Chapter 14
Connor
I. Am. Fuming.
There is no doubt in my mind that Vox knows exactly what he’s doing right now.
It was one thing to find out he’s into guys, and another thing to feel him come undone on top of me—which has been hard enough to manage.
But it’s an entirely different beast having to watch him make out with someone else… and FUCK, I do not like it.
My veins are buzzing with my two very strong drinks, but I’m far from drunk. It’s just enough to soften the knife’s edge I’ve been riding since Vox decided to get bolder during his interactions with me.
The way he keeps looking over here, making sure I’m watching him, tells me I need to get my fuckin’ ass out of this bar. But if I go back to my cabin now, I’m just going to keep drinking…and probably jerk off to those pictures I took of him on the simulator, which will only make me feel worse.
Then a thought occurs to me.
Get back on a board.
Tonight.
Right now.
Maybe the small amount of alcohol in my system is enough to keep the demons at bay and will give me a fighting chance to see it through this time.
Fuller left half an hour ago, and even some of the team have gone. Things are winding down enough that I can make my exit.
Sliding off my stool, I stop by Renner’s table and tell him and Angel that I’m headed home.
I purposefully avoid Vox, not to be a dick, but because if I get near him, I’m not sure if I’d punch him, kiss him, or scream at him, and none of those are acceptable options.
I fist bump Trent on my way toward the door and hastily exit Meltdown.
The cold air smacks me in the face, but invigorates me as well.
I’m confident that I’ll be able to do it this time.
There’s a small bunny slope behind one of the condo buildings that’ll be perfect for the attempt.
It’s late enough that the families staying there will be getting little ones ready for bed, and it’s early enough that the younger crowd will most likely still be having drinks down in base village.
After swinging by my cabin to grab the Patterson board Grey gifted me upon arrival, and the necessary layers, I find myself on the deserted bunny slope.
But instead of riding it, I’m staring at it from the bench behind the condo building, the board heavy across my lap. The cold night air presses in on me from all sides, stealing my breath before I can fully inhale.
“All right, Lang,” I quietly say to myself. “It’s time to face your demons. There’s no one out here except you. No one you can hurt. No one to watch out for. Just you and the board.”
Fuck, my ass is going to freeze to this bench if I don’t move soon.
Slowly, I lean forward and set the board in the snow.
I get my first boot on, but my movements slow to a snail’s pace once it’s time to slip into the second boot. Because as soon as this boot goes on, it’ll be time to strap into the board.
I push past the mental block and use my anger and frustration over watching Vox kiss that guy to fuel my actions.
I need to show him who the best is now more than ever. Fuck finding his control, I need to regain my own.
And I can’t do that if I can’t get on a goddamn board.
I slide my first boot into the binding, and I choke on air. Immediately, I have to remove my foot. My chest is tight, and it feels like my lungs are going to explode.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I put my head between my knees and pathetically will the ringing in my ears to stop as my insecurities come out to play.
Even if I could take things further with him, why the hell would Vox Montgomery want a loser like me?
I’m stuck in the past, rooted in my trauma, and my memories from that night are the only company I keep.
He rides a snowboard like he invented it, and I can barely look at the damn thing anymore.
I’m a fraud. How could I possibly think I belong here or that I have anything to offer him?
I’m on my hands and knees in the snow by the time I snap out of it, and I’m acutely aware that anyone looking out the window of their condo probably thinks I’m having a heart attack.
That’s what it feels like.
Pulling myself together, I climb back onto the bench and try again.
Strapping into a snowboard is something I’ve done a million times, but between the adrenaline spike, my numb fingers, and my erratic heartbeat, I’m having a little trouble getting my fingers to work the clips.
I ride ‘goofy style,’ meaning my right foot is my front foot, and I have to strap it in first. Sliding my heel all the way back against the heelcup, I then place the front of my boot into my toe strap.
Progress.
But as soon as I begin tightening the toe buckle and the ratcheting sound reaches my ears, my system shuts down. Suddenly, I can’t get my foot out of the toe strap fast enough. An overwhelming sense of claustrophobia strikes, leaving me scrambling away from the board.
I fight a wave of frustrated tears that only makes me feel worse.
Before making this attempt, I was able to convince myself that when the time came, I’d be able to handle this. Surely enough time has passed, and it would be like riding a bike. But failing at this small task has shed light on a harsh reality.
I’ll never board again.
While I’m lying in the snow, trying to get my breathing under control, and waiting for the other side of my brain to kick in—the one that says, ‘You can do this, and you will. Now get your fucking ass up and strap into the goddamn board,’ lights begin popping on in the building behind me.
Having enough awareness of my surroundings, and not wanting to add insult to injury by having someone call resort security, I pick my ass up and commit to strapping in.
Right foot toe strap. Check.
Right side ankle strap…
Breathe. Just fucking breathe.
It takes about four minutes, but the panic eventually subsides, allowing me to tighten the ankle strap. It feels like a monumental occasion, and I’m exhausted from it, but it’s also a win.
Unlike with skis, since your feet are attached to a singular device while snowboarding, you only clip in one side until you’re ready to ride down the mountain.
I thought starting at the top of the bunny hill might be a bit much—and I was right—so I’m at the bottom, hoping to just move back and forth on the flat surface.
But as soon as I take that first step with my free foot and have to slide the board along to keep up, the world closes in on me, and I’m on my knees again. Harsh, wheezing breaths vibrate my chest as my face hits the ground and my tears melt the snow beneath me.