Chapter 33
CHAPTER 33
SOPHIE
S hit.
He’s going to break up with me.
But that doesn’t make any sense. Just tonight, he told me he loves me. Unless he’s lying. Unless this is what he does to every woman he’s with.
No. This is different. Will has shown he’s different.
Unless …
He’s cheating.
No, stop it, Sophie . I need to give him more credit than that. Just let him talk.
A wave of nausea overtakes my body as I sit up in my bed, my thumb still wet from the tear I wiped away from Will’s cheek. “What is it?”
Will’s eyes go glassy. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows. “You remember, when you met Matt and me, the kind of lifestyle we were living?”
I bite my lip. Of course I remember. The first year we dated, Matt continued to live his rock and roll life. He ditched the hard drugs, but he and Will still partied hard. But when we moved in together and got more serious, I told him he had to slow down if he wanted to be with me.
And slow down he did, thank God. I don’t know how much longer these two could have sustained it. Drinking as much as they did, and sleeping so little, that must’ve shaved a few years off their lives, hadn’t it?
I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
“I don’t know what drove Matt to follow me in my debauchery.” His dark eyes travel downward. “His own demons, maybe. I’ll probably never know. But I need to tell you about mine.”
“Your … demons?” The words come out shaky.
“Yeah.” Will grabs hold of my hands, tethering himself to me. I can’t read his expression anymore. “I haven’t told you the truth about my family.”
I frown in confusion. This isn’t going where I thought at all. But Will continues, “It’s just the three of us now. Me, Rachel, and Océane.” Right. He has a second sister. Whom I know hardly anything about. “Neither of us speaks to our parents anymore.”
“Why?” My stomach churns. I’m terrified.
Will takes a deep breath, letting it out in a ragged sigh. “In her early teens, Océane got sick. She started oversleeping, was always tired, would complain she was in pain. Her grades started going down. Before, she got straight A’s. Just like me and Rachel. Just like my parents pushed her for.” His grip on my hand tightens. “That’s when the abuse started.”
My heart sinks all the way down to my toes. A wave of sadness crashes through me, and all I can do is hold on to Will for dear life. “Oh, Will.”
“We only found out later, when Rachel got Océane out and helped her find a doctor who believed her … she has fibromyalgia. And chronic depression. I can’t really blame her for that.” He laughs without humour. “My parents never believed her. They thought she was making excuses. Being lazy. They belittled her, screamed at her, called her names, gaslit her, took away her privileges when her grades fell.” He’s shaking now. I scoot closer, wanting to offer him all the comfort I can. “Both Rachel and I had moved out of the house by then, but Rachel stood up for her. She’s the one who got her out when things got physical.” My breath catches in my throat.
A hot seed of hatred blooms underneath my breastbone—hatred for two people I don’t even know. I can’t fathom treating my kids that way. “How could they call themselves parents?” I utter in disgust. “To prey on your own child like that … on someone so vulnerable …”
“Every hateful word you can say about them is true, and more,” Will adds. There’s a flash of indescribable pain in his eyes. “But I’m no better.”
“What?” How can he even compare himself to them? I exhale softly. Unless he’s about to tell me he piled onto the abuse with them, I can’t fathom why he’d say something like that about himself.
He’s quiet for a moment. A sinking feeling overtakes my bones. No, it can’t be. “Wait, Will … you didn’t …”
“I ran away.” The words come out strangled—his grip tightens on my hands again, and my fingers go numb. “I was a coward, Sophie.” The tears come streaming down, breaking my heart in two. “I should have stepped in to protect her. I was a grown man, for fuck’s sake!” A sob racks through his body, and I hold him close. “But I couldn’t face it, I couldn’t look at it?—”
“I’m here.”
“And I can hardly look at her now, because every time I do, I see the little girl I abandoned, and I can’t, I?—”
“I’ve got you.”
I hold onto Will as he sinks his head into my chest, allowing the sobs to overtake him. It’s suddenly so clear to me now. The partying. The drugs. All that time spent with Matt.
He couldn’t bear to be alone. He couldn’t bear to be sober.
I can’t even imagine the shame he must feel. And for what? For something that was never his fault. Never his responsibility.
“Maybe you were a grown man,” I begin, gently stroking his short hair, “But you were still so young. And not equipped to deal with this at all. It’s not your fault.”
“I should have been there for her,” he says, teeth gritted.
“Are you there now?”
He struggles to breathe, each breath coming in ragged and quick gasps. I lock eyes with him, taking deep, measured breaths, hoping to guide him. Gradually, and with visible effort, his breathing steadies, aligning with mine in a soothing rhythm.
I repeat my question. “So, are you there now?”
He takes in one long, deep inhale before he dares to try to speak. “I want to be. I didn’t lie about this weekend. I want to start being there for her. I’m done running away.” His eyes travel downward again. “But I don’t think anything can make up for what I’ve done.”
I cup his face. “Look at me.” He does. “You can’t punish yourself for their mistakes. It’s theirs, not yours.”
His brow furrows. “You’re not … upset about this?”
“Of course I’m upset!” I force myself to keep my voice down, not wanting to wake the kids. “I’m upset that your parents are such assholes. I’m upset that you’re torturing yourself over this. Fuck, Will, I love you, and all I want right now is to take that pain away.” If I could, I would take it all upon myself to wipe his slate clean.
He takes such good care of me. Of us. He has to see that, right?
“You must already think I’m not trustworthy. I thought this would drive it home. That I can’t be relied on.”
“Will, all you’ve shown me for the past month is how much I can rely on you. And I want to. This doesn’t change that.”
At my words, a deep sigh of relief washes through him, and he sinks deeper against me, his body finally relaxed.
