Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“I’m done. We’re done. We’ve been done long before this thing with Alice. And honestly, Sydney, did you ever even love me? Are you capable of love?” The words Seth had thrown at her the day she’d learned of his affair with Alice four years ago echoed through her mind at his news, so instead of switching Seth off speakerphone, she ended the call, having no desire to continue the conversation right now.
Sydney leaned back in her seat, her thighs sticking to the leather, and wondered why the heck the driver hadn’t turned on the A/C because the breeze streaming through the open windows was a soup of hot and humid air. She tucked her phone back into her purse and put on her best poker face to keep from revealing how she felt about Seth’s news. But when she looked up, Mya was still watching her, a mixture of sadness and pity on her face. Now her best friend knew why Sydney had been “off.”
The crazy thing? She couldn’t care less if Alice and Seth got married or even wanted to start a family and have a house full of babies. It was Levi’s reaction to it all and how he’d handle the new dynamic that she was worried about. God, he was still trying to get used to high school as the youngest freshman there, and now this?
“I’m so sorry,” Mya silently mouthed to Sydney.
Just that morning, Mya admitted she’d learned of her father’s string of affairs, and the last thing Sydney wanted was for Mya to worry about Sydney’s problems too.
Oliver patted her knee twice before she could respond, making her flinch. “You okay?” he asked.
Stuck between Beckett and Oliver, her arms pinned at her sides and her hands set on her purse, Sydney was trapped like a sardine in a can, unable to even squirm without elbowing both men. She did her best to remain still, trying to act as if she were unaffected by Seth’s phone call, and lied, “A hundred percent.”
“I’ve never known you to be anything less than a hundred and fifty.” Oliver was doing his best to comfort her. He was better at dealing with feelings and emotions than her, but not by much.
Most of the team tended to keep their thoughts under lock and key. It kept them focused on the job, and it was safer for everyone if they didn’t allow their personal lives to get in the way during missions.
Like I am now. The rest of the drive was painfully quiet. Even the beautiful scenery wasn’t enough to distract her thoughts, to keep her past from needling her in the ribs, poking and prodding much too close to her heart and threatening to crack the defenses she’d erected years ago. Not enough . Seth’s constant refrain aimed at her and her competence as a wife and lover, as Levi’s mother, and even her professional life had been what turned her into an even harder and colder person. Was I really that bad before though?
“We’re here,” the driver abruptly announced, hitting a massive pothole in the dirt road just before driving through a gated entrance.
“Sydney?” Oliver prompted as if still waiting for her to overturn his concerns and prove she was as “okay” as she’d clearly failed to let on.
She peeked at him from over her shoulder and found him studying her with a worried look. He knew Seth was her ex, but he didn’t know the dark and gritty details of why they’d divorced.
But Sydney was familiar with the look in Oliver’s light brown eyes. Part sympathy and part “want to kill a guy” for upsetting a teammate. He was becoming like a brother, and as an only child, part of her had always wanted an overprotective sibling.
She’d hoped for a lot of “brother-types” in the Army, but it took time to earn their trust. Even as a cadet at West Point, women were still heavily outnumbered.
Eventually, while serving, she’d found her tribe. Found a group that had accepted her. Let her into their circle. And then . . .
“I’m good,” she promised. I will be. As long as Levi’s okay, I’ll be fine.
“The Gabriel hacienda is pretty far back in the woods,” Mya piped up, breaking the awkward tension. “We’re pretty much in the jungle.”
“Se?or Gabriel purchased this property two years ago. It’s quite the place. We call it El Gimnasio de la Selva .” The driver caught Sydney’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “The Jungle Gym,” he translated as they neared the front of the sprawling estate. “There are twenty bungalows on the property as well. We have set up four for you all. Unless you are couples and wish to share?”
“No, four rooms, por favor .” Sydney spotted a helo pad off to their right and noticed Martín’s helo had yet to return. “Is Martín still at our resort?”
