Chapter 17
Claire
Levi cleared his throat and brought me closer as the music shifted. My right hand slid into his left as his other hand moved to my waist. It was perfectly innocent, but for the way every nerve of my body lit up. I held his shoulder and wished I could close the last bit of distance between us.
Levi smelled incredible. A masculine woody scent with soap and the hints of apple cider still in the air. How many times could I take deep inhales of his chest and neck area before I weirded him out?
Chances were, I’d passed that line the moment I met him.
The soft music playing was an acoustic guitar and a man and woman gently harmonizing a love song about traveling the world. Their voices were lovely and fit the mood as the exciting events of the day melted into the luxurious softness of the fall evening. All around the town square, portable metal firepits were jumped to life, surrounded by little groups of people wrapped in blankets.
I held on to Levi, not ready to let go of him or end this perfect day. He had done well, too, though the strain around his eyes spoke of how taxing this day had been. I would let him get back to the safety of the cabin.
Just one more song.
It was so nice to be held. I couldn’t remember the last time I enjoyed it without counting the appropriate number of seconds until it would be over, or worse, feeling like it led to an obligation. So much of what I thought was normal with Kevin, I was starting to understand that maybe it wasn’t healthy. Something was wrong with me and the way I behaved in our relationship, so I made up for it by being obliging in other areas even when I didn’t necessarily desire to. I never actively wanted a physical connection. I didn’t hate it. I just wouldn’t have chosen it.
I’d been delusional in thinking he left me because of the story. This breakup was coming long before that.
I dropped my head to Levi’s chest, letting the steady thump of his heart smooth my jumbled thoughts.
Bump-bump. Bump-bump.
“You’ve gone quiet.” His voice rumbled through my ear and down my spine.
I lifted my head to meet his gaze. “Have I? It’s loud as ever up here. ”
His focus flicked over my features. His thumb lifted to smooth the tension between my brows that I hadn’t even known was there. My breath caught at the action, but he dropped his hand again to wrap it around me.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
Boldness had me releasing his hand to swing my arms over his shoulders under the guise of better speaking in hushed voices. After a beat of hesitation, his hands came to rest just over my hips.
“I don’t think I was a very good girlfriend. Or at least, not very good for my ex.”
He frowned, and his body tensed as he missed a step. “Why do you say that?”
“Just thinking about things toward the end.” When I felt him tense, I decided this wasn’t the direction I wanted this night to go. I wouldn’t let Kevin ruin this moment. “Anyway. I don’t want to think about that right now.”
“Tell me what else is on your mind,” he said.
“I forget it’s like this sometimes,” I said, eventually focusing on the more positive direction of my tailspin.
He hummed a questioning sound.
“The simple sweet humanity of it all.” I looked around at the easy joy that surrounded us, and he followed my gaze. The friendly smiles between neighbors. The glow of children loaded up on sugar in the brisk air. The tired but happy eyes of their doleful parents smiling on.
“I’m so in my head all the time. I’m deep-diving into some new topic, usually something awful, the underbelly of the worst of humanity. I get so set in the truth that people are inherently greedy and awful, but then, and maybe this is silly—I come out, and I see these little pockets of love and think, aw, maybe we aren’t so bad. Maybe most of us are just doing our best. We’re just a messy little collection of cells and matter given a conscience, and perhaps we’re doing okay with the chaos of the fact. Considering how hard it all can be. You know? Humans are cute.”
His jaw clenched, and his eyes went all hazy in the way they did when I spoke a lot at once. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s … nice. I should probably get out more.”
I wanted to pry into why his hometown seemed to be just as strange and new to him as it was to me, a visitor just passing through.
“Me too.” I sighed.
“But not too much. We’ve seen what happened when I try small talk.” I squeezed him into an unexpected hug, and he stopped our movement to hug me back. Here we were in the center of town, hugging like it was nothing. I wondered if it bothered him to have the rumor mill seeing this. “This is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Thank you,” I said.
