Chapter 3
The Listing
Single-bedroom guest home available in the Colorado Rockies. Ten miles north of downtown Cozy Creek, Colorado. (My replies below in bold—C.W.)
Serious inquiries only. (I’m very serious.)
This is my land. If you can’t follow these rules, don’t bother applying. (I cannot tell you how much I love lists and rules. Look at that! We already have something in common.)
- This guesthouse is on my property, but it is completely private and separate from my home. There should be no need to interact. (Fantastic. Perfect. I’m very much in a place of not talking.)
- One tenant only. This home has one full-size bed. One kitchen area. One bathroom. (Lucky for us, I’m a single occupant all the time. As of yesterday.)
- The water heater is old and takes several minutes to warm. We share the well. No flushing of anything but toilet paper. (I hear ice baths are trending because of supposed health benefits. Also, I grew up on a well. I know the drill.)
- No heat or AC. That will not change. If you are cold, you can build a fire in the wood-burning stove. (Pretty sure I can start a fire. We will find out! Just kidding. Mostly.)
- No guests at any time, unless I have given explicit permission. (Definitely will NOT be an issue. No people in my foreseeable future if I can help it.)
- No internet in the guesthouse. No plans to add any. (This is rough - does the nearby town, Cozy Creek, have Wi-Fi? I imagine so since it’s not the 1600s.)
- Amenities include stove, refrigerator, coffee maker, microwave, washer/dryer. Must provide your own food and drinks. A general store in Cozy Creek has everything you could need. I recommend stopping before making the trip up the mountain. (What else could a person need!? I’ll hit Ye Olde General Store on the way up. This town is so cute. I love it! Is it true there are several fall-themed events?)
- Has not been occupied in a while. Sheets will be changed, but I will not clean up after you. This is not a hotel. (I would prefer if you didn’t go through my stuff. And as long as there aren’t other animals/insects in the house, that shouldn’t be an issue. It’s not disgusting, though, right? The pictures made it seem tidy. I don’t know that you can legally rent a home that’s infested with little critters. I’m sure it’s fine.)
- No loud music. No loud sounds. No warnings given. (Like I mentioned above, I will always be working. Chances are you won’t even notice me.)
- If a door is locked, that means it’s not for you. (I’m a journalist, naturally nosy and contrary by nature. You should know that telling me not to do something only makes me want to do it even more. Probably shouldn’t have even mentioned it. But now that’s all I’ll be thinking about. Is it bodies? Is it a secret laboratory? Is it a collection of 1990s Beanie Babies that was supposed to make you wildly rich one day?)
- This is high altitude. You will get sick if you aren’t used to it. That’s on you. (I’m from The Springs. I’ll be fine.)
- This is wild land. There are wild animals and unpredictable weather. Don’t be stupid. (I know how to hike smart. I’m basically a local.)
- It will get cold. That’s also on you. (To avoid being sued for copyright infringement, picture a beloved Disney princess with white hair. I’m not bothered by the cold, anywho.)
- It will snow, and the plow doesn’t come up this far. I will maintain the driveway, but you must have a 4WD vehicle. (You know what I’m gonna say at this point, right? Not my first rodeo. My compact SUV handles the snow like a pro. )
- There is no cell phone service of any kind. I have a phone for emergencies only. (Okey dokey!)
- I have a dog who wanders my property unleashed. She is allowed to go to the guesthouse as she pleases. (This is the only exception to my no critters rule. I love dogs. I’ve never had one before! Can’t wait to meet her.)
- I can evict you at any moment for any reason. (I don’t think so. Not if I sign a contract, but I’m not really worried. You won’t even notice me.)
- Must be at least 25 years of age. (The legal age to rent a car, I presume? Or because that’s when the frontal cortex is fully developed? Either way, I respect the decision. I am creeping ever closer toward thirty. I shake my fists at the young’uns of today.)
- I own the house, but do not expect me to talk to you unless there is an emergency with the house. For all other emergencies, call 911. The Cozy Creek Fire Brigade is sufficient. (Is that really the name of the local firefighters? My dad is a retired firefighter, and I CANNOT wait to tell him this! But don’t worry about a conversation with me. I am not a small-talk person, despite the verbosity of this response. I’m a big-talk person. I would rather walk on nails. No offense, but something tells me that you aren’t going to be offended.)
- Must book for at least two months. No shorter stays. No negotiation. (This literally could not be more perfect. I have an extremely important deadline, and lack of home, as of yesterday - mentioned above. I am fine.)
- Must pay the first month in advance. (I’ll pay everything up front in cash, to guarantee I have a place for at least the next two months.)
I assume since I’m cool with all these rules and regulations, I can have it? Please let me know ASAP. I’m in a bit of a bind.
Thanks,
C.L. Wells