Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“I promise everything will be okay,” Sydney told Levi over the phone an hour after Gray and Griffin had left the safe house for the airport. They’d be back soon, and she wanted to check in on her son before solely focusing on the mission.
“Alice had dinner here tonight,” Levi whispered. “Dad’s trying to turn us into a family. But Alice stopped being family the day she betrayed you.”
Sydney dropped onto the bottom bunk in the bedroom, careful not to whack her head on the bed above her.
“We’ll figure it out when I come home,” she forced out in as steady a voice as possible. “Will you put your dad on the phone?” Seth had left five messages since his marriage announcement yesterday, and she hadn’t had the stomach to call him back before now.
“Sure. Don’t forget . . .”
“Stay safe, I know.” She smiled even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “I love you.”
“Love you more,” he said before calling for Seth.
She set her free hand on her thigh, bracing herself for the rest of the conversation.
“I’ve called you a half dozen fucking times, Sydney,” Seth bit out the moment he picked up the line.
“Whiskey. Tango,” Levi began, enunciating each word in the background in a low voice, “Foxtrot. Daaaad.”
“That shit works with your mom, but not me. Get in your room,” Seth snapped, his tone sharp. It had Sydney back on her feet, ready to go to bat for her son. All day. Every day.
“Give him hell, Mom. You have my permission,” was the last thing Levi said, and she heard his angry steps fading in the background.
“Oh, you need permission to be a bitch to me now, huh?”
Who the hell was he right now? He never talked to her like that. Even when they fought in the past, he wasn’t that much of an asshole. Was this Alice’s doing? Was she trying to place an even greater wedge between them? Was she worried he might cheat on her the way he’d cheated on Sydney?
“Have you been drinking?” That was the only possible explanation for his insane behavior. Historically, he didn’t handle his liquor well. Maybe he was anxious about having Alice over for dinner with Levi and had one too many.
“I’ve been on edge since I shared the engagement with you yesterday, and you hung up on me. So yeah, I’m drinking. Not your problem.”
“It is my problem when my son is at your house and I’m relying on you to take care of him.” She paced the length of the small room between the two bunk beds.
“He’s your son now, is he? Never mind the fact I adopted him ten years ago. Raised him like my own. His biological father’s only contribution was to knock you up during a one-night stand.”
Sydney stopped walking and did her best to pull herself together. “Levi’s father never had a chance to be in his life. He died serving our country, so don’t you dare disrespect him like that.” Torn between rage and tears, she curled the fingers of her free hand into her palm and set her fist over her heart. Fighting hadn’t been her intention, and she probably wouldn’t have made the call if she’d known Seth had been drinking.
“I’m sorry,” Seth surprised her by saying, his voice softer this time. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just mad.”
“And why exactly are you mad at me?” she asked, keeping her fist firmly to her chest. When he didn’t elaborate, and she heard the swish of liquid, she realized he was drinking straight from the bottle. Perfect. “You’re marrying my ex-best friend, the woman you cheated on me with. Hell, she’s trying to take my life from me. Has the nerve to even wear my perfume. If anything, I should be upset with you.”
“I bought her that perfume.”
Wait, what? “Why would you do that?” Did he realize how insane he sounded right now, liquor or not?
“Because I . . . because I miss the way our home used to smell. How you smell.” He’d gone from sounding angry to a wounded animal in a matter of seconds.
Annnd I need to sit again. “You hate me. Cheated on me. You’re marrying someone else. Why do you miss how I smell?” She shook her head. “This is the alcohol.” But had he been drunk when he bought Alice the Tom Ford Lost Cherry perfume too?
“The person you’ve become since we divorced is the woman I always wanted you to be.” He sighed. “Why’d you become her now? Why not when we were together?”
You’ve got to be kidding me.
“I always thought you were cheating on me while you were traveling. Your dad had you working in all those exotic locations during our marriage, and I just assumed . . .”
“Not this again,” she whispered. “I didn’t cheat. And your what-if scenarios about me were no excuse for what you did.” This conversation was way heavier than she’d anticipated it would be. She’d planned to say, Marry Alice, I don’t care. But make sure every decision you make is okay with Levi first , but this . . . THIS? What was this conversation? What was happening right now?
“I miss you,” Seth slurred.
A humorless chuckle fell from her lips, but her stomach dropped right along with the fake laugh. “That’s the alcohol talking. You don’t mean any of this.”
Not that it changed anything. But first Gray and now Seth.
What were the chances?
He was quiet for a moment before adding, “I’m sorry for calling you a bitch, or well, alluding to you being like one.” And then the line went dead.
Sydney stared at the phone in her hand, trying to grasp what had happened. From Levi yelling at his dad to Seth professing she’d become the woman he’d always wanted her to be.
So, she hadn’t been good enough for him then? But I am now?
She wasn’t sure how long she sat in a daze after tossing her phone on the bed, but at some point she’d found herself in the nearest bathroom to check her eyes. To ensure they weren’t bloodshot before facing one more man tonight. The only man she wanted to see. And he’s off-limits. Well, for now.
She went in search of the room Beckett had selected, unsure if he was still there, and found him two doors down, alone on a bottom bunk with his head in his hands.
“Mind if I come in?” She’d rather talk now before Gray came back. She wasn’t entirely sure what to say, but she assumed a conversation with him would go much better than it had with Gray and Seth.
Beckett lifted his head and looked over at her. “Of course.” His voice was raw and raspy as if he’d been yelling, but she didn’t take him for the type to have a shouting match with the wall.
“I know it’s not easy for you to stay here instead of going to get Elaina and Emily. I’m sorry.”