He stiffened in my arms and made a soft sound of understanding. He didn’t need to speak, he just needed to know that I was thankful for his kindness.
“Are you doing okay?” I asked, looking closer at him.
“I’m okay.” I waited for him to expand. He looked around the town and collected his thoughts. “It’s been a while since I came down here to hang out. Nothing more than a quick job to help someone or get groceries.”
“A lot of people seem happy to see you,” I said. It was true. He’d been treated like the prodigal son.
“This town cared about my mom,” he said.
“What was her name?” I asked, hoping this question was okay. He was so reluctant to talk about her. He pulled me a little closer with no excuse given, just mutual comfort.
“Lily. She was one of those rare people who was genuinely kind. Genuinely unbothered by the trivialities of life.” He started rocking me to the slow tempo again. “Not like me.” He added the last sentence like a confession.
“Not like me either,” I admitted. “My whole life, I feel like I’ve shown up for a class halfway through the semester. I’m so envious of people like your mother. It’s like they understand some big secret and are waiting for the rest of us to work it out.” I smiled.
He nodded, his throat bobbing as he looked over my shoulder. “Yeah. Exactly.” He cleared the tightness from his throat before asking, “What are you working on now? You said you finished your story?” His voice stilted with repressed emotion.
I studied him for a moment but decided to allow the subject to change. “I don’t know actually. I’ll probably get some edits back here soon, but that won’t take too long. I need to find my next project. Usually, I don’t know I’m into my next story until it’s too late.”
“Too late?” he asked .
“Sleepless nights. Obsessive research.” My fingers tapped a wave pattern on his strong shoulder. “You’ve not seen me at my worst. Don’t make that face,” I said when his eyebrows shot up skeptically. “You’re catching me at a pretty even keel time. This is ‘normal’ Claire.”
“You’re far from normal,” he said. I must have frowned because he added, “Thankfully. Anything inspiring you here?”
“Not unless Farmer Nelson has a secret racket of cheating for the biggest pumpkin prize,” I teased.
He tensed and forced out a laugh.
“Oh my God, does he?” I lowered my voice and got close enough that his exhales brushed my cheek. “Because if there is some secret injustice, I will sniff it out and bring it to light,” I added faux menace to my voice.
“I don’t doubt that.” His forehead wrinkled when I leaned back to study him. “How about we just dance?”
I lowered my head to the planes of his hard chest with a dramatic sigh. “If I must.”
His chuckle rumbled through me. He pulled me closer yet. The front of him was pressed warmly against me. A heady heat spread through me, making my breasts feel heavy and making me want to press even harder against him. He smelled so good. Being held by him was so good. I was all melty inside and wanted to just spread my body all over his. I wanted to taste him and be tasted by him. I wanted to hear what sort of noises I could get him to make and find out the secrets of his desire.
God, I was really, really bored .
When the next song ended, we broke apart, and after collecting my souvenirs, he led me to a firepit on the outskirts of the town square instead of toward the truck. A small family, with sleeping kids in their arms, spoke quietly that they were leaving.
I settled next to the fire as he stoked it back to life. To my surprise, yet again, instead of seating himself on the opposite side of the fire, he took the spot right next to me and covered us both in a blanket that had been left on the chair. We were close enough that our elbows touched. Maybe because of the hushed environment, or perhaps because he was enjoying our closeness as well, but Levi hadn’t seemed in any hurry to leave.
My heart raced like we were teenagers about to share a first kiss. This attraction to Levi was intriguing and refreshing. Maybe he was just as “bored” as I was.
It was Levi who broke the silence first. He mumbled something that sounded like “at your worst.”
“What?” I leaned my shoulder into him and looked up with wide eyes until he was forced to turn his head to me. Our faces were so close. “Ex-squeeze me, baking powder?”
“Claire.” He shook his head. The smile melted off his face as his gaze moved over my features. He glared back at the fire with a swallow. “You said that you’re at your worst when you’re into your work. I was just curious who told you that?”
