedding night. And no rules this time.
He’d kiss that sweet, sassy mouth before sinking to his knees to lift the skirt of her dress and pepper kisses across the exposed skin of her stomach. Then he’d use his teeth to slide her panties down those beautifully tanned legs, kiss his way back up, and devour her like the starved man he was. Memories of that weekend in New York started flipping through his mind, each one kicking up his heart rate another notch. The way she moaned when he played with her nipples. The sight of her reddened ass cheeks in his firm grip as he took her from behind. How those perfect tits of hers bounced as she rode him like it was her damn job. She was so fucking sexy, insatiable, perfect. And he wanted all of that again, now.
He needed to stop his thoughts before he shot his load right there, but when he opened his eyes and peered at Ella’s beautiful face, he knew he wouldn’t survive the rest of the flight without releasing his tension. More importantly, he wouldn’t be able to operate without relief first.
As much as he’d love to pull her into that bedroom, it wouldn’t be right to mess with her mind like that. No, he had to be certain he was capable of change and that it was possible for them to reach “the middle” of that spectrum, happiness.
Jesse did a quick headcount to make sure no one had gone to catch some shut-eye during his chat with Savanna, and once he verified everyone was in the cabin, he started down the aisle only to find himself stopping just short of Ella’s seat.
As if sensing Jesse’s presence, Ella opened her eyes, and he hoped she’d see the apology in his gaze. So many sorrys for so many reasons hung on the tip of his tongue.
But if he stood there any longer, he’d lose his moral compass and drag her into his arms. Carry her into the bedroom and rip the side seam of that white dress to expose her thighs and see if she had white panties beneath it.
“You okay?” Ella whispered, snapping him free from yet another fantasy.
“Bathroom,” he mumbled, knowing there was another restroom near the cockpit, but the one attached to the bedroom had a shower and would decrease the chances of someone hearing him jacking off. Not how he pictured his wedding night with Ella, not that he’d spent much time over the years picturing it. In fact, he never thought it’d happen. And certainly not because she was in danger.
“Ohh . . . kay.” She knew what that “oh” did to him, damn it. The way she licked her lips before rounding her mouth and releasing the sound made his dick twitch in anticipation of her dropping to her knees, sliding his hard length between her lips, and sucking him dry.
Either the twitch of his dick was noticeable even behind the thick material of his khakis, or her thoughts were in line with his because her gaze fell straight to his crotch. And at that, he knotted his hands at his sides to keep from doing something crazy.
Forcing himself to look away from her, he went into the bedroom to get himself off. In the bathroom of Carter’s jet. Good God, what was wrong with him?
Jesse eyed the bed, knowing he wouldn’t take Ella for the first time in three years on Carter’s plane, even if she were to walk into the room and strip down to her panties like she’d done before.
He looked away from the bed, feeling a bit . . . hopeless, then went into the connecting bathroom. The shower was larger than he’d expected but definitely not big enough for two people, though he’d be willing to test it out with Ella. They’d made good use of their shower in New York, and that thought alone took his cock from partially to painfully hard.
“Fuck it,” he said, undoing his pants just enough to free himself.
He braced a hand against the door and began stroking his length, not giving a damn that he was thirty thousand feet in the air with his teammates only two doors away.
This woman made his blood pressure go through the fucking roof when she was around him.
The number of times he’d had to cut and run in her presence to “handle” himself so that he didn’t toss her over his shoulder and throw her onto his bed in the last three years had been one too many.
Letting out a groan, he swiped his thumb across the head of his cock, using the bead of precum as he slid his hand from root to tip, all the while wondering what it would feel like to have Ella’s pouty lips wrapped around him instead and realizing it would likely never happen.
“Ella.” He murmured her name a few more times, unable to stop himself.
He let his head fall to the door in frustration. How could he not have committed to her after they’d slept together? How had he let her go, told her to live her life, watched her almost marry another man when all he’d ever wanted was her ?
A moment later, he went completely still at the realization he wasn’t alone in the bedroom.
He shifted his painfully hard cock back into his pants and zipped up before bringing his ear to the door to listen closer.
Did Savanna and Griffin not know he was back there? They didn’t do a headcount first and check like he’d done?