“ Sí . He’s asked me to bring you to your rooms to relax and freshen up. He will meet you back here for dinner in the courtyard with his wife,” he informed them as they rounded the circular driveway in front of the pinkish-hued stucco home, which Mother Earth appeared to have partially reclaimed with vines winding up the front. The architecture had a Spanish colonial feel to it, but she doubted the place was very old.
The moment Oliver exited the vehicle, Sydney scooted across the seat and stepped out, desperate for a breath of fresh air. Beckett retrieved their luggage from the trunk, while Oliver did the same for himself and Mya. But when the driver began walking and motioned for them to follow, Sydney couldn’t move a muscle.
Beckett set the bags down and approached her, shielding his eyes with his hand to keep the bright, beating sun free from his face. There was a narrow opening between the leaves overhead, and the light seemed to strike him step by step as he closed the gap between them.
Sydney set a hand to her abdomen, trying to wrap her head around whatever strange sensations seemed to be attacking her. A tingling feeling in her hands. A tremble in her stomach. Her heart racing. A tightness in her chest. Was this a panic attack? Levi had described the same sensations after he’d had his first one shortly after he’d learned of the affair, and . . . is this one? Why now?
“I’m coming.” She waved Mya off, feeling her friend’s eyes on her without looking her way. “Go ahead. Be right behind you.”
Sydney focused on Beckett quietly standing before her, his hand at his side now that they were in the shade, but he didn’t say a word.
You were betrayed too. You know exactly what I’ve been through. She frowned at that fact because she hated the idea of others suffering, but she knew Beckett had gone through hell too. And he recognized the last thing she needed was pity.
She wasn’t sure how long they simply stood there staring into each other’s eyes. A handful of seconds? A minute or two?
But the tightness in her chest lost its hold beneath his steady brown gaze. The comfort he managed to offer her from his quiet but strong presence helped pull her back together. Helped remind her she was tough.
You’re a badass warrior, Mom. She decided to replace Seth’s words with her son’s, and more of the painful sensations in her body seemed to drift free.
“Let’s go,” she said softly and tipped her head in thanks for what he’d done for her, quietly being there for her, knowing what she’d needed. “I’m ready.”
He retrieved their bags once again and hung behind her as they traveled through the massive double-door entranceway.
Oliver, Mya, and their driver stood in the foyer discussing the history of the property.
“Hey.” Mya gave her an easy, sweet smile, an invitation to join in on their conversation.
Sydney wasn’t up for talking, so she was happy Mya peppered their driver, now their tour guide, with questions about the estate as they navigated the gorgeous property.
Sydney barely noticed the beautiful details and design inside the home or the jungle setting once they were back outside either. And had Beckett not warned her, she would have tripped over an iguana lounging on the path leading to their bungalows.
“Here we are.” Their guide stopped and opened his palms near four structures—two buildings on each side of the wider part of the trail, surrounded by trees. Hammocks of brightly woven material hung on the small front porch areas of each bungalow.
“What are they made of?” Mya asked, pointing to the bungalows while they approached.
“Mostly chukum stucco. Chukum bark is all over the Yucatán Peninsula. The bark’s color is what gives the exterior that earthy, natural color. And the thatched roofs are made of dried palm leaves. The bungalows don’t have AC units, but there’s a fan over each bed. And a small outdoor shower attached at the side.”
Sydney’s attention swerved toward Beckett to discover him scrutinizing her intently, but not in the same way he’d looked at her in the hotel room. No, that blaze of desire from earlier had been replaced with something else. Concern?
“Well.” The man slapped his palms together and rubbed them. “Can I get you anything else?”
“We’re all set.” Sydney thanked him and watched as he walked toward the main house, then quickly lifted her eyes toward a rustling sound in a nearby tree and swore she spotted a spider monkey spying on them. So much for the option to have a private shower. This little guy would creep on her for sure.
“I’ll set your stuff down in one of the bungalows.” Beckett tossed a look back at her. “Matter which one?”
“Any. Thank you.” She pivoted her gaze to Mya. “Give me a minute, and then we can talk?” She knew Mya was anxious to have the official, Are you okay? conversation after Seth’s call.
“Okay.” Mya retreated to her bungalow, and Oliver did the same, leaving Sydney out there alone and so deeply mired in her thoughts that she slammed into a wall of muscle as she entered the doorway of her bungalow.