“Oh.” My silly mood abated. I watched how the light of the fire sharpened the line of his jaw and strong nose. He was very lovely to look at. “Nobody, I guess. I just get so focused that the rest of the world fades away. I’m not a very good partner. ”
“Do you stay like that forever?”
“Eventually, I crawl out of my cave,” I joked. “Unshaven, blinking back at the bright light, grunting for food.”
He smiled, and it was so full and genuine that my heart flipped in my chest.
“I was just thinking about my art,” he said slowly. “When I lose myself to my work, nobody tells me that that’s when I’m at my worst. In fact, people usually get excited and support me.”
It was my turn to frown at the dancing flames. “Yeah, but you create beauty,” I pointed out. “I just uncover the ugly.”
He made that soft sound of processing information. “You find the truth, right? Share it with the world?”
“I try,” I said.
“I’ve read your work. That’s what you do. You shine a light on the truths of the world, no matter how they look.”
I smiled into my clasped fingers. To know that he had read my work filled me with pride.
“I want to make a difference,” I admitted, but I didn’t add that I felt like I was failing.
“When I make art, all I’m trying to do is unearth some version of truth. What’s more beautiful than truth, no matter in what form? It’s that human connection.”
Inexplicably, my chest and throat tightened with undefined emotion. I felt seen and understood. That was what I wanted to believe about myself, but lately, I wasn’t so sure. I leaned more of my body into him, still unable to voice my appreciation for his words .
My gaze moved around the square at all the pockets of people. Eventually, I organized my thoughts. “Kevin. My ex. He said that I’m ruthless,” I whispered. “That all I care about are other people because I don’t want to deal with my issues.”
Muscles flexed in his clenching jaw.
“He wasn’t wrong,” I added. “I have this drive for information. I don’t stop. Even when I know I’m going too far. Even when it’s destroying my relationships.” I wrapped my arms tight around my middle. “He made me feel like helping people was greedy.” I narrowed my eyes and spoke softly in the quiet night. “My whole life, I grew up thinking I was meant to change the world and help people. I read stories where heroes sacrificed everything for the moral good to make the world better. But I don’t think he really wanted that. Maybe he did at first, but not recently. Recently, he wanted the security of money. I get that. But it wasn’t the most important thing. As much as he said he supported me, I think he just wanted me to fit into the role in his story. Kevin wanted to be the main character, and I messed with that.”
I thought about Kevin’s incessant desire for money. His desperate need to ensure he would never have the poverty he perceived as a child.
Levi remained thoughtful at my side. He picked up a poker to fuss with a piece of burning wood. I sighed and slumped back. I was too much. I opened up too soon and too wide. I was a gaping wound oozing all over the place, ruining the moment.
“I’m sorry. I don’t even know how we got here.” It was the car ride into town all over again. I talked and talked and took his lack of speaking for listening. But all I did was lasso him into the thoughts that tied me up.
Levi slowly leaned the poker to the side of the pit and grabbed my hand. He watched with a frown as he intertwined our fingers. My heart raced, the sting of those unshed tears replaced by an overwhelming awareness of where our bodies connected.
Warmth. Sturdiness. Comfort. Longing.
“Kevin sounds like a tool bag,” Levi said.
I coughed a surprised laugh. I clasped his hand to my chest as I bent forward, half with humor, half with relief I hadn’t freaked him out.
Should I argue? Defend the man I gave years of my life to because didn’t it make me less somehow for staying with him? Wouldn’t I bear the weight of that bad relationship by staying in it for so long? But I found I couldn’t argue with Levi’s assessment.
“You aren’t lacking, Claire. Not even a little.” Levi tugged his hand free from where his knuckles brushed against the tops of my breast. He turned so our knees bumped on the low log. “You carry an entire universe in you. Every time you speak, I’m excited to hear what you’ll say. You make me feel things in a way that I haven’t felt in years. You make me see the world in a different and exciting way.”
