Chapter 38
CHAPTER 38
WILL
A ir leaves my lungs when Sophie steps out of her car, and I turn to her. Even though I’m not blind to the shadows under her eyes, the sight of her is a soothing balm to my aching heart.
She’s already looking straight at me, matching my gaze. And I’ve never been this terrified.
I wait as she takes Julian’s carrier out of the car, resisting the urge to run to her aid. Then she’s headed towards me, her gaze still fixated on mine. I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out at first.
Shit. I rehearsed this. Why won’t the words come out?
“I thought I said I needed some space.” Sophie’s tone is steady but gentle as she walks up the steps to plant herself firmly in front of me. Electricity fizzles in the short space between us.
“I know.” My hand starts to lift, ready to sweep the loose strand of golden hair from her forehead, but I stop myself. “But you deserve to hear what I have to say. I can say my piece and then back away if you still need space, but please, Sophie, hear me out.”
I can almost see the cogs turning in her head, but I can’t tell what thoughts they’re creating. Please. Let her give me this one chance. This one chance is all I need.
She swallows, then takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. For a moment, I fear the worst and brace myself for her rejection.
But when she opens her eyes again, they’re soft and yielding. “Okay. But first … I want to say something.”
Elation flows through my veins, lighting me on fire. “Of course.”
“Ever since Matt did what he did,” she begins, “I haven’t felt safe. Not entirely. I’m always on my own, and I’m pretty good at making it all work. But …” She looks up at me through her long lashes. “Nothing feels steady anymore. And my kids need that steady ground. So you can say what you want, but I don’t know how I’ll ever feel safe … how I’ll ever really be sure that I’ll always be enough for you. Because I really don’t know anymore.”
A laugh escapes my mouth without me meaning to. Sophie begins to scowl, but I cut my laughter short before she has a chance to kick me to the curb. “If you think that’s funny, you’re going to need to leave, right n?—”
“Sophie, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Her frown deepens, but I can feel a shift in the air, a new openness from her.
So I decide to test my luck. I cradle her cheek with a hand, almost sighing involuntarily when our skin meets. To my relief, she doesn’t recoil from my touch. “Sophie, you have to know by now … It’s just always been you. You’re so much more than enough for me, this whole time we’ve known each other. The only thing that changed is that now I get to have you, and I couldn’t before.”
Her eyes go wide. “What?”
I brace myself; it’s time for her to know everything. “I know what you think of my dating habits. You’ve made no secret of your opinion on that. And I’ll admit that, yes, I’m kind of an asshole for it, but to be fair, I gave it an honest shot with every one of them. I wanted it to work. Every time.” That’s the truth. “But I could never develop true feelings for anyone else.”
“Why?”
I swallow. “Because, Sophie, how could I ever be truly interested in anyone else when you were right there?”
She stares at me, her mouth agape. I continue, my heart slamming against my ribcage like we’re at a heavy metal concert. “I stayed out of Matt’s way because he was my friend. The bro code and everything. But that moment I saw you at that bar the night we met, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. If I’d known, at that moment, that I would slowly fall head over heels for you, I’d have acted differently back then, but, fuck … If I hadn’t been so stunned, so frozen in place, maybe I could have called dibs before he did.”
“What?” The shock registers on Sophie’s face, and her voice is hardly more than a whisper. “What do you mean dibs?”
“Matt called dibs. Incredibly immature, I know.” If looks could kill, I’d be dead. “This was ten years ago, Sophie. We both had eyes on you that night. Incidentally, it’s why I ditched Avery … because I couldn’t stand being close to you and Matt and watching him pull his moves on you. And I felt it was disrespectful to pretend to be interested in your friend when that wasn’t the case at all.”
“So you had to rub it in her face by grinding up against some other girl?” She’s nearly seething. I thought she’d moved past that incident, but I guess I was wrong.
And I don’t fault her for it.
“I know. I was an ass, and I’m not trying to pretend I wasn’t. I thought I could distract myself with a stranger I’d hopefully never see again. Avery wasn’t that stranger. If things between you and Matt worked out—which they did—I’d have to see her over and over again.” I cock my head sideways and pinch my lips. Even this angry, she’s just so beautiful. I wish I could kiss the anger away. “Every woman that came after was only that. A distraction. You’re it for me, Sophie.” I let my hand slip from her face and kneel in front of her. “And I want to prove it to you, right here and now.”
Sophie’s eyes go wide. “What the fuck, are you proposing?”
“No!” I look down at my knees and realize why she could have gotten that impression. “No, that’s not it. I just want you to have all the power here. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have complete control, because you do. All I can say is this.”
I inhale deeply, then close my eyes for a brief moment before I grab at her thighs to hold on for dear life. And I take the leap. “I don’t want you to have to doubt, for a single second, that I love you for you—and only you. But I know that it’s unfair to ask you to put so much trust in me … especially with my track record, and with what Matt has done to you.” Her breath hitches, and I continue, “Sophie, you are enough. So much more than enough. I don’t need anything or anyone else. So if you want proof, I’m willing to be with you, and only you. Not the kids.” The words sting as they come out of my mouth, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I can earn my way back into their lives if I have to.
Or maybe I never will. And no matter how much it hurts, Sophie is worth it.
“I fucking love your kids, Sophie. I really do. But I loved you first.” I squeeze at the soft skin of her legs, gripping tightly. I never want to let go. “And if it makes you feel safe, if it makes you feel loved, that I only see you when you don’t have the girls, or only when your mom can take Julian, then so be it. Because I want this relationship to be on your terms.” I could die happy today if she chooses me. “Being a father figure comes second. My first priority is to be the partner you need me to be. I’m even going to therapy now.” A look of surprise lights up her face.
I’m in the home stretch. My heart is beating so fast I can feel it reverberate in my fingertips. The very same fingertips enveloped in the warmth of Sophie’s skin. “And if I have to spend the rest of my life only seeing you every other week and not ever seeing your kids, I will take that, Sophie.” I swallow and grip her closer. “I will take it, and run with it, and never let go.”