“Shit, sorry.” Beckett grabbed her arm like she might lose her balance.
“No problem. Thanks for dropping off my bag.” Sydney managed a small smile that apparently did nothing to convince Beckett she was fine because he kept hold of her arm and tilted his head, studying her once again. She tensed when he took a small step closer, lifted his other hand, and skated the pad of his thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear she hadn’t known was there.
“The wind,” she sputtered. “It must have made my eyes water.” I don’t cry. Not over Seth. Hell no.
Beckett’s brown eyes narrowed as he replied, “Of course,” before backing up to allow her inside the room.
She quickly wiped her fingers across her cheeks before turning to find him still standing in the doorway.
“My son didn’t take the divorce well.” The words fell from her lips before she could catch them. And now she’d have to add more to that sudden drop of information. “I’m worried how he’ll feel about his father remarrying. Seth’s not his biological father, but he raised him and so . . .” Why am I telling you this?
Beckett took one step forward.
Just the one.
But it was enough to send her back two.
“I guess I just gave you the bullet point version of my life. Minus a few major, um, bullets.” She gently set a hand across her throat, willing herself to shut up. Mya was right earlier when they were on the beach. It wasn’t like Sydney to ramble. Babble. Blabber. Whatever.
“Bullet points,” he said in almost a whisper as if those words meant something to him. He drew a hand across his mouth before gently stroking his jaw. “I’ll take any bullets you want to send my way.”
“Literally?” She arched a brow to break whatever spell she’d seemingly fallen under. Was the jungle enchanted? Because right now, an intimacy stretched between them that went beyond the physical. “Or just figuratively?”
“I would have taken a bullet for you in that jungle if need be, yes. Without hesitation.”
She was the one taking a step closer to him this time. “I wouldn’t have let you.” She erased the last bit of space between them, tempted to set a hand to his heart. To try and ease the burdens he was carrying because she knew how heavy hers were, and she could see the suffering burning in his eyes.
Well, something was burning there. Maybe it wasn’t just mental anguish?
She gathered in a small breath when his hands framed her body. “I’m going to hug you right now. Just giving you a heads-up so you don’t?—”
“Hurt you?” She sent him a nervous smile, and he nodded. “And if I’m not the hugging type?” For a guy whose sister referred to him as Mr. Grump, he was throwing her off yet again.
“Then permission to hurt me when I go in, but I’m gonna do it anyway.” His resolute tone was surprisingly comforting.
“I guess a hug is better than a bullet,” she whispered, a bit unsure, but she let him do it anyway.
He gently pinned his chest to her body, and his hands traveled around to her back. “Thanks for not?—”
“Kneeing you in the groin,” she cut him off again, unable to stop her mouth from running away like always in these situations. Because she really didn’t know how to do this. But she was trying. For whatever reason, she found herself wanting to try.
“Precisely.”
She took her cue from the tone of his voice and willed her body to relax, to let the stiffness melt away. It’d been so long since she’d allowed anyone to comfort her that she felt out of practice.
Had she ever let Seth just hold her like this?
She released the thought, not wanting to think about him right now.
So, she turned her cheek and closed her eyes, listening to the sound of Beckett’s strong, steady heartbeat.
He quietly held her there like that, one hand softly stroking up and down her back. Caressing and calming her for a few minutes.
“I clearly don’t do this,” she admitted without pulling away.
“Do what exactly? Hug?”
“Show weakness.” Her confession had him easing back, and he freed his arms from her body but then tipped her chin with a fist, guiding her eyes to meet his.
“I’d hardly call this weakness. But it’s not something I’m so great at doing myself, if I’m being honest.”
“Hugging or?” she whispered as he opened his fist and slid his palm along her cheek.
“Opening up.” He tilted his head, eyes focused on her mouth as if he wanted to kiss her.
And she doubted she’d resist. The pull between them was strong.
She didn’t have to decide whether to stop him or encourage him because Gray’s name suddenly popped up on her watch at the same time her phone began ringing, causing them both to freeze.