Soft murmurs, the sounds of sex, were just audible enough for him to hear but too faint for anyone in the cabin outside the bedroom to most likely make out.
But he didn’t hear a male’s voice . . . Ella?
His heart went into overdrive as he opened the door inward and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Ella on the bed, the skirt of her dress bunched around her waist. But what had him almost swallowing his tongue was the sight of her thrumming her clit, panties pushed down her thighs, with her gaze locked on him.
She didn’t blink, didn’t stop, just captured his attention with her rounded mouth and breathy moans.
Jesse stood in place, bringing his hands to the top of the doorframe, not sure if he was hallucinating as he watched this goddess in white silk on the small bed touching herself.
“Don’t stop,” he commanded when she’d slowed her movements, her eyes fluttering from his demand.
She sat up taller, keeping her hand over her smooth center, and he was just cocky enough to think that she’d gone bare for him. With her back to the headboard, she pinned her knees together to hide the view between her legs. “I came to talk to you, and then I heard you . . .”
“You heard me?” He remained glued to the doorway, knowing if he moved a muscle, he’d either climb on that bed and pry her knees apart or shatter the illusion.
It was the first time in three years he’d seen her like this, and he’d be damned if he left this room without seeing more.
Screw his morals and rational thought.
“I heard you,” she said again, her eyes wandering to his unbuttoned pants. “And I guess I don’t have much restraint when it comes to you.” She cocked her head. “Anger or arousal, right? No in-between.”
He cleared his throat because, really, what could he say to that?
“I never stood a chance though. You know what you do to me.” She slid her finger along her seam, showing him how wet she was and holy hell.
He clamped down on his back teeth, still not believing this was real.
“You know how many times I’ve had to disappear from a room you’re in to go touch myself?” she whispered, slipping that finger into her pussy and letting out a moan.
“Same. Fucking same,” was all he could manage.
She quietly eyed him before saying in a sultry voice, “It’s always hate-sex that gets me off because I’m always so fucking mad at you that . . .” She added a second finger and closed her eyes in pleasure.
He unglued his hands from the doorframe at her breathy confession and stepped into the room, allowing the bathroom door to shut behind him. A quick check of the lock on the bedroom door confirmed she’d been a good girl, and they were safe from interruption.
“You ever have hate-sex between us in your head? Or is that just me?” Ella didn’t miss a beat. She kept talking and touching herself, her free hand now pinching her nipple through the material of her dress, and he was growing more lightheaded by the second.
He palmed his dick over his pants, on the verge of losing his load if she kept this up. “I don’t have hate-anything with you,” he admitted. “But do I think about you when I come? Every fucking time.” Her hands stilled at his confession, the only movement the rise and fall of her chest as she processed his words. “Did I say you could stop, darling?”
Her body shivered before following his command, and as he closed the remaining distance to the foot of the bed, she asked while parting her lids, “Did you finish in the bathroom?”
“Does it look like I finished?” he asked as he lowered the zipper of his pants and gripped his aching dick, an obvious wet spot on his boxers from her little show.
Ella kept her eyes on his hand now stroking his cock as she circled the pad of her thumb over her clit. “I don’t want you touching me. I—I can’t handle that. I’m still mad at you, but I need to come.”
“What do you need from me?” He did his best to keep his voice even as she met his gaze, though he was anything but.
“Just watch me. Stay right there and watch me.”
He let go of a heavy breath, his balls tightening to the point of pain at her request.
“You sure?” he asked, uncertain if he’d be able to just stand there and watch her come without finding relief, but if it was what she needed . . .
Ella nodded and slid those two fingers deeper inside her tight channel. “This doesn’t change?—”
“I know,” he finished for her, doing his best not to scoop her into his arms and ravish her.
Her hand went still for a moment as she tipped her chin like a directive. “Actually, what I want is to watch you getting off from watching me touch myself.”
She’s trying to kill me.
But who was he to deny her request?
He kept the front of his legs pressed against the foot of the bed as he lowered the waistband of his boxers beneath his balls, wanting to be as close as possible without losing the beautiful view, and a little gasp fell from her lips as he worked his hand over his cock.
“Tell me about this angry sex.” He refused to use the word hate when it came to making love to this woman. She’d admitted she didn’t hate him so much as not trust him at the wedding, but deep in his gut, he knew it was most likely both.