My dry mouth closed slowly. “Oh.” What did you say to the ultimate compliment? How could I even be expected to function again? All I wanted to do was prick his words over and over my body until they were tattooed on me forever.
“If somebody told you at any point that something was wrong with the way your mind worked, they were simply incorrect. Or jealous. Or motivated by their own wants. I’ve seen the beauty of that machine”—he brushed his thumb along my temple—“and there isn’t anything wrong there. It’s all magnificent.”
I closed my eyes and turned into his palm before he could take it away. We were here in this private moment in a public place. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to go back to our little spot in the woods, where we both felt free to be exactly who we were.
In all our naked glory.
“I’m getting a massive ego,” I said, trying to joke. But really, my heart was jackhammering against my chest. I’d opened up fully and truly to this man, not quite a stranger, but not what I ever thought he would be. Could it be this easy to talk to a person? To let yourself open to them? To want them? If it felt like this for normal people, then I understood. I understood it all.
“Good. You deserve a massive ego. Anybody who made you feel lacking is an absolute idiot.”
He lowered his head to mine. I think he was aiming for my cheek or my temple, but at the last moment, he lifted my chin to press the gentlest of kisses against my mouth. It didn’t linger, and it didn’t demand. It was a small gift of comfort.
It wasn’t enough. I wanted and needed more but would accept that for now.
“Wait,” I whispered, and he stilled in his retreat. “Wait,” I repeated before I straightened my back and pressed my lips back up and into his .
He exhaled in a sigh of relief and cupped the back of my head. We held there, rubbing softness against softness. Breaths hovering. I memorized the shape of his soft lips, the way his exhale brushed against my skin. I tilted my head, opening my mouth?—
He pulled away abruptly.
“Claire, I—” He grabbed my shoulders and held me in place. Mortification slithered down my neck as determination narrowed his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I got carried away.” As always.
I was embarrassed. I thought the heat between us was tangible, but this was a hard stop.
“It’s not that. Trust me, this is—” He looked around. “I just—not here.” He groaned in frustration.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have assumed.” I shook my head, then bent down to collect our stuff.
He lifted my chin to get my focus back. “Please don’t apologize. It makes me feel like shit.”
I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the sympathy in his face. “You just said all those sweet things, and I?—”
“You don’t owe me anything because I was kind to you.” His words came out frustrated—a grumpy and familiar Levi.
I winced and felt even more humiliated. Was that what he thought? That I kissed anybody who wasn’t confused by my verbal onslaught? That wasn’t what this was. This was the purest form of want I’d ever experienced.
“It’s fine. We can just pretend it didn’t happen,” I said, getting back to collect our stuff. I stood, and the cold air seeped in, causing a shiver.
“Really. It’s not that I didn’t want that.” He took a breath and held up a finger in the air, so I sucked in my lips to keep from speaking anymore. I could still taste him there. I still wanted him. He sounded as frustrated as I felt embarrassed.
Well, this would be a fun and not-at-all-awkward ride back to the cabin.
“I wanted it. Trust me.” He stood, and the evidence of that was clear as day, based on that bulge currently trying to distract me. Speaking of aubergines, I’m pretty sure he had one stuffed down his pants. I blinked up at him, my lips still clamped tight.
Absolutely nothing needed to come out of my mouth right now.
He took a breath as he lifted and dropped his shoulders. His fingers splayed as he collected himself. “Can I show you something?” he asked.
It took all of my force of will to keep my eyes locked on his when he said that. “I, uh?—”
“Not here. Back at the house.”
Back at the house? Was he going to continue this kiss? Was he trying to end this next level of physicality? Was he going to take me to his shed and show me his wood? I would not make a wood joke. I would not make a wood joke.
I bit my bottom lip harder and nodded.
“Oh, man.” He chuckled. “You are trying so hard not to say something inappropriate right now, and I’m not sure I want to know what it is.”