Did Gray have news?
She had no idea how she’d found herself caught up in this man’s arms, with her heart on her sleeve. That was way more Mya’s thing. It was for the best that Gray interrupted.
Beckett roped a hand around the back of his neck, his eyes still trained on her watch, and then she remembered that he’d answered Gray’s call on her cell earlier while she’d been in the shower. Ah, she hadn’t filled Beckett in on those particular bullet points from her life at West Point with Gray. And while there was nothing between them now, he was still protective, so no telling what Gray had said to Beckett.
She supposed it didn’t matter. There couldn’t be any more almost-moments between her and Beckett. For too many reasons to list.
“I should, um, take that,” she said before answering the call over her Apple watch.
“Hey, you at your new place?” Gray asked when the call connected.
“Yeah, we’re here.” She stole a quick look at Beckett, his jaw clenched as if he were struggling with the same thoughts she’d just had. The what did I almost do? kind.
“Are you alone right now?” The thinly veiled hint of reproach in Gray’s voice said it all.
“You hear from Jesse?” she deflected, hoping for a subject change for all their sakes.
The line was quiet for a moment before Gray shared, “Jesse made contact via our protocols. I won’t get into the details, but he’s safe.”
“Next steps?” she asked, checking Beckett’s reaction to the news and finding the obvious signs of relief in every square inch of his body.
“He said to hang tight. Working on a plan,” Gray responded. “But in the meantime, we’re running a few leads as to how Cora may possibly have a connection to this club Capone. Or why her sister was there in the first place.” At the mention of Cora, Beckett looked toward the door as though he might bolt. “But what I’d like to know is what in God’s name happened today?”
Sydney quickly explained the details involving Mya and her inside man at the cartel, and Gray quietly listened.
“She knows she can’t go rogue like that if she joins our team, right?” Of course, that’d be by-the-book Gray’s reaction.
“Obviously.”
“Okay, well, I’m glad you’re all safe. Good thing Oliver happened to be there to have your six,” Gray continued. “And Carter’s friend, Martín, too.” He paused for a moment, and Sydney didn’t fail to notice he’d purposely left out Beckett’s name. “Well, call me if anything changes.”
“Did you tell Ella?” Beckett asked, taking her by surprise, announcing his presence and that she was not alone.
Silence hung in the air for a moment before Gray said, “She was the first call we made. Your sister insisted on that during our last talk.” A pause before, “I, uh, have to go. Talk soon.” And then the call ended.
She didn’t need this attitude from her teammate. Please tell me you don’t still have feelings for me, Gray. Her focus landed on the only piece of furniture in the room, the bed with a simple black comforter on top. Most likely, the rooms were normally used for the guys on Martín’s team.
“I told you we didn’t need to worry about Jesse. He’ll be fine,” she finally managed while turning to face Beckett.
He nodded. “I’m sorry about Gray. I hope I haven’t caused any problems for you two by being here now, or well, the whole shower thing earlier.”
“There’s nothing between us,” she quickly explained.
That didn’t mean there could be anything between her and Beckett, but the man didn’t need extra guilt on his shoulders, thinking he’d almost kissed a taken woman. And they had almost kissed. She didn’t think she’d imagined that moment, even if she was hungry and a little dehydrated.
Beckett dragged his gaze to her face, but why in the hell did he not seem convinced by her answer? Ah, Cora. He had trust issues. And sadly, she could relate. “I’m going to take another shower,” she decided to let him know for whatever ridiculous reason. Like there isn’t enough tension with us? Sure, go ahead and tell him you’re getting naked again. Perfect.
But she really did need to get her head back on straight, and usually, a cold shower helped shock her system.
She had no clue if it’d be enough to help her forget the Seth and Alice news. Or the possibility that Gray may still have feelings for her.
But she most definitely had to stop whatever was going on with Beckett.
Her walls needed to go back up. She had to go back to defense mode.
Because she knew without a doubt that she’d never survive another broken heart, even if her asshole ex didn’t think she actually had one to begin with.
She did.
The problem right now . . . it sure as hell felt like it was beating for a stranger.