“I guess I should’ve expected some animosity from Gray.” He remained seated, and she wasn’t sure if she ought to risk joining him.
The last time they were together on a bed . . . well, the man had more than delivered. She didn’t trust her body to not respond around him. She didn’t have control over the feelings he provoked. But more than that, her guard kept crashing down when he was near.
“Gray’s stubborn,” she responded as if he hadn’t guessed as much.
“That makes two of us,” he tossed back with a self-deprecating smile.
She turned, giving him her profile as her nerves bested her. But at the feel of Beckett’s fingers skimming the side of her hand, she faced him.
Beckett wrapped his hand around hers, and that firm, masculine touch had her eyes closing. He guided her to the bed, and she sat next to him, not ready to look him in the eyes. “This okay? Gray’s still gone, but I’m not quite sure of the rules.”
He kept hold of her hand as she opened her eyes and looked his way, but within a second, he understood she was on the verge of breaking into a hundred pieces.
He turned on the bed and palmed her cheek with his free hand. “What happened? Did someone say something?” he said darkly, his pupils dilating a touch.
Dilated pupils, didn’t Ecstasy do that? Impact mood. Desire. Mimic the natural emotions that were now on full display from Beckett.
The case. I need to focus. That drug . . .
Worry clung to his dark eyes as he asked, “Did someone hurt you?”
“Does emotional damage count?”
“That’s the worst kind for me.” His honesty and lack of hiding behind some manly concept of needing to be tough twenty-four seven was humbling. And appreciated. “What’s wrong?”
“So many things.” She frowned and let go of a sigh as he leveled her with a hard look, one that said he’d hurt anyone who’d so much as upset her.
He smoothed the back of his hand along her cheek, and her lids fluttered closed once again. The way he touched her, the way he seemed to know what she needed and how she needed it was just . . .
“When I’m confused or unsure about something, I call Levi’s dad,” she confessed, her body trembling as she shared something no one else knew. Well, no one aside from her therapist, who’d first recommended the idea two years ago. “Not Seth. I mean his birth father, Matt. The man who never had a chance to see Levi born because he died. Roadside bomb.”
She scooched a bit closer to him, their knees bumping in the process. And he squeezed her hand with his other one, a gentle and reassuring, I’m here for you.
“I was a Military Intelligence officer and had tried out for one of the Cultural Support Teams. I made it and was later attached to a group of Green Berets. I deployed to Afghanistan whenever they did,” she slowly shared. “Matt was one of the guys I worked with, and we became friends. Totally platonic. It was never like that.” She took a few breaths, working up to the next part. “One night, we were both feeling pretty shitty about life. The war. Everything. And we . . . you know.” She didn’t need to spell it out for him. “It was a mistake. Also, forbidden. And the next day, we both agreed it’d never happen again.”
The fact Beckett was still holding her hand through this meant more to her than she could put into words. She felt his compassion in his touch and not a flinch in the way of judgment.
“Six weeks later, I realized I was pregnant. Matt barely had time to process the news because a day later, he was ordered to roll out on an op. A target package my team had put together was given the green light by the higher-ups. It was my intelligence that put him on the road that day.” A sharp, stabbing pain filled her abdomen as she recalled the moment she’d learned an IED had killed Matt and severely wounded another guy on the team.
“You know this, but I need to say it anyway—it wasn’t your fault.”
She knew that, yes. But it didn’t erase the horrible pit of guilt when that thought hit her at the start of each day. “Matt didn’t have any family. He grew up in foster care. Never adopted.”
“That’s not true. He had family. The military. And now, he still has family. He lives on through Levi.”
Her attempts to resist crying at his words failed. It was hard not to shed her emotions when Beckett framed her face with both palms, and a few tears fell freely.
“I leave him messages about Levi. Ask him for advice. I pay to have a number in service so I can do this. I know that sounds . . .”
“You amaze me, that’s all I know.” Beckett’s rough voice had her meeting his eyes, finding them glistening as if he might cry too.
“If I were amazing, I never would’ve married a man I didn’t love.” She still wasn’t sure if she had said yes to Seth’s proposal as one last act of rebellion against her father since her dad hated Seth. Or because she felt rushed to provide Levi with a role model growing up. “And I’m not sure if you heard Gray share this morning that he knows Seth cheated on me four years ago with one of my best friends.”
“You tell me what you want and when you want to. No rush.”
How’d she feel closer to Beckett in thirty-six hours than she ever had with Seth in all their years of marriage?
“Seth just told me he misses me. He wishes I was the person I am now when we were together. As if that’d have made a difference in our marriage. But he was drunk, so I’m sure he’s just confused.”
Beckett slanted his brows in surprise. “So, he proposed to your former best friend as a way to . . . what, make you jealous? Get you back?” He narrowed his eyes as if he didn’t understand how two plus two made four in this case.
“I don’t think so, but it wouldn’t matter. We’re done.” She let that sink in for a moment. “And Gray,” she began, realizing he needed to hear this one more time, even though she’d already told him as much. “He and I won’t be getting back together either.”
He quietly studied her, his hands on his lap now. She took the chance to rid herself of any remaining tears and stood. “Can I ask you something?”
She faced him, unsure what to do with her arms. There was so much tension there. Everywhere for that matter. “Sure.”
He slowly rose and removed his ball cap, a new one he must’ve grabbed from his suitcase since she was pretty sure he’d lost his other one in the jungle. “What do you want?”
“That’s easy.” She wet her lips and stared into his eyes, a sense of calm washing over her with his gaze pointed her way. “I want what I can’t have.”