Chapter 30
CHAPTER 30
WILL
T he scowl adorning Ryan’s thick eyebrows is definitely not a good sign.
He leans back against his chair, arms crossed. I came here today specifically to talk to him, and now that Sophie’s busy, I thought it was a good time. But I dread it. Just as I thought, Ryan looks furious.
I’ve only come back to the office once since Sophie got sick. As it happens, Ryan wasn’t there. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ve let any of my work suffer. Even when I spend my days working with Sophie, I keep up with all my other clients.
But I haven’t been able to face Ryan yet.
“Will,” he starts, using the name typically only reserved for outside of the office. “I’m disappointed.”
I lower my head and pinch my lips. “I know. I’m sorry, Ryan. I know you told me not to go, and all I’ve done is work from home since then, but?—”
He raises a hand, his brown eyes issuing me a warning. I stop. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”
My brows furrow. If that’s not what he’s talking about, then what could he be?—
“I’m disappointed because you weren’t upfront about you and Sophie’s relationship.” Oh. He uncrosses his arms. “Don’t make that face. And don’t lie to me.”
Daggers swim through my abdomen. Shit. This is exactly why I wanted to talk to him. But Ryan knows me too well. “I wanted to tell you,” I start, fighting to find the right words. “That’s why I came here today. To tell you, and to apologize. I’m sorry I haven’t come forward before.” I force myself to look him in the eyes. “I’ll accept any disciplinary action without argument.”
Ryan raises an eyebrow in confusion. “Disciplinary action?” Then, understanding washes through him, and he smiles, leaving me even more confused. “Will, I don’t care about the conflict of interest. You already told me upfront that you and Sophie knew each other. That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is this about?”
His frown is back. “I’m disappointed you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it earlier.” He turns his arms, leaving his palms facing the ceiling, a gesture of surrender. “I told you—I care about you, man. And I don’t want you to fuck this up.”
“What?”
“She’s not like the others, is she?”
I’ve never told Ryan about any of my relationships, because there was never anything to tell. Never a connection worth pursuing. “How do you know?”
“I know because I know you. And word gets around about all your …” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I saw you two in your office earlier. The way you look at her, move around her … She’s actually important to you, isn’t she?”
I sigh. There’s no use lying about it. “You have no idea how much.”
Ryan’s demeanour softens. “I wish you’d shared it with me. I want to help.” His voice is quieter. “Like I said, if she’s that important to you … I don’t want you to fuck it up.”
“How?” Ryan is happily married. He doesn’t have a past like mine, but maybe, just maybe, he might have a word of wisdom to impart to me.
“You’re not gonna like my answer.”
“Tell me.”
“Go to therapy.”
I grunt. “I don’t know, man.”
Ryan laughs, a full-bellied sound that fills his office. “Whatever you’re going through, it’s going to help.”
This time, I’m the one who crosses my arms. “I don’t know. If I just work hard enough and focus, I’ll?—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Ryan says, raising his hand to halt me. “Look around. Do you think I got where I am by just working harder? No, you idiot. I go to therapy. I go home to my wife at night. Sure, I work hard in the office. But hard work alone won’t get you where you want to go.”
I ponder at his words for a moment. The last thing I want is to air out my problems to a stranger while they get paid for it. It doesn’t make any sense to me—how would a stranger understand? How would they know the very thing that could cost me Sophie is my own fault? My own shame at running away when my baby sister needed me most?
But I trust Ryan. I trust Rachel. Both of them are encouraging me to go. There’s got to be something to it.
Ryan must see that I’m starting to come around, because he fishes a card out of his desk drawer and hands it to me. “I trust this man with my life. I’d trust him with yours.” I grab the card and take a look. Dr. Erick Cheng.
It’s time. I need to settle this as soon as I can, before it’s too late. Before Sophie finds out about my family some other way. It has to come from me.
And before I can tell her, I have to face Océane.
“Thank you,” I say, the words as heartfelt as they’ve ever been. “Really.”
Ryan gives a quick nod. “Of course, man.”
Five minutes later, I’m tucked away in the bathroom, getting ready to send two of the most terrifying messages I’ve sent in my entire life. My throat constricts as my thumb hovers over the send button on my phone. Sweat beads on my hairline.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
Visions of memories come swirling at me in a dark storm—Océane’s tiny frame huddled at the corner of the living room, eyes devoid of her light, while everyone cheers in glee while opening presents. Rachel’s smile fading when she realizes something’s wrong. My mind escaping, pretending not to see, because I can’t lose this, my family, they’re all I have, I can’t?—
I’m not strong enough to lose them?—
I swallow back against the knot in my throat and hit send.
Will
Hey, you two. Can we meet up for coffee this weekend?
Rachel
Absolutely, anytime
Océane
Okay, just tell me when
A ragged sigh escapes my throat. I’m doing it. I’m going to face her, face my mistakes, my regrets, tell her she’s the one I should have fought for all along, instead of the illusion of a perfect family I wanted so desperately to keep.
Separately, Rachel texts me back.
Rachel
I’m proud of you, big bro
Rachel
And I’m here for you
Rachel
Call me or come over if you need to talk beforehand
Will
Actually I’m calling someone else now
Rachel
Who?
Will
… a therapist
Rachel
WILL OMG FINALLY
Rachel
GAHH I’m so so SO proud omg
I take a deep breath to steady myself right before I dial the number Ryan gave me.