“Well, um.”
He continued to fist his cock, waiting for her to reveal her dirty thoughts, ones he knew would live in his head forever, just like this moment between them.
“We’d be arguing like we always do, and then the next thing I know, you’d be tearing my clothes from my body. You’d press me against the glass door in your bedroom and pin my arms overhead and take me hard. So fucking hard,” she said around a whimper as if on the verge of coming.
“I need my mouth on you, Ella,” he rasped, his tone downright dark. “I want you coming on my tongue instead of your hand.” He stared deep into her eyes, praying to God she changed her mind and gave in to his request. “Say yes. Give me the fucking word. Please.”
A small nod followed her deep exhalation, and that was all he needed to release his hard length and go to her.
He leaned over the bed and grabbed hold of her thighs, swiftly pulling her to the edge of the bed, and a squeak of surprise escaped her.
Falling to his knees, he peeled her panties all the way off, hooked her legs over his shoulders, and brought his mouth over her sex, breathing in her delicious scent.
Jesse’s stomach muscles banded tight in anticipation as he tried to slow himself down, wanting to live in this moment for as long as possible. He slowly trailed his lips over the smooth skin between her legs, rolling his tongue over her sensitive clit.
“Ohhh,” she cried out, and that single word snapped the last threads of his control. He plunged two fingers inside her pussy, and her back arched off the bed in pleasure. The sound of his name falling from her lips again and again had his dick leaking even more, and he let out a groan.
At the feel of her hands in his hair, clawing at his head with her short nails as he licked and sucked, he added more pressure to her clit, sensing she not only could handle it, but she wanted it.
“Oh my God,” she said, beginning to ramble. “I—I can’t . . . this is . . . oh my God.”
He wanted to slide his other hand up to palm her breast, but he was too consumed worshipping her sex to do much else.
“Don’t stop. Don’t stop,” she pleaded far too soon because he didn’t want to be done with her yet.
But at her request, he added a third finger, thrusting in and out in time with the movement of his tongue. Her breathing became ragged, and he flicked his gaze up for a moment to see the rise and fall of her breasts. She was close, he could tell, and when she began clenching around him, he couldn’t help but rumble out, “Come for me, Ella.”
Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle a moan, and her entire body convulsed as she came. She was so fucking beautiful as she rode out her orgasm that he couldn’t get himself to back away. So sexy. So everything.
So . . . mine.
“Jesse, I—I can’t take anymore. Please. It’s so good it hurts.” Ella gently shoved at his shoulders, and he finally relented, lifting his head in surrender.
His gaze fell to the pink flesh between her thighs, also slightly red from his facial hair that’d scraped her skin. He wanted to set the crown of his cock inside her and stare at their two bodies connected.
“You should also . . . you know.”
Now you’re shy?
Her cheeks flushed as she pulled her legs from his shoulders to sit upright. Once on his feet, she waved a hand in the air as if there was any question as to what she meant.
“And you should leave,” he growled out. “Because I want you, Ella Mae. More than you can possibly know.” He was certain she understood his confession went beyond sex. “And I won’t have our next time be on this plane with everyone out there.”
“Our next time?” There was a slight challenge to her tone as if the intense desire of the past few minutes was waning, and she started remembering her anger. Back to anger, bye-bye, lust.
He was about to tuck his length back into his pants to go take care of himself in the bathroom, but she caught him off guard by shaking her head.
“Touch yourself,” she murmured, her eyes lifting to his face. “I want to watch.” A small swallow followed. “I need to see you come undone for me.”
Well, damn.
“But you’re right. If we . . . again . . . it shouldn’t be here.”
Jesse slowly nodded, standing at the end of the bed, surprised by the fact Ella shifted the skirt of her dress to provide him that incredible view while he began to glide his hand up and down.
Oh, she’d see him come undone, but he bit back the burning desire to come on her tits and mark her as his.
Next time, maybe.
If.
This wasn’t fiction. He wasn’t some character in Savanna’s romance novels—this was real life.
But that didn’t mean Savanna wasn’t right, and if he could get his head on straight, maybe he’d find a way to win back Ella’s trust or die trying.