“Thank you for sharing this with me,” I say. “It means a lot.” He pulls away, cupping my cheek and giving me a loving look. He finally smiles, bringing the light back into the world. He needs to know how important he is to me. “It means so much that you’re here.” I snicker. “I know I’m a lot to deal with.”
"What do you mean?” Puzzled, he gently takes a loose strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear, his fingers brushing lightly against my skin.
“Are you kidding?” I gesture at myself. “I keep having to pinch myself to be sure I’m not dreaming. Because this all feels too good, too perfect, and …” My insecurities come flooding back in. But this time, I’m not scared.
I feel safe enough to share them with him.
“Being a mom was a choice for me. I don’t regret that choice for a second. But it’s a choice. And it gets hard over time, Will. It really does.” I take a breath to steady myself. “I can’t stop wondering, how long will you want this? How long will you want me?” I can do this. I can let him see my biggest fear. “How long until you get bored and move on to the next exciting thing? Until this domestic life I have with my kids is no longer fun for you?” I bite my bottom lip so hard I taste copper. “Maybe it’s okay for now. But what about a year from now? Two years from now? Five? What about when one of the kids decides they want to crawl into bed with me and you can’t have sex with me for weeks or even months on end? This is my life, Will. One hundred percent of the time. I can’t opt out when it gets hard, but you can, and one day, you will, and I’m terrified of that day. I never want it to come.” My eyes burn with tears that want to burst out. I let them.
My heart hammers against my chest so fast it’s almost painful. I’m raw, completely bare in front of him. Utterly exposed. I thought I was being vulnerable with him earlier. But that was nothing.
This is everything.
Will grabs me by the sides of my shoulders, his eyes wild. “What? Why would I do that?”
“You’ve never been in long-term relationships, not as long as I’ve known you. So what changed?” Why me? I want to ask him. “You said you loved me, and I believe you, but for how long will that be? Because I don’t know if I can …” I squeeze a hand to my chest and try to breathe.
It’s all flooding back. The sleepless nights. The red-hot anger, dissipating into deep anguish. Betrayal. Loneliness. A dark cloud choking out every bit of light. “I don’t think I can go through that again, Will …” I let out a choked sob. “I know you’re not Matt, God, I know that now … but how do I know you won’t get sick of this life? I’ll always be a mom first, and everything else comes second.”
“Sophie.” He softly clasps my chin and looks straight into me, his dark eyes a swirl of warmth and something else. I want this to be true. God, I want this to work. So, so much. But the terror of being abandoned again—of being thrown away for someone more exhilarating—is too much to bear.
But I owe it to him to listen.
“How can I make you understand this …” He takes a deep breath. “It’s not just that I don’t mind that you’re a mom, or that I don’t mind your kids … Fuck, Sophie, I love kids. I love your kids.” He looks down for a moment, and the hands gripping my shoulder and my chin start trembling. “And I’ll never have any of my own.”
The air escapes my lungs before I can speak. My fingertips go numb with shock. “What?” I can hardly manage more than a whisper.
“I’m sterile,” he explains, his hold on me softening. There’s a sadness in his eyes I wish I could kiss away. “I’ll never be a father. At least …” A soft smile appears on his lips. “Not to any biological children of my own. But I want to be, Sophie.” A shiver crawls up my spine. “I know your kids have a father, and I’m not trying to replace Matt … But I want you to understand this. I don’t just love you in spite of your kids. They’re a part of you. I love all of you.”
No, no, no.
This can’t be true.
Memories of the past month flash back across my brain in a fevered sequence. Will, holding Julian lovingly when he first came to my house. His nephews and my daughters playing at the park. Will taking care of us when we were sick.
Everything that brought us closer together … it was all them . Not me.
Moments earlier, I was wondering why me. What made me so special that I was worthy to be loved by William Béchard when so many others fell short?
Now I know why.
“You … want to be a father?” The words come out in a creak.
He grasps my hand in a desperate pull. “Are you kidding? Of course I do. If it’s not already obvious how much I love spending time with those angels, I absolutely want this.”
Nausea grips me like a vice. I scoot away, just an inch. I can’t bear to be too close, yet I can’t bear to pull away completely.
“So … you’re with me, partially, because you’ll never be a father otherwise.” The words burn like acid as they crawl out of my throat.
“Wait. That’s not what I said,” he stammers, and I see panic light up his eyes.
Of course he’s going to deny it. Maybe he doesn’t even realize it himself. Maybe he’s blinded himself into thinking he loves me when what he truly loves is my family.
But I’m worth more than that. Fuck, I deserve more than any of them ever gave me. I deserve to be loved for who I am. For me and me alone.
Why am I only realizing this now?
Suddenly, I’m so very exhausted. I need space. I need to let this all settle down. Because as much as I love this man … I respect myself more.
I press a finger to his lips before he can say any more. “Just … don’t. Okay?” I close my eyes. “I need to think.”
“Think about what?” His voice trembles.
“Us.” A tear rolls down my cheek. “I need to take a step back. Think things over.”
He tugs on my hands again. “Sophie. Please. It’s not like that. I love you. Just you. I?—”
“Please stop.” I pull my hands away. I’m not screaming, or angry, or bitter. Just tired. “No words will help. I just need space.” I look up at him through wet eyelashes. “Can you give that to me? Please?”
Pain flickers in his eyes, sending a jolt through my entire body. I don’t want to hurt him. Of course I don’t. I love him, damn it.
And I so desperately want him to love me back exactly in the same way I love him. But I’m not so sure he really does. Not anymore.
“Okay.” Resigned, he leaves my bed and, without giving me another look, gets dressed and slips out of the room.
When I hear the front door close, I finally allow myself to fall apart.