Chapter 35
CHAPTER 35
SOPHIE
“ M iss C?té, did you hear what I said?”
“Huh?” I shake my head, snapping back to attention. My eyes refocus on the glowing laptop screen in front of me. “I’m sorry, Brianna, I think the screen glitched.” That’s a bold-faced lie. “Could you repeat what you just said?”
“I said, the Horton Group wants to renew the contract for their next event.” She’s got a smile plastered on her face. “I’ve already gone ahead and prepared the proposal; all you need to do is look it over and give your approval, and I can send it over to their legal team for signing.”
I blink a few times, trying to process what she’s telling me. Horton Group is the first client for whom Brianna has handled event planning for me since I hired her with Will. Hearing such great feedback means things are going well.
I should be happy. Elated, in fact. Everything is running so smoothly for Party C?té. Trent is struggling a tad, but Brianna keeps him in check, and I’m there to give him pep talks and a bit of direction when he veers off in the wrong direction. And I’m even thinking of hiring a sales representative to handle all the incoming sales calls I’m getting from my latest marketing campaign.
But it all feels so … aimless. Sure, this will mean good money for my family. And the more comfortable Brianna and Trent feel to handle client projects, the more hands-off I can become, which means I get to spend more time with Julian.
But that’s just it. It all feels too easy. Unearned. The fulfillment that came from throwing together an absolutely groundbreaking event and seeing the satisfaction come alive on a client’s face …
That’s all gone.
Or is it simply because I don’t get to work side by side with Will anymore?
It’s been a whole week since that night. The night Will bared his heart to me. He shared so much of his pain, told me about his sister, trusted me with a deep, dark secret and the shame he held onto for so long, and what did I do?
I kicked him out.
But I couldn’t pretend I was okay with everything. I just don’t know what to think anymore. There’s too much stacking up against me. Every time I replay the memories in my head, I see how much he cares for the kids.
That should make me happy. It’s a single mother’s wet dream.
But that would mean I’d have to pretend I don’t have my doubts about the true nature of his love. I can’t do that. Those doubts will seed and sprout in my heart and grow into resentment. And I can’t have that. I can’t do that to Will. Worse, I’m not going to do that to my kids. I’m not going to give them someone to love, only for them to witness our decay.
My kids come first. Always.
The first thing I did that Monday was call Rob to let him know I wanted to pause the contract until further notice. He was confused, especially since I’ve only been giving positive feedback so far, but he accepted that we pause all billing for at least two weeks to give me a bit of breathing space. Of course, I didn’t catch him up on everything going on. I don’t want Will losing his job.
I just want some fucking clarity.
“Wonderful work, Brianna.” I phone in, trying to inject as much fake excitement into my voice as I can. “Amazing initiative. Honestly, I have no notes so far. You’ve knocked it out of the park.”
“Happy to hear, that, Miss C?té. So, on to the next item …”
I listen to Brianna as she outlines the rest of the week’s schedule, nodding along while my mind wanders. When we finally conclude the meeting, I close the laptop with a sigh of relief and turn my attention to Julian, who is beginning to fuss. Gently lifting him, I carry him to his room and settle into the nursing chair. As I cradle him, I tenderly stroke the soft, wispy hair on his tiny head.
“What should I do, Julian?” I whisper to him.
For this entire past week, I’ve been walking around with a gaping hole in my chest. Thankfully, Matt has custody of the girls. I didn’t have to force myself to be cheery around them. I get to mope around and fully wallow in this ache that’s got its claws in my heart. And they’re not around to ask why Will isn’t here this week.
A flash of pain rips through me at the thought of Will, and the back of my throat starts burning. My emotions are always at their peak when I’m breastfeeding, which definitely doesn’t help. “Thanks a lot,” I say to Julian as a joke for myself, but my voice cracks and I let out a sob.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I’ve had all week to think, and I’m no closer to figuring out what path to take.
On the one hand … if I allow myself to trust my intuition, and therefore trust that Will won’t get bored of me … how can I let him in if he doesn’t love me fully for me? Now that he’s told me about his inability to have kids despite his desire to be a father, it all seems so clear to me. It makes so much sense, how involved he wants to be with the girls and Julian.
And if that’s the case, how could I ever respect myself? I deserve to be with someone who wants me for me. Not because I’m the gateway to parenthood. My heart aches for Will, but damn it, he’s helped me realize that I deserve more.
On the other hand … what if I’m wrong?
If I’m wrong, I could be losing out on the best thing that has ever happened to me and to my kids. Who knows if I’ll ever be able to trust a man again the same way I’ve come to trust Will? And even if I do, who’s to say they’ll be as accepting of my lifestyle?
My body shakes nearly uncontrollably with the sobs, so much so that Julian unlatches from my breast. “I’m sorry, sweetie,” I whisper to him as I help him latch again. “God, your mother is a mess …”
It’s obvious I’m too close to everything. I need more than just time. I need to hash this out with someone.
Immediately, I think of Avery. How I wish she was closer. I could go for one of her hugs right about now. And even though I’m usually the one doling out the advice and the pep talks, my turn has come.
The phone will have to do.
I pull my cell phone from the pocket of my joggers and place it on the armrest of the nursing chair. Without even thinking about whether this is a good or bad time, I tap Avery’s name and put her on speakerphone.
The line is busy. Damn it.
I feel like I’m going stir-crazy on my own—well, without another trusted adult. I could wait until Avery calls me back, but I can’t. I’m about to break something if I don’t talk this through.
I open my messaging app and see Tania’s name. A pang of sadness hits my chest. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Every time one of us tries to start a conversation or plan an outing, it always falls through.
Back when Tania lost Miguel, I was there for her. Despite having Heather to care for, I did everything I could to lift her back up. I stayed by her side, bringing baby Heather with me while Matt watched Gwen, often staying with her through the night and letting her cry herself to sleep in my arms. I never made her feel like she owed me for it … but why can’t she be there for me now that I need her? I know accommodating for someone who has three kids isn’t always easy, but it wasn’t easy being there for her while caring for Heather, either.
If I can’t figure my shit out with Will, I need to fix something.
Sophie
I really need to talk
Sophie
I don’t know if it’s a good time for you or not, but I really need you right now
Sophie
Can we please meet?
I only have to wait a minute or two before her reply appears.
Tania
Omw, you’re at your house?
Relief floods through me. She’s coming. I won’t be alone. And maybe I can at least fix this one thing in the hot mess that is my life.